FI and I have decided to allow spanking to be a part of our disciplining for our child/future children. Not on an every day/every time they step out of line type thing. More like a last resort, or if they are doing anything that may harm themselves or others, (i.e. running out into the road by themselves) or blatantly disrespecting/pushing buttons towards FI and I (when they are a little older, say 5-6, and know better but are choosing to conitnue behavior anyways)
This is not a question on whether it is right or wrong. I hope this does not turn into a bad parent if you do, bad parent if you don't debate. Just wanting to get some inside on what some others plan to do as their discipline.
If you do not plan to spank what alternatives do you plan to use?
Do you have any experiences being raised by spanking parents? Good? bad?
My parent's spanked me for a lot of the same reasons FI and I plan to as necessary. I learned very quickly not to run into the road, not to throw things at the heads of my brother's and sister's and that public tantrums are NOT tolerated. I don't feel that I was ever beaten. Nor was I spanked without, what I now believe, is good reason. I also, think that some of those lessons I would not have digested well enough had I not been spanked for it.
Also, how you (general you) choose to raise your children is your business and yours alone. If you just wish to vote in the poll, comments are not necessary. Please, no bashing each other ladies. :-)
I was spanked as a kid and i'm not 100% against it but I don't thinik it's necessary. I think you can talk to your child and figure out what works best as discipline with them instead of using fear to teach them a lesson. My mom used to use a belt on me and it really didn't do anything except make me mad. What really got my attention was when she took away my computer, cell phone, car, etc.
I don't want my kids to be afraid of me like I was of my mom when she got mad. It's not a way to live.
ETA: My husband was punished a little too severe for my liking and i'm concerned that if I allowed spanking in my house it could turn into something really violent. I love my husband to death but he acts quickly when he's angry and I don't want spanking as an option.
No, I don't believe in corporal punishment. I know I will be a fairly strict parent though. There will be timeouts and other consequences.
My parents did not spank.
I voted "We don't know yet" because we've discussed it several times and we always disagree. DH was spanked as a kid and he believes it can be an important disciplinary tool in certain situations. I was not spanked and I see it as cruel. I would never want to intentionally cause my child pain, no matter how bad they've been. So we're continuing to struggle with this issue.
@Birdee106: +1
I will not spank because my dad did. My mom used time outs instead. I listened to my mom better, and until I was much older I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. I have to think it had something to do with him always being the "bad cop"
We will spank, but only as a last resort, and only as a controlled, calm punishment. We will never hit our child impulsively or out of anger.
@Birdee106: This is mostly for younger children. If we use spanking it will be used between 3-maybe 7 years old or so. I don't plan to allow my 6 year old to have a car, computer, phone etc. so what other ways of discipline do you intend to use for those ages? Curiosity so that I may use some of those ideas for my child/children.
@sarahbabs: And that's what we plan to use it for. Not a "fear me as I am parent" type thing. I never "feared" my parents due to the few and far between spankings I received. I feared that spanking and most definitely decided I would never do those things again. And didn't
I'm more open to it as a last resort than DH is so I voted "it's not out of the question". I was spanked as a child (only my mother ever did it) and I'm not scarred or anything. Timeouts weren't really that effective with me and my little brother would have been run over by a car if she hadn't spanked him a few times.
@FutureMrsPuckett: I think time outs are really good for young kids. Take away their toys. Don't let them watch tv. Anything other than fear. You have to show them that you love them but they acted poorly so they don't get to do what they want for awhile. All spanking teachs them is that mom/dad is mad and they hit when they are mad. If you're bad then you should be punished with violence.
FI and I believe sometimes a little smack does more than trying to rationalize with a child can. That said, IMO, it's not something that's to be done unless there are certain conditions, and I don't think it is something I'd ever do once the child is older than 8ish. I do feel like this generation of children feels more entitled and more ready to challenge authority than I ever was as a kid, and sometimes a smack says just that; What I say goes, end of story. Sometimes, it really is "because I said so".
@joya_aspera: My brother and his FI use timeouts and doesn't seem to work most times. Now I understand that may have a lot to do with their lack of consitency with discipline, but it just doesn't seem to work for my neice. Do you have any other options that I may try to use?
DH and I were both spanked as kids, and we grew up just fine! We were not abused, just spanked occasionally for bad behavior. That said, we have decided not to spank our children, and to try to reason it out, do time outs, take away toys and priveleges, that sort of thing. My sister was spanked much more than I was, and she still acted out a LOT more than i did. But we haven't ruled it completely out. We have agreed that it would be an absolute last resort and we are really hoping it won't get to that point.
No, I don't believe in corporal punishment. I think there are plenty of other ways to discipline your children other than causing them physical pain (time outs, not letting them play with a certain toy for a certain amount of time, etc). I was not spanked as a child, and as far as I know, neither was DH.
I'm not 100% sure yet. While my gut reaction is "I was spanked and I turned out fine," the older I get and the more I think about it, I didn't turn out fine. I had a lot of emotional issues and social issues that I had to work through over the years and we (therapist included) believe part of it stemmed from spanking as a child. My parents were shitty at it. While I was never beaten, I was the type of child that should not have been spanked. Being spanked caused me emotional distress. Long term, extreme emotional distress. I was the child that should have been spoken to, who should have had a parent willing to listen to them, who should have had alternate forms of discipline. And while not every child is me I do believe that in the future spanking will be an absolute last resort in our future family. Yes, I'm a fully functioning adult who (now) has successful relationships and a successful career. Spanking didn't take that from me. But it did give me some giant emotional roadblocks, tons of childhood stress, and a poor relationship with my parents because I was never able to bond with them properly. Not to mention I don't respect or trust their decision making abilities, and don't feel they're competent disciplinarians. And because of those things I tolerated some horrible, abusive relationships because I suffered from acute shame, a lack of self confidence, and didn't feel I could reach out to my parents for guidance.
Just my 2 cents on why we most likely will not be spanking.
@Birdee106: I never feared my parents from the spankings. Again, I;m sure this has to do with how my parents used the spanking and with what kind of force. I can understand from what you have said as to why you choose not to allow spanking. I hope my LO doesn't fear me. It wouldn't be out of anger either, fear for the safety (i.e. the running in the road thing, but most likely never out of anger.)
If you can't hit an adult for doing something 'wrong', why is it OK to hit a child?
It bugs me when adults use hitting as discipline, but never actually talk to their children to explain why what they did wasn't safe/appropriate. Conversation must come first.
I was spanked growing up, a grand total of Twice. once because I was caught, and again for trying my luck. you learn quick.
I highly advocate spanking. I've seen so many children in the stores that would greatly benefit from one.
I think it depends a lot on the child.
My sister didn't "need" a lot of punishment. A stern look and her knowing you were disappointed in her served as more of a punishment than a pat on the butt. She is still that way to this day, 21 years later! The girl is very loyal, tender hearted and cannot stand to feel like she let someone down.
I was a different story. I was the most obnoxious, hard headed, stubborn, maniacal child in the history of parenting. They took toys away, put me in time out, spanked me, washed my mouth out with soap ( I had a bit of a cussing problem at a young age haha) and tried every parenting trick in the book. The only thing that seemed to work on me was 1) a good spanking and/or 2) being completely removed from everything and everyone for a period of time. I am not talking about a 10 minute time out, I mean a solitary confinement type of thing.
Had my parents just given me a stern look and put me in the corner for 10 minutes, I would've laughed in their faces. Had they spanked my sister with a belt, it might have traumatized her! I don't think that disciplining your kids has as much of a " one size fits all" like so many books, artices and even WB polls suggest :)
I think we will decide when we have a child and what their personality is like and what they respond to before we decide that we are a strictly no spanking or spanking household, but we certainly aren't opposed to it.
My dad spanked me a few times as a kid. It never worked. I didn't fear him and certainly never learned my lesson. It would just make me really mad so I would go and do something even worse than what I was punished for, (I definitely remember throwing out an expensive pair of his shoes and dumping a bottle of cologne).
So no I won't be spanking my child. There are better ways to teach a lesson and express disappointment in their actions.
Also, my mum was used to hit us and it didn't change any of our behavior. It just made us hide from her/scared of her when we did do something wrong, even if it was an accident.
My dads face, his tone of voice and way of reasoning worked SO much better for us.
I don't know why parents want their kids to be scared of them.
@theone99: I mean this as a last resort, I do plan to try other ways first but if that doesn't work than a spanking may be in order. I understand this question is sort of a grey area, just trying to see how others feel.
we plan on doing it, but not until they are at the age where they understand they did something really bad and that it the consequence.
we would never "hurt" them, but it gets the point accross and they will learn right behavior
i was raised by a single mom, and she did not spank us, but my grandfather did. and we all knew not to do anything bad in front of him!
my fiance was spanked and he said it made him a better listener, and respect his parents a lot more
@FutureMrsPuckett - I meant that more as a rhetorical question :)
Interesting thread!
@Birdee106: I agree, it's too easy for corporal punishment to just teach fear of the punisher. I have very well-behaved pets because I'm consistent in their training but they don't have fear of me because I don't smack them. They also know that once their punishment is over (usally a timeout, but sometimes just a stern talking-to), I'm not mad anymore and they can cuddle me immediately if they like (they're affectionate so they often do, and other people have found that bizarre). It's really clear to them when and why they get in trouble.
And if I can find suitable reward/punishment schedules for completely non-verbal animals, that they can understand and associate with their behavior and that doesn't cause them to fear me, I'm sure I can find it for kids, at any age past "screaming helpless newborn" phase.
Well my parents don't really enjoy being spanked, but I think with a bit of coaxing I could get FFIL to go for it.
Oh wait, that's not at all what you were asking. 
No, we will not spank. Neither of us believes in it, and many studies have shown it's an ineffective tool for discipline, and can potentially lead to mental health issues for the child later in life. (Cue all the "my parents spanked me and I turned out fine" comments.)
@FutureMrsPuckett: I've always wondered, because my sister says the exact same thing, why is running into the road a reason to spank a child? Not saying your wrong or starting anything, i'm honestly curious why some people feel this way? If my kid ran into the street how is hitting them going to teach them something? You might have gotten hit by a car but here, let me hit you....?
We plan on being quite strict, having guidelines and boundaries, and using time-out and revoking privileges as punishments but will avoid spanking if at all possible. I also think that beating, spanking, and a swat across the tush are all different things. I'm not completely against a firm "NO!" and a swat on the diaper if I have a toddler who is reaching for a hot stove or putting a stick in the dog's eye.
ETA- to clarify that swatting a diaper makes more noise than it does anything else, and it certainly doesn't hurt, so to swat a toddler on the diaper would be a way to distract him or her from doing something that will cause harm (hot stove, running off, etc.)
@theone99: +1. i was never spanked.... i like to think that i behaved much better because my parents were a real constant presence in my life and treated me as an equal rather than a subordinant.
@theone99: Same here. This is one of the issues I had with my parents. They believed that spanking alone communicated that the behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated. And while that's *kinda* true, it left me a little desperate for them to just talk to me, to let me know they still loved me and that they just didn't love my behavior. It can be a slippery slope.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. I think it's the worst way to discipline your child. You don't need to use physical force to get a message across, even as a 'last resort'. I was hit (not on the bum) on a very regular basis for years and it made me terrified, insecure and anxious. To this day, I have difficulty coping with things the way average adults would. I know that's not necessarily the same as spanking on the bum, but it's still physical force.
@Birdee106: I sort of agree. I can see here how a gut reaction in the parent might be to spank the child.
I actually ran out into the road once and my mom hauled me back my arm which kind of hurt but was not her intention. She said something to me and I don't remember any of the words. Her crazed expression on her face with boggled eyes and funny voice let me know clearly enough that it was a very, very bad idea. The fact that I remember her expression that clearly even now shows that she didn't fail me by not spanking me.
Now if she made that crazy expression/voice for everything she disapproved of... it wouldn't work the same way in that moment. But what really makes an impression on a kid is all relative to what normally happens. It doesn't have to be a smack.
@FutureMrsPuckett: My son has gotten a whack when its absolutely necessary. Nothing harsh or abusive, but he knows its not unheard of to get whacked if he's out of line and nothing else has worked. He pushes it sometimes and knows the limits, so majority of the time it's not necessary. But he has pushed too far on occasion and its happened.
Nope. We weren't spanked as children but we did have to stand in the corner when we misbehaved. The idea of a timeout where there was nothing to look at but the corner of the wall and you had to stand still, not sit was embarassing and it seemed like FOREVER when you were in there. Also, my father's voice of quiet disappointment was the most effective discipline on all of us. The shame was pretty intense and you learned quickly what you did wrong.
BIL and SIL spank their 4 year old and always have. He ASKS to be spanked and has had huge problems with acting out for attention. I'd never really known anyone who spanked their kids before him and it was enough to convince DH and I that we would not be using it with our kids.
@joya_aspera: No, I totally agree. It's not like I would calmly walk out and get my child and sit down and have some sweet talk. I would freak out and yell (not that yelling is great) and make sure my kid knew how scary that is. But I don't think spanking is a solution to that.
I was spanked.
Husband was spanked.
We'll be spankers -- it worked for us.
@Mrs_Amanda: Yes, it was the same with my sister and I, although I'm the good one ;)
Literally, no punishments worked for her. She would sit in time out with a smile on her face and then go right back to what she was doing. Taking away toys didn't work, expressing disappointment didn't work. Once, while in time out (I'm 15 years older), she told me and my mom "Even if I just sit here, I can still think. You can't make me not think." She was FOUR! She was spanked a few times for trying to do things that were dangerous, even after explaining how it would hurt her etc.
Honestly, I don't want to spank my children, and neither does FI as we don't believe in corporal punishment. If I get a child like my sister I suppose I'll have to be really creative in coming up with alternative means of punishment and reward.
I was never spanked, although my dad did threaten it once. My hubby was spanked occasionally. We don't spank "our" children (his children), although he has threatened it but the threat was enough to change the behavior. (ie. to be clear, it was not an empty threat)
It just doesn't sit right with me to use pain and humiliation as tools of punishment or behaviour modification although I would never say "never". It certainly wouldn't be among my preferred choices of punishment. As a PP said, I think it also hugely depends on the child and their personality. Different techniques work well for different personality types. We really believe in raising well-mannered, respectful kids that have boundaries and concern for others. Way too many kids running around these days could benefit from a firmer parental guidance, but I'm not sure that spanking is necessary in most, or even any, cases.
I also think that it's too easy to spank out of frustration or anger. Bit of a slippery slope in my books.
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