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the first time i spent holidays w/my boyfriend's family, my mom was upset. my mom is my only family really and i am an only child, so i totally understood her side. it was really difficult to do, but unfortunately, if you really think this guy is the one, you have to tell her that you two need to make a compromise. obviously spending time with his family is important to you, so you should express that, but also let her know you want to make it up to her somehow, and that you would hope that you and your bf and your family can have a celebration together and maybe next year your bf can spend the holidays with your family. or propose both families doing a holiday together.
we usually trade off - one holiday with family, the other with mine. although he'll generally go home right after christmas anyway if he stays with me through christmas day.
trust me, she's your mom and she wants to see you happy, so she's not going be upset with you forever. you just have to coddle her a bit and let her know you're not abandoning her and it's not a matter of putting his family over yours. these things have a way of working themselves out...
Mmmm yeah. Luckily our families only live about 45 minutes apart, so we could conceivably do both. That's what we're doing for Thanksgiving, but Christmas will be more tricky. We've opted to do Christmas eve with one family, Christmas day with the other, and switch off every year. Honestly, I've never been away from home for Christmas and I know it's just a day, but it means so much to my Mom so it breaks my heart a bit. But FI has been away for loads of Christmases while in the Army, so I'm happy to do this for him.
My FI and I have dated 8 years and despite that long time we've never spent the holidays together. His birthday is December 24th so he always goes to his parent's house. We didn't really consider spending the holidays together until we were engaged. Now that we are I'm having a hard time dealing with the shared holidays thing. It sucks because Christmas Eve is his birthday and his family treats it just like that.. it's only his birthday. Then they do all the Christmas stuff on the 25th. I was asking him if we could go to his family's house the 23rd and 24th and then come to my parents for the 24th and 25th. I'm an only child from a small family so not being there would literally kill my mother. It's such a bad situation. I've tried to get him to talk about it but he says we have time. That's his answer for everything lol :)
my BF does not want to come spend Christmas with my family even though last year he promised he would because I spent last Christmas with his. I'm really upset about it and think he is being selfish. I would rather not spend the holiday at home because it is cramped and we do not do anything special. I'm trying to figure out how to compromise... sigh. I was planning on going home for Thanksgiving, but now I am spending it with his family and my mom is so upset that she is trying to her hardest to make me angry with him..
We're splitting up this Christmas... next Christmas, I have no idea what we'll do because we'll be married then. The thought of spending Christmas away from my parents makes me sick, but I don't want to be selfish.
Last year was the worst Christmas ever due to this problem. We both come from divorced families which makes it that much harder. Throw in a mother in lae who plans things without considering anybody else and it makes for a rough time,
His mom is noctorius for picking times that are convenient for her and only her. She will pick the early after noon so instead of being able to see one family in the morning and one in the after noon we are left having to choose. Last year I went with his family and missed out on my traditions with my family. We got there to hear about how the rest of them got together with younger sister and BF the night before also.
I think this year we are going with the mind frame that if we can make it great, if not we'll see you another time.
We've got a similar issue... BF just moved down from NY less than 6 months ago and hasn't spent a holiday with his family in over 3 yrs because they always came down here and he couldn't due to work or other situations. I on the other hand have been home for the holidays the past 2 yrs but missed several before that. We live in the middle of my family and his but its still tricky... We're opting for a noonish Thanksgiving with my side and then driving the 2 hours for a 4 or 5ish Thanksgiving with his family... Christmas will be trickier I'm sure since We're not quite sure of where or when his family is celebrating... We may have to split up for Christmas this year but I certainly hope not since its the first one we're celebrating together as well since he's finally down here now...
In the past my brother or my uncle has had a similar situation to yours and my family moved our family Thanksgiving to the Saturday before or after... Afterall the holiday isn't about the specific day- its about enjoying the time as the family. GoodLuck in whatever you choose.
We actually don't pick - we stay at home where *we* live and have alternated parents coming to us. If they can't come, then we don't see them. For us, it's about building our own family together, and there are so many divorces/moves/remarriages in our family that we get pulled in too many different directions and don't enjoy our holidays unless we stay put and let them come to us. Yes, it's caused so irritation (from my mother, natch) but I kinda look at it as I'm an adult now and get to plan my time the way I want!
Does anyone do thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other? This is our first year spending the holidays together and this is what my FI proposed. But I'm not sure it's fair, because Christmas seems more important/longer than Thanksgiving...
Another complication: divorces, remarriages, and step-family! Altogether we have 5 or 6 different sets of family members in the area that we could conceivably see. I can't wait until we have our own place together so we can adopt aplusb's approach!
We decided to spend Thanksgiving with my family and try to spend Christmas with his family. I'm not excited. I just got a call from my grandma (who only calls when she wants something) that really annoyed me. I live 3 hours away from my family. I moved down here for college and I go to my parents' rarely. I'm taking 15 hours at school (major is accounting) and working 20-25 hours, sometimes more, each week. So there isn't much time for visiting...
This is how the call went:
*Ring*
Me: "Hello?"
Gma: "Hi, are you busy?"
Me: "Yes."
Gma: "You are?" (With an incredulous tone.)
Me: "Yes. I am."
Gma: "Well, I was going to ask you what kind of gift certificate you want for Christmas."
Me: "I don't know."
Gma: "Well, we can talk about it at Thanksgiving, if you're actually going to come."
Me: "Okay."
Gma: "Are you coming up?"
Me: "Yeah. I'm trying to get my schoolwork done so I can stay for more than 2 hours."
Gma: (snarkily) "Well, that'd be a nice change."
UGH! I just feel like crying. I don't enjoy not seeing my family and I love to visit but when I do they all make several comments about how I never visit and if I do I spend all my time with my friends. (Um, false.) And they get mad if I bring SO and start questioning the state of our relationship digging for juicy gossip if I don't bring him along... :(
My fiance lucks out- my parents moved several states away a few years ago so we spend every holiday with his family. Even before then he always wanted to spend every holiday with his family, no splitting up really. Either I went with him or I didn't. He did do a few holidays with my family to be fair.
akennedy - i'm sorry, what a tough conversation to have! sometimes with family you just have to smile and nod, and move on. i hope your Thanksgiving is a good one anyways!
This was the most difficult issue in our relationship not long ago. I think spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas with either family isn't fair to the other set of parents. There are other options if it's important to get to know them better, like an extended stay during Christmas, taking a week of vacation together in summer, having them visit you, etc.
We are doing Christmas at his house and Thanksgiving at mine and will be switching off each year. Yes, Christmas is a bigger deal so it's not exactly an even split, but I think switching each year makes it fair.
Akennedy, I think spending Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his is a fair compromise, and perhaps you can alternate every year. Hopefully if you sit down with your mom and explain the predicament you're in and explain that you're doing your best to balance the needs of both families she'll come around. Good luck!
This is a fight every year with us. My mom is incredibly unreasonable when it comes to the holidays. She thinks that b/c she does Thanksgiving on Saturday and "lets" all of her kids do their own things with their inlaws that means she can always claim Christmas Day. Then my hubby feels like we're slighting his family. I love the holidays, but hate them all in the same b/c she totally stresses me out over them!
Ugh, Christmas is always rough for us. Both our families live in the same state (not the state we live in), but four hours apart. So, it's close, but it's still a long drive after an eight hour drive from where we live. For the past four years, we've always gone to his parent's house first because they're closer, and then drive to my mom's house for a couple days, then drive home. It's EXHAUSTING and it almost doesn't feel like a holiday because we're constantly on the move.
This year, my husband and I decided to only visit his family, and we hoped that because I also have close family in his parent's town, my mom and sister would drive the four hours to be with us and stay with my Aunt (her sister, they're very close). I told my mom our plans, and she got upset and declared that she doesn't travel for Christmas because it takes the joy out of the holidays! I explained that every year, everyone has traveled to her house for even longer than we have, and this year, because we just had the wedding, because we already have to drive eight hours and because it's our first Christmas as a married couple we just can't make it to both houses. But my mom refuses to make the trip, which makes me really sad (she's so strange about the holidays and refuses to not let her house be the center of all the action). But, that's her choice, so I'm moving on and planning a happy Christmas with his family and my Aunt and Uncle (who are like my second parents).
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This is the second round of holidays in SO and I's 14 month relationship. Last year, we hadn't been dating long and spent the holidays with our own families. I personally want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family (13 hours away). My mom is LIVID. She thinks that I need to be at her house for the holidays. (Background: I moved to KY 1.5 years ago, live with SO, we just bought a house.) I feel like this is the only time we get several days off from work and can make the long trip to visit his family. We live less than 3 hours from my parents so we can see them whenever. We need more than a weekend to be able to spend time with his family. I've only met them twice and I want to get to know them better and for them to get to know me better. I asked my mom how she would feel if my brother were living 13 hours away with a girl, thinking about marrying her, and my mother had only met her twice. She's still mad. I can understand her side but I still feel it's important to spend the holidays with his family. How do you handle things like this? Have you had issues with figuring out how to spend your holidays?