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Noone is perfect but they should be perfect for you.
If your FI doesn't make you feel special, if you think about other men, if you are not happy...maybe he isnt for you.
What do you love about him and why are you marrying him are questions you should have answers to. Don't worry about other ppl 'settling', i see the word more on a positive side..settling down with a man, having a family..not caring about anyone else b/c you are happy with your life/marriage.
I read this somewhere and to me it is pretty true:
“..Someone says 'hey see my bad stuff? show me yours! you okay with this? me too!' and they try and make it work..“
as for settling.. it is really hard to say or judge anyone elses situation. And a lot of our perceptions are altered or biased by a myriad of factors (self-esteem, money, intelligence, age, career, race, religion, culture, etc etc etc), so your friend worrying about her husband straying could be because he is a doctor (which is often glorified as an attractive job for a mate to have) and also because of his looks (she could be insecure about herself or have low self esteem influencing this) among other things.
As for your work acquaintance, I don't think she is settling, there is nothing wrong with finding someone sweet and caring who will appreciate & love you unconditionally.
In regards to myself & my partner, no he isn't Brad Pitt, but I'm not Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansen, not even close. So yes there is a possibility that I could “do better“ but mre likely I would do much much worse.
As it stands we treat each other with utmost love and respect; we accept each other fully for the individuals we are, jive really well with each others personality, have similar goals and perspectives.. the list goes on.
At least for myself I do not feel like I am “settling“ not one bit, even if what suits me best isn't what others would consider overwhelmingly fantastic, it is for me.
Interesting question!
I absolutely know that my husband is the right person for me, but I would still get these brief moments of 'what if...'. I think it's natural (at least, I hope it is, for my sake!). I think that even with the perfect mate, you're 'settling' when it comes to minor things (like I wish he had more initiative with washing dishes, or didn't mumble as much, etc.), but it's the whole package that makes it right or wrong.
I don't think your second friend is necessarily settling - she just values trust over attraction. I think the problem with that situation is that she equates being less attractive with being less likely to cheat.
I don't think the second friend is settling at all...settling for a guy who treats her like gold and would never be unfaithful to her? I don't consider that settling. In my world, I'd consider marrying for money (not that your friend is) or marrying because you feel you have to (due to pregnancy or something) more settling than marrying someone who genuinely loves you.
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I think the concept of marrying "up" or "down" based on looks and/or money are shallow and immature and pretty much miss the entire point of committing to someone else for something real.
I think one only "settles" if they marry someone they really don't want to be married too. Looks fade over time so if that's the only thing you've got going for you, you're in trouble. Money can be transitory too but even if its not, its cold comfort to have a big house and nice car but you can't stand the person you go to bed with every night or are constantly afraid s/he's going to leave you for someone else.
Looks fade, personality and companionship doesnt.
I think someone who goes for the better looking person who is not as caring/loving/giving/forgiving/helpful/thoughtful/understanding as the not-as-good looking person is settling WAY more than anyone who marries "down" in terms of looks.
Of course there needs to be chemistry and physical attraction, but a lot of chemistry is based on how well your personalities click.
I think people simply choose what they value in a relationship. It's not "settling", unless they dont want to be with that person at all (IE maybe a political alliance, arranged marriage etc)/
Everyone settles to some extent, but its really more a matter of semantics. I love my FH, but maybe not everything about him and I accept those. Is it settling or accepting or a matter of valuing one quality over another?
Many people eventually "settle down with a spouse". They accept who the other person is and do their best to make it work.
This reminds me of a quote from one of Jodi Picoult's books. I don't remember what character said it or even in what book, but it has stuck with me...
"You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact they're not."
This reminds me of that Scrubs episode where there was a really gorgeous woman married to kind of a dorky guy. One of the main characters asks her why they got married, and she said she wanted to marry the man who was always there for her :).
I'm with PitBulLover--looks fade, they're probably the least important part of any marriage. As for the other stuff, I think we all just compromise on what we 'settle' on. FI is amazing and puts up with so many of my shortcomings, and I put up with his.
I think age/maturity (not always the same things) have a lot to do with it. At the core, I think marrying someone you genuinely like, trust & respect trumps all.
You'll (hopefully) be together a very long time, in close quarters so there needs to be a solid friendship underneath it all.
There's an old song from the 1960's by the Association called "Cherish". I highly recommend giving it a listen. It's become my gold standard for relationships over the years. When trying to sort out my feelings for this guy or that guy, the question I've learned to ask myself is: Do I feel cherished?
If not, move on.
I've been with FH nearly 7 yrs now & he treats me the same way he did when we first started dating--he's also a true gentleman. He respects me & my work, which he shows in a myriad of concrete, tangible ways, not just words.
I feel that personally I married equally. We are about the same in attractivness and intelligence. Granted soon he'll have more education that me. I think that even if you don't want it to be an issue, marrying "down or up" does have it's problems. At the same time you can't be exactly the same - that's impossible and boring!
fishe and i are a great match, our flaws dont out do each other, they are more just little quirks, we dont think about other men/women, we feel lucky to have each other, so we arent settling, we click, and we couldnt be happier, i think its true that the person you are with doesnt need to be perfect, they just need to be perfect for you
Not for nothing, but I think people of every level of attractiveness can stray! Plus when you often hear about the other woman, they are rarely more attractive. I think it would be just as easy for a man "less attractive" than his wife to cheat to make himself feel better. Of course I hope no one has to experience this, I just think it can happen no matter the cirumstance.
Research shows that in the long term, couples that are similar in certain aspects are less likely to split. That includes intelligence, social status, similar family background, but also attractiveness. I'm guessing this also has to do with the peace of mind of not wondering 'What if he meets someone who also likes to discuss pre WWII Russian literature and I only read Cosmo?'
I'd be careful to pick a guy who I don't find attractive just because 'he's not going to ever leave me'. That can backfire big time. Obviously, this is a guy who CAN get attractive women. After all, she married him. So who's to say no other woman would come after him? Someone will sure find him attractive and might make him feel more special than the wife who thinks 'eh, he's alright'. Who's to say only very attractive people cheat? Who's to say the wife's appearance isn't ever going to change? Some people just don't age well.
I'm marrying someone who is similar enough so that we don't get bored with each other, who is different enough so that we don't get bored with each other, who wants similar things in life, who is hard working, treats me well and who I love. I admire his qualities and can live with his flaws. He inspires me to be the best person I can be. I think I got a pretty good match.
Well, I have thought about this multiple times as well. I am the second woman in your post. My FI isn't the greatest looking, but I find him hella attractive. I have people tell me all the time that I could do better. But he gives me everything I need and more. He gives me stability and support and assurance. I'm sure people view it as settling and sometimes I think I am too (when times get rough) but I don't think anyone else can provide me with he's able to.
I can kind of relate to KaitlinHudson - I do get told frequently that I could do better, etc. Hell, even FI tells me that! I think he is the most handsome man in the world though. He is my best friend, he thinks I am sexy when I am in my pajamas with the flu, he never ceases to support me and make me laugh. That's what matters to me.
If someone ever told me that I could do better than my FI, I would slap them :)
FI and I are very similar in most departments. Companionship is the most important thing.
As for the first friend, however, I would never marry someone that made me feel inadequate. I know the guy isn't doing it . . . it is more of the friend's insecurities... but I could never marry someone that I thought was so much better than me, that I don't deserve them, they might leave me, etc. I just couldn't live my life like that.
I don't want to sound uptight, but I sort of find this question offensive. Why is she settling just because she's better looking? He probably had a great personality and was great in bed. Heck, maybe he even made the bed every morning and remembered her birthday and asked about her friends. So She brings looks to the table. He brings something else. How is this settling?
As for your friend who dates a better looking guy: I get being insecure, but look at Rob Lowe's wife. He is clearly the pretty one, but seriously, who is ever going to be prettier the Rob Lowe?
I think saying that some one is "settling" based on looks is the worst sort of petty judgemental behavior. Are you in love with the person? don't they treat you nice and make you happy?What about that is settling? I thought that was the gold standard.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: and @KaitlinHudson:
It sounds like you ladies picked your guys for all the right reasons. This isn't settling, this is knowing what you want and not being shallow. This is being happy with someone. To hell with what other people think you should have! You have what is important to you, and that's what matters.
I think I understand what people mean by settling. I think sometimes we get an idea of what our "ideal" husband is like and when we find our real husband isn't all that (and really, what human could be?) we might feel we are somehow "settling."
But..I think when you find the right guy, those kinds of thoughts just go away. Would I like my husband to be wealthy enough that I could stay home? Sure, I would. Is this the case? Sadly, no. He makes more than twice what I do...but I'm not quitting my job anytime soon.
But have I settled? No, not at all. How can I be sure? Because I love him and cannot imagine my life without him. I wouldn't trade him for someone else who did have enough money that I could stay home. I wouldn't trade him for anyone for any reason. I want him, just as he is.
Maybe that's a good test. Would you trade your SO/FI/spouse for someone who had whatever qualities you imagined your perfect husband would have? If not, then I don't think you've settled at all.
@Miss Peach Tree: I agree! Why is the value in these cases based on who is better looking? That doesn't make much sense. My choosing of a mate was on personality, interests, moral, chemistry, etc. Lookswise, the only thing that mattered was "not ugly". I didn't define my husband's worth by his looks.
I feel like you'll only feel like you're settling if you are constantly looking around for something better. If your SO is great, and puts up with all the crazy/annoying things you do, and you love each other, what more is there?
I agree with missmouse29, there are men out there that are richer. slimmer, better looking than my FI, but there are plenty more women who are thinner, nicer and more domestic than I am. I look at it as being lucky to have found a person who puts up with my crap and loves me unconditionally. And I do the same for him in return.
There's a dialogue from the movie Couple's Retreat that I think sums it up nicely:
(John Favreau) "I did rock in high school football. You want to check tape?"
I guess if you expect perfection then you're settling. I'm not perfect so why would I expect my partner to be perfect, I need someone to grow with. I don't think it's settling to realizing your sweet love is not 100% perfect. That being said he's enough of a perfect match that I have zero desire to look any farther.
First off - I think the feelings you are having before you get married are completely normal. You are nervous. What you need to decide if these are nervous feelings or real hesitation feelings you need to address.
I think its very sad, the stories you told. Because money and looks are not what makes a man, or a woman. We all grow old, and most of us at one time or another have money problems. These things are fleeting. If these are what is making or breaking a decision for you, or anyone else - they should not marry the person.
Love runs deeper than money or looks. Imagine this - would you love your best friend if she was ugly? Would you love her if she was broke? You hopefully would. A husband should be your best friend. Thats why you can get past things like looks, and money. Because its what is inside that counts, and your friend who is afraid her husband will cheat on her, should realize her husband married her for reasons way beyond her looks, because she gave him something he couldnt find in any other woman.
If you look at your future husband, not taking into consideration looks and money, and you arent 100% absolutely in love with him and feel he is your best friend - you shouldnt marry him. There are too many bumps in the road of marriage to "settle".
I often tell my BF that he's the most wonderful man in the entire world. He almost always responds, "I don't think so." When he says that, though, I look him in the eye and say, "Maybe not, but you're the most wonderful man in the entire world for me, and that's what's important."
He's not the most handsome man on the planet, but he's definitely on the better looking end of the spectrum of guys I've dated. He doesn't make tons of money, but he makes enough, and he has plenty of free time to spend with me. He's not a famous stand up comedian, but he makes me laugh all the time. He doesn't buy me a dozen roses when I've had a bad day or make even bigger romantic gestures, but he does give me a good back massage and tell me that he loves me. He may not cater to my every whim, but he constantly goes out of his way to make me feel like the most special, beloved girl on the planet. He may not have ambitions in life to make a billion dollars and cure AIDS, but he does plan to have adventures with me all around the world and to be the best father to our future children that he possibly can.
So no, I don't think I'm settling. I suppose it's possible that I could do better, but why would I want a couple of random meteors too when my BF has already given me the world?
Besides, my BF and I have eight years of history together now. We have old jokes and stories and friends. We have a life. At this very moment, not a single other man in the whole world could offer me all that.
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One of my close girlfriends is married to a very well-to-do guy. He is a doctor and comes from a wealthy family (she has a typical office job and her family never had a lot of money). Nice catch, right? Everyone seems to think so and obviously she is proud of having a trophy husband. But the downside is that she is always worried about him leaving her for another woman. She's a pretty girl, but her husband is extremely good looking and there are always gorgeous women constantly putting moves on him. Now to be fair, he is a nice person and been good to her, but I think deep down inside she almost feels like he's too good for her.
On the other hand, I remember a lady I used to work with years ago who got engaged to (and eventually married) a guy who was "a good fit" for her. She was very beautiful and a lot of people thought she could have done better. He was rather average looking, I'm sure a lot of people would look at them and think, "Why is she dating HIM?" However if you met him, you could just tell he was a very sweet, loving guy who would treat her like gold and never in a million years be unfaithful. I remember her saying something to the extent of, "I am ok with marrying him because I always wanted the security [of knowing he won't leave]."
So I have been thinking about this lately and how people always think one person is too good for the other, etc. Everyone assumes that if you marry up, you scored big and if you marry down you are settling. I mean, clearly the second lady just settled right? But I can't help but feel like my friend also settled because her husband is "such a catch."It got me thinking, I love my FI and all, but there are some things I'm not so crazy about. I have made the decision to marry him and so I have decided that I can live with those flaws. Does that mean I'm settling too? What you do girls think, are we all just settling for what suits us best?