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I totally agree - I am paying pretty much all the deposits right now, but I know for us, we will combine finances right now, so for me it's not that big of a deal. Whether I pay for it all and he saves, or he pays for it all and I save, whatever is left over will be both of ours...
i know how you feel... except mine is the saving part. I keep saving and he doesnt and then says that he doesnt have that much money after everything is paid. well honey neither do i, but he just doesnt think about it. i know that we are gonna have to have a talk (again) and i am kinda dreading it but at the same time looking forward to getting my feelings out. i think that we need to have to just sit down and talk to our guys and make sure that we are on the same page here. the future is almost here for us.... (i love your wedding date... i wish i coulda had it but the 10th is great too....)
My FI and I are paying out of pocket too and it does feel like that at times. We are combining our finances soon so I will know soon enough where it all goes.
Have you talked about how you guys are going to divvy up the finances after you are married (or how you'll manage bank accounts).
I felt like that way a lot in the initial stages of making deposits, etc - but after FI and I figured out a game plan moving forward, it felt more equal.
But if both of you contribue to half the bills and you make a lot more money than him... shouldn't you be paying for more of the wedding? I don't know, I know that I would not be okay splitting bills 50/50 when one party made more than the other that doesn't seem fair to me or any way to share a life.
If you aren't comfortable contributing more to the budget than him... it's going to keep showing up in your marriage and be a constant problem. Or is the problem just the wedding? Could you start pitching in for 75% of living expenses and have him pay more for the wedding?
Well.......you're getting married - why does it matter who's bank account it comes out of if it is going to be joint money in a few months down the road?
We've already opened a joint checking account where any money we get from the wedding will go and a portion of each of our paychecks will go for paying bills. We'll also open a joint savings account and I'll be keeping my individual checking account for awhile to pay my bills and my own savings account. I'm okay with us combining finances but I still want to keep my own independent accounts as well and FI knows and is ok with that. I dunno...I thought statistics used to say that guys were supposed to be more financially responsible lol
@arachna: I completely get what you're saying and am OK with contributing more considering I make more...I guess my issue is more of the assumption on his part that I will pay these things and that he doesn't say something like, "I'll get this deposit" or something to that nature.
What sparked me posting was my father who won't be at the wedding handed me 3k in cash today as a gift and apology for not being able to attend the wedding. I told FI and he said, well if it's for the wedding we can use it for bridal party gifts (meanwhile I'm done getting all mine and he still needs to get his so he essentially wants to use some of my dad's money to buy his groomsmen gifts)...when I pointed this out to him he said, well it's for the wedding! No honey...the gifts you get for your boys should not be paid for by my father...
yeah i know how you feel - i have paid all the deposits so far for all the vendors (and i buy groceries and pay most of the bills normally out of my account - i make more. buuuuut i know that hes been saving all along, so hes got about 8K+ in savings for the rest of teh payments we need to make come the month of the wedding so it all equals out. because heavens know i will be broke come wedding day LOL thank goodness hes saving since I dont have much left over every paycheck to save!
I know I am.
But then again if I tried to get him to pay for $800 worth of flowers I would have to put together a freaking powerpoint presentation on why we "need" them.
He pays 90% of our living expenses so I can afford it, plus then I don't have to justify every expense, it's nice having that kind of freedom.
you know, i had JUST graduated college when we got engaged and DH paid a large portion of the major bills. And i always felt terribly guilty not contributing 50/50. In fact, i only recently felt okay about it all because he was unemployed for 6 months and MY salary has covered us 100%. And even so, I make about 2x what he makes now because he can't find a real engineering job!
So yeah, having been there done that, the guilt was awful and i brought it up often because i felt like a d-bag basically! didn't matter that he was deployed with ZERO living expenses!!!
I agree with you about the new money your dad gave you....he needs to be more responsible and budget a little better for his things that he's covering. AFter i'd been on my feet about 6 months or so, I started picking things off the list i'd pay for. DH had the venue covered, but i didn't use our joint account for stuff like the stationary, favors, blah blah blah--i paid for all that.
I am in this identical situation, I completely feel your pain. I don't have any advice because it's driving me crazy, but you're not alone :(
I'm trying to convince him to combine our finances so it won't feel like "his" money and "her" money but he's hesitant to do that for a number of reasons that I understand completely. Right now I just keep trying to remind myself that the big white wedding is my dream, not his (he'd be perfectly happy eloping), so it makes sense that I should pay more.
We put money we got for our engagement, some money we got from my mother, and our tax refunds in a joint account and we've been paying most of the expenses from there. However, FI has put down a deposit on our honeymoon and I've paid the photographer some. He makes more than I do and I just lost my job and sometimes I feel bad I'm not contributing as much as he is.
We opened a joint account for the wedding too. I think it has worked for a couple of reasons. 1) we have a budget for a reason! we can't afford a $30 000 wedding and having a set amount already keeps us accountable (tho, i know near the end we will be stealing from little pots here and there) and 2) he put in half and i put in half. Anything the parents pay for is a bonus and saves us money but we are not counting on it.
I feel the same way. So far we have only done the deposits for the venue and the caterer, which were 250 each. I paid the caterer out of my personal checking account, but when he sent in the deposit for the venue, he wrote the check out of our joint checking account that we use for household bills and remodeling expenses. It seriously put me through the roof!! And he makes as much in one week as I do in two and the amount of money he has in savings is ridiculous!
I still haven't figured out a way to approach or bring it up without making myself feel bad. I know he probably doesn't even realize that things haven't been equal and wouldn't care and probably fix it, but even though we have one joint account, a mortgage and etc I feel uncomfortable bringing money up and just saying WTF!
And I forgot to add that I also during this time paid 500.00 worth the repairs on his car because he forgot his checkbook when we picked it up and they didn't take debit/credit. I'm on a roll now!
I think finances is one of those things that is most difficult with relationships. Not only do I manage our money (because he has proven irresponsible in the past), but I bring in about double what he does. All of our wedding expenses have come from my pocket. I am not actually bothered by this, though. If he had more money, then he'd be paying for it, instead. I don't mind being the one shelling out the dough mostly because he has agreed with the majority of the decisions I've made regarding the wedding (including having the wedding in my parents' hometown).
we opened a joint checking account for the wedding and plan to use it after as well. We both put X amount of dollars each month. a lot of the time we'll pay with our personal credit cards just to earn mileage/rewards then take the money out of the joint acct to pay to credit card. the only things that have come out of our personal accts will be attendant gifts, my dress and whatever extras I want in the wedding that wasn't part of the budget.
We make monthly payments to the reception hall and we both go in on it together. We figure out how much one of us can come up with every pay day (we get paid on the same day so it's a lot easier that way) and the other one matches it. We are both paying for the wedding together. There are a couple of things that I will have him pay for alone because I'm buying a lot of the accessories on my own.
Perhaps you should open up a joint savings or checking "wedding" account together (my and FI's is an ING account), agree on an amount that each of you will put in each paycheck that you're both comfortable with, and then when things need to be paid, it comes out of that account. That way, the money instantly becomes "yours" and specifically for the wedding.
That's helped a lot with the "who's paying for what" between FI & I. I make a little more money than he does (which is not saving a whole heck of a lot b/c we're both students) but I also have more expenses than he does, so it evens out pretty much. The other thing I try to keep in mind is how much he spent on my engagement ring, which even if it isn't for the wedding per se, it is what started the whole thing :)
I think it is important to REALLY THINK & decide WHY you may be putting more money into the wedding? Does your fiance not have a ton of money to contribute? Or does he have the money to contribute but just isn't? Depending on how you'd answer this question, my response would be different. If you feel he can afford to help out more, then you have to talk to him! Maybe he doesn't realize how much more you have contributed.. have you sat down with him and decided a budget? If you've done all this, then telling him you're feeling used is the next step. Although I'd find a better way to word that. JUST BE CAREFUL about how the situation is handled. If he can't afford much as it is, beginning an argument about wedding expenses (and who's paying what) could be bad news.
For my wedding, my fiance & fiance's family is paying for pretty much everything... I absolutely HATE that is has to be this way, but there is really no other option. I'm currently enrolled in college, have a college job.. but that job only pays for rent, food, school supplies, etc. Unfortunately my family can't help much either. My dad has been battling cancer for over two years now and can't even afford to pay off the many many medical bills.. that on top of other financial struggles. My parents are paying for everything they can for my wedding, which is close to nothing in the grand scheme of things, but my wonderful fiance understands our situation. He respects the financial differences of our families and knows that my family isn't trying to rob him of his money. I hesitate to say we have a "good" reason.. since its not a good situation. Anyway, we would LOVE to contribute more, but simply can't. In return, my family and i plan on doing a lot of the little, tedious projects for the wedding like making the invitations, save the dates, centerpieces, etc...
ANYWAY, the situation you're in seems to be quite different than mine. I don't see any other option besides talking to him about your concerns, while respecting his as well. The ladies above have some really good ideas.. try those out! Best of luck!
that seems like a pain in the ass of a way to do things. We decided on a budget, set up a wedding account, and agreed on a set amount to contribute each month. If there isn't enough money in the account (bc our budget is based on 12 mo of saving and some things get paid early!) i just cover it and then reimburse myself later.
I know i'm a little late finding this threat, but I agree that you should absolutely not let him use your dad's money for groomsmen gifts. Just tell him you using it to "reimburse yourself" for all the things you've already had to pay for.
For the most part, I am paying my bills, paying for our wedding and saving for a house. He covers his bills, and our spending money. Im ok with it. My money is "our" money, I make twice as much as he does, when we have babies he will stay home with them, and he does most of the cooking. It all evens out in the end.
I think you need to get a handle on this, thinking beyond the wedding. Is this how it's going to be once you're married? I think you'll need to have a serious sit-down-talk.
I'm lucky, i earn pretty much the same as me beloved (which in my opinion is pretty effed up anyway, i'm a physio at a private sports clinic, he's been a Marine for 20+ years; i prod people for a living, he's on the front line in warzones, etc) and we've started a joint account now to do the wedding with, but after we're married and he PCS's i'll be unemployed for however long it takes... which could be years... and he's ok paying for my life expenses: car, clothing, etc which is a major thing for me as i've been earning and paying my own way since i was 17
I'm paying more - but it's because I make significantly more. At the beginning of this thing, we put together a budget and discussed payments and a plan. And we stuck to the plan. It sounds like you guys skipped the planning stage. Does he know how much he *should* be paying? Does he know how much you are paying? Do you have a budget laid out of how much you guys are spending on things? If you don't do any of these, it's hard to really know why it's happening.
Does he get to make wedding related decisions? I'd be pretty resistant to paying 50-50 when my SO clearly makes more and perhaps is directing the wedding. Obviously I don't know this, so if he is getting a say, disregard. But if I only have X left over a month and am told I should put it towards Y, which I really don't even want, I wouldn't offer.
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FI and I are paying for the wedding pretty much ourselves and I know in the greater scheme of things it shouldn't matter, but I'm starting to feel like A LOT of the expenses are being paid out of my bank account. So far I've made two payments on the reception venue, deposit on the flowers, deposit on the DJ, made one of the payments for the photographers, paid for the invitations and stamps, used my frequent flyer miles for the honeymoon, paying for the centerpiece supplies...he's put down a deposit on the limos and honeymoon. Granted I do make a significant amount more than him, and like I said, it shouldn't matter, but I'm tired of writing the checks and feeling like I'm paying for the wedding. Anytime I bring it up he says he doesn't have as much money after paying bills as I do - but I contribute to half of the bills including the mortgage! I hate 'keeping track' of what I pay vs. what he does, but I guess it just worries me about what our future will be like if I continue to make more than him....