Weddingbee boards

Yes, I am. This will be my first marriage but number two for my fiance. Do you ever feel like you are being compared to wife number one by your fiance or his parents? I feel like his parents really do love me but I just can't help and think what they think you know? Have any of you ladies been like this?

My fiance was engaged before... and that obviously didn't turn out well.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm a better fiance than she was, or if I treat him better.  You just have to assume that if he thought she was a better fiance or wife, then he'd still be with her.  As for the parents, I know their opinions are important, but if you have a good relationship with them, I wouldn't worry about it.  The more you stress over it, the more tense you are.  Just be yourself and you'll be fine!

@BrideMegan, I think you are right, I just shouldn't stress  :)

Thank you ladies for sharing, I really appreciate it! I realized I posted this under Encore, sorry! From what I have heard from his mom is that she didn't realize he wasn't happy with wife # 1 until I came along. She said he is a completely different guy with me. I know his parents didn't hate # 1 so maybe thats just it. His parents are divorced and I just feel like his dad had more in common with his last wife. Its been weird asking questions to FI about his last wedding too...haha

@Minutiae:

" That is a really weird feeling! Especially when you're broke and know that the first wedding was a huge fancy affair in a freaking castle. Ugh. FML."

I totally know where you are coming from. I'm broke as well and I have no money saved for my wedding so far. My mother has passed and I don't speak to my father, so I won't be getting any help from my family for the wedding, I obviously never expected to growing up with my circumstances, but for FI his parents helped pay a lot of his first wedding, since nows its Wife # 2 time, of course they cant help. But like I said I don't expect that. Also all of FI extended family lives in Iowa and since its wedding # 2 they won't be attending. His part of this guest list includes Immediate only...I've gotten over it but in the beginning I felt like since I'm # 2 I don't matter. 

I ask FI for advice because he HAS been there done that, but I also ask because I don't want ANY details the same or even CLOSE!

@o0olibelulao0o: I know what you mean! I ask stuff all the time because I don't want anything the same. He always says he forgot or never paid any attention to the details. Like her dress, the colors, the cost of stuff, etc, but I always wonder if he really forgot or chooses not to tell me... Hmm....

@Ms. Caniche: "Plus she is super ugly.... and I am not lying."

At least you don't have to worry! I have seen very few pictures of her and I feel like she could be more attractive then me...but FI says no, but he's supposed to say that!

@Minutiae & @stb:

Oh man, I am so glad for this post! I am #2 as well (not married, not even engaged, but we both know that's where it's going) but I know EXACTLY what you both are talking about. My only problem is, he's still very good friends with his ex. She owns her own health and fitness spa, she's perfectly tone and in shape, she is the NICEST human being on the face of the planet, their relationship was perfect, they never fought, she was a cheerleader and dance major at our university, their families get along and go on vacation together, etc....basically EVERYTHING I'm not. So it's super frustrating wondering how our relationship compares to theirs. They broke up because they were both married young (he was her first) and she wanted to see what else was out there. So it's not like they had problems or anything, it was just a case of marrying too young. In fact, she's happily married now, but STILL, talk about hard to live up to. We talk freely about their relationship, but I still have a sense of....I don't even know how to explain it.... I just don't want to be compared to her in anyway, by him or his family. It's unsettling for sure. Sometimes I just wish she was a raging you know what to make my life easier. lol But in reality it is really hard for me not to like her because she's been nothing but nice to me and him (honest to goodness nice, not fake). Talk about frustrating!

@RenoRose: I don't know how you would do it! The vacation thing....ugh.... I know FI dad (his mom and dad are both remarried) still talks to FI ex, which I don't know, it just bugs me. I'm not very close to his Dad and stepmom and I honestly don't ever see myself getting close to them, so knowing that FI ex was just bugs me. I honestly can't imagine being in your position. It has to be hard! It's those  nice people you have to hate! Growing up I always have wanted to go to Hawaii, when I got with FI I found out that him and his ex and FI whole family went on a trip to Hawaii for a MONTH! I'm so incredible jealous and i didn't even know him at the time. I have all these images in me head of them on the beach and being all romantic and crap. Needless to say, I NEVER want to go to Hawaii now... Its just all the little things, old memories...  His mom is really into family albums and she never throws pictures away....there are pictures of them still somewhere, I'm not sure if I want to see them! ...but I do?

@stb, it's hard trust me. But he tells me things like, "I have grown so much since that relationship and have changed in so many ways. There are ways we are so different now, and things that I want now that I've changed that I didn't get in that relationship." And I trust him about that.

They're "friends" in a sense that they'll get coffee every 6 months or so (or whatever). He's invested in her business and sometimes teaches pilates classes for her or does some of her personal training classes for her when she needs him to (like when she was getting married). But they're not CLOSE close, ya know? I don't think I would be able to handle it if they were close, or if she wasn't married.

He also tells me some things that bother him now about their relationship that he didn't notice at the time. Like how she was spoiled by her family and completely incapable of doing things on her own. And how she relied on him too heavily and was so dependant, etc... so I know in those ways I have one up on her.

But the personal trainer/cheerleader thing gets to me a little, because my BF is SO into fitness (it's huge to him) and I don't even own a gym membership. HaHa!! And I'm also not peppy or prissy like cheerleaders are, so, eh, it's intimidating a little bit, but whatever...I guess...lol

@RenoRose: I give my props to you. My situation is very different and I admire you for handling yours. I know FI is very happy with me and I believe him when he says it, its not what he says that makes me wonder, its all my random thoughts in my head that get me, which don't mean anything! I think its good you are not into the whole personal trainer thing, or the cheerleader thing, he probably wouldn't want to be with you if you were! It gives you guys things to talk about. 

@icy toes: I think thats awesome that you are both on #2. You have both been there done that so its not so touchy  :)

I will be wife #2 next month but his family seems to like me much better!  They also got married very young and had a child very young so it didnt' really help their situation.  My FI has to deal with her every day since they have a child together and usually they get along but are so much alike that they just butt heads.

I will be his #2 as well. Nobody liked his 1st wife..they were evenmarried for 7 yrs...She ended up cheating on him and telling him "I never loved you" to his face.

She was foreign and by marrying him she became a US resident....she supposedly got "pregnant" and then a month before they were to get married had a miscarriage....I feel bad if she really did have a miscarriage but a little part of me feels like she faked a pregnancy so he would marry her fast.

She was ugly...not lying...and from what his family tells me....she was literally kinda stupid lol. But oh well. My FI and I couldn't be happier...I just know not to get a dress like hers and not the same wedding colors. They didn't have a big wedding...not much thought into it.  But ours is going to be pretty extravagant compaired to his first.

@stb, oh TRUST ME, I have those thoughts too! Hahaha, don't think I'm in the clear of those. I know exactly what you're talking about. I have random malicious thoughts in my head that try to knock me down, make me worry, or over analyze ever detail of their relationship. I think that's natural though. You just gotta tell yourself, that you're being silly and that if things were SOOOO wonderful between them, then they'd still be together. But he's with you :) and for a reason!

I call those thoughts my stupid girl thoughts. We all have them. Just don't listen to em. :)

@Meg, wow thats tough. I feel like being #2 will take away from my full bride experience as well and it bums me out a little bit.

Although I know he would never do anything intentionally to make me feel that way, just the very fact that he was married before does that to me. Like you were saying about his parents cutting on the rehersal dinner because they've already paid for it once before-- well, although his parents didn't pay for his wedding before, hers did, and her parents were and still are "better off" so they had a huge elaborate 300+ guest list, fairy tale wedding. Well, my mom is a single mother and makes about $35,000 a year, so there's no way my wedding will be anything close to that. And I just don't want him thinking in his head things like, "well it's too bad we can't have a horse and carriage like (Hername) and I did" or anything along those lines, because I just can't live up to that.

So I just feel like my "new bride experience" is being taken from because part of that experience is sharing the new feeling and experience with your DH, and if he's done it before, it's not as new and exciting for the both of you, and that kind of bums me out. :(

Hi all,

I'm really sorry that some of you are in such tough situations!  (Girl next door!?  Yikes, Meg!  That must be rough!)   I've never been married before, but my FI was for 13 years.  They got married at 21 and 19, and although they stayed casual friends at first after the divorce, he recently found out (weeks after it happened) that she had put his beloved dog to sleep and did not even call so he could come say goodbye (they only live 20 minutes apart).   So that pretty much killed the "friend" situation.  It's funny, until this thread, I never thought about making sure I had a different dress or different wedding colors.  But I did see a few of his wedding pictures and I can tell she and I have very different tastes :)  However, I have to admit that when I found out the silverware he has (we live together) was one of their wedding presents, I suddenly felt inspired to register for a new set :)  Every now and then he says how he wishes they hadn't stayed married for so long, or wishes that this wasn't his second time.  I feel bad that they had a rocky marriage, and I certainly don't want to make light of it, but in a "Sliding Doors" sort-of way,if they hadn't been married for 13 years, he probably would have found someone else long before me.  So really, I should send her a thank you card for keeping him "off the market" until a few months before we met. 

Anyway, chins up, everyone!  I know the comparisons must be incredibly hard to deal with, but remember, he chose you!  (And vice versa, of course--we all get a choice in it too!)

I am SO glad that you posted this. i really dont like being wife number 2 but my story is the same as ella and mighty saphire. the girl totally screwed him over, and was just plain mean. the family couldnt stand here. even he didnt know why they got married in the end. but i dont like having to ask him questions about the first wedding, because he made the point that he didnt want anything to be like the first wedding, but that is also kinda hard. but anyways, im very glad someone else has felt this way and thought the same things. our relationship though is very good. so i dont feel bad about anything. but in some ways his ex and i resemble each other and our names both start with the same letter, so sometimes his grandparents or people i meet for the first time call me her and thats upsetting. but, i know we're good and he loves me not her :)

Thank you ladies! You made me think about the positive side of things, which is good of course! There are positives of course :) If he wasn't ever with wife #1 I know for a fact we wouldn't be together today and he wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with. After reading everyones posts it has really helped me think about both sides and laugh a little at everything, the good and bad. It's one of those things that you just can't let it get to you and if you do, you could be the one to mess everything up. FI always tells me (when I mention something about wife # 1) that he did in fact choose to be with me and not her. If he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't have divorced her. I know, I know I always say! I know he truly loves me and I would let him have any number of past marriages if it still meant I could be with him today. :)

I agree, this is a great post!  I don't have any friends in the same boat, so it's really nice to see what the hive thinks.  And so many of you are handling difficult situations really gracefully!

I do have one more story.  I'm in grad school, and this past weekend we took a group of visiting prospective students out to dinner to talk about the program.  I wound up seated next to a guy whose undergrad advisor at a school 3000 miles away is my ex-boyfriend.  My FI was also at the table, so we both got to hear the prospective student go on and on about how he "worshiped" my ex.  He kept asking questions like "WOW!  What's he do in real life?  What does he do on a date?  Where did he take you?  I bet he's lots of fun on dates!"  To which I replied, "we watched tivo-ed Magnum, P.I., episodes almost every night for 2 1/2 years."  The next night we went to a book signing by FI's favorite author.  When we got to the front of the line, he told the author, "my ex-wife kept all our signed copies of your books so I bought new ones."  The author, with a completely straight face, said "that bitch."  And he said something about how FI was probably better off now, even if he lost the books.  I said "I agree."  Anyway--today, on the author's Facebook fan page, a fan has posted a picture of the author at the same book signing, posing while signing another fan's book.  And that's right, the fan is the ex-wife.  So she was there with us, and we never saw her!  Too funny.  Small world.  But of course it was yet another reminder that hey, we've all had different lives and experiences, all of which have helped make us who we are today.  So what if my ex-boyfriend is a socially-awkward cheater whose current over-eager student hero-worships him?  And so what FI's ex-wife stole his signed books and put his dog to sleep without telling him?  (Scratch that last part--that is something to care about, of course.)  My point is that, for better or worse, if we hadn't dated/married those other people first, we might not never have wound up single at the same time and might never have wound up together.  It's not the road I was expecting, but it's the one I'm thrilled to have wound up on, and I wouldn't change a thing if it kept me from reaching where I am now.   (Sorry, end of after-school-special type sappy message for the day! :) )  Of course that's easy for me to say, considering I haven't had to face the same pressures from neighbors/family/friends that some of you have to deal with, so let me just say, I admire you all for handling it so well!

@WeeBirdy, you are absolutely right! I tell my BF that all the time, that I am glad we ended up single at the same time, because "the universe conspired to get us together."  It's funny how things work out, but obviously it worked out in the favor of everyone posting in this thread. :)

@RenoRose, exactly!  And hooray for all of us! :)