Are we both in the wrong? FMIL issues and etiquette

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

No, it’s not rude, it’s your day.  I do think you need to have FI be the one to say no though, it’s his family!!

Post # 4
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

How does your FI feel about inviting/not inviting people? The good thing about paying for the wedding yourself is that you guys get final say – but your FI has as much of a right to make decisions as you. If he is on the same page as you then great – but he needs to be the one to stand up to his mother, not you. If he wants more guests, then I suggest you look at the budget and see what you can reasonably afford and then reach a compromise together. 

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

No if you and your fiancé are paying you have every right to draw your boundaries. His mom is out of line. Even if she WAS helping, it’s still your wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

If you only want 40, then only have 40! Especially if she is not willing to pay for anyone else.  I can see how that is an uncomfortable situation, but utlimately it is your wedding. I would have your FI talk to her though, I definitely wouldn’t try to argue.

 

Post # 9
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@JazzyGemini:  your opinion doesn’t really matter. It’s up to your FI which of his relatives he wants to invite.

That said, if your FMIL isn’t paying then her opinion matters even less. If the distant relatives gets offended, then the person who offended them is FI, not his mother. So it’s his decision.

EDIT: OK I see your FI agrees. Well my advice is to not talking weddings with FMIL, unless FI is present. She’s his mother, he can do the talking to her.

Post # 10
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Right, well she can insist all she wants, unless she’s sending out wedding invites to these people, it won’t matter! 

What worked for me in the beginning was being very firm with everyone.  I told my mother- you can either see us get married, surrounded by some friends and family, and share in the joy or I will call you one day and tell you that we eloped and you missed it- and there are no pictures. 

But then, I’m very it’s my way or the high way in life, when it comes to family pressuring me into anything!

Post # 11
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If she’s not paying, she doesn’t get to invite a bunch of people you and your fiance barely know. It’s not being ‘rude’ to stick to your budget. End of story, really.

Post # 13
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@JazzyGemini:  Just set ground rules early, this your wedding not hers.  When she brings it up, say “I’m sorry we’ve already decided on the guestlist” then change the subject.  If she wants to keep talking divert her to FI so he can deal with her.

If she brings up the ring, say I’m sorry but it is mine and I plan on keeping it so I can wear it on special occasions and give it to my future children.

Post # 16
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@JazzyGemini:  Yep a backbone really needs to grown during wedding planning,  I learned that the hard way.  What really helped me deal with FMIL is to constantly remind myself that ultimetly her opinion doesn’t matter.  It would be great if you can make her happy and would make some stuff better but people need to realise they are not always going to get what they want and can’t be made happy all the time, especially when they aren’t really doing anything to help the situation (in this case forking out money for the extra people).  You are marrying FI, not her, so you two are the only ones that matter and ultimatly you don’t even HAVE to include her in any planning.  You should to be nice but you need to be firm that she can help but not demand or expect for you to bend to her every whim.

Good luck! And remember to always be on a united front with FI, if you two are on the same page then you will avoid so many problems.

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