Post # 1
HELP PLEASE… If your FI has been married and divorced please let me know how you handeled this? Or if im overreacting..
So.. My FI has been married once before, and this will be my first… As im beginning to plan for our wedding, I have growing and growing anxiety/curiosity/jealousy of his ex wife… I can’t help but wonder if im going to start picking out “similar” things that he did in his first wedding and trigger old memories for him. The LAST thing I want to do, is have him thinking of HER on our wedding day.
We have great communication, and I have told him my concerns about having our wedding be too much alike his wedding with his EX etc.etc. I asked to see pictures of her dress, and asked other questions about when and where it took place, so I knew what to stay away from…
…His Response… He was gentle, loving and soft with me- when he told me that he doesn’t remember much from his wedding in 07… and that he had a very strong preference to NOT look through old wedding photos to find suitable ones for me to look at… Although he did not flat out deny my request, he (in a very loving manner) told me how uncomfortable it would make him feel to take that trip down memory lane.
I know with certainty that his divorce with her was the end of their relationship and do not at all feel threatened by her at all. But at the same time, when we first started dating he shared with her a picture of us… of me… to her… and today, he dodges every attempt I make at trying to see a picture of her. I feel like its not fair, that he can share our relationship with her, but not their past relationship with me. He has told me many times, that he believes its unproductive to look in the past, but to live in the present and look to the future.
Am I overreacting?
p.s. They are business partners, and still talk. When she’s in town they have lunch together. He even does her taxes still. He shares with her ton’s about us, and shares nothing with me about her. This is the root of the issue i think…
Post # 3
@LuckyDucky86: Yes, you are overreacting and you should not care. Chances are, her wedding was completely different than yours anyway. He is with you. Even he doesn’t care any longer.
Keep it moving.
Post # 4
My husband has been married before, but it doesn’t bother me. He had no children with her and hasn’t been in contact with her since the divorce. Time to move on, he’s with you now!
Post # 5
@LuckyDucky86: Yes you’re overreacting. If I asked my husband today (we’ve been married for 6 months) what color our flowers or linens were he’d say I have no f-ing clue. He probably couldn’t even sufficiently describe my dress or pick it out of a line up. Even if you end up picking similar things to his ex he won’t notice. Just let it go and focus on the future not the past. She will be the last thing on his mind at your wedding.
Post # 6
@LuckyDucky86: If it hurts him then I would just forget it. You could ask just what their colors were and stay away from them!
But you have pinterest now…so your wedding will automatically be better :p
Post # 7
You’re overreacting. I’ve been married since December and I can promise you my husband doesn’t remember what he wore, or what color flowers I held in June, or even what our centerpieces looked like.
It shouldn’t matter to you. She’s in the past and he is marrying you. He sounds like he has moved on, you should, too.
Post # 8
I can completely understand that you don’t want him or guests to compare your wedding to each other to his wedding with her. But honestly? I wouldn’t over think it. 5 years ago is a long time and he loves you, and your guests will see you, not her. I’d say – so long as you don’t get married at the same venue or go on the same honeymoon, you’ll be great. My SO is divorced and I wouldn’t want to be compared to his ex, but similarly I wouldn’t go out of my way to discover every last detail of his relationship to ensure our wedding, house decor, holiday destination, etc was different to a previous relationship
Post # 9
I guess what bothers me the most is that, he talks to her about us all the time.
They still chat on a regular basis for a few reasons, 1. he wants to remain friends with her and 2. they are joint finantial investers in a few things that can not be undone in the current economy without significant loss.
He shares with her our vacation plans, pictures of us on our vacations etc. and refuses to tell me anything about her, or even show me a picture of her. Its obvious to me that their connection is strong, and I feel like he shares more with her than he does with me…
Post # 10
@LuckyDucky86: Okay, then, your latest post puts a different spin on things. Talking to her and sharing photos; why? I can understand if they have mutual investments and might need to share *business-related* information. I would be upset, too, if my fiance was sharing private things that are between us with his ex. Have you told him his behavior in this regard bothers you?
Post # 11
I have seen pictures of my FI’s ex, in her wedding dress (grumble grumble) so I knew to make sure to not get one similar (very poufy 90’s dress so that was never going to happen anyway…). I have no idea if she knows what I look like but I have been working through this and while I think it’s natural to have some comparative thoughts you cannot obsess over it! That is over and he’s with you now. Enjoy this and more so, work on having a great marriage with him. Hugs to you, for I most certainly understand where your head is at with this one!
ETA – hold upppp… did not see your latest post. My FI has not had any contact with his ex since almost right after his divorce 6 years ago. I can see why you’d be even more upset! 🙁
Post # 12
@kimberley25 Yes, I told him that I felt like he shares more with her than he does with me. He told me that he just want’s to let her know that happy.
He said that she left him to be with someone else, and feels responsible for the loss of 8 years of his life. So he just wants to let her know not to feel guilty anymore. That he is happy now.
Post # 13
@LuckyDucky86: That is SERIOUSLY bizarre. Like, really, really bizarre.
Post # 14
I think you are overreacting. My FI has been married, divorced, and engaged once more before me. Again it was BEFORE ME. I honestly had the same concerns. I don’t want anything to similar however that wedding was long ago and trends and people change dramatically over time. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I think it is a normal concern for us to wonder about their “other wedding” but I don’t think it’s fair to him to discuss any details from it.
I asked my fiance about his first marriage and his response was that he doens’t remember much and that after such a bad marriage it’s not something he wanted to remember either. He told me that because it will be totally different and new to him because of the people there and me. YOU are what the wedding is about. Celebrating your love for one another so nothing you can do will be too similar.
I guarentee that if you pick a dress or colors similar, as a guy, he won’t care. He will be happy to celebrate with you. Not thinking about his first marriage.
Post # 15
My FI were both married before (we also don’t have children) and he told me everything early in our relationship. They were married 12 years so it was a significant part of his adult life. I never felt threatened in any way.
Our wedding will be nothing like theirs. They had a black tie formal $$$$$ wedding paid for by her wealthy late father. Nothing like that going on here, LOL. He doesn’t even remember being there.
Back to you, OP, I think you are overacting.
Post # 16
@LuckyDucky86: how long have you been together? I ask because my FI is divorced and in the beginning I cared a lot more about this sort of stuff than I do 4 years down the track now. I accidentally saw wedding photos at the start of our relationship so I have an idea of her dress/colours etc (luckily for me she chose my least favourite bridesmaid dress colour) but now I really am not fussed by any of it. FI also has said like yours does that he honestly cannot remember much of the day. Not specific details anyway. Try not to let it get to you, the feeling will pass, I’m sure. My only peeve about marrying a divorced guy is when a few people have asked whether he will feel silly saying the vows again – ummm, thanks for that! No, he won’t!