Post # 1
Just a preface: We’re already legally married (just thought we would get the legal work out of the way). We’ve been together for a few years now.
Anyway, I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but I have a major communication issue. Always have, and no matter how hard I try, I don’t think it’ll ever change. I know communication is key to a relationship and it is REALLY making me think this will not work for the long haul….I also know it’s not good that I’m already having these doubts. Tonight, we got into a fight because a family member passed away, and yet he asked me if i was up for grabbing drinks with him and a friend (b/c his friend asked). To me, not only is it inappropriate, it was very self centered of him, and shows that he does not feel for the situation at all. I don’t think I’m out of line for being upset, and his apology is not accepted a this point…
It’s just regardless of what we are fighting about, I shut down, will ignore him/not speak to him completely, and now I am on the couch…again (my choice/preference). Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any advice, thoughts, or experiences you could share with me….
Post # 3
Look into counseling, at it will precisely work on communication. Counseling will help you both because you can both express yourselves and both be heard without distraction or interruption, on neutral ground. Your counselor will guide your discussion, and that structure is also reassuring. Our church offers a discounted rate with a certified marriage counselor. Look for a couples retreat for married people. If you have yet to get married through a church/temple/etc, perhaps you can get some pre-marital counseling program through them.
It is not taboo to go to counseling- it will actually make you more optimistic. I hope your misunderstandings will clear up. Best wishes!
Post # 4
It is definetly a problem and I tend to do that to, but have really been working on it. It won’t change no matter who you are with. Yes that was insensitive and y’all probably have things to work through, but I don’t know a marriage that doesn’t.
Me and my fiance have been reading a book called the 5 love languages by gary chapman. We all speak different love languages and most likely you and your partner have different love languages. So you need to learn to speak each others languages. There is a part in the book that reminds me of your exact situation with the family member passing. It is a great book and has changed our relationship completely.
It is hard to learn to communicate properly and I struggle with it daily. I am sorry to hear about your family member passing. My prayers are with you!
Post # 5
Hey, Just wanted to share something I found to be EXTREMELY helpful…..I just bought this book called “how to improve your marriage without talking about it” written by Patricia Love, Ed.D., and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. A little background on myself is that I am working towards my masters in professional family counseling and I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. We have recently been having A LOT of communication problems lately and I was looking for something to help me understand our problems…..I came across an article about this book and bought it the same day. Its fabulous! I am almost finished with it and I cannot wait to go back to school and talk to my friends about it. The authors’ theory revolves around research that shows the differences between the ways in which men and women communicate. According to Love and Stosny, men have somewhat unconcious inadequacy and shame issues that hamper their ability to communicate with women in the ways they want them to. Similarly, women have their own issues in the areas of fear of isolation, unhappiness, and anxiety. when a woman says “lets talk”, the man assumes he will be once again faced with how he doesn’t measure up as a spouse, regardless of what you are talking about. The more a woman is anxious over their sense of “disconnect” the more the man stonewalls. The authors say that that if the woman (and visa versa) is able to use the steps in the book to communicate better with her husband, the communication comes more freely and naturally from the husband (though still not as much as a woman tries to communicate). I cried a few times when I was reading because I found myself falling into the unhealthy patterns mentioned in the book. I was also able to see how the book can potentially help my relationship. Its actually fairly affordable too–only 14 dollars for a new paperback. I sincerely believe the two of you can make it, there just needs to be communication changes. His way of coping with the situation may be different than yours. He doesn’t know how to help you, so he responds in his own way. I sincerely hope this helps! Have a lovely night.