Post # 1
Reading this other post got me thinking – are you an "all or nothing" type of couple? Do you and your significant other believe in sharing in everything with each other, even secrets that are uncomfortable, painful, or embarrasing? Or do you believe that some things are ok to keep as a secret, especially if they cause one or both of you to relive something painful or embarrassing? Share your thoughts!
My husband and I share everything, and I mean everything. I used to be a person who guarded my secrets really protectively. Now that we have both made a committment to sharing with each other, though, I feel a little differently. I still have to work through the pain, frustration, anger, embarassment, etc… of those memories, but it’s easier because I have some one else to support me through it. Plus, it makes me feel really close to my husband that he knows things about me that nobody else does, and vice versa. 🙂
Post # 3
all for sure. His honeymoon surprise is killing me! My FI is my best friend. He used to be really guarded since his family is not very open or sharing but we talk about everything!
Post # 4
My husband and I are definitely completely open with each other. I won’t say he knows every embarrassing or painful story I have, because there are probably some I haven’t thought of. But we share everything. We’ve told each other stories of our awkward hookups and one night stands, embarrassing stories from when we were in high school, and things we did as children that we feel guilty about today. I love having someone who I can be totally honest with, and I know he can always make me feel better when I am bothered by an old memory. I also love feeling like I know everything about him- it makes me feel more secure in our relationship now, oddly, to know all about his past exploits 🙂
Post # 5
We share everything, but we hold back on things that will hurt each other. For example, if I don’t like something he’s doing, I try not to be a B about it but say it tactfully and vice versa. We don’t "let loose" on each other. I guess you could say that we still treat each other the way you treat friends. Sometimes I see people treating their SO’s horribly and talking to them in a way that I wouldn’t dare talk to anyone else, and we very much don’t want that to happen.I try to find tactful ways to deal with things with him, too. I guess respect is the key word. I think this just goes down the drain sometimes in relationships, especially when you’ve been together a long time.
Honestly in the last 4.5 years of dating, everything has come out of the closet at some point with us. But when you start dating at 18, there isn’t necessarily a whole lot in that closet, either. We didn’t delve into it too much, though. He has told me that he was basically an a$$ in high school and is really embarassed of it. This was all before he found God and was baptised, and I know that none of it is who he is anymore, he was just a dumb 16 year old. So I know, but I don’t know every little detail and I’m totally ok wtih that.
If something is really personal or embarassing or painful, I think it’s ok to keep it a secret as long as it isn’t hurtful. I know people who have had painful and traumatizing childhoods and I completely respect the fact that they’ve moved on past it and choose to keep some things secretive and in the past.
Post # 6
I have to say we are an "all" couple. We have a very open relationship in terms of communication. If my FI or I don’t know something about each other it is because we haven’t thought about it but since we have been dating nearly 4 years, it is all out in the open.
Sometimes my FI tries to not tell me things that may make me worried, like when he "fainted" but he ends up telling me which I was thankful for. I would be more disappointed not knowing but that’s just me. But I have to be clear in saying that I don’t pull things out of him. When he is comfortable to talk about something I just listen.
It’s funny that even 4 years later I am constantly learning more about him including troubling parts of his childhood. I feel like I learn something everyday which makes our chats oh so interesting.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2018 - The Grand Old House, Grand Cayman
I am a sharer–all about being open and getting things out in the open. My family is really open and close while Mr. K comes from a much more uptight, reserved family. We have been together for almost five years and although he’s not quite the "sharer" I am, he’s a SO much more open than he was when I met him!
Post # 8
Kitten–my husband and I are the same way! He told me the other day that I taught him how to share his feelings, and when I think back to how he was when we met, I can see how our openness and sharing got more substantial over time.
I find the concept of "all or nothing" confusing though…who on earth would share NOTHING with their partner? People have different boundaries about different subjects. For example, I have way more candor with my husband about how I was raised and the feelings I had growing up than I ever would about past hook-ups. It all comes down to details and there are certain topics best kept general!
Plus, not everything needs to be verbalized. I am big on verbal communication but I have also learned not every thought needs a voice!
Post # 9
@ehs4y8 "I try not to be a B about it but say it tactfully and vice versa. We don’t "let loose" on each other. I guess you could say that we still treat each other the way you treat friends."
This is exactly how my FI and I are. We are an "all" couple. We share our feelings, even the bad ones, but in a constructive way. He knows all the deep, dark, and dirty things about me and likewise. It’s funny because I just had my bridal shower over the weekend and I couldn’t answer a lot of the questions that were about him like his first pet’s name or his favorite color–because I know too much about him! He has three colors he calls his favorite and they picked just one!
Sometimes it can be hard to share so much of yourself with another person–but to us included in the title of husband and wife is also best friend and confidante.
Post # 10
Yep! For example, if my butt WAS Getting a little big, I don’t want him to be like, "babe your a$$ is getting bigger" the way my mom would. I want him to be like "Hmm I think you’re putting on a few. I can’t bounce quarters off it anymore"
There IS a difference to me. That probably wasn’t the intention of the thread, but it’s just food for thought. I really hope that we both work hard at maintaining that sort of attitude towards each other.
Post # 11
From the comment ejs made – I think sharing negative things about the other person can be included in the thread. Maybe you’re in the camp of sharing everything but being careful how you phrase it?
I think there’s a lot of different variations on this theme, not just two distinct sides, so feel free to say exactly what you and your significant other’s boundaries are (are all topics discussed if they are discussed respectfully? Or are there some subjects that should be completely avoided? Is it ok to discuss general events but not details? Should the listener have to listen even if the topic makes him/her uncomfortable? etc…)
I also think that West Coast Bride ponted out a confusing point in my language. Consider "all or nothing" to be more an "everything goes" type, and the opposite would be the "a woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets" type. I’m not sure if I made that less confusing… (P.S. 10 bonus points to the person who knows what movie that quote is from. 😉
Post # 12
We are an "all" couple. I’m sure there are things we haven’t told one another yet, as amandoplis said because we just haven’t thought of it. But I’ve told him stuff that nobody else knows about me, and he’s shared things with me that he has never told anyone else.
Since I tend to be very outspoken, I do agree with West Coast Bride (having learned the hard way…lol) "…not every thought needs a voice!"
Post # 13
Yes, i’d definitely say that Mrs. Spring. You know there is always a way to say something negative without hurting the other person…and as time goes on (look at your parents ladies!) don’t they tend to say things so bluntly they shock you? My dad says things to my mom sometimes and i wanna be like, "where’s the please? the thank you?" etc etc.
I think some things COULD be completely off-topic. For instance an abusive childhood or something. I know for us, we discuss lots of "explosive" topics, right down to abortion and civil rights and stuff. I won’t go into detail, and although we do disagree on some minor points, we are respectful in our discussions.
"should the listener have to listen even if the topic makes him uncomfortable?"
~Yes, FI, you DO have to listen to me B*Ch about my cramps and how my period is so bad right now
And I think it’s ok not to discuss details but to "dance around the topic". I KNOW my FI’s been with two other girls. I don’t need to know how good it was with them or what they did to him and/or what he liked about it and the whole nine yards. Those kind of details=bad!!!!
I think things get really loaded when it’s about sexual pasts, obviously =]. But I don’t believe that our hearts should be deep secretive oceans either. You can get ot the point where you are omitting so much about yourself that I think you create a facade for your FI and he doesn’t truly know who you are
Post # 14
Like Kate and Leo 😉 we are an all couple, but with some limits. We try to be very respectful. I think it is very important to share and feel comfortable, while also being kind towards one another. This is something I work on a lot since I tend to blurt things out and I’m such a verbal processor. My FI was very used to doing everything on his own before I came along, so it is harder for him and whenever a point of conflict comes up he’s like "we just won’t talk about it" and I’m all "YOU’RE MARRYING A TRAINED THERAPIST! We must talk! About everything!" It is a joke, for the most part. Kind of.
I’m always amazed when people talk about something bugging them and they just hold it back for a long time. I really feel it is important to share, moving towards growing and accepting one another and if there is an issue, moving towards resolution!
Post # 15
Woot, woot! 10 points to mambinki!
Post # 16
Ha Ha….the movie quote actually DID clarify:-)