- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 2012
Limerence is a concept I came across recently and I was fascinated by it. Not so much about the existence of the state of limerence, of which I am intimately familiar and from which I am a life-long sufferer, but about the fact that there are “limerent” people and “non-limerent” people.
Limerence refers to a crush/infatuation, but it’s more than that. It’s a pattern that some people have of developing very intense crushes which they can carry on for a LONG time, often without acting on or confessing the crush because they would rather keep hope alive than risk rejection and have their fantasy destroyed. People in this state are always on the lookout for, and are very sensitive to, any signs of possible reciprocation from the “limerent object” (LO). Their thoughts can be dominated by the LO. They tend to live in a romantic fantasy world and would often rather dream about the LO than go out and actually date other people. There are apparently only three ways to get over this condition: 1) consummation (the limerent person and the LO get together and eventually the relationship settles into a normal routine), 2) brutal rejection by the LO that is unmistakable enough to destroy all shred of hope in the limerent person and 3) the limerent person transferring their attention to a new LO.
What fascinated me is to learn that there are people who have NEVER experienced this. What the what? From as early as 2nd grade I suffered from pathetic, consuming crushes on boys/men that are like what I described above. I never knew how to “date” in the sense of getting to know someone new as a potential romantic partner. My entire romantic history can be described like this: meeting someone in a non-romantic context, developing major feelings for him (sometimes seemingly out of nowhere), and hoping that it was mutual.
While new relationships are often “limerent” at the beginning, in the sense that the two people can’t stop thinking about each other and get it on all the time, I think there is a distinction to be made between people who are prone to developing romantic fixations and those who aren’t.
(I haven’t been in this state myself since my relationship with my FI has “settled” into a nice, normal one. But before we got together I was insanely limerent for him!)
So Bees, I ask, are you limerent?