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my family is jewish and FI is italian. for the most part things are fine, but to his family the thing they care most about is having a big antipasti display (meat and cheeses and whatnot) at the reception. meanwhile, my parents keep kosher and are adamant about not having any pork at the wedding, and aren't really comfortable even with the mixing of meat and dairy. it's so stupid and yet is such a huge headache for me.
I totally understand! By the way the assyrian dancing is basically like everyone dancing in a circle, like SO MANY other people do! With my mom's reaction you would think I was joining a cult. It's so frustrating.
What will you do about the display? Would his parents be okay if you did a display but without the pork? I know that it's still not ideal for your parents but it maybe a little more acceptable to them?
Compromise, compromise, compromise!!! That's the most important thing in intercultural relationships. I know, because I'm in one. :) We had two seperate weddings (one in India and one here in the U.S.) but if his family lived here in the U.S., we would have had one wedding only. We would have had two ceremonies and one, big reception and blended all the neat aspects from both cultures. Your mom has to accept that you will have Assyrian details in your wedding. I'm so sorry she is giving you flack and being difficult. Is she happy you are marrying him? Do you feel that his parents are completely controlling the wedding planning and not giving you or your parents any say? The best way to solve all this is to communicate so that everybody can express their wishes. What does your FI say?
Thanks, Jenn! At first I was wondering if it would be easier to do two weddings - but where would our friends go?! I don't feel like his parents are in control at all. His mother wanted a very large wedding in another city and we have cut the size quite a bit (just not enough for my mom's taste) and we are having it where we live. I try to tell my mom that she is imagining these things but I can't seem to get through to her. I think I need to realize that she won't be 100% happy and I very may well look over at her and the wedding and see that she is unhappy and be prepared to try to ignore it.
My FI is very supportive but comparitively speaking his parents have been much easier to deal with and I feel sorry for making him have to deal with my mom. Well, really he just has to deal with me being upset about my mom :)
My FI is motivated, successful, sweet, fun, caring. I think my mom is happy that I am happy but scared by the cultural difference. The crazy part is we aren't that different at all! I think she is probably also threatened by his family because he is very close with them and I get along very well with them too. Did you parents ever have irrational concerns?
I think having one large wedding is great. If the in-laws are financially covering the larger guest count, why does your mom object so much to the amount of guests? Do you think she's just complaining about these details, but really it's because she is scared about the cultural differences? Hopefully, with time she'll grow more comfortable with the idea and especially after you two are married! :)
My mother was totally fine with me marrying my husband. She really likes him. So I didn't have that problem. And his family likes me. (We're very lucky in this, I know! I know many people have issues when it comes to family acceptance of intercultural relationships!)
I see you have almost a year until the wedding. Hopefully, your mom will come around more by then!
@BrideToBeIsMe: yes i think ultimately we'll end up with an antipasto display minus any meat, which is barely an antipasto display but we're doing our best. my mom's concerns have also been raised as we've started wedding planning--even though we'd talked a million times about how we plan to raise our children jewish and we'll keep jewish traditions and whatnot, all of the sudden she is freaking out that i'm not jewish enough. what? i haven't changed at all (in my religion) since meeting FI, so i don't know where this is coming from. meanwhile, we were visiting my parents last weekend and my mom handed FI some information on classes on judaism and conversion classes!
i think the saving grace is that in both our cultures, the bride's family hosts the wedding, so ultimately i guess my parents get their way. another issue? our parents have never met. terrible, i know, we finally have a dinner scheduled for next month. our parents live 4-5 hours apart and we've just never had them over at the same time. hopefully everyone will get along and that will ease some tension.
@pb and j: Our parents haven't met each other yet either!! We are all in different parts of the country and we have to actually schedule the meeting somehow. My future in laws invited my parents to their house but that didn't work out and they think it is so odd they haven't talked yet. I think maybe it should be in person instead of over the phone first so I can supervise!
@BrideToBeIsMe: oh we DEFINITELY have to be there to supervise! and each set of parents will get briefed beforehand on topics they aren't allowed to talk about. like, politics. my parents live in DC and everything is about politics. but FI's family's politics....well, let's just say that they are on the opposite side of the spectrum from my parents...and none of them are good at seeing both sides. they're never going to be best friends, we just want them to get along well enough.
Same here!!!!! But I suppose our cultures are not that different. I'm Brazilian and he's English. We're both Christians though so that makes it easy, as he's happy with a church wedding (although my church is a bit different from his). Then we're having a huge reception in Brazil but mostly for my family, so it will be 100% brazilian style.
Then we'll have a party at a pub in England, to celebrate with his family and friends, but it won't be an actual wedding!!!
And yes, my mum does complain at times if I compromise in some things... But more regarding the marriage itself, and very little about the wedding...
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I'm marrying the most amazing guy that happens to be Assyrian, so we plan to have a mix of cultures at our wedding. Typically in their culture the groom hosts the wedding, and my american parents of course expected to host. I thought the best way to handle would be to share in the costs and the cultures but my mother is being so difficult. The only difference is that we will have more people than she would have liked - about 165 instead of 100 (but my fiance's family will be covering those costs) and that we will incorporate some assyrian dancing at the reception. The wedding will be in neither of our hometowns but instead it will be where we live now.
My mother is acting like they are controlling me and the wedding and she has ridiculously ignorant things to say and I don't know how much more of it I can handle. I'm so hurt by her comments and I don't know what to do.
Does anyone else have a similar problem?