Post # 1
I really don’t know where to start but I desperately need advice. I’m getting married in a few months to a man I have been dating for over 6 years. When we met 6 years ago I was so done with the bad guy type and wanted a stable, healthy relationship with a respectable, kind and loving man. He is all of that to me. Initially, I was SO happy with our relationship and things were awesome in every way. As the years have passed, we have grown distant and of course with his work schedule we don’t see each other nearly as much as we should. He’s also changed—he’s just not as fun and outgoing anymore. But he is deep down the same loving and caring man who is always there for me.
I’ve freaked out on him a few times telling him I can’t do this—because I just have these feelings inside me about how things will turn out. I feel like we’re doomed—that I’ll end up at home alone while he’s at work. That we’ll have no social life. That we’ll be unhappy in our marriage. I don’t always feel this way. There are times like when he looks at me a certain way or when we have a really great night together that I feel so warm an d happy. But then there are times when I’m alone just thinking about the future and I freak out. Generally, I feel this way when he’s not around.
I just feel stuck. I can’t imagine my life without him—but there are times when I am terrified at how things will end up if we get married and I’m deeply unhappy.
I don’t know what to do. Please help!
Post # 3
I really think you need to talk to him about how you’re feeling.
Post # 4
It doesn’t sound like the problem is him, or that you don’t love him. It sounds like your life is kind of in a rut. That happens. I think you should talk to him about it, and I think you should come up with some ideas how to spend time together and have a more active social life. (One of the best things for our relationship, I’ve discovered, is when we go for walks. Even if we just walk to the grocery store for milk together, because it’s a chance to connect and talk without all the distractions.)
Post # 5
@Elvis: Rut is exactly right. I find that when we spend more time together I feel calmer and happier overall. But when days go by and I haven’t seen him due to his work schedule, I feel so anxious. Part of is the fact that I don’t have a big social circle and really don’t have any hobbies. Part of it is also the fact that FI works way more than he has to mainly because he thinks it’s necessary–although we are have more than enough savings.
Sometimes I think about how I would feel without him in my life and I literally get sick to my stomach. At the same time, I don’t feel that giddiness and joy we used to have together 🙁
Post # 6
It sounds like you need to develope your life outside if your relationship.
Friends, hobbies, volunteering, sports, classes etc.
You sound like you’re not only in a rut but perhaps bored from the easy-goingness of your fI.
Post # 7
It’s hard to make friends as you get older, but it’s not impossible. Do you work outside the home? if so, try to start thinking of after work activities like happy hour or sporting events, and get a group together. Take some classes at your local community college. Mingle. You’ll build more relationships outside of your fiance, which will not only help keep you entertained while the two of you are apart, but also breathe new life into your relationship.
Post # 8
@violet25: Is it possible that you’re just lonely and bored and need a way to occupy your time?
I admit that when I’m alone, my paranoid thoughts do increase. About anything really. I just am a worrier – always have been, always will. I try to keep myself occupied and distract myself when I find the anxious thoughts are coming on.
Do you have a lot of friends/interests outside of him? If you’re relying solely on him for your happiness, this isn’t good.
I have a sense that either he’s a workaholic or you don’t have a job. If you don’t work, can you get a job or volunteer or something?
I think it is definitely normal to be scared about the future. Your thoughts sound a bit more negative than normal, but we all have our bad days. I’m not really sure what to tell you.
Post # 9
@violet25: I kind of know what you mean. Mr. E travels a lot for work. Like sometimes he’s away as much as he is home during the month. We talk every day, at least a little, even if it’s just texting, but sometimes I just end up feeling like we’re really distant. His schedule makes it a little difficult to have a social life as a couple, too, but one of the things we do is try and hosta dinner party at least every couple of months with another couple. (This pays dividends too, because then we get invited to dinner — turns out we aren’t the only ones that have to make an effort to have a social life. 🙂
I also learned to knit. There’s *always* a knitting group meeting in our city somewhere. I can think of three different cafes with weekly meetings, and I just saw a sign in our neighborhood library, and they’re going to have a knitting group this winter. And I started working out. When he’s home, we work out or go running or whatever together, but even when he’s not, I find I feel a lot better — not just physically, but psychologically, I don’t get as miserable/lonely/depressed/irritable. And if I’m bored, I get out the weights or go for a run. 🙂
I still think you should talk to him about how you feel and the changes you would like to see in your lifestyle, but I found when I took positive steps toward making those changes, the need to have that conversation pretty much disappeared.
Post # 10
Even if you’re just experiencing these feelings when you’re alone, it’s important you talk to him about it. Realistically, if you continue to feel this way for the rest of your life are you ever going to be really happy?
That being said, try finding things you can do by yourself that make you happy. Branch out; keep yourself busy. However, you should try to figure out how you can be comfortable by yourself, as well.
Post # 11
I sort of feel like you guys need to work out these feelings before marriage. I don’t see my husband hardly at all during the week and weekends are definetly hit or miss as to if we have an awesome time together or if it’s just the same old same old or if we get on eachothers nerves….but I don’t go to bed at night feeling unhappy unless we’ve been fighting…and I don’t mind the same old, same old…I actually have grown to love downtime…wether we are snuggled up watching movies or he’s in the garage working on his hobbies and I”m in the office studying….It doesn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter.
I think you gotta dig a little deeper here and find out if there’s more than meets the eye to this anxiety. Basically, you need to figure out if you really want to marry him.