- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
This is absolutely one of the hardest things. I struggle with this with quite a few family members! My stepmom said racially disturbing things about my husband (then boyfriend she hadn't even met) and she and my dad were not at our wedding (my choice) and I haven't spoken to them in a few years now. I did speak to my dad last year on the phone a month before the wedding and he defended her!! I STILL can't forgive. I have lots of anger towards them. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, since I struggle with this, too. I'm anxious to see what some Bees suggest!! :) Good luck and I hope you are able to eventually forgive because they say forgiveness helps YOU. It's for YOUR emotional well-being. But it is way easier said, than done! :)
@Jenn23: Thanks! It is way easier said than done. I feel like I have a good judge of character, but I would've never thought these people would be like this. It is funny how people are quick to believe negative stuff even when they know it is untrue.
Some things I've found have helped me:
Tough to give concrete suggestions without understanding more of the background, but totally understandable in why you wouldn't post that kind of thing on a public message board!
It helps for me to look at things from the other person's perspective. It seems counterintuitive especially if they are being really heinous. I used to work with this girl who was backstabbing, unprofessional, combative, etc. etc. I had so much anger toward her--even after she finally moved away. When she contacted me a while later, she apologized for her behavior, saying she had been depressed and angry with her life. Of course, it helped that she had the self-awareness to examine her actions and apologize, but it helped to see why she had acted the way she did, and helped me to forgive her for my own sake.
For me, the thing that I have learned is that continuing to deal with someone and forgiving someone means two different things to me. Forgiving someone is what allows ME to continue to go about my life without wasting precious energy continuing to be angry over things I can't change, and sometimes the other person isn't even sorry for. It's not really about them and what they need...it's about me healing for myself.
This doesn't mean that you continue to have a relationship with the people who have hurt you. It doesn't mean that you give them another chance or even wipe the slate clean. The best lesson that I have learned over the years is that while you can't choose your family, you CAN decide when, how, and how much you deal with them. Just because a person is my family, it doesn't mean they have the right to disrespect me, lie on me, or cheat me. It doesn't mean that my feelings and needs should be disregarded.
The best advice I can give is not to force it. If you need to be able to talk to the person and get it all out before you can forgive, do that. If you need some distance between yourself and the other person, do that. Recognizing that the forgiveness is for you and your peace of mind and is not absolving the other person of blame or guilt makes it a little easier. Also recognizing that your relationship with that person may not be the same, or may not be at all, and that's OK, is also important.
I wrote a novel...but I hope it helps
@daydreamwanderer: Thanks! I'll pm you the details.
Basically, somone close to us had a lot of negative engery. It rubbed people the wrong way. Since it is Hubby's family, he asked them about it because about 5 people were concerned for that person (they felt like they did something wrong). The person became defensive. The next thing that I know, someone else close to Hubby is on FB talking about me and blaming it on me (without using my name). They later admitted that they misunderstood and were wrong to blame it on me. However, they did not feel it was wrong to put it on FB because they didn't state my name.
Hubby and I am both hurt. He is more angry because it is his family. I am just hurt because this isn't the first time that someone in his family said something negative about me that was not true. This time it is just too much for us.
@MsJeep23: Thank you. I have looked at it from their perspective. While it doesn't make sense, I can understand why they are thinking crazy. They aren't doin anything, but making assumptions. It seems like they have spent a long time thinking about things and letting their imaginations get the best of them.
@JamaicaBride: Thank you. I used to talk to them often, but now I don't want to talk to them anymore. I am afraid that they will try to nit pick and find something wrong with me. I feel like they are looking for an issue, and out to make me look bad.
The things that they have said about me has never been said about me before. I feel like it hurts so much because I was close to them. I feel like they are finally saying how they really feel about me.
When I had a massive falling out with someone, I obsessed over it for months. Finally, it occurred to me that maybe she didn't know exactly why I was so pissed at her, so I wrote her a very long letter and sent it to her. I felt a zillion times better and from there I was able to forgive her. We still don't talk and I really don't have an interest in doing so, but I'm no longer squeemish at the thought of seeing her again.
ETA: I don't know if this will work for you because it's family, but it could be very beneficial to really sit down and hash out what happened and get everything out in the open in a respectful manner. It's scary, but it feels great.
@MissHelen: Thanks! I guess it won't be best to do that right now because all I really want to say is, "I see how you really are and you are not the type of person that I want to be around." Basically, they know I have a problem about what was said, but they don't know how much it affected me.
My Hubby said that he will talk to them before I will see them again. He wants to set them straight because if they pull this again, we may never be close to them again.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 24 |
| fishbone | 16 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| ladyartichoke | 12 |
| mypinkshoes | 12 |
| pengoala | 11 |
 sylvia.riggle |
11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ndreighton | 10 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ShellVee | 8 |
| MsPanda | 7 |
| ellisrobertson | 5 |
| lisalew5472 | 1 |
| UpstateCait | 1 |
| keepsmiling19 | 1 |
| Niqs | 1 |
| Pinksapphire | 1 |
| countrygirl62312 | 1 |
| Rush1986 | 1 |
Hi, some people close to me have said and done things that I can't really get over. One person has admitted that they were wrong to a certain extent. I want to forgive them, but I don't want to be a fool and allow this to happen again. I doubt my relationship with them will ever be the same or go where it could've gone. I have an issue with their character. If they weren't family I would've cut all ties with them, but because they are I will have to have some sort of relationship.