Are my standards too high?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Sherbet:  No your standards aren’t too high.  Don’t settle for a guy.  You’re young, you have your whole life still.  Enjoy dating, enjoy relationships, and let your future husband come into your life.  You’ll find him eventually…enjoy the ride.  

Post # 4
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

When dating online you have the luxury of being picky.  But you have to realize that there may only be a few guys like that out there, they may not be on eHarmony, and their ideal mate may not be you.

My husband is not my “ideal” guy.  But he’s close, and when I fell in love with him, it opened my eyes to other things I’d been missing my whole life.  We’ve introduced each other to new things and experiences that we never would have if we’d have manufactured our perfect mates.

One small example I could pick for you:  I’m not a hunter either.  I would “pick” a guy who hunts because I am also a big animal lover.  But.. I know lots of people who do, and the more of life I’ve experienced the more I’ve realized that wouldn’t have stopped me from dating someone.  Someone who hunts for sport I would not be ok with – don’t kill things for fun.  But someone who hunts for meat I have no problem with – it’s more humane than a slaughterhouse where my burgers come from.  In fact I have a freezer full of venison thanks to my husband’s best friend’s family and the fact that he helps them butcher their deer every year. 

Also I’m a pretty picky eater but my husband has been introducing me to all kinds of new foods and the more I try the more I eat – I’m getting better!

Post # 6
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I was laughing when I read this post, not because there’s anyone amusing about your post or your situation but because I went through the EXACT same thing, just a few years ago! 

 

I recently broke up with as long term BF and was single for close to 2 years. I tried many different methods and also thought my standards may be too high. Then I met my FI through a random chat room (not a dating site). He did not have the best job at the time but he was a great guy and I thought I would give it a chance… I’m happy I did. If I let my “standards” stop me from being with him, I would have never known what a kind and wonderful person he is. i would not have known that a greater future was in store for him. He has a WAY better job now and I am so happy to be marrying my best friend. 

When you meet someone and they don’t meet all the standards, if you feel something for them, give them a chance. You may be pleasantly surprised! And dating should be fun…if it doesn’t work out, on to the next!! 

 

Sorry for the long post! Good luck, try your best to have fun and keep us posted! 

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Sherbet:  When I met my husband, he used to say “BrandNewBride, your standards for a man were so low I nearly tripped over them.”

Your standards are petty low!

All you’re asking for is a decent human that you’re a little attracted to!

Personally, I REALLY liked OkCupid, but definitely not my unfortunate-looking matches! I found DH by searching for friendship matches instead of love matches, and I was a terrible person and searched men 6’0″ or taller! And there he was, my #1 match!

Post # 10
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Akron isn’t a very big place, is it? That might be the problem – your standards certainly aren’t the problem.

I met my DH online in Boston, and it was like a buffet of well educated, interesting, cute, under 30 guys. I did end up tweaking my age range to include up to 32 – my DH was 31 at the time and setting my filter to 30 nixed him! Maybe bump your age range up by 1-2 years and see if that helps?

Post # 12
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you are being too picky. The requirements you list are things that you expect so you can be compatible.  Being picky would be along the linesof, he must have only a certain shade of hair, or only wear a particular brand of clothing, be a specific measurement of height etc.

Your list sounds reasonable.

Post # 14
Member
4511 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Actually, I kind of think some of your standards are a little excessive. Do you really ask a guy on the first date if he hunts? Plenty of guys go hunting with their buddies once a year mainly for “man time,” but once they fell in love with you and understood your objections, they very well might not have a problem never going again. Why would you have to include “tolerant of my nerdiness?” I mean, if he likes you, then of course he’s going to like your nerdiness! What about “liking dogs?” Why can’t he just tolerate them and not hate them? People can grow to like dogs, especially particular ones. (I hate it when random dogs run up to me and jump on me when I’m taking a walk, and I certainly don’t consider myself a dog-person, but I’m starting to grow in my affection for my IL’s dogs!) “Not an extreme picky eater.” My husband is a very picky eater, and I am a very, um, adventurous eater. I never thought I would be able to tolerate modifying my cooking to focus on the healthy things that he does eat, but I am SO GLAD that for me that was not a prerequisite to a first date! So, yeah, I think some of your things are a little unnecessary. I’m not saying you should marry someone who you have major moral issues with, like they dont think hunting for pleasure is bad in the slightest for example, but I think your pool of dates could be greatly broadened if you expanded your horizons a bit. People can change.

Also, I tried the online dating thing. Sorry, it sucks. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I don’t think your standards are ridiculous – that said, are you posting these standards on your profiles? While I can understand the desire to do that – my first thought whenever I saw profiles like that was, “Not for me.” I wouldn’t even bother reading the rest of the profile, even if the standards seemed reasonable. It made the person come off as too defensive and possibly too willing to reject me. It shifts the profile into a negative focus, rather than keeping it on the positive – which should be, what do you offer me as someone who wants to (possibly) date you? 

 

The majority of dating sites have their share of not-that-desirable folk (low barrier entry places, dating sites). I got a kick out of some of the messages I received. But I can understand the plight of the guys who are on there – the nice guys may spend years trying to get a girl’s attention, so while the one guy’s crude message to you was, well, crude, I can empathize with him.

 

That said, with attraction, I do really think sometimes you just need to give people a chance. My husband didn’t impress me much on our first date. Physically, he was not what I was expecting. It would have been unfortunate had I not agreed to see him again after a lackluster date (though the person himself was promising).

I had a two dates rule: Unless the guy was a freak, it was no skin off my back to agree to a second date and try to get a complete picture. It was also no skin off my back to agree to meet someone for an hour or two for dinner.

If you have the time – why not? You may well find you’re head-over-heels. Or you might just meet a friend. Maybe you’ll find out the guy’s someone you never want to be around again, in which case you’ve experienced what many daters have…and it gives you the experience to maybe avoid that type of person again in the future.

I’d say part of your problem is also that you’re hunting for people under 30 – though it’s not a hard-and-fast rule, many people are still figuring themselves out and getting settled in their 20s. I’d imagine most men are not looking for the same sort of long-term relationship most women are in their 20s.

 

It may not be that your standards are too high, but that you’re in a small dating pool. Though I would never discourage someone from higher education, a Master’s degree can be very intimidating and limit a woman’s dating prospects (you live in the Midwest – so do I. A smaller portion of people go on to bachelor’s degrees, let alone a Master’s, which can narrow your pool more).

You do have time. My suggestion is trying to break more into groups in which you’re interested. Animal rights groups, maybe. Volunteer with your Humane Society and start meeting people, etc.

In summary: even if you’re not crazy about these guys, give them a chance. Going out on one date is not the same as being stuck with him for a year or for the rest of your life. Now – I’m not advising you go on a date with the guy if you think,  “This guy sends me shuddering and I vomit when I have to talk to him,” but if you’re a little hesitant, a little unsure…I say go for it. You never know.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

no your standards aren’t high, there just are a lot of duds out there – especially when looking online – lots of crap to sift through! Keep searching (online dating is a full time job!) and don’t settle.  You’ll find the one that’s worth it all eventually. Good luck!

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