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For some reason, I am super stressing over this whole not having another baby thing. I have the daughter I always wanted (she is six) and FI has a son that lives with us 1/3 of the time.
The problem is, he's only with us 1/3 of the time. Which means the other 2/3 of the time, she is an only child.
I'm stressing over nothing right? Plenty of people are only children and they grow up to have happy, socially fulfilling lives right?
(please don't take offense. this is obviously a bit tongue in cheek).
I am an only child and I'm completely normal. Yes, I am more mature than a lot of people my age because mostly I spent time with adults and not other kids but that's fine.
I am an only child, and I wouldn't say there was anything wrong with me, but after growing up as one I would not intentionally do it to my kid. I just didn't really like it. I don't think I suffered any irreparable damage, it just wouldn't have been my preference.
FWIW, I would have glady taken a part time stepbrother over nothing.
I was an only/oldest/youngest and turned out fine. Let me explain. I'm my Dad's only, so from 9th grade on, I lived with him and my first stepmom. I'm my mom's oldest, so I'd visit my (half) brother and sister at her house which wasn't often when I was little, but more when I could drive. And I was raised by my Dad's parents until 9th grade. They have 4 boys, the youngest of which is 7 years older than me. My Dad's 3 younger brothers are all like my brothers.
Basically, if someone who has such a confusing family as me can turn out okay, then anyone has the chance, especially when they have a loving mother and stepfather as you and your FI.
I'm an only child and completely fine. The only thing I might be a bit weird with is that I tend to be more mature and comfortable with adults than with people my own age, like MissAsB.
Other than that...I'm perfectly normal, or so I think!
lol, no offense taken!
I am an only child. I suppose some people might disagree, but I tend to think I turned out ok. ;)
Benefits of being an "only":
Downsides:
I don't think I was at all spoiled, but this also has to do with the fact that my parents divorced when I was 7. It's awfully hard to think of yourself as the center of the world when your world is falling apart. :/ But all of that has made me who I am today.
Annabelle is already very mature for her age. I think most children of young, single mothers are.
She is very close to my sister's kids but I just worry she'll get lonely at home. We're moving a half hour from my family when we always lived next door.
Well, I have four younger brothers, but J is an only child. He absolutely loves the fact that he is. He's such a goodie two shoes too in some aspects, but of course everyone is mischievous in their own way. He thinks being the only child is the way to be.
My husband was an only child and our daughter will be as well. He doesn't feel like he missed out, he had tons of friends and a couple of best friends who are like brothers.
I've had people say "But what if something happens to you guys!" but that just isn't enough of a reason to have another baby. She will have a loving family and tons of cousins, I honestly in my heart believe she will be totally OK.
Another only child here!! I think I'm pretty normal. :)
I do have some issues with sharing though, I'll admit it. I also suck at being a "good sport" when losing at board games/video games/sports/etc.
But other than that, cool as a cucumer! Being an only child rocks, you get all the attention ;)
P.S. I'm also the only grandchild on my dad's side and share my maternal grandparents with one other cousin who is 11 years older than me, so I was an "only" in a ALOT of different was.
I am not an only child, but I just wanted to point out that a half-sibling that is around 1/3 of the time is still VERY much a sibling. I know why it may seem to you that your daughter is more of an only child, but I doubt she will see it this way. My half-brother was only around a couple weekends a month, some holidays, and maybe a few summers, but most of my childhood memories involve him and we are very close. Had he been my only sibling, I don't think I would've felt like an only child. This, even though he is 7 years older than me. To me having a sibling is about having a friend for life and someone that you can bounce your reactions about your family off of. Sometimes I really needed someone that intimately understood the workings of my family to make me feel like I wasn't crazy for feeling angry, sad, or whatever. My half-brother has been there for me in this way just as much as my sister, and that's what having a sibling is all about. Just some musings. I hope this makes you feel a little better.
I realize that it's pretty early to start thinking of such things, but in the past few years DH and I have had cause to think about what our role will be in caring for elderly family members on both sides. It's made both of us very grateful that we each have a sibling as well as cousins to help share the responsbility and the decision-making. There's no reason that an only child couldn't handle this, and I think ALL parents should work hard at keeping their affairs generally in order and planning for the future, but I think it's especiallly good for parents of only children to make sure they have support systems other than their child for their health, financial, etc. needs.
I am an only/youngest. I have three older half sisters and when I was young they lived with us but from about kindergarten/elementary school on they were out of the house and I was on my own. Unlike PP I am super shy but very independant. I have a few very close friends and prefer to keep it that way. I know as a kid I really wanted siblings my age but now that I am older I am very thankful for my childhood.
I think the only reason why being an only child could have it's downsides would be if the parents are too overprotective and don't really allow their child around other kids (so they don't know how to relate to their peers), otherwise I'm sure it's totally fine.
It may be a little bit lonely but then again I'm the oldest of four kids so I'm used to chaos. Personally I think it's kind of nice to have those people that will always be in my life - but some siblings don't talk or get along at all so there's not that bond regardless.
I'm an only child and turned out quite ok. I didn't mind it at all when I was a kid and teenager; I had friends and I also enjoyed alone time to read and stuff.
It's today that I miss having siblings as I will never understand these relationships, and as I approach starting my own family, I'm kinda sad that my kids won't have aunts or uncles, or cousins.. I'm also a bit scared that I'm the only one in charge of everything if/when my parents get health issues and die.
So, I will not be having only one child; but as a kid, it was fun. As others have mentioned, I matured early thanks to being around adults so much.
I pretty much consider myself an only child- I have half siblings who are 10, 12, and 16 years younger than me. I had already developed the only child mentality by the time they were born. Plus, my stepdad works nights, so I've pretty much always been the second parent.
I think I turned out just fine! I'm well adjusted, I get good grades, I have lots of friends, and I've maintained a loving relationship for the past 4 years. Like a lot of others have said, I am much more mature than most people my age, but that's not a bad thing! I'm 19 and I manage all my own finances, pay my own bills, and make responsible decisions. Although I generally relate better to my co-workers (ages 25-40) than my peers, I don't think it has hindered my social life. I still have fun with my friends- I just save the questions about joint savings accounts for work (small office with a family feel).
So to answer your question- your daughter will be fine! Just make sure you set up play dates with friends every once in a while to keep her interacting with people her own age.
I'm sorry if I impled that JuniorMrA is anything less than a full fledged sibling. Annabelle and him are thick as theives-they even call each other during the week.
Mr.ND is an only, and I think he's ok ;-) I do notice though that he wishes he had siblings. Thankfully he's a very outgoing guy and had a lot of cousins around his age, but he sometimes just doesn't understand the loyalty that me and the NDSibs have.
I really think that as long as an only child is well socialized, not too contained and is allowed to make mistakes (sort of like a 2nd or 3rd kid is in most families while the first is a bit overprotected), only kids are great :-) We plan on extras because I love my big fam and Mr.ND said he gets lonely, but he did love being an only.
Two of my best friends are both the only children in their families and they have a lot of things in common I think is a direct result of not having any siblings. First of all, they are both extremely successful and more mature than average for their ages. They also both seem to know everything (know-it-alls) I sometimes feel like they should go on Jeopardy.
The major downside which is probably unique to them is that they both also don't have any cousins or relatives their own age, so going home is really boring. And they tend to lean on their friends a lot, both were in sororities and are deathly afriad of turning down any social obligation. They both work full time, go to school part time and are out every single night of the week with friends. They're both also still single and not happy about it, I don't know if that has anything to do with being an only child, but it's an odd coincidence.
I agree with some of the others who mentioned the issues surrounding dealing with illness/aging of your parents. I think that's a really hard burden to handle alone. My grandmother has just had to be moved into assisted living and it requires a lot of work and money to make sure that she is well taken care of. My grandmother has the money saved, but doesn't have the faculties to actually pay all the bills, etc. It has been really hard on my mom and I don't know she would get through it all if she didn't have her sisters to help. No one else perfectly understands the emotions they are going through except for the three of them. I have a good friend whose grandparents are also ailing and her mom is an only child so she is taking care of them by herself. And she says all the time how hard it is. She basically begs my friend to be sure she never has an only child so that they don't have to deal with things like that alone.
We're only planning on having one child also. I feel a bit weird about it (I have a sister) but it is how it's going to be. A bunch of my friends and my sister are all TTC right now so my child should have a lot of other kids around his/her age, including cousins.
I think family events are the worst without a sibling, but if you have a close cousin, it's very similar.
I don't think you have anything to worry about. She has her step-brother who she seems very close with, and she also has cousins! While she might not see them as often as a sibling, it helps with her social interaction with other children!
My SIL was an only child, and she's one of the sweetest and most genuine people I know. Don't worry, with a mom like you and a step-dad like your FI, I'm sure she'll turn out fantastic!
I also wanted to note that just because you have siblings doesn't mean that they will help with ailing parents. So that's not always the best reasoning to have more than one child. My grandmother lived until she was 92 and lived with my mom and dad. My aunt did nothing to help out with her, and I think it was worse on my mom knowing that she had a sister who wouldn't come to help out. I think it made her resent her sister more for not pitching in.
@2PeasinaPod: Thanks :)
I mean I know she is used to it being just me and her so the addition of stepfather and stepbrother has been huge for her.
I'm glad to hear everyone turned out OK.
@mightywombat: I completely agree with your list of advantages/disadvantages.
I was very happy being an only child and I really do not wish it were different. I also want to have one child and people give me such a hard time about it- so this thread is very interesting for me to read...
I am frustrated with the idea that being or having an only child is ALL BAD. It's just not.
I was an only child until I was 16 when my mom's ex-husbands son moved in with us, he was 14. Then I got another brother when I was 18 as mom had another baby. And now I have a new 14 year old brother from her new husband's previous relationship.
I don't think that being an only child until I was 16 affected my socialness. I've always been a social butterfly, and I think that stems from how I was raised. My mom is very social and so is my grandma and most of the girls in my family. I never felt like I was an only child because I always played with my cousins and had many close friends growing up. I grew up in a VERY small town, so there was an abundance of pseudosiblings for me.
Also, I think a person's level of socialness stems from their personality as an individual person. My SO has a brother and a sister and is one of the most introverted people I know, so siblings don't necessarily make a person more social.
Not only am I an only child, I was an only grandchild as well. I like to think that I turned out to be a normal, well - adjusted person. Graduated from college and lawschool, never been arrested, in jail, on drugs, or any of the other million things that could have gone wrong. Like the others, I have been more comfortable around adults from a very young age. Just make sure that your little one has boundaries and that there are rules that she needs to follow and she'll be fine.
I am not an only child so I can't speak from experience, but the problem I would have is not having a brother/sister (or both) to drive me nuts. If our parents were to die prematurely, we would be there for each other and band together.
My SIL has a little girl (also named annabelle!) and I don't think she's planning on anymore. My niece won't have that close companionship. Yes, she'll have friends- but there is a HUGE difference between a best friend/cousin and sibling you live with for the first 10-15 years of your life.
As an aside, all the only children I know are normal. The one thing that I find most have in common is a bit of selfishness/have things their way/strong need for friends in their lives (but lets face it, you don't have to be an only child to be selfish so that's debateable. I'm also pretty sure they would say I'm immature and silly for my age- I'm the oldest with two younger siblings).
I think only children (for the most part) turn out just fine. However, one of my best friend is an only child and she is definitely more spoiled and she gets mad at her friends when they dont have the time to hang out with her. I think its because she is used to people catering to her. Annabelle growing up with her stepbrother will be like her having a sibling. I guarantee that they will just treat each other like they are regular old brother and sister as they get older and into adulthood. They will enjoy having that companionship. As much as the financial aspect of only one child is a nice thought, I really enjoyed growing up with 2 brothers and think there are a lot of benefits of having siblings. My brothers and I are very close and my older brother and I hang out all the time - he even lived with us for a year last year. I like having siblings because I know they will be there for me no matter what. Not everyone's relationships are like that with siblings, but I think there is a bond there that cant be replaced by just friends. I think Annabelle will end up having the same type of bond with her step brother because they will have spent so much time together growing up!
I lived the life of an only child up until I was age 14 when my dad got remarried and my half-sister came along. I think it definitely does make a difference in your personality - I notice a difference in how I cope with issues - I am able to "self soothe" if you call it that rather than running to a sibling for help. I also notice my friends who have siblings to not know what to do with themselves when a sibling is out of town/unavailable to hang out... I love my alone time where I guess some people dread it since they are used to having people around.
I loved being an only child - I see myself as normal too! :)
I’m an only child and I think I turned out better than most non-only children I know. Sure, I can’t share (well, I CAN, I just don’t like to) and I can be pretty selfish at times but I was also much more mature than the other kids my age. My parents were far from rich when I was younger but we were comfortable and I never wanted for anything. If I would have had siblings, my life would have been very different. There were always kids around so it wasn’t like I never had interaction with people my own age. Actually, most of my “best friends” growing up were also only children.
Only now that I’m older do I think it would have been nice to have a sibling but if you would have asked me this before I was 18, my answer would have been “hell no”. I can honestly say that I have thoroughly enjoyed being an only child. My relationship with my mom is unlike most mother/daughter relationships. We’re incredibly close and I can tell her anything. Now that I’m older and she can’t boss me around anymore, she’s really one of my best friends.
We only plan to have one child. I’d rather devote all of my time to one kid than have to split it between multiple. Besides, after I experience child birth and years 1-3, I’m not going to want anything to do with another kid.
I'm an only child. Two issues i've had with it is; I felt lonely being the only one as a kid and would have liked to have someone else there. Looking back at me as a child although I was very chatty and outgoing, I feel my social skills weren't perhaps as good with friends who had siblings in that at school I wasn't good with being wound up or jibes as I would take them personally, perhaps with siblings I would've been less sensitive.
I'm not an only child, although I don't have a relationship with my sister and dont talk to my brother much. But it was different when we were younger.
I think there are pros and cons to every family dynamic. I do have close friends that were only children and yes, they turned out totally normal. One just finished grad school and is traveling the world. The other is a successful nurse. They both have lots of friends. One is really shy and one is super outgoing. I guess the only common theme I have noticed with these particular girls is that their moms definetly smothered them. Growing up it wasnt as noticeable, but as we got older it was really bad. And still is. But I dont think that applies to the majority of only children.
I'm not an only child, but I have also struggled with if I want to have more than 1 kid. I think you CAN be normal. However, all the only children I know were also spoiled and ended up not being very self-sufficient...more materialistic than most of my other friends who had to share with siblings or get handmedowns.
I can see the above posters point about it making them more mature, too, so I think it can either way depending on how you raise them. If my kiddo was an only child, I think we'd still try to foster, and he spends a ton of time with his cousin that's really close to him in age. (MIL nannies both of them.)
I really liked being an only child. However, I had no cousins my age which made family gatherings suck. I had a very special relationship with my parents that I don't think would have been possible had there been more kids.
I'm an only child but I have a stepbrother and halfsister on my dad's side... I actually LOVE my situation. I don't have to share my mom but I get some of the benefit of siblings (we grew up living together a little less than half of the time) as an adult. I didn't read through all the comments here so maybe this has already been said, but there was recently a Time magazine article about how being an only child gets a bad rap for no reason and that it's becoming a lot more common. Don't stress :)
Thanks for this post...I was wondering the same thing. Great discussion!
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