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I have heard of this working before! As long as you two are committed to making it work, that's really all that matters.
Whether you take the job or not, you are just as married. Literally thousands of people do this. My grandparents got married on my grandfather's shore leave from WW2 service. My dad spent most of his first two years of marriage stationed on a ship for the Air Force. I met a guy in the airport just the other day who was leaving his wife of 3 months to move to Abu Dhabi for a job that would set them up financially for years. My best work friend got engaged Sunday (!!!) and is assuming they will keep separate places for a while.
Whatever you do, make it the right choice for you. If you are separate, you are just as married and join a long line of perfectly respectable people in that situation.
we are kind of in a similar situation and decided it is absolutely not okay for us to spend the first year of our marriage apart! but, that was an exremely personal decision based on us...being unemployed is a huge stress, but for us, being apart would be even worse. tough decision to make!
Oh honey. We lived long distance the first 6 months of our marriage. We were still married, whatever! We did what we had to do. It's temporary. We had separate apartments, separate bills, separate lives. 4/5 years of our relationship was LDR. Now that he's home, it's nice. We're still pretty independent and do a lot of our own stuff. But we're still just as married as we were then! Living together doesn't "make" your marriage or make it official.
DH got out of the army and now lives with me. I make enough for us to both live off. He's not employed. But, we're much happier this way. Yes, I hope he gets a job soon. When I lived with him, I waited tables. It was muy sucky. I barely had any income. But we made it work.
If it's only a year, no big deal. But there's no guarantee you'll have a job at the end of that first year.
If you can make it work, make it work. But sometimes you gotta pay the bills man. If you have a choice to live together, do it. Living apart is no fun. but to me, it was just "same ole same ole" because we had no choice. Then we had a choice. I do hope he finds work soon =]
Can you afford to only have one of you working? Can you afford to keep up two households completely seperate? Will you be able to afford to take time to see eachother during the year to maintain your relationship? If you can't afford to only have one of you working, it would be difficult to live together even though it is hard on your relationship. One thing I don't understand is why would you taking this job only mean that you would be apart for a year? Is he going to quit his job after a year or something?
Is there a plan for how you'd be living together at the end of this year if you took the job? Would he definitely move for you then?
If there's not a clear plan for how you'll live together after this, I personally would feel a little worried. Some might not be bothered by being so "separate" but others would.
my fiance and I will be going through the same thing. After we're married, he'll be moving up to Boston while I finish my degree in Virginia. It's totally doable and if it's worth it in the end for both your careers, I say go for it!! It's only a year and you know you guys can already survive doing long distance. That's why we're cool with it. We've been dating for 7 years but 2.5 of those years were long distance!
If it is at all an option I would opt for him moving to be with you but if that doesn't work and you guys have a plan for how to be together eventually I think living separately for a while doesn't make you an iota less married.
@monitajb and ejs4y8: thank you for the perspective! i should thank my lucky stars that i don't have to deal with the real fear of distance that military families experience.
@hisbride: that makes sense. best of luck to you both!
@missasb: we can afford living together on just my salary if i take this. if i moved to him i'd have to find something quick in an uncertain economy. we could afford to keep separate households and visit if i took this job, but the time off would be hard-won because both of our jobs are so demanding. your last point is well taken and one my folks have made.
@ everybody: thank you so much for your kind words and support. without the hive i'm not sure where i'd get such thoughtful impartial advice!
What does your FH think about all this? Ultimately it's a discussion that you need to have with him but from my experience;
My parents lived apart for many months at a time due to my dad's job. And they made it work for 20 years. For various other reasons they now live in different countries but are still married. For some couples this type of lifestyle really works. You need to think about whether or not you're comfortable with the idea. I hope you make a decision that you're comfortable with either way.
Two of my best friends had to live apart while she was in med school and he in grad school - they had been married for 4 years by the time they had to be apart (they were about 30 years old). They ended up divorced because of the strain.
BUT they were split between Massachusetts and Alabama - a HUGE difference when compared to a couple of hours. Just make sure that you make the time to stay on the same path together - my friends changed and diverged from being so far apart. Don't let that happen to your wonderful new marriage!
you guys are so sweet and great. mr. alice and i have definitely talked it through ad nauseum, but there just doesn't seem to be an ideal solution. latest plan is we're going to try to make it work for a year with the promise to sacrifice career ambitions to be together after that (after hopefully saving a bit of money this year just in case).
but it helps to hear your stories of making it work (and it even helps to hear a cautionary tale or two to remind us we must be vigilant about intimacy and communication).
oh, hey, i just noticed i'm now a worker bee, yay! maybe it's a sign to take the job, haha.
Of course you are still married if you are apart! My FI is deploying a month after the wedding, so we'll be apart, too. It will be ok! If you think that the financial stability is worth being apart for that time, then do it! :)
Hey, I've been living apart from my husband for much of the last year (immigration reasons). It sucks (as you already know from living apart from your partner) but it's not, for me, worse than it was before we were married. If anything, it's better because we are more firmly committed.
Can you take the job and he can start looking in your new city with the plan of moving as soon as he finds something?
Yes, you are so totally married!!! I'm in the same situation as some of the other bees here where due to the military, my hubby and I are spending the first year of marriage apart. It is so sucky and I cry A LOT, but I am married. Would you say that a man who deploys and has to live his kids behind isn't a father? Heck no! Living in different locations doesn't take away you being married!
Okay, so take the job and he can move to be with you, and find a job. What's the question?
;)
okay, I know it's not always that simple. What kind of growth opportunity does his job provide? Same question for the job you want to take. How versatile are both of your skill sets and how common are your prefered job fields? Who will have an easier time finding a job in the current market if they move, you or him?
If it were us, he would move in a heart beat to be with me, but that's us. And that's what we'll be doing - we're moving to China together once we're married (and after he finishes his masters - about a year down the road).
oh daydreamwanderer so perceptive as always!
to answer you, both of these jobs have huge growth opportunity. bottom line, someone is probably sacrificing at some point, so the one year distance thing is more of a compromise than anything. he has already moved across the country for me once (but his current job led him several hours away after a couple years) and i hate to ask it again if it means stunting his career. trouble is, i'm not willing to stunt mine either i guess. it's just tough to own up to that fact upon entering into the institution of marriage. i feel like a bad partner for potentially putting what's best for me first. though, as others have said above, what's best for one partner can be best for the marriage. ps best of luck together in china, how exciting!
also, to the military couples: you guys are so brave. your relationship sacrifice is for your country and i just have the utmost respect for that decision.
definately.
it may be hard, but in the long run it would pay off i'm sure.
i know when my bf and i get married he'll still be going to his summer job at a kids camp that he pretty much leads until he's done school, so i'll be spending summers apart, and the thought sucks, but i've done it before so i know i can do it again.
if you're already long distance and you know you can do it, i have faith in you!
My aunt and uncle have done this for years now. First he was working overseas in Iraq and didn't care much for that so he found a position here. They were having layoffs so he got hired by another company in another state. He had to take the job because it was the only thing out there. All in all they lived for 4 years with him overseas or out of state.
He is coming home next week.
I would keep in mind your future goals as a family. If working another year would get you further ahead $$ wise then I'd do it. But in the mean time be interviewing back home and him interviewing where you are. My FI is a pilot and is gone 3-4 days out of the week. So I feel like I have a LDR. It is still a marriage and I nor he would change it
With this economy, I think you would be smart to take the job. Obviously, it's not "just a job" to you; you say that it's an amazing opportunity. I think especially given that you and FI have experience with making your relationship work LD, you will be able to work through this too. My friends got married and spent a year on separate COASTS while he was in law school and they made it work. My other friends are living apart because he just finished school and needs to start his job at a law firm in NYC and she has to finish grad school in Michigan- and THEY just had a BABY. You can do it, you just need a plan. How easy would it be for you two to visit eachother? Can you take turns driving to each other?
Alice, it looks like if you take the job, you won't be the first person to be apart from your new husband.
I got married a few months ago and we still live apart. We see each other on the weekends only.
We're in the process of looking for a house and because my job is just a few minutes from where I live now (and the same goes for him) it's just easier this way.
People ask me how married life is all the time and I tell them it's the same as being single. This response is usually followed by nervous laughter from them.
thank you all for the kind support! i will share your encouragement with the mister. and halloween, good luck househunting!
We are going to be LDR for the first 8 months of our marriage. He's in the military and I'm finishing my last semester of college.
You will make it work, expecially if you have been LDR before. It does not make you any less married.
Such a tough situation!
Currently, Mr. Powder Puff and I are living apart. He got an amazing job offer about an hour away, and we decided that it would be best if I stayed here in Chicago to finish the school year (I teach preschool), and then moved to be with him in May.
It's tough, but definitely doable. We see each other every weekend, and talk on the phone every night. And knowing that there's a definitive end point really helps.
Something that Mr. Powder Puff and I decided early on (and something I think you and your fiance need to discuss) is that his career would be the one that we would focus on. So all of our decisions regarding work, moving etc center around the question- is this the best thing for Mr. Powder Puff's career? This is NOT to say that my career isn't as important or meaningful. I love what I do! But we came to the mutual decision that Mr. Powder Puff's career takes precedence.
I think this is important for you to talk to your fiance about because a time will come again when you'll need to make a decision about your career, and that decision might be in conflict with your fiance's career. You guys need to be a team, working for what's best for your marriage.
Good luck! :)
I've seen friends try it, and it did not work out well. I don't see the point of getting married only to continue living apart (except in cases where someone is being temporarily deployed or something)- I think it's best to find a way to live together if you want to get married.
My mom's best friend is in this situation. She had 3 years left on her contract and they commute between NJ and MA most weekends to see each other. They make it work! I'm sure you can, especially when there's an end date in sight and lots of visits planned!
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oh hive what to do! mr. alice and i are currently long distance and have spent the bulk of our relationship that way (a notable exception of living together one happy year). i recently received an amazing job offer that would keep us several hours apart our first year of marriage. is that even a marriage? i don't know! we'd have to keep two separate apartments. i was so looking forward to finally being together and keeping house. should i take the job or risk moving to where he is and being unemployed? if he moved here, he'd be unemployed (we could live on my salary but not on his). have any of you made a long distance first year of marriage work? are we being naive to put our careers ahead of our relationship? advice please!