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I don't know how to write this without coming across as a whiney, money-grabby bride. But for a wedding that is costing us over $200 per person I am rather shocked and hurt by the gifts we have been receiving from our registry. I just received a registry gift worth $50 from a couple! Other gifts I have received have been below $100. I was pressured into registering and am now sorry I did. I am afraid I will go into my wedding day feeling hurt and slighted and stressed about money!
I understand that it is an out of town wedding...but we didn't have an engagement party, bridal shower or anything requiring anyone to have given us any money or gifts previously!
I had been warned that people will give us a lot less than we expect. But really I am hurt and shocked. I would never think of going to a wedding and giving someone a $50 gift! At least not in New York. I don't know how to not feel bitter and resentful about the whole thing..
Anyone else feel similiarly? Wanna call me a whiney, money-grabber????
With the economy being the way it is, perhaps it's possible more of your guests are struggling and unable to give the kind of gifts normally expected in your area of the country. Where I live, $50-$100 per couple is pretty standard. We had some people give more, and some people give less, but I know most people gave what they could afford. Do not let it ruin your day for you. Remember that everybody's coming together on one day to celebrate you two as a couple. On that day, gifts are not going to be on your mind!
I wouldn't call you a whiney money grabber, but.....if you are "stressed about money" as it relates to how much of your wedding costs you're going to recoup from the expense of the wedding, then perhaps you planned a wedding beyond your budget? (please don't hate me for saying that.) It's difficult not to look at dollars and cents (and checking your online bank account three times a day) but recovering costs should not be the priority. Also, you can't exactly fault your guests for buying you gifts that you registered for. A lot of people are really tight on money right now and for some, it may have cost them almost all of their disposable income just to be AT the wedding (gas/airfare for your out of town wedding, attire, possibly time off from work, babysitter for kids, etc etc). Put it this way, at least they got you a gift with hopefully a nice card.
Half of our guests are flying to our wedding, and to the horror of my mom and FMI, I told them I was NOT going to register since we have everything we need and also because we knew we were already asking ALOT of them to even come out. Mom and FMI said I had to register otherwise people would give money (which we do NOT want them to do) so I went to macys & sur la table and registered. Most things were $50 and under (mainly stuff we go through on a regular basis-scented candles, towels, paring knives...etc) so that no one felt pressured to buy us a $300 KitchenAid!
About 1/3 of the guests (DH's friends) got us NOTHING, and we spent $175 pp. Try that for size.
Considering no one is obligated to get you a gift for your wedding, I'd say getting something worth $50-$100 is pretty generous. The main point of a wedding is not to get gifts (although that is a nice added bonus) but to celebrate your new marriage. People give gifts they deem appropriate, and it is no ones place to judge the monetary value of a gift. If you registered for something worth $50, how did you not expect to receive it from a guest? The money your guests spend on your wedding is money from THEIR paycheck that is not going to THEIR lives...be grateful for what you have received because I guarantee there are lots of other brides out there who are receiving much less.
I have gone to weddings and spent $50 on a gift from both DH and I :( Sometimes, finances are tight and it's all we've been able to afford. I always put the same thought and effort into what I think they will like. I would hate to think the couple feel hurt or offended by this - they didn't ask if I wanted them to spend $200 on my meal so I'm not sure why I should be expected to match it with my gift. I didn't expect that from any of our guests and I think you might need to work on getting over the hurt, because it will colour your feelings about your wedding and guests which would be sad. Most people will spend what they can afford, some will go above and beyond, and some will go below. It's not really up to us to pass judgement on that, as tempting as it might be. I was disappointed with the gift from my parents, not because of its monetary value (they gave us money for the wedding so I didn't expect a gift anyway) but because it was house stuff not on our registry which we will never use (a round table cloth when we'd always planned to get rid of our round dining table, which we now have). My mother doesn't believe in registries, but she provided a perfect example for why they're so great!
People aren't supposed to "pay" for the wedding by giving you gifts. It is your choice to spend whatever you are spending on your wedding to make it just right for you - your guests aren't asking you to spend this money on them. $50 is my usual amount for a wedding gift, particularly if I'm spending $300 for plane tickets, $200 for hotel (probably more in NY), $$ to eat meals out of town. Consider people's presence their gift, rather than something material. Enjoy that they are coming from all over the country to be with you. We're spending $20k on our wedding, but we figure we're spending it on ourselves so we can have the wedding we want.
i really dont agree with the premise that people should buy gifts that are at or exceeding how much it was to have you there. I mean seriously? Because someone had a lavish wedding doesnt mean I can pay for an over the top gift. I'm not trying to attack you, but just remember people are traveling, which is not cheap, and they are there because they love you.. try not to think about the gifts' value.
that being said, i have never exceeded $75 on a wedding gift, and I hope my guests don't go over $50.. we don't need it. We just want a nice day to celebrate our love.
I agree with the previous posters. We aren't even registering for anything. If our guests want to out of the goodness of their hearts bring us a gift that is fine, but we would much rather have them attend our wedding and enjoy their presence than to have them purchase a gift above and beyond what they are going to have to pay to attend or go into debt over it. When you have a party at your home, you don't expect people to bring a gift and you spend money to have the party, so why, in my opinion, should a wedding be any different. They are there to share in the joining of a couple; not to pay for their wedding.
I just received a $75 gift split 4 ways - my wedding is about $50/person. And this was from FI's family. They did give a $50 Bridal Shower gift.....
A good friend of mine got married two years ago in NY. The wedding was very elegant (her husband is a pharmacist and she has a good job too). She said that the average gift was around $50 (per couple). Like you, I was really surprised to hear this.
I haven't been sad about any of the gifts we have gotten, however I was a little bummed after the shower that my parents, didn't get us anything and fi's parents didn't get us anything, but she was overheard telling someone that as a shower/wedding gift she was going to put $300 towards our honeymoon, when for his sisters wedding they paid about 12k and two years ago for his younger brothers wedding his parents paid 13k for the whole wedding! I was also kind of bummed that the best man of our wedding didn't show up to the shower and never even sent a card. I feel like the gifts you get for your shower/wedding are ones that you have forever and tell stories about to your grandkids, so it's kinda sad to me that I won't be able to say to my kids when it's time for their weddings that this is what your grandparents got your dad and I for our wedding. No matter what it was, I won't even be able to say that they got us a card with a lovely note or anything.
I hate the 'cover your plate' rule, but I totally understand why you are upset. I was also shocked at the lack of presents we received for the wedding. The cheapest things on our registry were swiped up first which absolutely shocked me, I thought they woudl be last. IDK, as a wedding guest I'd rather buy one big item than several small items, but we had guests get us one small item.. from a couple.
The thing that bugged me more than getting a small gift was getting no gift. Especially from people who we had bought generous gifts for at their wedding. And I don't think declining an invitation is an excuse not to buy a gift. I think it's in really poor taste.
We got great gifts, and honestly just made a registry because we were "forced" to by my in-laws. We didn't need anything, but it was nice to upgrade. We received mostly cheques, gift cards & cash; however we had 3 guests not bring a gift. I realize you don't have to, but to me, it's just bad etiquette. Even a $2 card is better than nothing at all. Interestingly enough, all 3 non-gift-givers were of the younger generation (20-25) so I think maybe sometimes, the younger generation doesn't understand the do's and don'ts... or maybe just didn't care.
With the economy the way that it is, I don't think that you should be expecting anyone to cover their plate at your wedding. You're saying that it's $200/person, so that would be $400/couple which is outrageous to me. I understand that you're upset, but you were also warned that this would happen. I think expecting to receive back what you paid for the wedding is a little unreasonable. I received some gifts that were under $50, but I knew that was all they could afford to give me and was still grateful for it. Some didn't give gifts at all...it happens.
I think gifts are the trickiest part of a wedding. I usually try to spend what I can without breaking the bank. I went to one of my best friends' weddings in July and was disappointed that I could only afford to give what I felt was a small amount. I am unemployed and wish that I could have afforded a gift that was proportional to how much I love her and her DH.
If I found out afterwards that she was talking smack in an online forum about my gift to her, which was as much as I could do at the time, I would be heartbroken. No one is obligated to give a gift, and there certainly isn't a minimum amount. A $50 gift should be accepted with the same grace and appreciation as $500.
From what I know, a guest usually gives a gift that will basically "cover" the cost of their dinner. Not the cost of the whole wedding (ie DJ, favors, fancy napkins etc). So while you may be spending $200 pp, their dinner might only cost $50 or less and around here, that's usually what people try to cover. Although many people will give much more than that and many will give less. I usually give around $50 for a wedding gift and sometimes the same amount for a shower gift so the couple ends up getting at least $100 from me in the end.
I'm seriously over all the "we didn't get the gifts we were expecting" posts.
Cherryblossom80 it's not just you (so you're not alone in feeling the way you do) - but I feel like there have been a ton of posts about disappointment in gifts and it's making me crazy.
Sorry if this is unpopular but:
A wedding is an event to celebrate your MARRIAGE that you are hosting or is being hosted for you because you want others to be there with you. The ONLY thing you should expect is to be married by the end of the day.
I think the problem comes from brides having high expectations because of what they would normally give at a wedding or because they know their guest list is well-off. Some people who are VERY well off are the crappiest gift givers.
I wish more people would go in with the expectation that the wedding is only a celebration of their marriage - then there's no way they can be disappointed - any gifts are just a bonus.
I don't think the OP was saying that she expected people to cover their plate or that she wanted to recoup her costs in gifts. She was just saying that she was surprised and a little disappointed in the gifts people purchased - which I can understand. I kind of felt the same way.
Don't get me wrong - my wedding was absolutely wonderful and I loved getting to see everyone. But some people were pretty skimpy on gifts. My DH and I always spend $100 as a couple on a gift when we attend a wedding (more if it is a really close friend). So we were really surprised at how little many people spent.
Examples - one of the groomsmen got us a $20 wine sleeve, a couple got us just a tape measure, numerous people/couples got us a single board game. I don't expect people to "cover their plate" or spend a fortune on us but these people/couples spent less than I spend on birthday gifts, less than I spent on thank you gifts for the shower hostesses, etc. It kind of makes me want to reconsider what DH ad I spend on other peoples' wedding gifts....
@camrie: I agree!
I dont understand why people (in general not the OP) have weddings that they shouldnt have really had and then get mad when people dont give them a "good enough" gift or dont cover their plate. Have you even looked at how many gifts you are supposed to have under $50 on the registry! That means most people spend less than $50.
$50-$100 a person/couple for the average guest list is a TON of money spent on new things. I do actually think your perspective is quite out of whack on what constitues a successful wedding. The average factory worker in Asia makes around $65-$85 a month. Try and remember that our standard of living is an insane luxury next time you start to feel badly about the amount of money spent on you for this occasion.
@camrie -- totally agree!
I feel badly that your initial reaction to your wedding gifts is to feel bitter and resentful (seriously...REALLY??). You selected gifts for yourself from your registry and your guests actually bought them for you, and you are upset they didn't buy even more? (again...REALLY?) your wedding day may be the most important day of your life, but it is not necessarily the same for your guests. Sorry to sound preachy, but you should really get over your shock and focus on the fact you have guests who are taking on the expense and time to travel and support you for your wedding day. That kind of love and support is priceless.
@camrie: @crayfish: <--- totally agree with you two and everyone with similiar comments.
I'm so gonna tick off a lot of people here, but this is MY opinion and how I feel about it. If it's blunt and offense, well, sorry, but it seems to be a good way to get points across.
A wedding isn't about GIFTS, if it was, you are doing the wedding for all the WRONG reasons. A wedding is supposed to be a gathering of family and friends celebrating the union of two people.
If you're wanting a "payback" in way of gifts, then in my opinion, you need to grow up and realize there's more to life than receiving something tangable. If I heard this from a couple that I gave a present to that was under $50, and not only that but ON YOUR REGISTRY, I'd be pretty pissed and be tempted to say to give it back. that is NOT how you treat family and friends who are taking a day, or more, out of their own lives to spend it with YOU. It's a choice.
We're actually REQUESTING for our friends to forgo gifts because they're going to be asked to pay at least $30 to rent a cabin. If we get gifts, fine. If not, WE DON'T CARE because that's not what it's about. Hell, we don't even care if we don't get presents from our familys and friends on birthdays and holidays. All we ask if for time with them. It's also the same from them towards us.
THAT is how it should be. Not moaning and being disappointed because someone didn't spend $100 plus on a gift.
didn't you ever hear: It's better to GIVE than to RECEIVE
I am in this boat too!!!! In my experience, when you know where the wedding is being held, it should give the guest a clue as to what type of event it's going to be. I attend about 5-10 weddings a year. I have a big family. Ours was a black tie event at an upscale hotel. Mind you, I wouldn't change a single thing about our wedding .. well perhaps drop some people from the guest list. We spent $250pp .. the dinner itself cost $100pp. We did get some nice gifts from family and friends. But the worst was from a few people from work. SIX people went in on a $200 gift off my registry!!! I was furious. It's hard not to bring it up. I really really want to say something especially since I see them daily. I'm pretty sure I will someday. These people were completely capable of spending at least $200 on a gift. Whatever, they're single and I will definitely return teh favor when they get married. Ha!
$100-200 on a gift? Who are you people? Must not have to worry about school loans, house payments, food, cars, kids, etc. Most people do not have that type of discrescenary spending money that they can spend that on every wedding. If you are like me I have 4-5 weddings a summer, that would be roughly $400! I don't have that type of fun money, plus maybe I would like to spend a little on myself. You people need to get over yourselves and please focus on what the day is about. Ugh, I have a bad taste in my mouth from this post.
@toothdr - People come from all sorts of financial backgrounds. I happen to live in an expensive city. I had an expensive wedding. People knew what kind of event the wedding would be. Around here, if you can't afford to at least pay for the dinner you've been invited to enjoy, you shouldn't bother coming. That's the general rule. Yes, it is a happy day about love. But it's also about saying .. thank you for inviting us and here's a little cushion for the trouble you went through. Pretty simple.
I feel like people need to get off their high horse, and lose the holy-er than thou attitude. The OP did not come off as bratty or spoiled, she was just expressing an honest opinion and people are flaming her.
Yes, the wedding is a celebration of your marriage and gifts are not the most important thing, at all. But let's be honest, most of us do think about it, and even more honestly, most of us probably have an idea in our head of what to expect.
I too will chime in about not expecting gifts, being chinese our culture is to give money however with my husband being scottish we decided to also register for those who were not comfortable giving cash.
We planned our wedding with no expectations of receiving a certain amount of money or gifts, if we did then great if not then no big deal.
We had the wedding that we wanted and spared no expense on the food and drinks because we wanted our friends and family to be well taken care of and we worked feverishly on doing things ourselves so that we could save on things that were really important.
The intention of our wedding was to celebrate it with our closest family and friends and to have a good time.
If you wanted to spend that kind of money then that is your choice but expecting your guests to give a gift worth a certain amount so you could recoup your cost is unrealistic.
I'm sorry that the gifts you received didn't live up to your expectations and if you looked at the point of your wedding in a different view then maybe you can let go of the anger and resentment.
The last thing you want is to have these kinds of negative feelings spoil memories of your wedding.....
@OttawaBride2011: I totally agree! I tried to say something similar earlier but you put it much better than I did.
I never give more than $50 for a wedding gift. I can't, I simply don't have the income. My mom usually gifts a $100 check but that is for an established couple with plenty of money. Weddings cost a lot to go to. We've spent well over $2000 going to six this year. The last one is costing us $1000 alone. I think it's a little insensitive to expect your guests to spend that much on your gift. People may have financial restraints. While you may be spending $200 per person, your guests are probably spending at least that much just to attend. Please remember that you are not inviting people for the gifts, you're inviting them to share in your day with you.
I totally get that the OP is upset b/c the money spent on the gifts that she received didn't meet her expectations. I can understand something not living up to your expectations.
However, I must say that it's just that...and EXPECTATION. Not an OBLIGATION. Be upset about it...but definitely don't make your guests feel bad about the gifts they DID get you. You never know what somebody's expenses really are looking in from the outside.
Weddings are events that are hosted. When you invite somebody to your house for dinner, do you expect them to cover the cost of their food? I mean a nice bottle of wine or a dessert to add to the dinner would be appreciated. But would you honestly enjoy their company or your dinner any less b/c they didn't show up bearing gifts?
Some of these comments are disturbing to read:
Declining an invitation is not an excuse not to give a gift? If you can't afford to cover dinner, you shouldn't bother coming? Damn! And here I thought weddings were about celebrating the union of two people with friends and loved ones...regardless of their income level. WOW...just wow...
@artichokey: There are few people who are going to argue that you as an individual giving $50 isn't a nice, generous wedding gift. From other threads, the norm from the Bees seems to be giving in the $100-$150 range as a couple (so $50-$75 from an individual).
But there is a huge difference between these numbers and getting a $20 gift from a groomsman (ie a really close friend), a $20 gift from a couple (ie $10 a person - I spend that much at a fast food restaurant for lunch), a $25 board game from couples / individuals, etc.
I'm embarrassed for you. These people are taking the time to come to your wedding because they obviously care about you and you're already planning on how you'll react to seeing them in relation to the gift they gave. Why did you register for anything in the $50 price range if you felt that was so beneath you?
I'm embarrassed for you. These people are taking the time to come to your wedding because they obviously care about you and you're already planning on how you'll react to seeing them in relation to the gift they gave. Why did you register for anything in the $50 price range if you felt that was so beneath you?
I think the OP gets the point. Let's end it, ladies. This isn't the K-n-o-t.
@jessicass: You may register for inexpensive things but that doesn't mean that you expect (or would be happy about) someone getting you ony a $4 plastic spatula just because you registered for it. When you register for small, inexpensive items, you figure that multiple of them will be combined together as a gift - not just bought and given individually.
@Mrs.KMM: I dont understand what the big deal is IMO $20 is an extra $20 I didnt have before so I would be pumped. If they are my BFF or not thats how much they feel comfertable giving who is anyone to judge.
We received a $100 gift that 16 people went in on! 16 people!
We also received many gifts that were $20. I understand that it is the recession though and many people can't afford to give lavish gifts.
I would be happy with a $50 gift from two people. That's pretty much the norm in my area. We spent over $300 per guest at my wedding and received many $40-$50 gifts.
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