Post # 1
My FI is extremely sweet and kind and I want to make him happy but I’m having trouble moving past this issue.
I’m not a big fan of his friends as I think they tend to be a bit fairweather and they gossip. It’s not so much as his friends but their wives who gossip. Plus bc of one particular gossipy wife, they all have a negative view of me as being crazy or insecure or controlling. I’ve caught wind they they all gossip about me with one another as well as to their husbands- which has been reflected in some of the comments they’ve made to my FI (which he told me about, i.e., “Are you sure she’s the one for you?” or “She seems controlling”)
Sure it hurts my feelings bc since they are his friends, I want them to like me, but it is what it is. Actually it sucks. Relational aggression sucks. It caused my FI & I to fight over the issue a lot since he would always defend his friends. Eventually we went to counseling (which his friend’s wives had a field day with -lending itself to the crazy talk). And to make a long story still long but hopefully shorter – the counselor validated my experiences and told my FI he needed to set better boundaries with his friends. (So I’m not crazy)
Anyway, they’re all invited to the wedding -which I’m cool with. But now he wants the best man to sing & play guitar at the reception. At first he wanted him to sing like 5 songs but I talked him down to 1 or 2 songs. I didn’t want it to become a garage jam session like we’d have on the weekends. The thing is – this guy never sings without his wife -who is also one of the wives who engaged in relational agression towards me.
I told my FI it bothers me that we’re having them both sing since I know they’re not fans of me. My FI said he thought it’d be cool to celebrate their friendship at our wedding. I feel like our wedding is the day to celebrate OUR relationship – not other peoples / friendship. I’m feeling resentful that these people don’t like me so I’m having a hard time with wanting to celebrate their “friendship” when they’ve gossiped about me. If it was a couple who I felt genuinely liked me and were genuinely happy for us, I’d be all for them singing and performing.
Part of me is feeling selfish by not wanting them to sing and the other side of me feels like I should just let it go. What do you think? Should I just let it go? Am I being selfish or petty? Is our wedding a time to celebrate us or our friendships? I feel like it’s a time to celebrate us with our friends.
Post # 3
I can see where your FI is coming from, and I do think weddings can/should celebrate friendships to a certain point, afterall, these are the people that have been supporting you throughout the relationship.
However, the people that you seem to be talking about, do not seem to be the “supporting” types of friends and I can understand why you would be upset. Maybe you could talk to FI and tell him that yes, special frienships should be celebrated, but only of deserving friends who have truly been supportive. If FI is still adamant about having them sing, can they perhaps sing at the rehersal dinner, or reception (after you are already married!)
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with these hurtful comments and the gossip. I’d like to give your FI the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn’t have proposed something he thought would bother you. That said, while I think it is lovely to have friends who love and support you share in your wedding day, support is a key piece of that and it doesn’t seem like his friends have necessarily been doing that for your relationship.
Five songs sounds absurd (for anyone – it’s a wedding not a concert) but if it would mean a lot to your FI to have his friend sing a song, maybe there’s a compromise. You said they have weekend jams, so maybe the groomsmen, or the best man and your FI could do something together instead of the best man and his wife? I don’t think you’re being selfish to not want the friend’s wife (who has been hurtful to you in the past and doesn’t seem to have done anything to make amends or even acknowledge the need for that) to sing at your wedding.
ETA: I thought your FI wanted his friend to sing during the reception, not the actual ceremony. For the most part though, I think my thoughts are the same – except that you aren’t absurd to have five songs throughout the course of the ceremony (though it is weird to me to think about having ceremony musicians who are neither pros nor people you like).
Post # 5
Your not being selfish. I’d talk to your FH again and again express why this doesn’t sit right with you. If this was me NO WAY would this be happening. this isn’t “The Voice”.. If you guys come to a compromise, then 1 song is plenty and the suggestion of a PP that they sing at the rehearsal is perfect.
Post # 6
not a lot of help but an entertaining anecdote and possibly some ammo in favor of your argument if it comes to blows in the wedding planning:
when my parents got married, the local rock band my dad managed at the time did their music as a wedding gift to them. I was not at their wedding since it was years before I was born, but I know all about their music because no one will ever let them forget that their first dance as man and wife was to “cocaine” by eric clapton.
possibly of more use — having just had our wedding a couple weeks ago, I’ve been reflecting on it and I’m so glad we kept our guest list mostly down to people we totally loved and who totally love us (cutting down a lot of anxiety that something is going to go wrong and everyone is going to be judge-y about it), even though it meant axeing some local friends that we just dont’ go back that far with. What I do regret is letting one of the few not tried-and-true friends who did make it on the list take over all sorts of wedding activities and make them about him. So while I definitely don’t think you should uninvite your friends or anything, I would hesitate to turn the spotlight on anyone you don’t know is there for you through thick and thin.
If you were saying “my favorite aunt wants to sing a song at our wedding but here’s the thing…she’s not that good”…I would lean the other way. Anything that happens at your wedding that comes out of a place of love and celebration is going to be sweet no matter how ‘good’ it is. But if you feel like this is more about publicity/spotlight than doing something sweet for you two, I would be careful. It’s one thing if it’s really important to your FI that they do the songs, but if his worry is about looking like a jerk for talking to them about it and then backing out, I’m sure you can find a way around that. They dont’ need to know that your great aunt isn’t actually helping to pay for the wedding and boycotting a band being there. Anything that isn’t malicious and makes it not personal, you know?
Otherwise, I totally agree with the rehearsal idea!
Post # 7
This is how I see it: the ceremony is to celebrate the couple, and the reception is a celebration of friends and family who have supported you and loved you before and during your relationship. I absolutely do not agree that a wedding is about a couple and just that. We would not be the people we are today without those who have been there for us, and if we are celebrating ourselves we should be thanking them and celebrating them for their support along the way.
However, I can see where you are coming from. Neither FH or I have any friends or family that don’t like one of us, and I can see how hurtful it would be to have a significant part of your reception centered on a couple who openly disapprove of your relationship. That is not support and, IMO, not friendship. I think it’s nice that you are perhaps willing to give the guy one song, but 5? Absolutely not. They should learn to respect you and your relationship before they think about taking over your wedding.
Post # 8
If a wedding was just about the couple then you wouldn’t have a bridal party and you wouldn’t throw a reception for your guests. I don’t see the problem with 1 or 2 songs. What you should do is sit down with these people with your FI and talk it out. You are adults. Your FI needs to explain that if his friends wives can’t respect you then he is going to have to cut them loose. One of Mr. Tattoos best friends hates me and could not keep his mouth shut about him getting a “ready made family” and how I’m just using him and blah blah blah. After about 3 months of this, Mr. Tattoo cut him loose. He was asked to keep my name out of his mouth, but he continued to try to turn the rest of his friends against me.
YOU can’t control who he talks to, but he can.
Post # 9
i think i would feel the same as you do, i wouldnt want your FIs friend and his wife serenading me if you knew they dont like you, its like being party to their hypocrisy.
Your FI doesnt really need to validate his friendship with the friend at your wedding, thats what the stag party is for isnt it?
your wedding day should be about YOUR love and commitment, and you need to be surrounded by people who love you and support your union….
if they do sing for you, i would be tempted to walk off in another direction once they begin singing and come back when they stop. if they question it or say its rude, then tell them why……i am afraid i would have to let them know that i know and am unhappy with their presence.