Post # 1
Well I’m going anonymous for this one, to protect the identities of those involved. BUT I am a real true-blue person, and have been on Weddingbee for a while. So, no need to conjecture as to whether I am a troll, etc.
Hubs and I started out as swingers, and now have found ourselves in a “relationship” with another couple which we never expected. Basically, she’s my husband’s girlfriend, he is my boyfriend, and we spend quite a bit of time together, as all four, and as two on two, and as threes. When we met, it all started with sex, evolved to feelings, and now we have spent almost every weekend together plus vactions, obviously with all the ups and downs that one could imagine.
In any case, we’ve now realized that we are “in it to win it” with our feelings and thoughts, and we are looking to talk to other people who have experienced or are experiencing something like what we are going through. Most information that we have found on poly is about people who sought it out, or triads, or people where the “boyfriend” isn’t married to the “girlfriend”. This does not apply to us. We (unrealistically) want to find couples with our EXACT experience, hahaha. So…if you were a swinger with your husband and then somehow accidentally found yourself in a real relationship with another couple, please chime in!
I will be happy to answer questions and take *constructive* comments. Please don’t waste your time telling me how stupid and “destructive” our situation is. Thanks Bees!!! MEEEEEEP!
Post # 2
Anonymous4: I thought I was the only person who said judgy mcjudgerton… so good on you for that. Unfortunately, that’s all I have to contribute – it sounds like an interesting, and complicated situation. Good luck!
Post # 3
Anonymous4: I don’t have anything constructive to add as I’m in a boring classical relationship – the only third party involved is our daughter 😉
i do have a question though. When you say the other guy is your boyfriend and the other girl your husband’s girlfriend, does that mean you’re also doing couple things where people that know you see you? or even bring the boyfriend to family events when DH isn’t available?
im not judging at all, but id be interested in how people react that know you are married when you show up somewhere with a boyfriend, but of course without the cheating.
Without having any experience whatsoever with the situation, my gut feeling would be to enjoy it while it lasts but to make sure with your DH that as soon as anyone feels even remotely uncomfortable with any aspect, that you share this with each other and put your own relationship first, even if the reason the person has May feel “stupid” to the other one.
i would assume this won’t last forever (eg when kids come into the equation), so I’d try to make sure things are kept in a civilized fashion of the break up occurs and not to worry too much about it if it feels right for the four of you.
Post # 4
I have a question!
How much more ‘value’ or emphasis do you put on the relationship between you and your husband rather than the poly one?
Post # 5
Anonymous4: FI and I have *swung* before but it was just sex. So sorry I can’t add much for the feelings factor, but is it weird that I find this endearing? LOL!
Post # 6
Anonymous4: Ok, so question, when 4 of you do it all together, how does it even work? Do you do like all 69’s in a circle? (I know it sounds laughable, but I always wonder!)
Post # 7
Barely_Blush: I Lol’d at circle 69’s but a legitimate question as I have wondered this as well.
Post # 8
Anonymous4: I don’t have any experience with this, but I do have a friend that has been in open relationships. One thing she really emphasized is being open, honest, and not taking things too personally. Other than that, I don’t have much insight, but I wish all four of you the best!
Post # 9
When I first read the title, I was like, “is a poly quad one of those rings comprised of 4 princess cut stones?”
No and no.
Sorry, OP. Can’t help. I’m glad you are enjoying your arrangement though.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX
LilRhodyGem: I thought the same thing! This is way more interesting haha
Post # 11
Wow! Thanks to all so much for your nice responses!
Ok. So as to events. We are “out” to all our friends (and a couple family members) as swingers. Recently, the 4 of us have started telling the swinger community and friends that we are dating. It’s actually kind of fun! That exciting “ooh…let me introduce my boyfriend” feeling. We’ve attended social events together (without the other couple and with) and frankly, it’s pretty obvious to anyone who sees us that we are not “just friends”. To some vanilla aquaintances and friends we keep a facade “my friend visiting from NY”, but to only a few.
How do we do it all together? Well we rarely do–it’s usually one on one or one on two. But the few times we have…well use your imagination! The guys don’t do stuff, and we girls sometimes do stuff, but mostly it’s just…fun swapping. How graphic do you want a description??
We currently put our marriage in the primary emphasis. That may or may not change. I’m open to evolution…we’ll see if the rest of the people are! As love enters the picture things get interesting…and that’s part of why I would love to hear of other people’s experiences.
Communication…oh boy is that a “funnie”. Soo many “discussions” happen, not all of them good, not all of them happy. But they happen! And we keep coming back for more.
Post # 12
What if one person no longer wants to participate? how do they “break up” with the other 3? What if somebody gets all psycho crazy?
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
I believe that anything bigger than a triad is a “tribe,” but I’ve never been in one so I’m not 100% sure. Anyway, if you listen to the Savage Lovecast (radio show by sex, love, and relationship columnist Dan Savage) then go back a couple of months – I believe he did a whole show on the ins and outs of big poly love. This included a couple questions to a lawyer, who wanted to talk about how it can affect families to be “out,” how it works to get legally bound up with another group of people, etc.
Congrats on your relationship, glad it’s working for you! Love = love = love, whether it’s one man and one woman for life, two men, two women, or some totally different configuration; as long as everyone is honest and respectful with everyone else, you’ve got a fighting chance.
Post # 14
I can only really recommend this book – http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Without-Sustainable-Intimate-Relationships/dp/1880789086/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1398371857&sr=8-7&keywords=polyamory – which I’ve heard many good things about over the years. No personal experience. Just wanted to offer you all a thumbs up and hope for continued success in your relationships, though.
Post # 15
I will continue to add to the posters that don’t really have any experience but would like to be supportive! I think it’s very cool that you and your husband found a couple that works for both of you.
My only real advice is to keep talking and keep being honest.
Are you looking for ways to strengthen this new relationship? Are you considering living together? Are kids on anyone’s horizon? What’s the relationship like between you and the other girl or between the guys?