Are any of you not close with your mothers?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I used to be, but then my Mother drastically changed and has now successfully alienated pretty much everyone with her instability and complete lack of willingness to help herself. And then she whinges about being “abandoned”. :insert eyeroll: Even her own therapist told me that I needed to step away from her to save my own sanity.

I miss being on good terms with my Mother, but I’ve come to accept that the Mother I knew does not exist right now. It is what it is. All I can do is take care of me so that I don’t become that person to my own child.

Post # 3
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I am not close to anyone in my family.  I think we grew up as a team similar to people working together to get things done, but not with emotional attachments.  My parents just always put hard work and business before us and I didn’t learn to have emotional connections with anyone until college.  I owe so much to those friends that helped me learn how to understand myself!

I am disappointed, but not enough to make an effort to try to change things now.  It’s funny, when there’s an opportunity to say something emotional or deeper with her, I run away from it completely.  My heart races a little and I just want to leave things as they are.  At a certain point maybe there’s just too much history and I don’t want to take the effort to go through it all.

You know how most people just assume that their parents are coming to their wedding?  I assume they will not and I am not counting on them at all.  Bummer, but that’s why my friends are so important to me.

Post # 4
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t speak to my mother and probably never will again. We have had several long periods of not speaking (years) since I left home at 18, I’m now 33, and I think this is the one that will stick. She isn’t very nice, she is a narcissist, a liar and blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life (which is pretty much nothing, she has a very good life). She is a very negative and toxic influence on me and brings out the worst in me. To be honest, I think I bring out the worst in her too. I don’t think she loves me and don’t think she ever really has.

I’m ok with it now, it’s nothing new and I am used to her ways. She ruined my last wedding and will not be invited to this one (getting married in August), I am more relaxed knowing that she won’t be involved and know that it will be a better day for it. The real tragedy is that I can’t have a relationship with my dad either because she won’t allow that, but I have had to try and make my peace with that. I don’t have kinds myself but if I ever do, at least I know what NOT to do!

 

 

Post # 6
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’ve never had a good relationship with my mother and my only memories of my childhood with her are full of arguments, fights and emotional abuse. I am the eldest of four kids and when my parents divorced we all stayed with my dad. My younger siblings do have a relationship of sorts with their mother now but none are particularly close to her. i see her occasionally at family events and there is absolutely no anger or animosity between (us in fact we’re completely civil to each other) but we both know will never have that mother/daughter relationship. 

i think it’s easier to deal with not having that bond as i’ve never known any different.

She won’t be invited to my wedding.

Post # 8
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

hiaud:  I feel the same as you – there is too much history and I think more damage would be done by raking it all up again so it’s almost too much effort to try and change the situation now. I also agree that these sorts of parental relationships can make it hard to form close bonds with other people, I think this is partly why my previous marriage failed but I learned a lot from it and am now finally able to accept myself and let people in.

Post # 10
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I used to have a great relationship with my mum, I thought she had the greatest advice and I loved spending time with her. That slowly started to change as I meet my DH. They didn’t get along and for the first time in my life I thought she was acting rather mean, rude and unreasonable. It slowly spiralled out of hand and exploded the day after our wedding. I’ve been in minimal contact with her since, basically just saying Merry Christmas and so on. To be fair though, things went even more south with my dad and brother during the wedding – so she’s still the one I’ve most contact with. Thank goodness for grandma, it would have been heart breaking if she would have disappeared out from my life as well.

I really miss her some days, especially now when I’m pregnant with our first child. I would want to share my happiness with her, but I just feel like there’s too much between us for patching it up.

Post # 11
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

regit45:  Actually I wish she wouldn’t go to the therapist because it’s an absolute waste of everyone’s time and money. She lies to her therapist, withholds important information from the therapist, and disregards what the therapist says to her. “My therapist says I’m being childish, but I don’t care.” That’s one of my Mother’s frequent lines. I used to attend her sessions sometimes to give the therapist input about everything my Mother was lying about or withholding, but I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter because my Mother is only paying lipservice to therapy in the first place. She wants to take a magic pill to get better rather than put in the hard work that is actually required of her. She wants “help”, but only if it requires her to do nothing. So I stopped burning my precious time off of work bec ause there was just no point in trying anymore. I also think her therapist is pretty craptastic. What kind of therapist tells their patient that they are broken and will never be fixed?!

I’m cordial to my Mother, but with very clear boundaries. She still tries to guilt trip me, but now I find it ridiculous. I am in charge of my own emotions, and no one can “make” me feel guilty unless I allow them to. So I made a conscious decision to not “allow” her to make me feel guilty. The last time she got mad at me because I didn’t return a text message immediately, so she tried to lay on a guilt trip. I just ignored her, which made her even more angry. And you know what? That’s her problem, not mine. If she wants to be angry, she’s allowed to be angry. If she wants to feel “abandoned” because of a text message not being responded to according to her schedule, she can feel “abandoned”. She is responsible for her own (irrational) emotions and being in control of them. I cannot do it for her. She has to control herself, and she chooses not to. So why should I get upset when she chooses to make herself upset and then wallow in that upsetness?

I should say that this has been going on, to varying degrees, for 21 years (I was 13 when it started), so it’s taken me a looooong time to reach my zen and block out her antics. It’s gotten worse over the last 5 years and finally reached a boiling point 2 months ago. I was parenting my parent, to the detriment of my own family and sanity, and I just could not do it anymore. I spent hours talking it over with Mr. LK, with my Dad and brother, and even with my son (he is VERY close to my Mother and is getting to an age where he sees through her bs), before making my decision to severly limit my contact with her. It was tough, but I am a happier person having made the decision that is best for me and my little family.

Post # 12
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t really have a mom, I have a grandmother and a mother that acts like my spoiled 15 year old sister.  My parents only had me so they could stay in the country (I’m an anchor baby!), so as soon as their paperwork went through I was shipped off to Taiwan to be raised by my grandmother.  It doesn’t really bother me since I choose to look at the positives: when my parents die I won’t really be sad/miss them. 

Post # 13
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

My mother is mentally ill and likes to accuse family members and acquaintances of serious crimes, including assault, burglary, rape, and murder. She has been violent and aggressive in the past, although she now has physical disabilities and this is no longer a problem. The paranoia and the delusions are also extremely worrying, however.

We don’t see very much of each other.

Post # 14
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am not that close to my mom. She calls me a few days a week, and we go to lunch occasionally, but it isn’t because I want to.. I just don’t want to hurt her.

My mom isn’t a bad person, but she left my dad when I was 8, and I was raised by my dad. I have a lot of inner conflict within myself over it. I don’t feel a bond with her. She’s very different from me, yet any similarities that we do have, I hate. I obviously have issues I need to deal with, but haven’t.

This has gotten a lot worse since I had my own daughter. It increases my inability to understand how my Mom just allowed us to be with my Dad, didn’t help me when he was so emotionally abusive to me… was able to leave her kids…

I REALLY try not to hold it against her, but it is so very hard. She tries to be very involved in my life now, and I reluctantly allow her to do so, so that my daughter can have a relationship with her.

Honestly, I have a lot of issues with my entire family. As cruel as it is to say, I don’t really like them a lot (I am SO different from them all) and don’t have a very strong relationship with any of them. I perfer to keep them all at a distance as to avoid getting hurt.

Post # 15
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

The relief that it is to see threads like this is just huge. Sometimes I feel so alone, like I am the only person in the world who got dealt this crappy-family card. I like a PP had a close relationship with my mother throughout as a younger child as we were basically a “team” against my very abusive father. My parents split for good when I was about 11, at that time my relief of my father being gone was cancelled out by my mother becoming an alcoholic and bouncing around from different men. For my entire life she has put her own priorities way above those of her children. When I was 13 she cheated on her second-husband with a new man and decided she wanted to move 6 hours away from where I had lived my whole life to be with this new guy which thus began the cycle of me moving more times then I can count, going to 3 different high schools and her eventually having 3 more children the last child of which I have a 19-year age difference.

It has been very hard as I have gotten older, met my FI and had our son to continue to accept her toxic behavior. Both she and her 3rd husband are daily-drinkers, financially unstable, generally dysfunction and extremely hostile constantly. I could never trust her around my son as they were always intoxicated and after bouts of not speaking to her, then going back thinking things could change, I finally cut all contact a year ago and have no intentions of speaking to them again.

It is extremely difficult for me as my siblings are still too young to understand all of these issues and so they stopped speaking to me when I cut ties with my Mom. I have no grandparents, aunts, cousins etc- so I am truly alone and without a family every single day. The hardest part in dealing with this is letting go of what might have been – the family I wished I had gotten and accept things for what they are. I am very thankful to have both my FI and son but also FI’s family who has accepted me as their own and helps to fill the void my family left. I do not have a single relative to invite to my wedding, some days that is tougher then others.

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