Post # 1
Has anyone with a rocky relationship with their MIL successfully repaired it or at least gotten somewhat past it? If so, how did you do it? I want to put the past behind us and try to move on, but I don’t know how.
For background, I’ve been with my FI for over six years and my FMIL still has not accepted me as part of his life. Before we were engaged, she pretty much ignored me. Like, couldn’t remember anything about me and changed the subject whenever I spoke, ignored me. Once we got engaged, she went from ignoring me to grilling me on everything about my life, including criticizing my parents for not forcing religion on me, lecturing me on how important it is to have god in your life (FI is not religious at all…), accusing me of getting a government bail out for participating in a loan forgiveness program for my student loans, and suggesting we don’t have a wedding because of my loans. Whenever I tried to share wedding things with her, she would suggest the opposite, then just shut down when she realized FI and I weren’t going to do things her way. She also keeps telling people how worried she is about “losing a son rather than gaining a daughter,” and even told my FI that she thinks I’m too controlling and once we’re married she’ll never see him again. The rest of his family likes me and has apologized on her behalf for the things she said, so I feel secure in that I haven’t done anything really horrible and it’s her own emotional issues at play.
Bottom line: she views me as the terrible woman taking away her baby boy, and now I resent her for how she’s treated me and the position she puts my FI in.
After some convincing, mostly thanks to my FSIL, my FI’s family agreed to come to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. Now that it’s getting closer, I’m having a ton of anxiety about it. I’m worried that she’ll criticize something about me or our wedding plans and then my parents are going to jump in and defend me, creating more bad blood. Or that all of the stress is going to ruin the holiday for everyone. Or that she’s gong to try to force FI to eat meat (he’s vegetarian, I’m vegan) because she has tried in the past. I also tend to hold a grudge (not my best quality…), so it’s almost like I’m looking for the bad in what she says and does because of our past. I want to learn how to forget about it, move on, and give her a chance to be in our lives.
If anyone has dealt with something like this, how? What is your advice? FI and I do plan on seeing a counselor to help us deal with the situation, but that’s not going to happen before Thanksgiving.
Post # 4
My FMIL and I had a rough patch when we moved in. He talked to her. He mentioned how everytime she said something to hurt me, it hurt him, because seeing me in pain was awful. He didn’t give her an ultimatum or threten to stop talking to her, just told her that her actions towards me hurt him.
She would never hurt her baby, so the comments stopped and she got on board. I think seeing how much her words hurt him was a wake up call to how serious he was about me.
Can you FI become your ally in the situation?
Post # 5
Also, for Thanksgiving. Can you warn your parents about her? Tell them not to engage in her BS and ignore any rude comments.
Post # 6
Also, for Thanksgiving. Can you warn your parents about her? Tell them not to engage in her BS and ignore any rude comments. She isn’t worth ruining a family event.
Post # 7
@TGold: I really feel for you… I have been there and am sooo glad that past is done. My situation wasn’t that similar to yours but it was uncomfortable and has gotten better and improving daily.
First off when I met FI I was 16 and he was 19… and she wasn’t comfortable with the fact that I was “underage” (age of consent is 16 in the Bahamas). Also he had a very close female friend that his mother loved and I think I never really had a chance because she felt that they would be great together.
Long story short that female friend got mad that my SO had interest in another female and the friendship ended messy. SO mother was always polite I must say even tho we all knew I wasn’t her first pick. I always “killed her with kindness” and reasoned with SO when he would be frustrated with her and they argue and he would be in the wrong. Since my mother and I have had a not so great realtionship to always told him that he’s lucky to have a mother that cares like that for you.
One day So and his mother had a nasty arguement over our relationship and basically SO told her everything how yes he had feelign in the past for the other girl but moved on and that after some stupid mistakes in his past that I forgaved him and we’ve moved on from them and that she should respect me more because I’m the right woman for him and have truly been there rather than the other girl. He aso told her what the old friend said to him and how little she thought about him, our relationship and a bunch of other stuff.
Things got better but was still uncomfortable. We both have been working on opening up. By time as FI proposed to me his mother had a respect and fondness for me and our relationship.
My advice is to see if your FI can sit down and really inform your mother why he with you and the fact that she needs to respect you as his future wife and future mother of her grandchildren(if you guys are having kids that is ). I feel that it may seem rude and make situations worse if you actually did the talking with how you say you MIL acts that how i see it going down if you did. Your FI and you are startign your own life and family talk to your FI and see what agreement you guy can come up with to sit down and have a heart to heart with your MIL.
It sucks I know I wish you the best and hope thign gets better and works out in the end.
Post # 8
@thenewmrsmax: Thanks for the advice! My FI is just terrible with confrontation and always says things in the worst possible way. I think if we went over a sort of script together so he could be prepared with the type of things he could say that might work.
Post # 9
Anyone else gone through something similar?