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all for sure. His honeymoon surprise is killing me! My FI is my best friend. He used to be really guarded since his family is not very open or sharing but we talk about everything!
My husband and I are definitely completely open with each other. I won't say he knows every embarrassing or painful story I have, because there are probably some I haven't thought of. But we share everything. We've told each other stories of our awkward hookups and one night stands, embarrassing stories from when we were in high school, and things we did as children that we feel guilty about today. I love having someone who I can be totally honest with, and I know he can always make me feel better when I am bothered by an old memory. I also love feeling like I know everything about him- it makes me feel more secure in our relationship now, oddly, to know all about his past exploits :)
We share everything, but we hold back on things that will hurt each other. For example, if I don't like something he's doing, I try not to be a B about it but say it tactfully and vice versa. We don't "let loose" on each other. I guess you could say that we still treat each other the way you treat friends. Sometimes I see people treating their SO's horribly and talking to them in a way that I wouldn't dare talk to anyone else, and we very much don't want that to happen.I try to find tactful ways to deal with things with him, too. I guess respect is the key word. I think this just goes down the drain sometimes in relationships, especially when you've been together a long time.
Honestly in the last 4.5 years of dating, everything has come out of the closet at some point with us. But when you start dating at 18, there isn't necessarily a whole lot in that closet, either. We didn't delve into it too much, though. He has told me that he was basically an a$$ in high school and is really embarassed of it. This was all before he found God and was baptised, and I know that none of it is who he is anymore, he was just a dumb 16 year old. So I know, but I don't know every little detail and I'm totally ok wtih that.
If something is really personal or embarassing or painful, I think it's ok to keep it a secret as long as it isn't hurtful. I know people who have had painful and traumatizing childhoods and I completely respect the fact that they've moved on past it and choose to keep some things secretive and in the past.
I have to say we are an "all" couple. We have a very open relationship in terms of communication. If my FI or I don't know something about each other it is because we haven't thought about it but since we have been dating nearly 4 years, it is all out in the open.
Sometimes my FI tries to not tell me things that may make me worried, like when he "fainted" but he ends up telling me which I was thankful for. I would be more disappointed not knowing but that's just me. But I have to be clear in saying that I don't pull things out of him. When he is comfortable to talk about something I just listen.
It's funny that even 4 years later I am constantly learning more about him including troubling parts of his childhood. I feel like I learn something everyday which makes our chats oh so interesting.
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I am a sharer--all about being open and getting things out in the open. My family is really open and close while Mr. K comes from a much more uptight, reserved family. We have been together for almost five years and although he's not quite the "sharer" I am, he's a SO much more open than he was when I met him!
Kitten--my husband and I are the same way! He told me the other day that I taught him how to share his feelings, and when I think back to how he was when we met, I can see how our openness and sharing got more substantial over time.
I find the concept of "all or nothing" confusing though...who on earth would share NOTHING with their partner? People have different boundaries about different subjects. For example, I have way more candor with my husband about how I was raised and the feelings I had growing up than I ever would about past hook-ups. It all comes down to details and there are certain topics best kept general!
Plus, not everything needs to be verbalized. I am big on verbal communication but I have also learned not every thought needs a voice!
@ehs4y8 "I try not to be a B about it but say it tactfully and vice versa. We don't "let loose" on each other. I guess you could say that we still treat each other the way you treat friends."
This is exactly how my FI and I are. We are an "all" couple. We share our feelings, even the bad ones, but in a constructive way. He knows all the deep, dark, and dirty things about me and likewise. It's funny because I just had my bridal shower over the weekend and I couldn't answer a lot of the questions that were about him like his first pet's name or his favorite color--because I know too much about him! He has three colors he calls his favorite and they picked just one!
Sometimes it can be hard to share so much of yourself with another person--but to us included in the title of husband and wife is also best friend and confidante.
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Yep! For example, if my butt WAS Getting a little big, I don't want him to be like, "babe your a$$ is getting bigger" the way my mom would. I want him to be like "Hmm I think you're putting on a few. I can't bounce quarters off it anymore"
There IS a difference to me. That probably wasn't the intention of the thread, but it's just food for thought. I really hope that we both work hard at maintaining that sort of attitude towards each other.
From the comment ejs made - I think sharing negative things about the other person can be included in the thread. Maybe you're in the camp of sharing everything but being careful how you phrase it?
I think there's a lot of different variations on this theme, not just two distinct sides, so feel free to say exactly what you and your significant other's boundaries are (are all topics discussed if they are discussed respectfully? Or are there some subjects that should be completely avoided? Is it ok to discuss general events but not details? Should the listener have to listen even if the topic makes him/her uncomfortable? etc...)
I also think that West Coast Bride ponted out a confusing point in my language. Consider "all or nothing" to be more an "everything goes" type, and the opposite would be the "a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets" type. I'm not sure if I made that less confusing... (P.S. 10 bonus points to the person who knows what movie that quote is from. ;)
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We are an "all" couple. I'm sure there are things we haven't told one another yet, as amandoplis said because we just haven't thought of it. But I've told him stuff that nobody else knows about me, and he's shared things with me that he has never told anyone else.
Since I tend to be very outspoken, I do agree with West Coast Bride (having learned the hard way...lol) "...not every thought needs a voice!"
Yes, i'd definitely say that Mrs. Spring. You know there is always a way to say something negative without hurting the other person...and as time goes on (look at your parents ladies!) don't they tend to say things so bluntly they shock you? My dad says things to my mom sometimes and i wanna be like, "where's the please? the thank you?" etc etc.
I think some things COULD be completely off-topic. For instance an abusive childhood or something. I know for us, we discuss lots of "explosive" topics, right down to abortion and civil rights and stuff. I won't go into detail, and although we do disagree on some minor points, we are respectful in our discussions.
"should the listener have to listen even if the topic makes him uncomfortable?"
~Yes, FI, you DO have to listen to me B*Ch about my cramps and how my period is so bad right now 
And I think it's ok not to discuss details but to "dance around the topic". I KNOW my FI's been with two other girls. I don't need to know how good it was with them or what they did to him and/or what he liked about it and the whole nine yards. Those kind of details=bad!!!!
I think things get really loaded when it's about sexual pasts, obviously =]. But I don't believe that our hearts should be deep secretive oceans either. You can get ot the point where you are omitting so much about yourself that I think you create a facade for your FI and he doesn't truly know who you are
Helloo Titanic!
Like Kate and Leo ;) we are an all couple, but with some limits. We try to be very respectful. I think it is very important to share and feel comfortable, while also being kind towards one another. This is something I work on a lot since I tend to blurt things out and I'm such a verbal processor. My FI was very used to doing everything on his own before I came along, so it is harder for him and whenever a point of conflict comes up he's like "we just won't talk about it" and I'm all "YOU'RE MARRYING A TRAINED THERAPIST! We must talk! About everything!" It is a joke, for the most part. Kind of.
I'm always amazed when people talk about something bugging them and they just hold it back for a long time. I really feel it is important to share, moving towards growing and accepting one another and if there is an issue, moving towards resolution!
Woot, woot! 10 points to mambinki!
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Ha Ha....the movie quote actually DID clarify:-)
We are in "all"but not because we demand to be but because I can't lie to him and he likes to talk. lol
I'd say we're probably an "all" couple. =) Even when he tries to keep secrets from me (in order to surprise me), I end up guessing them. =D
We were each others' first relationship, though (period, not just sexual -- we're the first people we each dated/kissed/EVERYTHING) so there's not much "dirt" to share, so we don't have to deal with that. So our situation's probably not as complicated as some.
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We're an "all" couple... now. Initially, both of us were very guarded & well, he NEVER talked about his feelings, his day... nothing! It was toxic. Keeping things from your SO is never, ever a good idea in a relationship. I think it starts with the little secrets & becomes unstoppable eventually. He was the type that held all his emotions in until he burst. I couldn't deal with his shut out ways & we broke up for 6 months (2 years ago).
Since we got back together, it seems I've unleashed a beast. lol now he feels the need to share everything... I have to be careful though because once I said something and he was like "See I share with you & then you act like x,y,z" I think I have to just roll with it. lol
Oh and regarding a "man, your a$$ looks fat in those pants!!" kind of comment... I'd be crushed. There's a fine line between honesty & hurtfulness, especially from someone you love. We haven't had a conversation like that, but if we ever do, I hope he'll show some tact!
We are an "as it comes up" couple ... we just live out life from day to day, we share the major things, but we don't just throw things out there for the sake of "getting it out" I don't have any "secrets" per se, and neither does he, but I don't NEED to know absolutely everything. Sometimes you need to have your little things you keep back.
I think I have a different perspective, because before me and FH met I was really sick, and was given a 10% chance of dying on the table because I had a very risky surgery.
You learn a lot through those experiences, and I learned that you need to just take things a day at a time, not hold back your feelings, but you also don't need to be "all or nothing" all of the time. Share the big/important things, but its not necessary for me to hash out every little detail of our whole lives.
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We are most definatley an ALL couple. . although i would say me more than him. There are things in my passed that he HAD to be made aware of should they present themelves later. FI sharesbut somthings he hides from me because he is embarassed/unsure of how i'll take it. He is slowly coming around to realise that I, unlike previous people in hislife, am in for the long-haul :)
Great question. We too share almost everything. But there are some pieces of our relationship histories that we do not share---for example he is not interested in knowing very much about mine, and I respect that. However, as things happen in our relationship in the present, we definitely share everything! Now he knows when something is bugging me to sit me down and have me tell him---he says that it's way less trouble to get it over with than to let me stew about it, and he's right. :)
This is a very interesting thread! It's especially interesting that there hasn't been anyone who has piped up and said that they like having their space and keeping their personal stuff...well, their stuff.
I think me and my FI are good about sharing everything and getting to the heart of what really matters to us. However, we're both very independent people outside of each other, if that makes sense- we need each other, of course, but as my dad said when FI met my parents- "Good luck taming that one." I go through a lot of things in my head, and if I were to try to explain each and every single issue that I'm working through as an individual...we would have serious problems.
I have to reiterate that I don't keep secrets from FI. I just know that I can be very overwhelming if I'm not careful with the things I say and how I say them, and I've learned when something needs to be discussed and when it's better if I work through it alone.
An example would be a few weeks ago when an old friend expressed concerns at my getting married so young (I'm 22). He made some valid points, and I considered his fears and thoughts because he knows me very well and was honestly concerned for my future. I know my FI is it for me, but it would have been disrespectful to my friend to shut him down immediately and take offense to what was honest concern. Would it have been constructive to give FI a heart attack and tell him about this friend's concern? Or was it more considerate of me to quietly, within my own thoughts, consider my friend's opinions and let it go without bringing it up?
This is a sticky subject, much like the question, "Do you believe in telling the truth all the time, even when it will hurt someone needlessly?" (i.e. telling someone they're fat, lazy, etc)
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I would say we are not an "all" couple. But we aren't a "nothing" couple either.
We share stuff as it becomes relevant in our lives.
I certainly have never felt the need to know every little detail about my fiance and he feels the same way. But we don't intentionally keep secrets about ourselves either.
My philosophy is that if I feel like talking about something with anyone, I share it with him first. But if I don't feel like talking about something yet, then that's OK too.
Oh and in terms of sexual history ect., neither of us is really interested. Sometimes something will come up in the context of an interesting story. But otherwise I don't care and I'd rather not think about it. He feels the same way.
We are an "all" couple. The way we see it, when couples keep things from each other it causes problems. This is what we have learned from our friends. Even if he asks what is wrong and if I say "nothing", he tells me that is not true and presses that we need to have openess. I agree 100% but I have not always been in relationships either where honesty was key, at least not where the other party was concerned (Sad, i know). so, sometimes I deem certain things too little to say out loud. However, it helps because he is my best friend and my confidant and always knows how to make me feel better.
we share most things. he does not however need to know how he compares in bed to my ex's, how many men i've slept with (he has a number, just not quite the real number....) , details of the sex with other guys. And I don't need to know his opinion on my body after kids, or any info on his ex's!
Pretty open. I'm just plain not a secretive person.
But we dont' share every single thing. He made it very clear that he did not want to know a thing about my past relationships and even though I'd like to dish (because I'm a gossip) he just doesn't want to know. He almost never talks about past relationships. The past is the past and all that jazz.
Hmmm...maybe he's secretive and I just don't know it yet! Ha ha, doubt it though.
I've always been an open book. FI is not, but is learning to share. The only thing we don't talk about in detail is our previous relationships, just because he just doesn't want to hear about it!
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Reading this other post got me thinking - are you an "all or nothing" type of couple? Do you and your significant other believe in sharing in everything with each other, even secrets that are uncomfortable, painful, or embarrasing? Or do you believe that some things are ok to keep as a secret, especially if they cause one or both of you to relive something painful or embarrassing? Share your thoughts!
My husband and I share everything, and I mean everything. I used to be a person who guarded my secrets really protectively. Now that we have both made a committment to sharing with each other, though, I feel a little differently. I still have to work through the pain, frustration, anger, embarassment, etc... of those memories, but it's easier because I have some one else to support me through it. Plus, it makes me feel really close to my husband that he knows things about me that nobody else does, and vice versa. :)