(Closed) Anyone sad they won't be having children?

posted 5 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 3
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Kimberley25:  I was born when my mom was 38 and my dad was 59. 🙂

But at 49, you are right to be concerned about carrying a child. What about adoption? Foster care? Mentoring? Fresh Air Fund? There are SO many ways you can help take care of a child/have them in your life, with varying levels of commitment. Also, don’t knock the fur babies! We have no children yet, but we have a cat, and she has really brought us closer together, made us more responsible, etc. Animals need love and affection, too. Plus pet sitters are easier to find than babysitters when you wanna go on vacation!

Congrats on finding the love of your life! Enjoy!

Post # 4
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

Would you want to adopt?

Post # 5
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Kimberley25:  Have you thought about adoption?  I know it is different than having one of your own, but so many children and babies need homes.  Just a thought.

Post # 6
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Kimberley25:  Do either of you have any children from a previous relationship?

 I can relate a bit, about the longing to procreate with current DH. 

Im 42, DH is 46. He has two children and I have two. We have them, all four, FULL TIME, and having another baby is JUST LUDACRISS thought, in BOTH our minds! We have a 16, 13, and two 11 yr olds, and our household is beyond chaotic!!! But…..

there’s that “still small voice” inside me that would LOVE to bear his child. I think it’s just part of my deep-seated carnal instinct, brought alive again by my very deep love and emotion for HIM (Make me pregnant!) 

He’s shooting blanks and my target’s broke anyways!!!! Hahaha! 

But, yes, I think I understand how you may be feeling and thinking. 

Post # 7
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sometimes.  We didn’t meet until I was 37 and he was 40, and we got married the next year.  Now I’m 40 and he’s almost 43.  He really wants to have a child (at least he thinks he does) and I’ve always been on the fence.  We’re not doing anything to prevent it, but I have no idea if either of us has fertility problems.  He’s going to a urologist next month to get checked out.

I just love our life the way it is now.  We would be financially strapped if we had a child, and we would have to move to a bigger place, which we won’t be able to afford for at least another couple of years.  I have 3 nieces whom I adore – I feel like more of a 2nd mother to them than an aunt.  I just feel too old to have a child – the idea of being 60 at high school graduation?  Ugh.  Also, maybe this makes me sound shallow, but I could NOT handle a child with problems.  I know that autism particularly is more common in children of older parents, and I truly think it would be the death knell for our marriage.  

H romanticizes the idea of a child SO much – I think it’s more about carrying on his family name than actually raising a child.  He’s an only child, and his parents have both passed away.  He’s the last of his family left in the world, and I think he feels like it’s his responsibility to reproduce.

But he has NO idea what it’s like to raise a child.  I mean, neither do I really, but I have taken care of my nieces for long stretches of time since they were each born.  Sometimes it’s fun, but all the time it’s a lot of work and very little sleep.  I would be the primary caregiver because he makes so much more money than I do – I’d quit my job and stay home, which would drive me completely bonkers.  I’d have no adult interaction.  If I could be around my mom and sister it would be a completely different story, but they live 4 hours away.  None of my friends here have kids.  

I try to bring up all of these issues without sounding like I’m TOTALLY against having kids – I just really terrified of what it would do to our lives.  But he just has no clue and is like “babies are SOOOOOOOOOO cute!!!  Our baby would be awesome!”

Uh, obviously I had some feelings on this that I needed to vent!!!

Post # 8
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

I completely understand…except for the fact that I most likely can not have kids.  FI can and has 2 boys 9 and 11 and we have custody of my 14 year old niece. 

 

I have always wanted kids…but it isn’t in the cards for me.  We did however get approved for a foster care license in the dealings with my niece and fostering others might be a possiblity in the future, as of right now we have our hands full with one full time teenager, and the 2 boys 50% of the time.

 

I do know in some states (MI) you can’t adopt if your over 40.  I have NO clue why but that is the way they look at it here!!

Post # 9
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Would you consider adopting or foster care? If you have that want & love to be parents I’m sure there’s a child  out there who really needs it. 

Post # 10
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I know a woman who adopted a baby when she was in her 50s.  The girl is now 13, and has had a wonderful life with her adoptive family.

ETA: That over 40 thing in MI is a myth. 

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@oneofthesethings:  Why are you agreeing to stay home if you think it would drive you crazy, and isn’t what you want? Why are you agreeing to try to have a kid without trying to educate him on what life with a kid is really like? It just sounds like a recipe for resentment and marital discord.

We are trying to figure out whether children are the right decision for us (he is 36 this year, I will be 30). We still have plenty of time to decide, but I thought this thread would be helpful for letting me see people’s regrets or lack thereof if they didn’t have kids.

Post # 13
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@crayfish:  Well, it’s all pretty much a fiction at this point – I don’t think I’m probably able to get pregnant at my age, and if I am then I’ll consider it a blessing.

I’m agreeing to stay home because there’s no other way it could be.  He makes 5 times what I do, and money-wise day care would make no sense.  Besides, if I did have a child, I’d want to take on the responsibility of raising it, not leave that to others.

Believe me, I am trying to educate him on what life with a kid is like.  I have to be gentle and watch what I say, because I don’t want to try to talk him out of something that he has every right to want – I just don’t think he would want it if he knew what it entailed.  Does that make any sense?

It’s kind of a jumble even in my own mind.  Depending on your faith this may sound like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but I’m leaving it in God’s hands.  It will work out the way it’s supposed to work out.

Post # 14
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My hysterectomy made our decision for us. But, really, I don’t think we’d have another child. My son is 22 and independent, and FIs daughter is 20 and at university. So, we are empty nesters and I LOVE it! We have had three Caribbean vacations in two years and will be able to take full 14 days in Bora Bora and Moorea on our honeymoon. 

Post # 15
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t mean to be insensitive, but OH HELL NO. My FI has two adult children from his first marriage. So fortunately his baby itch was scratched when he was very young. We thought about it for about 5 minutes, but… paying for college when he’s 70? No thank you.

Post # 16
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I do know how you feel because you love your husband so deeply that you want to create a symbol of that love. 

We cant have children because we are older 48 and 49 and I am too damn tired of raising children.

In my family I have help raise 3 neices and 1 nephew and I gave birth to one child then adopted my biological niece when she was 2wks old she is now 19 in college to become a Vet. I did what I thought I should and my FI has one son and we just want to be selfish and do whatever we want.

I hope my daughters will wait for a little while longer because we want to travel and if they decide to have them we would have to put it on hold to be grandparents. We want to travel and just enjoy not having any responsiblity.

Just love your husband a little more than you did yesterday if there is such a thing…(smile). Make him your baby…you and I both know they love when we do that…(smile).

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