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I'm so sorry, I can totally see that. Most people at my college know nothing about what goes on in the real world, heh, since they're all living in a little liberal arts college-bubble for four years. Fortunately my MOH has been MOH for two others (best friend and cousin) and was herself engaged previously (though they broke it off). So she's been really supportive and knowledgeable. But I can totally understand your frustration! If I picked any other person at my school, I'd be in the same boat. I guess you just have to plunge right into the planning, gather all the details yourself, and maybe send them helpful articles about best man/bridesmaid duties, etc., as "hints"?
In any event, congratulations on finding the love of your life so early in the game! :) If your friends really care about your wedding, they'll be sure to learn what they need to, with your help maybe. Everything will turn out just fine, after you sort out all the messiness.
Mines are the same way. If I wasn't so creative, I'd be in trouble.
i think people don't get it until they've been through it. i have a good friend that's been out of the country for a few years and my friends and i were talking about what's changed since she's been gone. one of my friends said nothing really changed. ummm.... i'll have a husband that she's never met! i think that's pretty huge! apparently it's not so big to them... but like i said, wait until they go through it.
I'm the first grandchild on my dad's side to get married, and the first out of my group of friends, and we're both firstborns. So NOBODY knows how to do this!!...much less me. :P
This might turn out to be a hot mess of a wedding, but oh well. At least we'll be married!
Not my friends really, but my FI is definitely wedding illiterate. *sigh*
Just invite all your hive friends instead, they'll know exactly how to do everything right! Ha ha!
Yes! even one of my best friends who has been to a slew of her friends' weddings just keeps saying, "oh, do this, do that!" with no idea how much the wedding industry charges for things. Like, "I don't get why you don't pay for valet parking for everyone" and my other friends don't seem to get that family tends to want a say in things and doesn't easily take no for an answer - I guess because they haven't been there yet!
My sister is running into this. Her MOH is somewhat clueless when it comes to wedding stuff. She's been a PITA with BM dresses, showers etc. I feel badly for my sister, but my other sister and I spoke and we won't let her MOH ruin her day.
To be honest, I think it is because a lot of what passes for "wedding customs" are completely out of touch with modern life, and aren't really well-routed in traditional etiquette, either. Brides feel clued-in because, quite naturally, they are all excited and hyper-focussed, haunting wedding websites and bridal magazines. But, a lot of what they're getting is pretty partial information, and a lot of it is skewed by "wedding industry" professionals who are trying to get them to spend-spend-spend.
Take the who-pays-for-accomodation issue. It's not that long ago that every etiquette expert DID say that out-of-town guests should be put up by the bride's and groom's families. That was back in the day of large rambling farm-houses and young people marrying from home without having travelled: there were relatively few out-of-twon guests and relatively many available spare bedrooms. I never stayed in a hotel room for my neice's weddings; I routinely do now that my grand-neices are marrying. Times change, but it's also partly modern choices like "destination weddings" that are creating the need for changes. When a bride makes an untraditional choice, it makes sense to me that she might be asked to explain things.
Showers are similar. Time was that girlfriends didn't have sophisticated social and professional lives, and that young brides really needed a bunch of small house-keeping items like cake-tins and tea-towels. Throwing a shower came naturally, and they were small, friendly, informal events. Now that they've become huge parties held in restaurants with hundred-dollar gifts, with brides already having established households and friends scattered across the globe by their various responsibilities, they just don't come naturally anymore.
Weddingbee brides feel perfectly comfortable flouting the "etiquette police" and being unconventional when they choose. The fact that friends are also unconventional and untraditional comes with the territory. But you can enjoy lots of new modern ways of celebrating, if you're open to them.
Out of my 4 BM only 1 really knows what's what with weddings. My MOH is the same age as me and I'm really the first person she's known to get married, my sisters are both younger than me so they don't really know much. My soon to be SIL is the only one who really knows what's up and I'm so thankful for her because without her I probably would have gone crazy. My MOH has gotten into things more, like doing research and what not so she knows a bit more than when the ball first started rolling. I actually am a pretty organized person and like to be in control of everything so it doesn't bother me too much. It was super annoying that no one really was into throwing me a shower or bachelorette but eventually I talked to my soon to be SIL and we are working on that together, FI's mom and aunts are working on a shower for their side of the family and my mom is helping my sisters throw me a shower.
I had the same problem. I was one of the first friends to get married so none of my friends really got it.
I have the same 'probem' here too... I'm the first of my friends to get married and only one of my girls has been in a wedding recently. It kind of works well for FI and I though since we're not really traditional wedding type people! Now when we do non-traditional things we don't really have to argue for it, since its only our families that know better. Granted, my MOH will be throwing me a Bachelorette party (er, well, I think she's thinking spa day? Which I'd prefer honestly) and my aunts are probably throwing me a shower (even though I'd be fine without one too.)
Same problem. I';m the youngest of my friends to get married and I feel like it would be chaos if I wasn't a total A-type. :P My parents eloped too, and I'm the first grandchild getting married, so there basically isn't a single person in my life who has done this first and can help me.
Thankfully (and this may be the only time I'll say this) my sister's SO proposed to her about a week after FI proposed to me, so she's doing her reading and can help out.
Hah, YES. It doesn't necessarily get better as you get older, either - I'll be 27 at my wedding. My bridesmaids are pretty wedding illiterate. Fortunately I don't mind being a little proactively pushy. Early on, facing the prospect of having no engagement party, no bridal shower, and no bachelorette party, I did a little matchmaking and put my bridesmaids in touch with some of my friends who do know about weddings and/or enjoy planning social activities. With a little nudging toward that end, one bridesmaid ended up purchasing a book on "How to Be A Bridesmaid," and now I have a lot greater trust in how things are progressing. It helps to show wedding blogs and wedding magazines to her too, so if y'all have friends who might at least have the potential to become interested in weddings, that sometime works.
(FI and I are also the first to get married in each of our families, but our parents are blessedly as clued-in to the wedding world as one would hope.)
@girlwitharing I totally totally get you!
I just graduated (the week after I got engaged) college and so many of my friends don't get it! My MOH luckily is doing the bachlorette party but even she doesn't know most of the details ;) She tries really hard though! My other friends? my fiance's 21 year old best man? NO CLUE!
It is frusterating! but I agree, help 'um out! I got my MOH a book and stuff to "hint" and push her in the right direction.
I think I had the reverse problem. I'm the second of my friends to get married, but our first friend had two of us be ushers, buy a $200 unflattering dress to be said ushers, and we were only in a handful of the professional photographs. Not okay. (And yes, I blame myself for not politely declining and instead going along with it all, only to kick myself later).
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Maybe it's because we all just graduated college, but my friends (both female and especially male) know nothing about weddings. We're talking like not knowing who traditionally pays for what (no, I'm not covering everyone's hotel rooms) and the seriousness of the event (yes, you need to practice your best man toast ahead of time). And no one's about to throw me a shower or bachelorette party either :( . It gets so frustrating sometimes, because I don't want to be a demanding bride, but I so often find myself having to give explanations, make requests, etc.
Anyone else have this issue? How do you deal?