Are people unhappier if they have kids?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How did having kids affect your marriage?
    We have sex less, because I reject him. : (10 votes)
    9 %
    We have sex less, because he rejects me. : (7 votes)
    6 %
    He is less attracted to me. : (9 votes)
    8 %
    He spends more time away from me. : (8 votes)
    7 %
    My body is less attractive after kids. : (22 votes)
    20 %
    Our kids cause financial stress. : (20 votes)
    18 %
    We have fights about parenting techniques that badly affect our marriage. : (13 votes)
    12 %
    One or both of us has cheated. : (6 votes)
    5 %
    A part of me regrets having kids. : (16 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2400 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    1.) Did kids ruin the marriage or at least make it harder?  Were you having sex less frequently, spending less time together etc? No, YOU make time for EACHOTHER. We have a date night about every other week. If that means grandma and grandpa watches them overnight (which they get excited about) then that is perfectly fine.

    2.) Did having kids make you less sexy to each other?  Did you become just “a mom” instead of a wife/lover etc? No, looking at my husband being a father is more of a turn on to me. Watching him be a hero and father to our DD is more attractive then a single man to me. I am a wife/lover/mother. You can be all three things.

    3.) Did having kids ruin your body, and make your body look in a way that was much worse than it looked before kids? (fat stomach that doesn’t go away, saggy breasts etc) or were you able to bounce back to (basically) the same as your pre-baby body?  Did you get more of a ruler shape after giving birth or were you able to keep a curvier waist? YOU make of your body what you want. If you don’t want to be heavier then work out. It’s tough but you can do it. I have stretch marks all over my belly. They don’t bother DH AT ALL. I’ve learned to love my body for what it is and has done. It’s carried one miracle and is carrying another one now.

    4.) Did your husband start spending more time with friends to avoid coming home? He has his moments but so do I. Sometimes you just want a break. Screaming kids can be rough but you also need to learn balance between friends and home life.

    5.) Did you have a lot more financial stress? Yes, but who the eff doesn’t? It’s like any big change in life; buying a house or car. You are going to spend more money on this life changing event, YOU plan for it. There are ways to save and cut costs.

    6.) Did you or your H feel more inclined to cheat? No, if married couples with kids cheat IT IS NOT BECAUSE YOU HAD KIDS.

     

    Having children is a HUGE step in life. I don’t think people with children are unhappier just like I don’t think you need kids to be the happiest in life. It’s all what YOU make of it.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    3112 posts
    Sugar bee

    @pictureaccount:  We don’t have kids but we will start TTC later this year.  Watching parents with young kids often makes me feel sorry for them (they’re so tired, busy, stressed, financially strapped, etc.).  But I think–much more importantly–that seeing my aunts and uncles become elderly and not having anyone to care for (or about) them is much sadder!  Kids aren’t easy, but in the end they’re all that matter (more or less).

    Post # 7
    Member
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Huge studies on this have been done, and it has been statistically proven that children decrease marital happiness, by quite a large amount.

    Happiness doesn’t go back up until the kids leave the house.

    Obviously, that’s not true of everyone, but statistically speaking, kids are awful for marriages.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    394 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I have two things to say that I think will help:

    1.  Having kids does change things.  I have 2 daughters.  When people say, you will never love anyone like you love your kids.  IT”S TRUE.  I can’t explain it, and used to roll my eyes when people said that.  I love my kids more than anything else.  That said, having kids does change things, including your marriage.  

    Yes-there are costs to kids (a lot of costs).  You may have to give up things, because you have to put your kids first.  

    You body will change.  I lost all the weight I gained, but my boobs are saggy from breast feeding.

    You have to work Harder at your marriage.  Having kids takes time away from the two of you, and you have to do things to remind yourself that you are still a couple.

    2. If you don’t think you want to have kids, DON’T!  

    Short story: My sister has never wanted kids.  She is 30, and started dating a man who wants kids.  Now she is considering it.  (Maybe it doesn’t apply to your situation, but I think the message is the same.)  I told her not to.  Kids are a huge investment.  If you are not ready to devote yourself to them, don’t have kids.

    I’m not one of those people that thinks your life has to revolve around your kids.  I think you still need to have time for yourself and your husband.  But, your kids always need to come first.

    *** That is just my opinion.  I hope it helps.  I have a very happy, healthy relationship with my fiance.  We have a great sex life!  We have found a way to make it all work, but it is work!  Good luck.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6644 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    1.) Did kids ruin the marriage or at least make it harder?  Were you having sex less frequently, spending less time together etc?  Heck no for ruining marriage, did make a harder not really.  We spend the same amount of time together if not more now than without a child.

    2.) Did having kids make you less sexy to each other?  Did you become just “a mom” instead of a wife/lover etc? No he still is attractive as the day I met him. 

    3.) Did having kids ruin your body, and make your body look in a way that was much worse than it looked before kids? (fat stomach that doesn’t go away, saggy breasts etc) or were you able to bounce back to (basically) the same as your pre-baby body?  Did you get more of a ruler shape after giving birth or were you able to keep a curvier waist? I look the same as before child, so bounced back. 

    4.) Did your husband start spending more time with friends to avoid coming home? No we both try to schedule time away from our child just for a little bit of a break here and there but definitely do not avoid going home.

    5.) Did you have a lot more financial stress? Yes, of course, but that is just like any other thing in life. Living costs money.

    6.) Did you or your H feel more inclined to cheat? Nope, why would he?

    Post # 11
    Member
    4511 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    You should read the book “What to Expect When No One’s Expecting.” Aside from being just an overall really interesting book, it talks about this point, of how, yes, happiness is decreased by having children, but I think it would give you some things to think about, like how happiness and fulfillment aren’t necessarily the same thing, etc. (Why is “happiness” seemingly of ultimate importance? What about other qualities? etc.) Sorry Im not explaining it very well…

    Post # 12
    Member
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @ceebree:  Having kids does not guarantee that they will take care of you in your old age. It’s also pretty short sighted to assume that people must be lonely and sad in their old age if they didn’t have kids. The people in my extended family that didn’t have kids were loved and cared for in their old age just as much as those who did have kids.It’s poor logic to assume that kids automatically = more support. Just like it’s poor logic to assume that more than one kid = siblings to support one another and share responsibilities of the parents in old age (not that you brought that up, but it’s another thing I see a lot in the kids vs no kids debates here). People shouldn’t have kids for their own benefit. The only thing that’s guaranteed by having a kid….is that now a human exists where there wasn’t one before. The rest is kind of a crapshoot.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1690 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Does my body look the same after having kids – NO! I have stretch marks, a c-section scar, and a flabby stomach.

    Did having kids ruin my marriage – LOL! NO!

    we had our son within a year of us dating, and we’ve been together 8+ years now, and we are getting married on Saturday. I’m so much happier now then when we first got together. I can’t imagine life without our son, and to say he’s “ruined” anything is beyond comprehension. 

    Would FI still be happy if we didnt have kids? Ya, probably.. But I think something would feel missing. We aren’t big kid people, but we love our son very much.

    Sure it adds a different element to our relationship, but we are still very much a couple first, parents second. I don’t look at him like he’s “just a dad”, and he doesn’t look at me as just a mom either. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @pictureaccount:  I have never met someone who purposely didn’t have kids, and yet was sad about it. Most people who don’t have kids never have that “urge” to have them, and thus don’t feel like they are missing out. There’s a lot of people (on here, too!) who actually think kids are gross and annoying. And that never changes for them.

    Most people where I live don’t have kids until 35 or after, so being in your 30s without children isn’t a big deal, in any case :-).

    Post # 15
    Member
    844 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @pictureaccount:  I am a new FTM but I will answer….

     

    1.)   Did kids ruin the marriage or at least make it harder? Were you having sex less frequently, spending less time together etc?

     

    No, I mean obviously there will be some changes in the beginning with lack of sleep, having a person to care for etc…. but it definitely didn’t make our marriage harder nor has it interfered with our sex life. We make sure that we get “our time in” even if it’s after the baby goes to sleep. Like any relationship, you have to put in work and this is no different. The only difference is that at the end of the day we have this little boy who we love to pieces.

     

    2.)   Did having kids make you less sexy to each other? Did you become just “a mom” instead of a wife/lover etc?

     

    I agree with the previous poster in that it actually made us more attracted to one another. Experiencing birth was like something I can’t describe. But it definitely made us much closer (if that were even possible).  It is nothing sexier (to me) than to watch my hubby with our son. I am a mom (which I love) but I am a wife as well and we make sure to always make time for each other. We do date night as well.

     

    3.)   Did having kids ruin your body, and make your body look in a way that was much worse than it looked before kids? (fat stomach that doesn’t go away, saggy breasts etc) or were you able to bounce back to (basically) the same as your pre-baby body? Did you get more of a ruler shape after giving birth or were you able to keep a curvier waist?

     

    My son is 3 months so I am not 100% back to where I was pre-pregnancy but I am about 85% back and that is with no exercising. Once I start to exercise, I will be back in no time.

     

    4.)   Did your husband start spending more time with friends to avoid coming home?

     

    No, not for us but we pretty much do everything together anyways (before we even had the baby)….so not much has changed there. However, when we do want a “minute to breathe”, we get that in as well.

     

    5.)   Did you have a lot more financial stress?

     

    Nothing more than what was expected. Before having children, we knew what it all entailed as far as daycare, clothing, diapers, etc…. so we calculated everything before we TTC.

     

    6.)   Did you or your H feel more inclined to cheat?

     

    Um. No and I totally agree with the PP…. if there is cheating involved, it had nothing to do with having a baby…. that would have happened anyways. I never would have thought about my husband cheating after I had the baby. Not saying that it doesn’t happen…..but it never crossed my mind.

     

     

     

    I am not saying that having a baby doesn’t change things….. it does…. But for me, the change is manageable. I LOVE being a momma and DH loves being a daddy and we will definitely do it again in the near future. Good luck to you one way or another. Do what works best for your family 😉

     

     

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    2400 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @pictureaccount:  My SIL’s rib cage did spread a little bit but nothing major. Most women with have a little pooch even if they are twigs (; It’s just from skin stretching and not fully going back to normal. I don’t think I have ever heard of pregnancy changing a womans shape.

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