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I am with you! My FI has married previously and I have had the same fears.
FI was married to a horrible person, who in some ways, I feel really bad for because her life is really terrible, some her doing, some just plain bad luck. They have since gotten divorced and she is relatively out of our lives. I thank numerous higher powers each day that there were not children as a product of the marriage as that just adds a whole new level of complication.
My major consoliation is that no one liked her. She refused to meet his family, except his mother because she was a witness at their civil ceremony at the courthouse. There are no photos, happy memories or anything else to tarnish our union or be compared to.
Despite this, I still worry people will make comparisons or joke about it being his second marriage. Not in a nasty way, but I can only imagine the sting of the words.
When I get down about this, I talk to FI. He is really understanding about how sometimes it just gets to me and will gladly reassure me that nothing is the same, that he never for a moment felt the way he feels about me about "her" and the people that matter are over the moon about us. Yes people will talk, but I have quickly realized, a wedding gives people something to talk about and it is not always nice. If it isn't that your FI has been married before, it will be the cake or who brought whom as their date or your venue or the amount (or lack of) that was spent on your big day. Talk to your FI and I am sure he will remind you WHY he is marrying YOU.
Also, if you need more moral support from people who are going through this (or numerous other) situations, there is a WB board, under wedding related called "Encore". I stalk that board a lot. It is a goldmine of information!
Best of luck!
I am having simular problems, FI was married before at the courthouse and it lasted less then a year, but unfortunately they have a som together, so FI wants his son to be at the wedding so I have to invite her. This actually scares me because not only will my family be upset and surely talk about it but how akward will it be having his ex-wife their??And what if she want to be a B* and try to ruin the wedding? I feel for all the girls marrying an divorced FI!
And as mrsflahertytobe said, you have to remember ppl are gossips and will talk about anything! And your FI loves you and wouldnt be marrying you if not!
Yep, I went through this. DH married a girl he dated for several years. they were married for a few when they divorced. I was apprehensive about the fact they were together for so long. I think ppl kind of liked her. But I was also told she wanted a "wedding not a marriage". (That she was anxious b/c her little sister was getting married before her, etc.) I guess there were a few other issues too.
I hated not being DH's first wife. And yes at our wedding, while the videographer was going around to the tables, my SIL basically stumbled and almost said "Congratulations (DH) and (ex)" rather than to DH and me.
About the family and wedding, my family was fine. I invited all those I had always planned on. DH however, did not invited everyone. I still (all these years later), feel kind of awkward not having invited some of the family (cousins etc.) to the wedding, that I now see on holidays. But he felt awkward inviting ppl to a second wedding...(feeling obligated to give more gifts.) I get that. It's not personal.
Years later though, the first marriage is a non issue. (Although at first I would find my self marking off moments that exceeded his last marriage. ie. We've officially been married longer, or together longer.) We never see her. I've never met her. And DH and I do have kids...(Ahhh, something else he and his ex-wife never did.)
I also like to joke that the first go around was his "practice wedding/marriage." Honestly, I think he learned a lot from it. And it makes our marriage easier.
Good luck.
I am an encore bride marrying an encore groom and none of our families are comparing our wedding to our previous weddings.
I think there'd be a great response here from fellow encore brides and brides with encore grooms!
My FI and I both had huge first weddings..but it was not to the right person and now we're having an elegant affair for a reception and an intimate destination wedding. Perfect for us!
Don't worry. It feels as thought we are both marrying for the first time and so will your FI. He feels like you're the only woman in the world to him! (well maybe besides his mom :) )
I agree with Tanya. FI has made the most out of a bad situation. I do try to spin it in a positive light. He learned a lot from being married. He learned what he needs from a partner (because he wasn't getting it), how to communicate better, and often times most important to me, what makes a solid union. He values our relationship so much more and see how fabulous it really is because he has such a terrible previous marriage to compare it to.
I'm going thru the same...It's my frist wedding and it's my fiances 2nd wedding. I'm 23 and he is 31. He was married to her for 7 years! Ahhh. I don't feel that weird about it, just sometimes. But I will still do everything I want at my wedding...regardless of what his family sees.
Thanks Ladies for all of your support and advice! OK, so you will have to enlighten me as I am new to weddingbee.com...is the "encore" board for people who have been married before? Or for people who are marrying people that have been married before? Or for both?
Oh and on a side note--NO ONE liked my fiance's ex wife. So one of people's favorite past times, especially when we first met, was telling me how much better I am than her. I know they were trying to flatter me and make me happy, but honestly, that got old FAST. I don't think it's appropriate to bring up the past...so...my fiance and I have made that clear to friends and family, but sometimes people still slip....and the other day when my fiance's made that "here we go again" comment, I almost lost it! And the worst part is, I can't vent to my fiance...he is very protective of his mother, so any complaints about her behavior would NOT go over well....
PS--meant to say that it was my fiance's MOM who made the "here we go again" comment. UGH
The encore board is for both brides who are remarrying again and for brides who are marrying whose partner has been married previously.
So sorry FMIL made that slip and she prob didn't mean it. I'd let it slide since she seems like she's being really sweet otherwise! Involve her and I'd bet she will be thrilled :)
Btw, welcome to Weddingbee!
I am with Bellenga. I am a 2nd wedding bride and my FI 1st. I am having the "do I have to do this again" issues because I do not like being the center of attention. My FMIL is fabulous. My FI is the baby of the family and they are all ready to the BIG wedding and reception because that is what the "baby" wants. I had a very small wedding the 1st time and I was divorced 22 months later. At first the FIL had problems with me previously being married, but now that we are in the end stages of planning and getting ready to commit to each other, the entire family is on board and my FMIL and FSIL are actually the ones hosting my bridal shower because my MOH and BM live out of state.
I do not think anyone will compare my 1st wedding to my wedding to my FI for several reasons. 1st those that will have been at both know the reasons I am no longer with my EX. 2nd, we picked a completely different location, color pallet, and decorations. 3rd, this day is about celebrating mine and my FI love for each other and Everyone who knows us swears we should have started dating 8 years ago when we met, not just 3 years ago.
All of that said... Put your fears aside and Enjoy your day, your new husband and your love and don't worry about the past. You can't go back in time and change it.
@bellenga...do you think that things would have been harder for you to take in if you hadn't been married before? My fiance mentioned when we first met that he was originally looking for girls that had been married before, but thought I was too damn cute to pass up:) But...I have to say...I am not saying I would have been better off--but ALOT of our problems have stemmed from him being married before. I hate knowing that I'm going to be his SECOND wife. It's so hard for me to handle and deal with. I think I need therapy, hahahaha.
Boy, a lot of familiar stories.
My FI, now 34, married his high school sweetheart when they were 20/21. By all acounts she was a nice girl who just got into serious trouble. FI was traveling a ton for work, she started hanging out with a bad crowd of rich kids, and she developed a heroin problem. Wiped out their small savings and then slept with her play boy dealer. Sad story. Now she is cleaned up and a suburban mom of three.
So, against this back drop is my first wedding, his second. I honestly haven't had problems because (1) I think the bride is judged more harshly than the groom on this (unfairly, but it is true), and (2) they didn't have a big wedding. On top of that, we aren't having the traditional hotel ballroom, dinner and dancing affair. We're going for something quirky and casual chic. I think I might get some harshness if I were having a bigger, more traditional affair.
My fiance was married for 11 years. They are both nice, normal, professional people who just didn't fit well together. I don't think his previous marriage is having any kind of effect on our wedding. I am truly having my dream wedding- We are eloping to Thailand and then my parents are having a big reception when we get back home.
Hi bees!
I too am in a similar situation.. I am 29 and never been married and my soon to be hubby is 33 and divorced. He too, married someone he had been with for 10 years and then the marriage only lasted a couple of years due to her "stepping out" on the marriage..... All that aside...
My fiance and I are both simple people and knew from day one we'd be footing the bill.. though we both have great jobs, we knew what an expense it can come to be. My fiance wanted to elope or do something small in the back yard with immediate family.. and for a split second i almost allowed it.. BUT as cliche' as it may sound don't most of us dream of walking down the aisle, having our best friends stand up with us, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, pretty dresses, and just having a reason to join our family and friends together.. OF COURSE! Despite what my fiance wanted, we are doing the big "hooplah" of a wedding. Though he and his family have been through this before they are supportive in the fact that i have not.... and GOD willing this will be my only wedding to have and to remember and they've been ever so gracious to put their own feelings aside for mine.
In the end as bad as it may sound... it really is a day for you! All our men want is to just be married to us women they love and if they knew they could get us to agree to something below the radar i'm sure they'd all jump on it! (mine anyway!) But the fact of the matter is, if you gave in to what everyone else felt... how much would you regret? Yes, you would still be with the man you love and that is extremely special in itself... but the memories that us women tend to look back on would not be there.... Hard decision to make and i feel for you.. but i wish you the best and i do believe in time you will find yourself with a support system around you and planning the wedding you always wanted!
This is my fiances 2nd wedding too., This is my first. It felt at first that i needed to sacrafice the wedding of my dreams because he has been married before but when i looked deep down I realized that wedding are basically for the woman anyway. My fiances mother has been very supportive so im not in the same boat as you. If I were in that situation and she had said that too me, I most likely wouldnt have her there when I go dress shopping. My fiance's brother is kind of acting like oh great not again/do i have to ect. My fiance is the one who talked to him on how rude that is and everything has been great since. Good luck and remember this wedding is for you more then the guy.
good luck
My fiance has been married once as well. He is 30 and I'm 29. He married a girl that was his high school sweetheart and got divorced literally two months later for a LOT of reasons. A first, I had the same thing happen when we got together, everyone wanted to tell me what they didn't like about her. That subsided for a while but still comes up now and then...
It frustrates me sometimes, but overall after 4 years together I've learned how to let it go. This is OUR wedding, our marriage, and I'm blessed in many ways that it didn't work out with them because their breakup ave me my life with him.
I do worry a lot that our wedding will be compared, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that the comparisons will end when our marriage is successful, we grow together, and we have children. No one in ten years is going to say "well, it's great that you are such a happy couple, but your wedding wasn't a good as the first one"
Try not to get too caught up on it! :)
My second wedding, his 3rd. His first was in his backyard, his second was an over the top 300 people, best hotel in town type wedding. My first was a Disney destination wedding. So we've had all kinds - my first was my exs second and I was in the same boat...I would have loved to have the type of wedding my fiancee had for his second - but we're older now and much more practical and want something really meaningful. Dont get me wrong - we are doing exactly what we want - no regrets this time. No one will compare, and in most cases no one will care at all. This time, we're getting married in our church (first for either of us) and lots of other things the 3 other weddings didn't have. Trust me, I'm not bullish thinking we're so great together that we're not doomed. I just know that we've done a lot of things differently and know that we're going to work really hard at this one. Do exactly what you want - it's YOUR wedding!
My first wedding, his second... he was married for 20 years (he's 51, I'm 31). The ex and I get along fine... she's a bit of a ditz, and I hate the fact she hurt him, but she's nice enough.
Something neat... he said the other day the whole wedding process is a lot more fun this time around... it's very 'us'.
My FI is a 34 year old divorced father. His son is five years old. I am a 29 year old (greek too) who is getting married for the first time. I don't think you have to worry about wedding comparisons. And I think you deserve your big fat Greek wedding.
In this day and age, we all have baggage. in our situations, we happen to have divorced Fis. However, that does not take away from our right to have the wedding we have always dreamed of. I don't think your FI would want you to feel that you can't have your wedding just because he was married before.
Now if it's a cultural thing, Greeks can be hard. But ultimately, the most important thing is to do what makes you happy and what feels right. Unfortunately, there is always someone miserable that will criticize something, so you might as well do what you want.
@miss terry: If you do not have a good relationship with the mother of your FI's son, DO NOT invite her. Remember, your wedding is about you and your FI, and you should only have people there that want the best for you. Just because your want his son to be in the wedding, that does not justify an invite for her. Does he never spend time with his son without his ex-wife? If so, why would this be any different?
This is my FI's second wedding. He's 28 and I'm 31. He was married for less than a year before they separated and divorced. She was older than him by a few years (even more than me) and wasn't well received by the family. From my interactions with her (she made my life a living hell for a year) I can see why they may have been standoffish.
It did worry me for awhile. So much so I didn't tell many people. Most assumed because of our ages it was the first for both of us. I found comfort in the fact that we've known each other for twelve years (we met and built a friendship well before he met his ex) and that he was everything that I ever asked for.
Many of these situations are very familar to me. My FI was married for about 7 years to his high school sweetheart and even had two children. Things went south when she cheated one too many times. I've often wondered if he'd ever want to go back with her. Things can get really complicated sometimes since there are children involved. The ex is the type that has slept with many men and just can't settle down. She did become close with the FI family, so she comes around once in awhile. This doesn't make me or even my FI happy. The children are in the wedding but there is no way I'd invite her. The children will be staying with us and his parents since the wedding is in a different state. We've made a lot of progress with this but I know we have many more struggles in the future. My fiance is very happy about our wedding and has compared it to his past just between the two of us. I want to make sure we do nothing that will remind people about his first wedding. I'm sure people will compare, but I don't care. I know I'll have the wedding we want and more importantly, I have him now!
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Just curious if there are any other girls going through what I am going through right now. I am 28 years old, getting married for my first time, and my hubby-to-be (who is 31) has already been married and divorced. He basically married his college sweetheart and it turned out to be a disaster--lasted less than a year.
Anyways, I am Greek--and I have always wanted a big fat Greek wedding, but I feel a little apprehensive because to be honest--I am a little afraid of what people will think, since afterall, this is my fiance's 2nd wedding.
Am I setting myself up to get upset? I can just see it now...people comparing our wedding to his previous wedding--by mistake of course...but sometimes people slip. And I can tell his Mother isn't all excited about all of this either. She actually slipped and made a comment to me, "ugh, I need to do this all over again" when I mentioned dress shopping with her for her dress--and then when she realized what she had said, she quickly apologized. But that still stung. My fiance tried to explain to me that it's not personal and that she loves me and just hates "big hooplahs" but...I don't know...
If anyone has any advice or is going through the same thing, please respond!!