Anyone find out the gender but keep it secret?

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

We originally planned to do this, but when it got closer to the time to fnd out I changed my mind. We compromised and told people the gender (a girl!) but decided to keep all names to ourselves.

I would suggest that you find out if you want, but do not tell anyone that you know. A lie, yes, but less offensive than telling people you are keeping the secret from them!

For what it is worth, we had our baby shower early (before we found out the gnder) and it was so worth it to get more gear and gender-neutral items. Once we found out the gender we spread the word that we do NOT want a lot of frilly or pink, or sparkly things. So far people have been accomodating 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

We are planning to find out and not share.  My MIL wants to be surprised so it seems easiest to just keep it between us. 

ETA: I think I plan on just telling people that we don’t know.

Post # 5
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My opinion on this isn’t on the side of finding out and keeping it a secret. I see your reasons, so I’m not saying YOU would be doing it for this reason, but typically it just comes across as attention seeking to me. In reality, no one cares about the gender as much as the parents do, so to find out the gender and then be like but we’re not sharing it… just seems like it’s a way for most people to get attention.

You don’t HAVE to share the gender, but I think I you can easily resolve the pink and blue issue by just letting people know you aren’t huge on pink. I’m having a boy and I already see a million red and blue baby things in my future, so I’m trying to not buy any in those colors myself. Also, aren’t sharing your baby’s genitalia with the wodrld unless you SHOW them the genitalia, which I am totally with you and not into the whole “see there’s my baby’s peepee!!” thing. I also have not shared any US pics on facebook. No one needs to see the inside of my uterus! 

Post # 6
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We did, sort of. Our plan was to find out at 20 weeks and keep it a secret until our shower, at which point we would spill the beans with a joint shower/gender reveal. And that’s exactly what we did. We found out at 20 weeks and told people at 32 weeks. I thought it was going to be impossible to keep the secret for that long, but I’m 34 weeks now and I think I could have gone the rest of the way without siipping up. 

We loved having that secret between us, and we also loved getting gender neutral stuff at our showers. That said, now that we can freely refer to our baby as “he/him” it makes it feel a WHOLE LOT more real. 

And although we no longer have that gender secret, we are keeping our list of names under wraps. So once again, there will still be some element of surprise when the baby is born. 

Post # 7
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Naw… It’s just not how we choose to do it.  We’ve already happily announced that it’s a girl.  It’s a personal choice though, so there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it.

Post # 8
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I know a lot of people who wait to announce until after their showers, just to avoid gendered things.  Personally, I registered for as much neutral as possible to try to avoid blue everything, but since we did a gender reveal, we’ll see how much good it does in a few weeks at my first shower.

Post # 10
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I wish we had done this. We were bombarded with pink things and it really made me wish we’d just kept it between us. And as far as what other people think who cares? You have to do what’s best for you. I am so sick of seeing people being attacked as attention seekers. Good Lord let people do what they need to do spew your bitterness at the weather or something lol. You can’t please everyone so do what you need to do. Like I already said if I could change one thing I did during this pregnancy it would be making the gender public. 

Post # 11
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@PatientBee:  It depends on the person, like I said, based on your reasoning I can see why you wouldn’t want to talk about it really, some people are just private. But I’d say a good majority of people aren’t and love attention in general. I think saying you don’t know is a good approach, strangers and people you don’t know well don’t really need to know your business anyway. And when you DO find out, you might feel stronger one way or the other. You might feel like you really do want to just keep it on the dl, or that you can’t imagine not sharing the excitement with your family. It comes down to personal preference, that’s just how it comes across to me in general.

Post # 12
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MsJ2theZ: My SIL did this and it drove the entire family bonkers. She was really rude about it though and let everyone know that they were keeping it a secret. She was also upset after the baby was born (a boy) and everyone only gave her white and yellow items. (but really what other options are there? Grey? Red can sometimes go either way maybe…) 

If you are not blatently obvious about you knowing and just leave it as something like “we decided we will be happy reguardless of the gender” you should be okay, but if your family finds out that you know and you are keeping it a secret expect some hurt feelings. I think as long as you are prepared to deal with people asking about every strange old wives tale there is to try and figure out if its a boy or girl then you should probably be fine.

Post # 13
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

When we found out SIL and BIL were pregnant, I asked SIL if they’ll find out sex.  She said not sure yet.  I talked about my experience waiting to find out my baby’s sex till the real birthday and it was such a great surprise, I’d love to do it again if I got the chance.

They told everyone they decided to wait to find out the sex of baby.  Well fast forward to a business type dinner (BIL and my husband work together). Sitting at a business dinner, in casual conversation, coworkers were saying that they were having a girl!  Oh really?!

OH OK!  I guess the only ones getting the ‘surprise’ was going to be me and my husband.  I thought that was the jerkiest thing I had ever heard of. 

Somewhere in there MIL admitted they had told the parents right away and were going to keep it a secret for everybody else.  *Except for co-workers?

Whatever you decide to do, remember the parents to be are the ones that care most.  Its not the most exciting surprise for aunts and uncles especially when they know they are the last to know.

Post # 14
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@PatientBee:  The only reason I ask any of my pregnant friends if they know the gender yet, its because there are, in this whole entire universe, only three topics that are totally safe to discuss with a pregnant woman.

1.  Possible names

2.  The Gender

3.  Nursery Decor

Everything else is a potential powder keg, and should be avoided….so if I ask, because I’m trying to be supportive and interested in her experience, and I get, “We know but we’re not telling….”  I always feel as if I’ve been identified as some covert family spy and cannot be trusted with such sensitive information.

Its not that big a deal, either way, but from what I’ve seen, the couples that keep it to themselves, find more drama stirring around their secrecy, at least within their close families, than if they had just come out and said, “Its a boy, go easy on the blue shit.”

Post # 15
Member
1395 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think it’s cool when parents don’t share and let it be a surprise. I didn’t have the restraint to do that myself, but I admire those who do. It makes the announcement really fun, IMO! If the only reason is to not get overloaded on a particular colour, though, I’d just casually toss that info into a conversation and tell people the gender. We got a lot of neutral stuff before our girls were born, and I never put them in it because people always assume our little baldies are boys! Not super into pink either, but I find it’s nice to have stuff like dresses.

Post # 16
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Nona99:  +1 exactly! why the need for drama and attention?  its annoying.

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