Post # 1
I recently found out that the child I lost to miscarriage is probably the only biological child I will ever have. I have POF (Premature Ovarian Failure). I’m going into menopause and I’m 27!
I’m devastated but pregnancy has always been a means to an end for me – I just want to be a mom.
This leads of course to adoption.
Unfortunately I’ve been googling and nothing good can come from google. So many of the narratives from adult adoptees are cripplingly negative. One refers to her adoptive parents as her “abductors” and compares her love for them to Stockholm Syndrome. I have even read stories of adopted children growing up, rejecting their adoptive families, full of hatred and anger towards them. And then as soon as they are 18 they leave, find their birth parents and arrange to be legally adopted, as an adult, by their bio mom. There don’t seem to be any happy, well-adjusted people who were adopted talking about it.
I’ve always believed that genetics is overrated and love is what matters. But in the adoptee blogsophere they seem to experience the opposite! Some of them even talk about the need to abolish adoption.
It could be that the happy contented well adjusted people just aren’t driven to blog about their feelings and experiences. Sort of like how people who have a bad experience are far more likely to talk about it than people who have a good one. I don’t know too many adopted persons in my life – and neither does my husband. Not well enough, anyway, to ask them how they really feel about being adopted, and how they feel toward their adopted parents.
All of this leaves me feeling scared and worried. I want to adopt a child who needs me and grow our circle of love but I don’t want to hurt a child obviously and have them grow up to resent me.
Do any bees have insight into this?
Post # 3
I don’t have much of a personal story, but I’m interested in other’s perspectives.
Post # 4
Maybe the blogosphere is full of the sad stories only! I have an adopted friend and she’s always been happy that way. Like me, she’s a 40-something woman with a long stable marriage and beautiful teenage children. Another friend who I have since lost contact with, her parents soon after had a biological child (a boy) and as far as I could tell she felt equally loved.
I just googled and found these good ones:
ETA: plus one girl at school who always seemed well adjusted. I’m of the generation where I suspect quite a few people I know or knew are adopted, without me knowing it.
Post # 5
My boyfriend is adopted. He loves his (adoptive) parents dearly and considers their family his family – we’ve only talked a little on this subject, but he has no desire to know his birth parents aside from curiousity about his medical history.
I also am good friends with a woman who recently reconnected with the daughter she gave up many many years ago. The daughter grew up in a wonderful, loving home and now has a relationship with both her birth mother AND her adoptive parents.
I would say you’re right in guessing that most people with good experiences aren’t largely driven to blog about them – we often write about the pain we’ve felt in trying to figure out how to deal with it.
Post # 6
Well, I know plently of people WITH biological parents that had terrible childhoods and now have strained relationships with their parents. It’s all about parenting. Also, if you keep your children in the loop as to their adoption process and not keep it a secret, i think that can make the difference. I had a friend that was adopted and she loves her adoptive parents. I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful mother. Blood doesn’t make the difference.
Post # 7
One of my ex’s dad was adopted. He loved his parents so much! (They have both passed away in the past 5 years or so). They were very close and I was actually quite surprised when I found out, since they had a perfectly “normal” relationship (actually it was much better than many adult children/parents I have known, including myself).
Post # 8
I am so sorry to learn of your miscarriage and your condition. I’m sure that this news has been devastating to you. However, I know that you, like I, have a deep faith in a mighty God, and we know that He is greater than any problem we may ever face and that with Him, all things are possible.
I pray that He will give you a baby of your own if that is the desire of your heart. However, if you decide to pursue adoption in the interim, I wanted to respond to your question.
My stepdaughter-in-law is adopted, and she could not possibly be any more loved by her adoptive parents and could not possibly adore her adoptive parents more. She is extremely close to them and sees them almost every day. She is a beautiful, talented, sweet young woman who is very well adjusted, very successful, and very happily married and has a child of her own.
I wanted to note that her parents were unable to have children and were so thrilled when the were able to adopt her. However, when she was a toddler, God blessed her adoptive parents with a biological child of their own. Similarly, I have two cousins who are adopted, and, while their parents were in the process of adopting the second child, the couple learned that they were expecting their own baby. Not only that, but they ended up having a second biological child as well.
I pray that God blesses you and your husband beyond your greatest expectations, Magdalena! HUGS!
Post # 9
A good friend of mine was adopted, and he has a great relationship with his (adoptive) parents, and doesn’t really have any desire to meet his biological parents. From what I can tell, he sees his parents as his parents, period. They were the ones who raised him, who loved him. From what I can tell, no problems there! 🙂
Post # 10
I have a friend who’s adopted, she seems really close to her adopted parents. I have asked her if she wants to meet her birth parents she said yea, but I don’t see her being desperate to meet them. I think she’s happy with her family,she also has an adopted brother who recently had a baby and she was excited to be an aunt.
Post # 11
I’m adopted! I’m proud of my multi colored family!! I do not have the perfect family story and I’m not going to sugar coat it there are the ups and downs to adoption. You can’t assume the child you adopt won’t have some issues at one point to find out about their biological family. It’s normal and ok, as an adopted child I strongly believe in the adoption process!! I was a drug baby my biological mother did drigs and I was taken away from her in the hospital. I turned out fine! I’m getting married, own a house, run 1/2 marathons, working on my masters degree and have the cutest puppy! I only really have a desire to find my biological parents for medical reasons and to see what they look like… If you have any questions feel free to ask!!
Post # 12
I was adopted as an infant. I knew it from a very young age and never felt ashamed of it. When kids at school would tease me, I’d tell them the same thing my mom told me— that other parents got their kid. For free but my parents though I was so awesome that they were happy to pay a lot of money for me. I’ve had ups and downs over the years with mow mom but mostly those were ” teenage angst” things. I love my mom, and my adoptive sisters and brother, and I’ve had zero desire find my bio parents.
one of DH’s closest friends is also adopted, and apart from finding his bio parents completely by accident ( the State sent him his unsealed birth certificate when he needed a copy, rather than the one with his adoptive parents. name on it ) has had a very similar experience. He and I are successful in our careers, personal lives and family lives.
fwiw my cousin, also adopted, lost his marbles when he found out, as a teenager, that he’d been adopted. I think part of raising an adopted child without issues is to not try to hide it from them.
Post # 13
My dad is adopted. He says his adopted parents are his parents, but he also has a relationship with his biological family. His biological mom found him when I was a child.
Post # 14
My cousins are adopted and my FI is adopted. I have talked to both my cousin (who is one of my closest friends) and my FI in depth about their feelings regarding being adopted. They both feel almost identically. They feel that their adoptive parents are their real parents and they don’t have much interest in finding their biological parents. They have everything they need from the parents they have now. At some points in their lives they have had questions (my cousin is in her early 40s and my FI is 30) mostly regarding family medical history that they would like to have answers to, but other than that they have zero interest in finding their biological parents. Their families have been upfront with them about their adoption their whole lives. My FI would like to know if he has siblings and may look into that at some point, but is 1000% emotionally invested in the people he considers to be his real parents. He has a very strong sense of family, and even though his family life hasn’t been perfect at times that hasn’t driven him to change anything.
Post # 15
Genetics ARE overrated and love IS what matters. My daughter is my world and I did not give birth to her. I can say very assuredly that I am also hers. The light and love and affection she shows me is everything that any parent, natural or adopted could ask for. Best thing ever for the both of us. My daughter has just sat down on the piano playing “heart and soul” so I’m going to join her as that’s a duet. If you want to be mom, do it. Sad stories come from all dynamics.
Post # 16
My husband is adopted and is very close to his mother (his father died). He even met his birth father (turned out to be a nightmare) and that only made him appreciate his mother more. We have a family friend who is adopted also and he sees his adopted parents as his only parents and have no desire to find his birth parents. My husband only searched for his for medical reasons.