- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
So lately I've noticed that DH's facebook page has alot of activity from two of his ex-girlfriends. Now, I've always been a jealous person, but I've tried really hard to suppress my irritation everytime I see one of their comments because he says that he is just being nice. This has gone on for months (one of them he has chatted on and off with since before we were together, the other is a brand new addition who he hadn't spoken to in like, four years) and I'm kinda at my end point. I trust him and know that he has in no way cheated (that really isn't my fear or worry here), but it just irks me that they are both suddenly so interested in his life when just a few years ago they left him broken hearted. I've tried to tell him I'm not really comfortable with it, but he says I have nothing to worry about and that again, he's just being nice. Occassionally he will throw in that I have spoken to one of my ex's in the past few months, but I don't feel that it is the same as the consistent back and forth he has with these two (my ex didn't seem to get it in his head that I really had no need for his friendship anymore and would be the one doing the talking, I think he recently figured it out and stopped trying a few weeks before the wedding).
So does anyone else have this problem? Should I just bite my tongue and let him "be nice"??
Heck no. My ex's are not my facebook friends and IMO, there's really no need for it. We broke up. End of story. He's having consistent discussions? I'm not a fan of the idea. I'd mention that you think it's inappropriate. Why does he feel the need to chat with them anyways? If it bugs you, you shoudl say something and he should understand and respect that.
I agree that there is no need for him to be in consistent contact with the ex's, especially when you are obviously bothered by it. Of course, there are people who don't mind if their bf/fiance/spouse keeping in touch or stay as friends with their ex's, but this is not the case. Sure, he's just being nice to them, but he should be nicer to you, imo, knowing that it bothers you. An occasional greeting or what not to ex's on facebook is one thing, but the abundance of activity between them would annoy the heck out of me. To be honest, I'd prefer it if the ex's are not even on the friend list, but I have low tolerance with that kind of stuff. lol
GL!
My husband is good friend with one of his ex's whom he spent 3 years in high school with. When we met, he had lost contact with her. but later on, they started talking again. This doesn't bother me at all. When he got a contact from her, he asked me so many times if I'm ok with it and I said YES because the past is past and I just don't feel it is fare for me to tell him whom he can talk to and he can not. but this is just my case. He tells me pretty much anything and even when he talks to the ex, he tells me what they've talked and stuff. I know they are just friends now. She is even doing my hair at our wedding.(Even though we've been already married our wedding is in this September.)
but in your case, I think the important thing is that you are not comfortable with it. It doesn't matter if he is just being nice. His wife is not happy about it. This is THE problem. You should really be honest with him and I'm sure he will understand. He doesn't need to be nice to his ex's and hurt your feelings.
I hope you can work this out with him. Good Luck!!
Its tough...I can definitely be a jealous person but I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes. I am friends with an ex. We don't talk all of the time, but we definitely talk on msn or whatever and he's on my facebook...my FI has no problem with this and I have nothing to hide about it. Another ex is my facebook friend, but we don't really chat back and forther...He's left a message here or there, but nothing consistent. Granted I don't speak to anyone I dated that did not end amicably.
I guess all you can really do is ask why he needs to continue talkign with them and maybe ask him to cool it...I am personally not a fan of asking people to stop talking to others...without good reason...but definitely express you dislike for the situation.
Good luck!
The guy I was sort-of casually dating when I met my FH just added me on FB last week. I accepted, but talked to my FH about it and he was fine with it. FH knows that our "relationship" was very casual, I think he might have been more concerned if my ex (guy I dated for 4 years from HS into College) had added me.
I'm not against being FB friends with ex's but I would be concerned if there was a lot of communication. Honestly though, at least they are communicating via wall posts and not private messages.
If I were you, I'd tell him that you understand that he is just trying to be nice but that it bothers you and you'd appreciate it if he would gradually decrease the amount of communication. If he starts waiting a few days between responding to them, I think they'll get the hint.
You know, I've never stayed friends with any of my ex's. Luckily FI hasn't either.
I think this is a sticky situation. It could be that all these girls are seeking is his friendship, but if you are not comfortable with it, then I think you should definitely let him know that. I have a Facebook and a Myspace, but I try to mess with it as little as possible to avoid stuff like this. LOL However, I do have friends who eitehr have theri ex's on their friends lists or the SO's ex's because they share children and it is almost like high school all over again trying to purposely make them jealous.
I have to agree I see no real reason to keep a consistent contact. A"Hey how are you doing?" every now and then is fine, but if it is enough to bother you this much, then it is too much.
I don't have that problem anymore, at the beginning of our relationship that was happening but the ex turned out to be crazy anyway so my FI stopped that himself.
Did the one ex just recently find out he's married? Sometimes I think that brings out some weird interest from exes, like they're wondering if they missed out on something.
If it really upsets you that much, don't feel bad about it. Tell him the truth, at least ask him to tone it down a little bit.
Maybe I'm the oddball, but my fiance and I have both stayed friends with a number of our exes. Some of these exes have become friends for both of us, some the other can't stand and we do solo stuff as friends. I guess we're just not jealous people, but as long as he tells me about it and vice versa, I don't see the problem. To each his own, though.
I'm a pretty jealous person, though I try not to be, but my fiance is too so basically we just take each situation as it comes and deal with it that way. I doubt either of us would be okay with the other talking that much to an ex though.
I think you should talk to your husband about it because it does bother you. He may not even realize that what he is doing is bothersome and when he does understand the extent to which it does, act accordingly by not talking to them anymore or letting them know that he doesn't plan to talk to them as much anymore and that they should back off (which in my opinion if they are truly just trying to be friendly they will understand and back off, in my experience it's the exes who make a big deal about it and constantly try to be chatty and stuff despite being gently told to do otherwise are the ones in most need of being ignored).
Not the same situation, but when I first started dating my FI his ex wanted to hang out with him, would myspace message him, and lots of other things that made me uncomfortable. The new interest took place when his ex found out we were seriously dating, so like Shoe Queen suggested, it may have to do with some weird jealousy thing. Like you, I was not worried about him cheating, and like your husband, my FI was doing it to be nice (he felt bad about their messy break up). I told him how I felt and while he did not seem to think there was anything wrong with it, he came around to seeing that when it came to his ex's feelings being hurt or my feelings being hurt, that MY feelings were more important.
I don't think your husband needs to flat out tell his ex's that he can't talk to them again, but by gradually making himself less available (taking longer to respond, not initiating conversation, giving shorter replies), they will hopefully lose interest and get the hint that he is not an available friend! Good luck! Sometimes it's both a blessing and a burden to be with a nice guy, but I think the good outweighs the bad :)
Honestly, the biggest problem for me here would be if I told my husband that something bothered me and he didn't try to resolve the issue. Sometimes, for me, the hardest part is actually telling my husband what's bothering me in a way that he can understand the problem. I have a tendency to mention things without putting a lot of emphasis on it or really explaining my feelings; and if I don't express myself my husband doesn't know it's a big deal and just brushes it off.
Could you sit him down and say, "This is really important to me. I really need you to listen to my feelings so we can come up with a solution to this. It hurts my feelings/angers me/upsets me/etc... when you talk to these girls because of x, y, z." If he knows how much it really hurts your feelings, I would think he'd be more likely to end these friendships.
I suspect that these exes came crawling out of the woodwork because he's engaged. When someone gets engaged, it's natural to assess what could have been---from both sides of the fence. It's no coincidence that they've surfaced now.
I know you really want him to stop, but if you give him an ultimatum, what will you have accomplished? You will have either coerced him into the behavior that you want, or you will have driven his behavior underground. Neither option seems desireable. Say your piece, to let him know how you feel, but I don't think you need to beat it too hard because it's probably going to fix itself eventually. He'll get married and someone will lose interest. I hope you can come to a compromise where he can chat informally with them but not get carried away. You've seen it before right, in life or in movies? Banning someone from speaking or seeing someone else never works. :) You need to both respect each other's feelings here.
I'm sorry that you're feeling badly about the situation! Just to give you a different perspective (for what it's worth!). I have several ex-boyfriends that I am friends with on Facebook...sometimes they write on my wall, send me messages etc. and it is all completely innocent! Even if these guys may still have some kind of feelings for me, I have no feelings for them and make that entirely clear. So, my point is that it is entirely possible for people to have exes as friends...and that's where it ends. My FI isn't bothered at all by the fact that I talk to them once in a while....he knows that they are just friends, and that he has my heart. If he were bothered by it though....then I'm not sure what I would do about the situation...I would definitely try to find something that we would both feel comfortable with. On the other hand.....if this back and forth is happening every day....then that's a different story. I'm sure he wouldn't be okay with that....and honestly, neither would I! Just know that it's your lovely finger that he put that ring on....not theirs! Hopefully he'll respect your feelings, and you'll find a compromise that you're both okay with! Good luck lady! :)
im in the heck no camp with Ejs4y8 and Chealseamorning may onto the right thing, they are curious about the 'whatif's" but i still wouldnt be happy about it
Thanks for all the responses ladies! I haven't brought it up yet, as I'm trying to plan exactly how to approach the subject. I completely agree that one of them came out of the woodwork just because she noticed he was getting married and she suddenly feels the need to talk about old times. The other is a bit more complicated as it was a pretty serious relationship and they have a big history, but I figure I will just tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with the consistent exchanges and that I'd really like for him to leave the past in the past and try not to be so chatty. I'm not sure how he'll react, so we shall see.
Wow, I can't imagine my FI trying to limit my contact with an ex. My ex-husband and I have two children together. My FI met him on the way back to my house the first time we met. My FI was the one who suggested inviting him and his sister to our wedding. At the funeral of my ex's mother a month ago, my ex broke down, and I was the one to hold him until he could get it together.
Am I still carrying a torch for him? No. He is an ex for a reason. I already lived with him for 20 years, and know what it's like, so why would I want to do it again?
If your husband can be trusted, why should you care whom he is friends with? If anything, Facebook is quite public contact, not secret e-mails. And if he cannot be trusted, why would you want to be with him, whether or not he has exes on Facebook?
My advice would actually be the exact opposite. You could add the ex on Facebook, make a point of making whatever cordial comments you can manage, kill her with kindness. Taking the attitude of, "Any friend of my husband's is a friend of mine!" is a much stronger statement of the fact that you two are an irrevocable unit than sniping at his friendships out of insecurity.
I think our situations are quite different. They weren't married and do not have any kids together. They lived together for a year over 4 years ago and then they broke up on bad terms. I've never met her, and I don't think DH will ever try to introduce the two of us. She's slowly crept back into his life as a psuedo friend / acquaintance, and lately it is just a little too often for my comfort level. I do trust him...that is not the issue and I said that in my original post. I know he would never cheat on me. However, I do not know this girl. He may think that she has no ill intentions, but I have no reason to trust that she doesn't because I don't know anything about her other than what DH has told me (apparently she likes to hop from guy to guy and she probably cheated on him...sounds like a great gal right?). He's my husband now, and she should really try to focus on finding someone else to chat up on a daily basis. You say facebook is a public forum, but there are private messages that she has sent him (he told me). I just find it extremely odd that she wants to be back in his life at this juncture when they have no connection anymore, and I'm really not ok with that.
From what it sounds like...he's just being nice and there is nothing to worry about. Why make this into a bigger deal then it is? He tells you about the messages etc...obviously there is nothing going on. Just take your man and tell him you love him and focus on that.
I think different people are going to have to differing opinions on whether their interactions should bother you or not. But I'm not really sure it matters whether other people in other relationships find this kind of behavior hurtful or uncomfortable. It only matters that for you, this kind of interaction is not ok. Each relationship is unique, and what is a big deal in one marriage might not even be worth mentioning in another marriage. Hopefully you and your husband can sit down to really discuss the issue and come to some kind of compromise. Good luck! :)
My FI's ex invited us to her wedding (they were together throughout High School). I really don't care-she's friends with his parents and everything so it just isn't worth fighting about even if I did care. She's probably coming to our wedding.
Hmm, well I'm a pretty firm believer that exes are in the past. When I have tried to remain friends, it has been a disaster. I have one ex that I still am good friends with, but we were also friends before we dated and always had much more of a friendship than anything else. I am not really in touch w/ any other exes nor do I care to be.
My FI is in touch with one of his exes, he dated her 10+ years ago and says they aren't even the same people and it is just a long distance type friendship. He asked me last fall if I wanted to meet up with her for coffee and I say heyell no, why would I want to do that? Just weird for all involved. He respected that, I didn't put any suggestions out there as far as what he should do, because it is his decision, but he ended up not seeing her because other things came up. I don't really care that much, but I do think it is weird and don't care to put any effort in getting to know some woman my FI dated in college. I did have one ex boyfriend who stayed in touch with his ex and then ended up running off an dmoving across the country to be with her, so I am not exactly a FAN of situations like this! (also explains why I dont want to be friends with a guy like that, right!)
If it bothers you it is good to talk about it. Trust is important and comes from communication, and he should respect your feelings about it. Good luck!
I think this would definitely bug me My fiance had been out of touch with all his exes from the moment they broke up, and deleted his facebook after our wedding, so he has no mode of contact with them and I'm fine with that!
I'm still facebook friends with one ex, but we don't keep in touch. I think it's unnecessary and can be a temptation except in rare circumstances where a friendship has been established. If that's the case, I still think the ex needs ot be approved by the current spouse as a person that the couple can hang out with (never one on one).
This may sound repetitive but if you spoke to your FI about it, I'm sure he'd understand. Some people are okay with communications with ex's and some are not. It's really subjective.
There's a thing about weddings though - it makes everyone want to celebrate no matter how close you are to them or when you last spoke to that person. This guy I once was really close with (if you know what I mean) is engaged and to be married in December. I haven't spoken to him in years but hearing the great news about him made me reach out to him. We're planning to catch up over dinner. It's purely innocent.
I stayed friends with ex's but as long as you draw a line, I think it's fine. Especially if an ex was a huge part of your life, how can you just cut someoen out and forget those years? As long as it wasn't a messy breakup or anything of that sort, I think it's pretty normal to have friendships with ex's.
My FI still keeps in regular contact with an ex he dated for several years. Phone conversations, talking online... that sort of thing. She is married and he went to her wedding, and now he wants to invite her to ours. Am I crazy for not wanting her there? I mean, this is a girl who he at one point thought he wanted to marry!!! I don't worry that he has feelings for her, or that anything would ever happen between them, but I just don't like the idea!
I'm not really friends with any ex's (at lease not to the point where I'd call them to chat!) ...I guess I jsut want to be the only girl in his life!
I understand that you're uncomfortable, and he should listen to you and stop responding to them at least some of the time, but if you're sure he's not cheating and they're the ones always initiating conversation, then it doesn't sound like a big deal - sounds like a couple of girls maybe trying to stir up some trouble or just bored. Let them get bored of it and they'll stop.
My husband is best friends with his ex because they started a small company together 10 years ago and it's inevitable. She's an amazing successful woman and always genuinely kind to me. Plus she has her own boyfriend. I don't worry at all because this relationship has been an eye-opener for me; I think jealousy partly depends on how your partner acts, and I have never ever had someone prove to me like my husband has that a conversation with a girl is just a conversation and nothing more. My husband's job requires a ton of travel and he is sometimes away nights at a time, so there must be 100% trust on both sides for this to work.
haha. see the post "Mentioned again" under etiquette. I know how you feel...
I'm in the same boat. It's not as consistent, but it's his right-before-me ex, who was still actively trying to get him back, even nine months AFTER the engagement! What a crazzzzy. This post makes me confident that no, I'm not being demanding and yes, he needs to stop talking to her. I know he's just being nice because she's STILL (two years later) lonely and can't figure out how to move on. But I think staying in contact makes it worse!
I think it is okay for him to be nice and carry on friendships with exes as long as you are okay with it. This is one of thse things that sometimes is unexplainable, but if it, for whatever reason, causes you stress, he should be willing to ease off. That being said, I think face book friendships are not hte same as if they were hanging out so it should be easier for him to ease out of touch with these ladies.
He is not friends with anyone his ex's, in real life or on Facebook. I'm friends with a couple of ex's on Facebook but I never really have much contact with them. I was friends with them before my fiance came into the picture. He knows who they are and he also knows I never talk to them. So he doesn't worry about it. If our situations were reversed, I'd be the same way.
I know exactly how you feel, and I don't think it is unreasonable for you to approach him about it and tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if he would not just be "nice." My fiance and I have been together since high school, and we started off casually dating and a girl I barely knew came in and "stole" him away, for lack of better wording. He and this girl were never serious, they only lasted for about a month, and him and I have been together seriously for three and a half years now. She always pops up, however. Three separate times already, with conversations going back and forth and him saying he was just being "nice." I hate that, because there is no need to be nice to this girl who ruined our relationship once and has consistently been trying to ruin it a second time for the last three and a half years. She is also the kind of girl that sleeps around and cheats on all of her boyfriends, and she has some kind of vendetta against me for some reason that I have yet to learn, so I would wonder why he would want to be nice to her. This last time I found out they were talking, about six months ago, I flipped out and left, and he came home to an empty apartment with my engagement ring and my promise ring left on the table. I told him that I was leaving, that I didn't deserve this, and that he couldn't have understood what being engaged meant if he could go on talking to her when he KNEW that I hated it and that I just wanted her out of our lives. Needless to say, when I came home, he was crying and begging me to forgive him, and since that I have asked him to delete his Myspace, change his email, his AIM, and his phone number. It's not that I don't trust him, and he never physically cheated on me, but his being "nice" went too far, and this girl always seems to find a way to crawl back out from some hole and get in contact with him and I want her gone.
So anyways, long story short, I don't believe it is unreasonable, being "nice" is no excuse when your WIFE isn't comfortable with it and wants it to stop. There is no need for him to talk to his ex-girlfriends when he is happy with you, and he should respect your wishes, especially since the two of you are now married. These girls probably are just coming back now that he is the epitome of unattainable, but there is no need for him to encourage them. I would sit down and talk to him and don't take "I'm just being nice" for an answer. I did that before, and it took me actually leaving for him to realize how serious I am about it. I'm not saying you should do that by all means, but he needs to know that this makes you uncomfortable.
Add your quandry to the list of reasons I hate Facebook! I have no desire to be friends with any of my ex's-on facebook or in real life. It would bug me if my FI was friends with some of his ex's, and it would bug me more if he was in constant communication with one of them, let alone TWO of them.
That said, if your FI is just being nice as he says, it would bug me, but I don't know if I'd stop him. I trust that my FI loves me and doesn't carry a torch for any of his ex's!
Seems like teamzeewagen and I are the minority here.
Honestly, I don't quite understand why you are jealous, you stated that you trust him. Unless there is some sort of inappropriate talk going on or apparent flirting then I don't see the harm.
I still keep in touch with a couple of ex's and so does my Fiance, I'm actually quite close to one of mine and his lovely Fiancee and he will be coming to the wedding with her and we will be going to their wedding also, my Fiances ex's are more of acquaintances now and they don't speak very often, I actually said to him recently 'Have you spoke to such and such, you should ask her her partner to come to the wedding if you like". We are absoultly fine with each other speaking to ex's or members of the opposite sex, to be honest, I've never had a negative thought cross my mind when he talks to these girls. I would even be comfortable with him going out to dinner or whatever with the girls without me if he went home by himself or something.
We having a very secure relationship. I've noticed that in my home country people are a lot more laid back about matters such as this. I've noticed a trend here in the U.S- for me maybe it's a culture difference however my Fiance is American but, he is very laid back and open minded.
I think ex's are ex's for a reason. About 8 months into our relationship one of his ex's said that she didn't want to be friends anymore (I think what it was was that she was trying to move on [they went back and forth a lot over many years] and it was hard to move on with her still being friends). She got married a year later and just recently she wants to be friends again. He didn't know how to take it. She wants to be friends then she wants him out of her life completely and now she wants to be friends again. It's weird but I think what gets me is that his mom would prefer her over me with him and it's a little uncomfortable.
This is a very personal issue and there's no right answer (unless of course you find out something actually inappropriate is going on) if he wants to be friends with his exes. I have the same situation -- I'm not friends with my exes and my FI is friends with one of his...who happens to be 6 years younger than me and have a lot of similarities with me (we are similar "types") which FREAKED ME OUT big time in the early stages of our relationship. In addition she was not involved with anyone.
Long story short I kind of had a breakdown with him about it after having to hang out with her repeatedly and learning she was good friends with my FI's sister, etc. He did cut down the contact with her after I showed that it made me upset. I never asked him to stop seeing her but I would have liked to...but I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.
She still makes me uncomfortable to be honest but I really think it's my issue. He does not seem interested in her at all, I just get jealous when it comes to him (I was never the jealous type but with him I am...it was one of those early signs that this relationship was different!). The stupid ex is coming to the wedding and to be honest I really wish she wasn't...but again, to try and forbid that makes it more of an issue than I want it to be.
Anyway, I don't have any big advice for you because again, this is all very personal and each situation is unique. But just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this!!!
PS....I hate her! ;o)
Other than as nessesary, we have a no-ex policy. Not on FB, or anywhere else. There's just no reason for it.
"Other than as nessesary, we have a no-ex policy. Not on FB, or anywhere else. There's just no reason for it. "
We're the same way. Neither of us would tolerate it unless it was a very unusual situation. Consequently, we never fight, get jealous or argue about things like this. We have a very drama-free relationship.
I totally understand what you're saying, and to be honest, it doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion is. Like Miss Spring said, if it bothers YOU, then something should be done about it. You're uncomfortable, and he should be making every effort to make sure that you ARE comfortable.
I'm friends with a few ex's as well, and my husband is too...but all of the "insignificant" ones. He used to be friends with the girl he first loved in college, and she would constantly send him birthday cards with, "remember when we did this together? Oh gosh, that was so fun! You were so cute when you did this..." kind of stuff. It irked the heck out of me, b/c it was obvious she was trying to one up me and somehow keep him thinking of her. He knew it bothered me, so he really cut back on the contact with her and stopped informing her of things. He wanted to invite her to the wedding which I was fine with, but I think he got the impression that she was still trying to keep herself in his life, so ended up not inviting her. there was just no need for that stuff.
So, I absolutely see where you're coming from, and he should really be concerned with making you comfortable...not making her comfortable.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 24 |
| fishbone | 18 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| ladyartichoke | 12 |
| mypinkshoes | 12 |
| pengoala | 11 |
 sylvia.riggle |
11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ndreighton | 10 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ladyartichoke | 3 |
| tibbets | 3 |
| imageeksowhat | 2 |
| RayKay | 2 |
| sylvia.riggle |
2 |
| Loribeth | 1 |
| pengoala | 1 |
| JessM10 | 1 |
| dannielle89 | 1 |
| Amanda_Rae | 1 |
