Post # 1
I’m curious what the bees think: If you could be a bridesmaid without being told what to wear, would you prefer that over what is tradditionally done? Would you rather just have the title, yet look like a normal guest?
Anyways, this is why I’ve ask: I’ve been a bridesmaid three times before getting married myself, and all three wonderful ladies are in my wedding. For each of them I bought the bridesmaid dress, shoes, jewlery, etc – It’s not what I would decide to wear on my own (all the dresses were donated to charity), but there was still something nice about being highlighted as VIP at my friends’ weddings.
For my wedding, I’m in a different time zone for two out of three of the girls, and the other is in a completely different area of France. There was no way of getting together to try on bridesmaids dresses, and I didn’t want them wearing black. In fact, I didn’t want them wearing the same cookie-cutter dresses; bridesmaids don’t really exist in French culture, and personally I just don’t want that look for my wedding (plus two of the girls are flying from the states to France, so it’s very important to me that costs are minimal). I told the girls to choose their own dresses, as long as they were green (any shade / fabric as long as each girl chose a different shade), French-grandmother safe (not too short and not too much clevage) and to wear black shoes. Except for it being French-grandmother proof, I don’t care too much. Anyways, one of my bridesmaids sent me a dress that looks more blue than green in the picture (it was a dress she already owned) and said she would like to wear silver shoes because she didn’t own a pair of black shoes. I’m not sure how to respond, because personally I really don’t care too much, but I’d like the girls to look somewhat, slightly unified even if they have thier different styles. I think black would go better with the different shades of green, but I’ll check with the other girls to see which one is easier for them.
Anyways, so my question – because if you’ve ever been a bridesmaid you realize it’s mostly for your friend – but would you still want to participate in looking like a bridesmaid if you weren’t forced?
Post # 3
I think that since youre being so flexible already, it’s really not too much to ask of them to buy a green dress and black shoes. If both things are her choice then you would assume she can buy a dress and pair of shoes than she can re-wear in the future. I would tell her honestly how you feel
Post # 4
I agree with PutBullLover. You are being really lenient already. I don’t think it’s too much to ask either. I definitely would tell her that you prefer her to stick to the color palette and find a green dress and black shoes.
I mean… every woman needs a good pair of black heels. It’s a fashion staple!
Post # 5
I can’t answer for myself, as I’ve never been a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but, I’m having 4 adult BMs, and had originally planned to have them all in different dresses (as in, completely different ie different colours AND different styles), as I wanted to be laid-back and didn’t want to force them all to wear the same. But after thinking about it my BMs (apart from Maid/Matron of Honor who’ll be in a different style and colour) said they’d like to wear similar-style dresses in the same colour (though perhaps different shades) as they want to stand out as BMs; and it’s actually looking like they’ll go for the same dresses. So, I think some people do like to stand out as BMs; all my BMs are very excited as I’ll be the first of us to get married, so it will be the first (and possibly only) time they’ll be BMs together; so I understand why they want to stand out.
But equally, I understand that some women feel very very uncomfortable in certain things; like my Maid/Matron of Honor has a very different style to my other BMs and just would not look right in the types of dresses that suits them; they all suit flowy, strapless numbers; she suits structured, sleeveless numbers.
But I think you actually want advice on your situation, despite your title and finishing question 😉 If you feel the dress looks blue and won’t look right with the other dresses, then say so and ask that she chooses something different. As far as the shoes go, I tend to think that silver works much better with green than black does generally speaking, and silver would actually have been my choice of shoes colour if I was going with green dresses; but again, it’s your call. Black shoes needn’t be expensive, and I’m sure she could borrow some if she’s stuck, so again, if you want black, stick to your guns.
Post # 6
I’m doing exactly what you are doing (green dresses in different shades/fabrics) and just asking that whatever shoes they wear, they will be brown.
I would not be happy if one of my girls wanted to wear a blue dress instead. You’re accomodating them as much as you can and clearly taking their finances into consideration already. I think that in shades of green and black shoes, they will look like one of the “in crowd” without being all matchy-matchy. Tell your girl that you’d really appreciate if she stuck to the (very lenient) guidelines you’ve thrown down.
Post # 7
Thank you ladies – I have to admit I was a little taken back by the request just because it’s not something normally asked – but in all honesty, I don’t really care as long as all three girls are happy whether it’s black or silver or whatever. To me, bridesmaids outfits aren’t for making the bride stand out (trust me, I’ll be in the big white dress you can’t miss me 😉 ) but just to hightlight that they are important people. Like as I said bridesmaids dresses aren’t worn in France, so I’m not worried if things “go together” because I’m sure if they are dressed nicely for a wedding it will be fine – it’s just more if it’s worth making the effort for the girls to look like they stand out a bit, or let them go with whatever. Most of the conversations on bridesmaids deal with the pain that being a bridemaid can be, so I’m wondering who out there actually gets excited over being the in crowd as opposed to just making a sacrafice for a friend (I’m not saying my friends aren’t excited because they are, but there is a part of me that feels odd telling my friends what to wear…even if I’m the bride, ha…).
Post # 8
@Au Jardin: It might be the lighting in the photo that makes the dress look more blue? Did the Bridesmaid or Best Man say its green? I have a problem with capturing colors properly in photos so I would just ask her to clarify… as long as the colors go well together I’d be as relaxed as you… I would also have chosen NUDE to go with Green as it compliments it really well and is very readily available in many styles in stores now ;]
@zippylef: I totally agree with the black shoes~ What kind of woman doesn’t own at least one pair? Its like a LBD and will be an investment for her waredrobe anyway so don’t feel bad.
Even if BMs aren’t really a thing in France, the American in you wants them and thus you shouldn’t water down your desires too much for the sake of the girls… they probably want to make you happy just as much as you want to make them happy sooo talk and be honest 😉
Post # 9
I think you’re already being more than accommodating to your girls. Your guidelines leave infinite possibilities for them to find dresses and shoes they like and would wear again.
I say stand your ground (nicely). If you want green and black just explain to her that this is the way you picture it. As you mentioned, for her wedding you bought the dress, shoes and jewelry without any complaints so it’s her turn to reciprocate.
I think part of the fun of being a bridesmaid is as you said being distinguished as a VIP so it makes sense to keep some sort of uniformed look.
And just as an aside, who doesn’t have black shoes?! How is that possible?
Post # 10
I said yes!
Even though I probably wouldn’t want to wear exact matching dresses and shoes and hair, I’d want to obviously look like one of the bridal party and have some sort of distinct ‘look’ that set me apart from the other guests.
Post # 11
I would rather just attend the wedding and be able to choose what I want to wear. I don’t need to be highlighted as part of the wedding party.
Post # 12
I guess my answer is more in the other category.
I think a good percentage of “bridesmaids” dresses are hideous and there are a LOT of styles of dresses that I would be super uncomfortable in. So if I was asked to be a bridesmaid and the person wanted me to wear a skintight, midthigh, strapless dress made of shinny satin I would have a really hard time not complaining.
However, since I do think most brides are at least somewhat aware of their BM’s desires and want them to look well. I would rather be given very distinct direction, which I would follow to a T, than be told “wear this dress” with no discussion.
It becomes a problem when a bride is too loose with her directions, when she makes it sound like she doesn’t care what you wear and she just wants you to be comfortable….and then she sees some of your opinions and options and takes it all back and then wants to specify exactly what you wear.
If you’re going to tell me, tell me and we can hash it out. If you’re going to give me very specific directions, give them and I’ll comply. If you’re going to give no direction, then don’t take it back afterward.
Post # 13
@barbie86: I’m in the same boat. I wanted everyone in a different color and style because all of the girls’ shapes were very different. In the end, I think they just wanted to be told what to wear because all of the options overwhelmed them. Two girls ended up in one dress (they are waif like and it had many pleats) while two ended up in another (they are fuller chested and the lack of pleats balanced them out on the bottom). My Maid/Matron of Honor will be wearing the fanciest dress, and it is a very different style from the other two.
This is all to say that I love variety in the bridal party line, so I wouldn’t be against picking something in the scheme a bride was asking me to look in.
As a final note, who doesn’t have a pair of black shoes? I think you should insist she get a pair simply because they are such an investment :).
Post # 15
We are doing the same thing end I was surprised when BMs were being so difficult about cooperating. I mean, I gave you free reign within the most minimal of possible constraints…cant you just do that please? And then I felt like I was crazy for just wanting them to get what I asked (all the same-ish color and knee length, no sweethearty strapless for cleavage reasons). So, I say ask about the dress color for clarification, and then tell her the black shoes are necessary, not optional. The dress might be ok after all, but the shoes? Come on. Everyone needs dressy black shoes.