Post # 1
I am very frustrated with wedding planning. From day 1 my mom has alluded that her and my dad will help us with the cost of the wedding, but she will not give me an actual figure of how much. Because she is being vague, I am planning the wedding on the assumption that FI and I will be paying for everything. This is causing a lot of strife between my mother and I.
There are things that she wants me to have or buy, that I don’t want to pay for or cannot afford, and when I tell her that it’s not in my budget her response is always, “don’t worry about it, we’ll help out.”
I just can’t seem to make her understand, that unless I have a check in hand, I am not going to assume that anyone is going to contribute anything. And if that means I won’t have a pro photographer or a large guest list, then so be it.
For bee’s who’s parents are paying for some of the wedding, how are they handling it? Did they commit to a dollar amount, say they would pay for specific things, like your dress for example, or are they being vague like my parent’s?
Post # 3
My mom said how much she & my sis are giving me as a gift. It’s not a contribution to the wedding, it’s a no strings attached gift, but it still really helps with the planning that she said that. I don’t know if she would have, but I complain about the money/# guests a LOT.
FI’s mom said she would pay for all of her guests. We’re not really going to hold her to it, but it gave us a sense of the amount to expect from her.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Both of our parents are not helping with paying for the wedding (with the exception of the dress; my mom wanted to help and ended up paying for it sans the alterations). I think the next time you talk to your mother about wedding planning and she frustrates you “don’t worry, we’ll help out,” you need to be firm with her and ask how much “help” she is going to provide. That is the only way you guys are going to be able to create a budget and stick with it.
Post # 5
@HoneysHoney: “Because she is being vague, I am planning the wedding on the assumption that FI and I will be paying for everything.
You are being very wise! There are so many stories on here where the parents backed out, didn’t come up with the funds, and just promised the moon. Planning what you can afford it the wisest. If they do donate, then great, it’s like a bonus or a wedding gift!
Post # 6
My parents started out being super vague like yours, and it was stressing me out for the exact same reason. I told them I wasn’t signing any contracts or making any deposits until I knew for sure that we would be able to follow through with the cost, either with or without help. I finally just sat my parents down, explained my concerns, and told them that if they were going to commit to helping, I at least needed to know the bare minimum amount of money I could count on getting. Eventually, everyone just took things that were up for grabs. My mom is paying for catering, my dad is responsible for decorations, and my grandma wanted to pay for the cake and invitations. I think your concern is very valid and that you can’t plan a wedding without a set budget in mind. I would definitely sit down with your mom and talk to her about it again, hopefully she will understand 🙂
Post # 7
My mom just buys small things for the wedding. She purchased alot of the wedding accessories (guest book, toasting glasses, ribbon, alot of small things you can find at Hobby Lobby). She also put the deposit down on my dress but I paid the rest. So I would say she’s paying for about 10% of the wedding, I’m paying 60% and FI is paying 30%.
Post # 8
I think it is very smart of you to plan as if you are paying on your own. You do not want to plan for funds you don’t have, you can get so hurt in the end by that.
My parents gave us a number and told me anything over it, FI and I will have to cover. I would sit your mom down for a serious discussion about the budget and find out exactly what she means about “help out”. I know people who’s parents paid for certain items (the dress, flowers, venue, etc) and then they covered the other things.
Post # 9
@HoneysHoney: unless you sit down with your mom and work out how much she will be willing to support, I would continue on as if you are paying for it yourself. Right off the bat, my parents and I developed a budget, and then I worked with my planner to make everything fit in under that.
Arbitrary planning without a firm budget will likely mean you’ll end up spending more than you wanted to.
Post # 10
@HoneysHoney: I think you are wise in going with the assumption right now that you and your FI should plan your wedding like the two of you are paying for it yourself. And as for the expensive things that your mom is suggesting to you, I wouldn’t buy it unless it is something you really want, it fits in the theme of your wedding, and you can afford whatever it is. I know with me and my FI when we looked at venues we went off the assumption that the two of us were paying for everything. We looked all weekend and we kept his parents in the loop. By the end of the weekend they asked us if we had found a venue yet and that is when my FI’s dad offered to cover the reception. My FI didn’t want to accept his money but when his dad explained that that he wanted us to save that money that would have gone towards the reception towards our future (house, etc) and let him cover the reception. My mom can’t afford too much to help with our wedding but she did surprise me by buying my dress which was such a wonderful gift because she was there to help me pick a dress. I would reccommend that you and your FI sit down with your parents and discuss what you planned so far and what the cost is. I would ask them that if they are still willing to help, what would they be willing to help with. Maybe it will be the flowers, the venue, etc. That way you can find out what is going on and maybe get a more straight answer. 6 months before the wedding, I would want to know what my budget really looks like. Are your FI’s parents helping out too? Good luck and happy planning. 🙂
Post # 11
My parents won’t give us a budget at all either, but they are paying for the whole thing. So I never really know how much is too much. Ask them if there are certain aspects of the wedding (dress, venue, flowers, etc) that they want to cover and what you will cover.
Post # 12
My mother is paying for almost our entire wedding, but I am an only child and we are having a small wedding (50ish guests). FI and I have paid/will pay for my dress, shoes, makeup, bridesmaid & groomsmen gifts, wedding bands, tuxes, and photographer. Leaving the venue, catering, music, lighting, officiant, florist and lodging for our 50 guests to my mom. We didn’t discuss a total budget per se, we are just choosing options one at a time and she decides if she feels its reasonable or not for that particular service/item. She hasn’t given me the money to pay for things directly, she handles all of those contracts & reservations herself. I have found this to be the easiest way.
Do you bring your parents along for consultations? For instance if you take them to the florist with you then they may just make their move when the quote is given. It might save the awkwardness of having to directly ask for money or how much they’re planning to spend. My mother has attended most of our consultations and tends to just write a check to reserve the services at the end of the meeting. Just like you, if my parents didn’t outright state a budget or pay for things right away then I would be a little nervous and plan as if me and my fiance were responsible for paying all of it rather than assuming you’re getting a certain amount of assistance and being stuck later.
Post # 13
Honestly this is exactly my situation at the moment with my Fiances parents! They’ve said the same thing, and I’ve said the same thing to my fiance, Unless we have the check or money in hand, I am not assuming any help is coming our way!
I don’t understand offering help without giving a figure… If my future children ever get married, I will make it easy on them!
Post # 14
My parents gave us a set amount, and a check. It was us to disperse the money as we saw fit.
Post # 15
Mine aren’t paying for anything (except I have a feeling my mom will want to pay for my dress because she did the same for my sister) but I think you need to just flat out ask. It may seem rude but if you explain that you can’t afford some things on your own and that them saying “we’ll help” DOESN’T actually help unless you know a figure, they’ll get it a little bit more.
Post # 16
I am in the exact same situation as you! Both my Dad and his Parents have told us many times they are going to help us out and not to worry. I am running on a blind budget and it is driving me nuts! At this point, we are just preparing to pay for everything!