Anyone not talk to your parents? —short survey!

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I read your other thread and I think you’re too in the thick of things to really make a decision right now about communication. Take some time, take care of yourself, and once you’ve had some distance you can reassess. 


That said,

I’m 27. I don’t speak to my dad because he’s an off- and on-again drug addict. I could handle the drugs but his personality is a textbook addict: selfish, manipulative, irresponsible. I stopped talking to him when I was 10. I was in contact with him off and on during college, and for a few years after college. I saw him again at my wedding 2 weeks ago. Do I have regrets? Of course. Cutting off someone you care about sucks. I regret that I don’t have a better father. I regret that I’ll never have that relationship. I regret that he doesn’t understand why I don’t talk to him, and so he’ll never stop acting like an asshole and we both feel like victims. He sends me manipulative letters and calls me crying, and they work. I start to think that I’m in the wrong somehow. I would never recommend cutting off contact as a way to punish someone, but only as a way to take care of your own mental health. 

Post # 4
6958 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@RedRose1979:  I read your other threads, too and agree with @likewoah. Take some time to breathe and try not to think about your mom & her craziness. You need some space and shouldn’t be making life-changing decisions right now. 

Post # 5
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@RedRose1979:  I’m nearly 26 and I have an incredibly close family. I love my parents. However, they treat me with respect and love me back. I do not believe that being family gives you an all access pass to be an asshole. You can’t treat people you are supposed to love like shit. My husband and I have cut off family members in the past and have no regrets about it. Life is easier and drama free. People need to earn a place in my life, they don’t get it just by being related to me.

Post # 6
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

I didn’t speak to may parents for nearly 2 years. I moved home after I finished my Masters. They would get mad when I would see my bf (now FI) and spend the weekends with him. I wasn’t “allowed” go out unless I had a friend pick me up or I’d walk (my car had been totaled after I hit a deer and my parents wouldn’t let me use their car). After 3 months I moved out and had to get the cops involved bc my mom wouldn’t let me in to grab my stuff. I was 24.

Right before FI and I got engaged, we had dinner with my parents and hashed things out. Time healed our issues. Everything is fine now. My parents love my FI and are crazy excited for the wedding. 

Post # 7
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Please state your age: 34

Reason you don’t speak to parents: I am not very close to my mother because she is in a religion that runs her life and I no longer agree with it.  Our belief system is so different we don’t have much in common.  She believes if I don’t straighten up I will be “destroyed at Armageddon” and she is almost forbidden to have communication with me.  She is going to my wedding and is feeling very torn about it.

(parents are divorced)

My father is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and years of abuse has arrested his development.  He is a brilliant man, geinus actually but he cannot relate on a human level.  I think he is also bipolar (explains the years of self medication) and it makes it difficult to have a concise conversation.  Mention medicine, chemistry, etc and he will talk for hours about it though.

I doubt he’ll be at my wedding.

How long since you last spoke?:  Mother – yesterday. Father – Two weeks ago

Do you regret anything? No


Post # 8
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am in my mid-30’s and have not spoken to my father since May.  I have only gone this long without speaking to him one other time in my life, which was a few years back.  Of course, he made me feel guilty and then I started talking to him again.  Not this time, not after he left a voicemail a few weeks ago calling my mother and I names, then began crying saying “all I want to do is talk to you… I don’t know how much longer I have to live”  Wah wah, I’ve heard it all before, buckaroo.  Not working this time.


The issue is, he had/has an addiction that was partly the cause for his divorce from my mother, and to this day he is a user and everything is other people’s faults.  He has asked me for money numerous times, and has also threatened suicide when I call him out on his douchiness.  He also has a load of medical problems and expects others to take care of him when he will ignore directions from drs and essentially ignore his own health.  Then, when something goes wrong it’s “omg I’m going to DIE” O_o


Basically he’s never ever done anything wrong and his life is the way it is now because other people suck. 


I regret my father is clueless.  I regret that I’ll never have a normal relationship with him.  I am thankful that I have a FI who loves me and supports me and never makes me feel bad about myself (unlike my father).  Ugh.  UGH.




Post # 9
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Please state your age: 26

Reason you don’t speak to parents: He’s a flake, sometimes drug addict and all are doucher.

How long since you last spoke?:  3 years, he visited when my son was born. Asked to barrow money for a gift for us. Yeah.

Do you regret anything? No.

ETA: I barely even consider him a parent, he didn’t raise, my parents were never together.
My mother and grandmother both died last year and he didn’t even call.


Post # 10
2184 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

Please state your age: 27

Reason you don’t speak to parents: I don’t speak to my mother because she is toxic. She is controlling and manipulative and unsupportive. Having a relationship with her was far too much work.

How long since you last spoke?: 2.5 years. She “surprised” us 2.5 years ago with a visit that ended in her screaming at me in a restaurant. Before that, it had been a year. It’s been on and off, mostly off, since I was 16. 

Do you regret anything?: Not at all. She wasn’t invited to my wedding, and I didn’t tell her I’m pregnant. She’s not included in these life events because to be a mom is different from birthing me. She did fail as a mom. 






Post # 11
47 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

Please state your age: 26

Reason you don’t speak to parents: I don’t speak to my dad because he’s very narcissistic and only truly cares about himself. I’m the oldest of 4 kids and my dad was never home when we were little – we found out later that yes, he was working BUT he was also cheating on my mom constantly for about 20 years. When they got divorced he was pissed because now he had to put effort into our relationships. He would control us with money and make us feel guilty about everything. He would constantly go on bachelor-like vacations to Las Vegas, Miami and Atlantic City and spend thousands of dollars on himself but put all of my siblings through hell when it came to him helping us pay for college. He only likes to contribute money to things other people will see. He’d rather buy me a Coach bag than a semester of school. He’s also done a lot of other things that I don’t have time to write now. 

How long since you last spoke?: I cut him off right after my honeymoon in August 2012. He gave me pure hell over my wedding and his family treated me and my husband like trash. 

Do you regret anything?: I regret that he’s so selfish but nothing that I’ve had to do. 


Post # 12
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID



Please state your age: I’m 22 years old. I’ll be 23 in December. 


Reason you don’t speak to parents: There’s no way I could post the whole story here. Basically, my mom has been an alcoholic since I was around 5 or so (my parents split when I was 3). She’s been in her fair share of trouble (alcoholic, no steady jobs, bad boyfriends, etc.), and we just always but heads. I lived with her for a little less than two years when I was transitioning from middle school to high school. She was always out at the bar drinking and was always drunk when she came home around 1am. If she wasn’t drinking, she was sick because she didn’t have alcohol in her system. I didn’t like being around someone that was always drunk, so I ended up staying in my room 99% of the time. I developed really bad depression, and I also developed an attitude because I got tired of putting up with her. My dad raised me to have respect for my elders, and for the first year of living with my mom I always respected her and felt bad for wanting to stick up for myself. Eventually, I just began sticking up for myself. She’s done some things that I’ll never forget. When I was younger (around 8th grade), she brought me to a bar and then wanted to drive home drunk. I told the bartender to call a cab, and I hid the keys from my mom. She grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to her car. In the cab home she cried and told me she was sorry. She came home one day and sold my saxophone without telling me. I only found out because I came home from school to practice and it wasn’t there. Eventually she moved to NC, and once I went to go visit her for Christmas/New Years. We went out for NYE, and I knew she’d be drinking. I was 15 so I had my permit. I told her I’d drove home since I knew she’d be drinking, and she lived up in the mountains on dangerous roads. She agreed that I would drive home. Once the time came to leave, it was raining, and she wouldn’t let me drive. She was flying through the roads in the mountains, and I was crying because I was genuinely scared. I asked her to slow down and she slammed her brakes and stopped in the middle of the road, asking if that was slow enough for me. When we got home, I told her that I didn’t even want to go up there, but my dad made me. She told me to “pack my f***ing bags and go home”. The next morning she didn’t remember anything. When I called her on my 18th birthday to tell her I got into my first choice college, she said “…. but that’s not [insert the college she wanted me to go to here]. Can you get into medical school if you go there?”. I didn’t even want to go to medical school. She wouldn’t talk to me when I decided to not get a science degree. She’s borrowed money from me and never paid me back. One year I bought my own Christmas present from her. I could go on and on. 


How long since you last spoke?: It comes in waves. I think the last time I spoke to her was a couple of weeks before Father’s Day (end of June). Before that the last time I heard from her was Christmas, and before that, it had been about 2 years. 


Do you regret anything?: Regret isn’t the right word. Not for my situation, at least, seeing as I really didn’t do anything wrong. I used to sit in my room and crying when I was younger, wondering what I did wrong. Why she didn’t love me, why she didn’t want to talk to me, etc. I do regret that I wasted time doing that. However, I don’t think I have anything to regret. I will say, I am still affected by it. On a day to day basis, I try not to think about it, but I know it still affects me deep down. I only know this because when I think about her in a way other than a passing thought, I get very emotional. I have a lot of mixed emotions about the entire situation. I feel as though I don’t want to talk to her. Why should I? In my mind, she doesn’t deserve it. She hasn’t been a mother to me, or even a loving person. I think I have every right not to talk to her, and to not allow her in my life. I’m mad. I’m not really sure at what, I just know that I’m mad. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m annoyed, I’m hurt. On the other hand, she’s my mom, and I love her. I hate her, but I love her. I feel bad for not letting her in, and not talking to her, and being so cold to her when she speaks to me. But it’s always the same situation with her. She never reaches out to me unless she needs money. And I always get sucked in because she makes me feel guilty about it. It’s just a long-winded, on going thing. I feel sad for her. She could have had a great life. She had so much potential, and she just wasted it. and not to toot my own horn, but she missed the opportunity to watch a damn good kid grow up. I’m damn proud of who I’ve become, and I can say with confidence that she didn’t have anything to do with this. Not in the way she probably wanted to, at least. What makes me the most upset is… I’m terrified to have children because I’m afraid I’ll turn out just like her. 



 That being said, I speak to my dad everyday. He’s my best friend and I would not be who I am without him. He’s raised me by himself (no girlfriend, wife, etc.) since I was 4 years old, and I am grateful for that every day. He gave up every thing, and I know he’d do it all again if he had to. I owe him every thing, and I’m just happy to have a dad like him. If I had to redo my life all over again, on my own terms, I’d choose him and our relationship over two parents any day of the week. 


Phew… Sorry this was so long! That was kind of therapeutic. Time to shove her to the back of my mind and emotions again. 🙂 


Post # 13
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@likewoah:  +1 Coming from a similar situation, there’s no doubt in my mind that you made the right choice, and you should never doubt yourself for a second. 

Post # 14
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Please state your age: 25

Reason you don’t speak to parents: My dad sexually abused me for 6 years and was an alcoholic. I think that’s an incredibly good reason. Especially since I have a lifetime no contact order with him.

How long since you last spoke?: 8 years.

Do you regret anything? Not throwing his ass in jail and getting the fuck out of that house sooner.

ETA: I have a very arms-length relationship with my mom, who fell into a deep depression when my dad started drinking which is why my dad turned to me to abuse. She ignored the abuse. She kicked me out of the house when I was 20. She lets religion rule her life but is the most bigoted, spiteful, hypocritical person I know. She is a terrible mother. But she is still my mother and now that I’m on my own and getting married, she is starting to make more of an effort. Still, lots of not forgiven hurt there. So we aren’t buddies. I did call her today, though, to tell her I saw an old neighbor at school, lol.

Post # 15
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Please state your age:  32

Reason you don’t speak to parents:  They made it clear that I was a huge disappointment to them over the course of my childhood/teenage years and that they didn’t care about me.  My father is an alcoholic and will still drunk dial me and leave messages on my voicemail about how awful I am.

How long since you last spoke?:  We’ve spoken a few times in the past five years, prior to that, we spoke maybe a couple times a year from the time I turned 20 or 21.

Do you regret anything?”  No.  I don’t need to constantly be reminded of how horrible I am.

Post # 16
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CARA1978:  My father was in the same cult-type religion which somehow twisted him into believing that he should not speak to his own flesh and blood because they weren’t in the fellowship. I think he didn’t speak to me from age 10 to 20 something.

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