Post # 1
So I am almost 38 weeks pregnant and I was approached by my mother wanting to know (just in case) what would happen if something (God forbid) was to happen to both DH and myself… who would the baby get to.
She brought this up because when she had me she wanted to make sure I went to a good place, a safe place, and that there was no legal issues regarding where I would go. She designated her sister to take me should anything happen to me.
I do not have any sibling, and DH has one sister who is MUCH younger than he is and is in no way any where responsible enough to take care of a child, so that really only leaves parents.
I hate to sound horrible… but I can ONLY see my baby going to MY parents if DH and I both died.
My parents are both retired, have plenty of money (I know my kid would want for NOTHING, be able to travel the world and have college paid for) and they are two of the most stable people I know.
DH has divorced parents. On his father’s side they are very stable, although fincially they struggle. Both work full time and have little in savings. Also they are both HEAVILY involved in a religion DH and I are not particularly fond of.
On his mothers side… oh sheesh… don’t even know where to begin. They live hand to mouth, and have a very unstable lifestyle. His stepfather is a trucker and his mother works one day a week as a cook at an assisted living facility. They are very poor and get drunk and have drunks over all the time. Plus father in law is a chain smoker…
How do talk to my DH about this without comng across as insulting? He already thinks I hate his family…. and I don’t hate them. I just come from a very different background and find it very hard to relate to them. But I don’t want to give him any reason to add fuel to this assumption.
Should I even say anything? Leave it up to chance? My mom said that if something happened they would fight and (I am assuming) they would win… but I would rather have a will just stating what we would like to happen.
Any advice is welcome!!! THANKS BEES!!!
Post # 2
I would definitely get a wil particularly with kids involved. My parents got one when I was 5 and my dad was diagnosed with cancer. You want to make sure your child is provided for in case the worst happens. I wouldn’t want my child going through a potentially messy custody battle after losing their parents.
Post # 3
I insisted on a will when my baby was born. We agreed on some lifelong friends who would raise her similarly to our style and who were financially comfortable. Hubby would rather she go to his brother, but I disagree, for now, because he is a childless bachelor. You need to just stick to the facts: you don’t want her to go to someone who smokes or doesn’t have any extra money to take care of her. Men appreciate facts.
Post # 4
MrsTeasandkeys: I honestly think that if you bring this conversation up with him, he might even come to the conclusion that your parents would be the best people to care for your child on his own. In all probability, he wants and knows what is best for his and your child. I think you should start out just by talking about the importance of coming up with a living will together, and be open to listening to some of his ideas. Take turns talking. Tell him where you’re coming from but don’t shoot down his ideas right away if they are different than yours. I think you absolutely need to say something, though. It’s an important conversation that you both need to have input on!
Post # 5
Have the conversation with him. As long as you don’t come across as attacking his parents, he may surprise you and agree with you that your child would be better off with your parents.
Please do keep in mind however, that wills need to be updated over time. Your parents may get too old to be raising childrem they may be ill themselves, etc. You may need to ask and designate someone else as time goes by.
Post # 6
He knows how his family is so I don’t think he would really be surprised. I would just bring it up like you did here “Hey I was thinking, who do you think the kid should go to if something happens to us because I feel the best place would be with my parents.” See how he responds and then go from there. Keep it as a discussion and try to keep it from talking about who’s family is better. Just who would best be able to care for your child.
FI and I have already had this talk because there is no way I would ever be comfortable with my children going to live with any of his family. None them are emotionally or financially stable enough to raise anyone. He completely understood my stance and actually agreed with me because he knows his family better than I do and knows our child would not be raised the way we would want them to be if they were his family.
Post # 7
I am an only child. I lost my mom 3 weeks before I turned 12 and lost my dad the day after I turned 16. My mom got diagnosed with her disease when I was 5 and was given 6 months to live, she lived almost 7 years. In her will it said that if something happened to both of my parents I would live with my paternal grandmother. During the 4 years between my parents death, my maternal grandfather and my father were back and forth in court over custody (obviously my dad wasn’t father of the year). My father even tried to send me to live with his mom, that lasted all of a month. I became of age where I could decide who I wanted to live with, which was my grandfather. Then my father died. Even though my parents will said I would go to my grandmother, I ended up with my grandfather. In regards to your comment about assuming his family would win, I don’t necessarily think that is true. If they did go to court, I believe the judge would award in favor of your family based on the stability you have mentioned. I think you should bring it up to your husband and weigh out the pros and cons with him. Ultimately, I think he will end up agreeing with you about what is best for your child. Being in this situation, it is not something I would want ANYONE to go through, so if there is a way to avoid it, do it.
ETA: After re-reading the part about fighting it if something happened, I think you were talking about your parents fighing, which I’ve already stated they would win!
Post # 8
(if you’re in the US) Something to remember (depending on your state laws), you don’t get to choose who your child goes with if something were to happen to you both, a judge does. I’ve dealt with this with my parents when my brother was a minor, my son when I was a single parent, and my step son whose mother passed away a few years ago. The best thing to do, in addition to a will, is to sit down a write a BRUTALLY honest letter to an unnamed judge about who you do and don’t want your child to go to and why. Have the letters either sealed at an attorney’s office or on file with the court, depending on your local laws. No one will ever read the letters, outside of the judge, and can be destroyed once the child is of age. DH and I wrote this kind of letter a few years ago, it was hard, but it was the best way to ensure if something happened to us that his youngest would go exactly where we wanted him to go.