Anyone else's SO upset about you not wanting to change your last name?

posted 2 years ago in Names
Post # 2
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I brought up the discussion after reading threads on here and on Facebook. I have always been made fun of for my last name so I have always wanted to change mine. I just wanted to discuss options with my FI just for fun and curiosity. He is very strong in his opinions and he wants me to take his last name. End of discussion. Again, not that I wanted to do anything different. I’m not offended that he wouldn’t even consider taking my name. And I’m not offended that he doesnt want me to keep mine. I’m excited to take his name.

Post # 3
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My DH was originally schocked and disappointed that I wasn’t going to change mine. He had never really heard of women keeping their name as it’s not big in his circle or where he is from. Most of his arguments or reasons were similar to the ones you listed. My favorite was, “but it will be so awkward when they introduce us at the wedding!” Lol! I think it embarrassed him kind of and hurt his pride. He definitely took it personally at first even though it obviously had nothing to do with him.

I eventually had to gently tell him that the issue was not up for debate, and that I was planning to keep my name, end of discussion. 

Now he is 100% fine with it and thinks it’s silly he ever made such a big deal about it. It has been a non-issue. I think he just needed a couple months to let it sink in and realize it was about me, and not about him.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My husband wanted me to take his name, so I did. I could have gone either way but it was very important to him. Marriage is compromise, so I gave on this one. 

Post # 5
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My FI wasn’t thrilled that I don’t want to take his last name, but I was able to get him to be comfortable with it at least.  One thing I said to him was “would you take my last name? No? Then why would you assume I’d take yours? Just because I’m a woman I should lose my identity”.  He had trouble arguing with that logic! Honestly, I did tell him if we decide to have children in the future, we’ll revisit the conversation though.

At the end of the day, it’s a completely personal decision, but I think it’s totally unfair for a guy to expect it! It’s our choice and they should just support you, whatever you want to do!

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My fiance really wants me to change my name. I’ve decided to hypenate and keep my maiden name professionally but use my married name in my personal life.

Post # 7
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

hollyberry4:  My FI and family brought that up to.  I told them they can absolutely introduce us as Mr & Mrs. X at the wedding or any other time, but I won’t using name in any other context lol

Post # 8
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was very lucky. My husband didn’t have a problem with me wanting to keep my name. It went pretty smoothly with his family as well. I think it might have helped that I had the “reason” that I was already published under my name. But really, very few people even asked why. My husband does agree that he would like to have a common family name, so he is considering taking my name when/if we have a child. Give your guy some time. Sometimes people don’t take the time to think through why they want something, and when they do, they realize that their reasons aren’t really valid, they were just assumptions.

Post # 10
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

ceedee18:  yes!yes!yes!! It is a very touchy subject at my house too! I’m keeping mine and adding his. I still want to be Mrs.JerNCher but I still want my last name for all the reasons you listed. I feel your pain girl!!

Post # 11
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

ceedee18:  Call me old fashioned but I agree with all of his points. Me changing my name was pretty important to my husband, and I never for one second considered not changing it. All the women in my family changed their names…it’s just the way it it.

Post # 12
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I just wanted to add something from another perspective. I had been on the fence about it, but leaning towards keeping my name for the same reasons that OP said. My fiancé came around after he realized that he wouldn’t want to change his, either.

Then I found out that in Québec, women can’t change their names when they get married (not even for a fee). Now I’m a little upset that the choice was taken from me, even though I would likely have chosen to keep my name. 

Post # 13
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

sillysillybee:  I was married previously, and I didn’t change my name last time.  I really think that was a mistake, even though I would have changed back to my maiden name after the divorce.   

I look at it as an act of love and respect that I can give my husband.  I don’t see many bees suggesting that a man paying for a huge rock is an  outdated tradition and not a very “equal” thing to do.  Really, why should a guy get stuck with that little task?  Because it’s tradition.  There may be some women that help pay for their rings or don’t want them, but based on what I see on the bee, those women are in the minority.  Anyway, sometimes tradition just is, and that’s ok.  I just moved my maiden name to my middle name and I use both names at work with no hypen.  My email signature block says Susan Smith Jones.  Everyone that knew me by my maiden name still recognizes me.  It’s a pretty simple way to make the man in your life feel like a million bucks and isn’t that what marriage is about?  Making each other feel great.  He did it for me by giving me a beautiful ring.  I did it for him by changing my name.  He never said you should only have this ring if you pay for half.  I don’t like this tradition.    I have mellowed and become more traditional with age…LOL….

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  NavyBee.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  NavyBee.
Post # 14
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

SummerBride2015:  I think after we said our vows the officiant said “and now for the first time as husband and wife I present Holly and Andy!” Or something. And then at the reception we were introduced as Holly mylastname and Andrew hislastname. I though it would be a good clue for people to know I was keeping my name.

Post # 15
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  I think it’s fine I change your name if that’s what you want to do, but I don’t think you should HAVE to change your name just because your SO prefers that you do it. I don’t think the ring comparison is completely fair because buying a ring isn’t changing something personal about yourself like a name change is. I do agree that it’s picking and choosing to say that one is not “sexist” or something and the other is. For is, my husband also wanted a ring so we both got engagement rings.

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