Sometimes I feel alone in this boat! My fiance and I have decided to NOT live together before marriage.
We made this decision because..
1. We want to respect our families' religious beliefs
2. We have spent enough time with each other over the past 6+ years that we know each other as well as anyone who has lived together. (Living habits and silly things that will drive me nuts! lol, Like how he never remembers to rinse his hair out of the sink after he shaves and how he throws his dirty socks and underwear on the bed when he changes in the morning.)
3. We have experience budgeting and paying bills together, we are both independently financially responsible, and we have similar spending habits, so we don't foresee any financial conflict.
And most importantly,
4. We (I) want it to be extra special when we finally do get married. (He will literally carry me over the threshold into our new home! Something I have dreamed about since I was little)
Why did you decide to live/not to live together before marriage?
@OnceUponATime: Sounds like good enough reasons to me!
I guess for us it just sort of happened naturally. We spent a lot of time together right from the start, and he never spent much time at his place. We figured it was silly to pay for 2 places, so he officially moved in with me. We did discuss that we want to get married, though. I made the mistake in my early 20s of moving in w. a guy when the relationship was headed nowhere and did not want to make the same mistake again.
So hopefully we will be married pretty soon!
im one of the few who don't live with my FI. There's a couple reasons:
In the end, I'm glad we don't live together right now. And it's totally okay that we don't. :)
I'll explain my "Other" vote! We are LDR and live in different countries, so we cannot live together permanently until one of us has a visa (in our case I will get a spousal visa). However, he visits me here for weeks at a time, and I try to visit longer when I am on school holidays (two months this summer, three weeks this winter, etc.).
So in a sense we have short bursts of living together, but I can't totally move in, so I feel like I am a little inbetween!
And with that said, if we were a more conventional couple and were in the same country, we'd definitely be living together before marrying. I think it's nice to have the difficult parts of that adjustment done with before the wedding. It's convenient too. And it's just pretty dang fun!
Yup! We've been together for 4 years and lived together for more than 2 of those years. We were spending so much time together, it was super annoying to go back and forth between our apartments (not close together). I think it was also helpful to take our relationship to a more intimate level prior to making the commitment to get engaged/married-- I think it helped him to feel ready to take that next step.
I live with my FI.
1. I can't afford rent on my own.
2. I love spending time with my FI, and I know if I didn't live with him I would never see him. (He's working 60 hours a week right now and going to school full time. I literally wouldn't see him until Sunday).
3. It just reaffirms my love for him when I see him doing little things that I wouldn't see otherwise.
4. We were a LDR for 2 summers and 2 Christmas vacations... and for one semester of college. We just wanted to be together.
We have been together almost 7 years. We bought our house last summer because it was about damn time we lived together! Haha, but we knew we would get engaged and then married. His parents didn't love the idea since they are pretty traditional but they knew this wasn't just a fling.
We are living together pre-marriage. For me there was no issue of religion or waiting or anything, although I completely respect those as reasons, but we just really wanted to see each other more! We were semi-long distance (90 miles) away from each other until we lived together, so although we'd spent weekends together and stuff, it just wasn't enough. I have to say it's been a great decision, our love has only grown and of course we got engaged soon after; living together was like a next step for us.
We are living together because we wanted to and it saved FH money. We did wait until we were engaged though.
We spent most of our relationship being somewhat long distance and when I moved to be closer to him (30 minutes away from where he lived) he just sort of came over one night and never left. I won't complain though. I love seeing him every day and he loves the fact that the house payment is less than his rent so he has extra money at the end of the month.
Just wanted to add that I think living with FI as my HUSBAND will be totally different from living with him as my fiance. ;) And he is still going to carry me over the threshold of our apartment. And whenever we buy a house, he'll carry me over that threshold, too!
@Almost Mrs.P: You bring up such a good point! We see each other 3-6 times per week.. and we live 25 min apart! It gets realllly old sometimes. We do stay with each other frequently, but it is still a lot of driving!
@bowsergirl: I knew someone would be the "other" my heart hurts just thinking about being away from my SO. My heart goes out to you!!
Sounds like we can all relate in many ways.
@Azyriah: You and I know how tough it is to wait! We just live vicariously through these lucky ladies (just think, only so many more days before we get to have permanent bff sleepovers! haha)
Fiance and I have been long distance for our entire 6.5 year relationship. I lived in FL (for college) when we started dating and he lived in IN and he still does. I moved to Chicago for grad school and to be closer to him 3 years ago. Our tentative plan was for him to move over here and go to school for his BA; but he decided to go to school in IN because it would be cheaper. We're planning a wedding here, and I'm not equipped to move to where he lives (I don't have a car) just now. I will be moving a few weeks after our wedding though and commuting to my job because it pays well :)
I would never pledge to spend the rest of my life without living with them first. That's when you learn someone's true personality/habits/lifestyle choices.
We lived together before marriage, we had sex before marriage, we bought a house before marriaige, we did everything backwards LOL.
We slept at each others place often, so living together eventualy came naturally. We couldnt be apart I guess.
We are not living together, as we are saving ourselves for marriage and do not want to be tempted to have sex.
We lived together after 1 year of being together.. It seemed like the next natural step. The transition was surprisingly easy. Then a little less than a year later, we got engaged
We lived together before we got married. It made more sense financially, we had no reason not to live together, neither of us would have wanted to get married to someone we didn't first live with.
Also it's different when you live with someone than date them and see them when you can... if you have a fight while dating what do you do? go home? Not when you live together. Those are the little things you have to work out and be comfortable with. I was happy to figure all that out before we were married and we don't even fight, we just get quiet LOL.
We bought a condo after 2 months together (yeah, it sounds really bad when it's typed). Thankfully our impulsive decision has paid off amazingly, but it definitely could have backfired. We had no religious or moral obligations holding us back, and we were (are) head over heels in love. I can't imagine not living with my FI!
This will be a 2nd marriage for both of us. We will have been together 10 years, living together for 7 of them. It just made sense to do so. First time around, I was young and had no desire to live together prior to marriage. I wanted it to be special. It was for religious reasons and I just had this fairytale image of going directly from living with my parents to living with my new husband. That worked out well for the time. And if it were my daughters, I'd wish the same thing for them. But, as a mature couple now, knowing exactly what we want and realizing that finances to play a huge role, it just made sense. Due to life circumstances, FH was having to go through some housing moves. At the same time, my circumstances were right to move on as well. For a while, we were trying to keep up two houses and it just didn't make sense anymore. Once I knew my kids would be okay with him being a permanent part of our lives, I knew it was time. I went against everything I thought I believed in by doing so, but its funny how when the right person enters your life, certain things you thought were important just aren't anymore. When circumstances change, so does your way of thinking I suppose.
You have typed out all the reasons why me and my fiance do NOT live with eachother pre-marriage.
It sucks because fiance lives about 25 minutes away and its a booger to drive back and forth all the time just to see eachother but we want to respect our parents and live by the morals they taught us. OF COURSE I would love to live with my fiance right now but only 261 days till I will spend the rest of my life living with him :}
You're not alone in this at all. We will not live together until we are husband and wife. Why? Because neither one of us believe in shacking up and if you want the benefits of a spouse, then you have to become a spouse.
In fact, I'm moving to his state 3 weeks before the wedding (just enough time to unpack, get over the jetlag and do some last minute wedding prep) and I'll be spending those 3 weeks in an extended stay hotel.
Thanks for the interesting topic! Not living together before our wedding and I find it frustrating that I'm always expected to explain myself to friends! It was always important to me that we didnt live together before we were married, and i cant believe that day is almost here! i cant wait to start our lives together in our own place! I almost died when our ceremony rabbi tsk tsked at us for *not living together! I thought that of all people he wouldn't question us!
@OnceUponATime: I chose to live with my DH, and it worked out. I totally respect all of your reasons though!
We have been together for just over 9 years. We are committed in every since of the word and living together makes sense and has made our relationship stronger. We moved in together about 4 years ago (so 5 years into our relationship). We are not religious and do not think that living together when you are clearly on the track for marriage is a negative or harmful thing.
Yes, some say that co-habitation leads to higher divorce rates, but quite frankly if it is not meant to be, then it is not mean to be. Divorce happens among couples who live together before marriage and those who wait until after. "Marriage" is a social institution and a legal classification, couples who live together before marriage and act like and are just as devoted as married couples are just as likely to make it as those who wait.
@dmk90716: While I respect your decision, I really dislike the term "shacking up" when it refers to committed couples. As an unmarried couple living together, we are not playing house, pretending to be each other's spouses or "shacking up."
We are building our lives together and have decided to make that decision before society calls us married. We are adults and have committed to each other just as much as any married couple has. We have waited to officially get married because we did want a nice, small wedding and needed to wait until we could save up the money and do so responsibly.
Sorry if you were not trying to be offensive, but I strongly dislike the use of "shacking up."
We didn't live together for religious reasons. We did do our grocery shopping and cooking together and spent most of our time together which I think helped make the transition to living together really easy. Not much has changed really, except being together a little more which is peachy.
@OnceUponATime: I found a job away from him and he wanted to be with me. It was knowing that having separate apartments only meant paying double rent for nothing. if we weren't going to live together where my job was, he would have just stayed where he was and we would have stayed long distance.
@dmk90716: that's not true at all. Some people can't get married but they don't have less of a relationship because theres no legal document. It is anything but playing house when your in a committed relationship.
I know a couple who are married and live together but don't speak to each other anymore.
I also know another couple who have 2 wonderful kids and a really strong relationship but are not married.
I would say marriage doesn't make you more of a couple than a couple just living together. It's about how much you put into it and how much you work at it.
@dmk90716: If you think you must use the term "shack up" then fine, but saying people who are living together before marriage are "playing house" is offensive, quite frankly rude and demeaning. Sorry, I call it like I see it.
Sorry to tell you, but your parents were wrong (or are stuck in the 50's). I do not mean to be snarky, but honestly this is 2012 and I do not appreciate people, especially women, being closed minded and saying things like "playing house" merely because they decide, for whatever reason to not live together before marriage.
I pay my own bills, live as a mature adult, maintain a home, have a loving caring relationship with my FI and I am capable of maintaining that relationshp without the a piece of paper telling me I should. You have made your choice for whatever reasons, I have respected them. Please do not be rude and disrespectful toward other people's decisions.
@HappilyEverAfter54: +1000.
Sorry, I get really irritated with people who get on their high horse about how married couples are superior to nonmarried couples. Every situation is different and it is the choice to be committed, loving and supportive that makes a relationship work, not the legal status.
It's amazing how much pressure and significance people put on the whole "marriage" term, pretending like everything magically changes when you walk down the isle. Quite frankly, if you cannot feel and be committed to someone entirely before the document is signed, then you may have to do some self-reflecting. Yes, marriage can and should be special, but if you haven't put in the work ahead of time, putting the label "married" on a couple does not garuantee it will work.
End rant.
@bmo88: I know. My mom is a great example, she's been living with her boyfriend for almost 10 years. They don't want to get married because they don't feel they need to prove anything to anyone and they are extremely happy. Whatever works for the couple should be the right thing to do. Outsiders looking in don't know what goes on between them. They don't have a right to say they are just playing when they are actually very committed and have meshed their entire lives together.
I agree with the previous two posters; you can live together indefinitely and not get married and it isn't "playing". Playing house is extremely offensive and not accurate at all. There are people who have healthier homes and relationships who aren't married than people who are married. Being married doesn't automatically mean you aren't "playing" either.
My husband and I chose to live together first because my roommate moved out and I couldn't afford rent on my own and he wanted to move out of his living situation. We got married within 6 months of dating (we've known each other 3 years) and 4-5 months of living together. I'm glad we lived together first because I didn't want to deal with the stress of moving right after the stress of getting married was over.
We lived together for 5/6 of our relationship before marriage and moved into the house we'd bought together three months into that time. We had realised a few months into our relationship that we were happiest when we were together all the time rather than just dating.
Our relationship didn't change a lot when we got married but that wasn't a bad thing. We just went from being a lovey-dovey cohabiting engaged couple to a lovey-dovey cohabiting married couple. We made the big commitment (for us) when we took out a mortgage; the wedding was a big party to belatedly celebrate and make official a commitment made long before.
I live with my SO and we moved in for the following reasons,
1. We did a LDR for about a year and a half and hated it! We both were going to school full time and working full time and got see each other a few weekends out the year. So moving gave us an opportunity to be with each other.
2. My roommates were leaving my high and dry. One of them got so homesick she decided to quit school and move back home which was about 10 hours away. The other one decided to move in with her sister so I was going to be with out a place to live so we decided to move in together.
3. Because we both don't belive in the institution of religion and while our parents were really hurt by our decision we both were financially independent so they didn't really have a say.
4. We love being together lol
5. At first I never really believed in the institution of marriage so I always planned to live with a partner and marrying them never seem like an option to me. But I have now come to realize marriage is really important if anything were to every happen to my SO, I would be notified and be able to make decisions that I know he would want me to and vice versa.
6. Living with him can be so fun sometimes lol
@dmk90716: Not everyone believes in marriage or the need to get married, for some being life partners with out the legal aspect and only having the spiritual aspect is good enough for them. I get what you're saying because my family has your mentality but not everyone see's it that way.
I moved in with my man in July, we had only started dating in March before that. Neither of our families (and subsequently both of us) are not religious in the slightest. I love him, he loves me, and he moved me out to Oklahoma to live with him. (We previously lived in California, he lived in Oklahoma because he was stationed there in the Navy. He couldn't come to me, so I came to him.)
Edit (Mini-rant): My SO and I living together is not "playing house." Legally, I am not his wife (yet, soon.) but emotionally? I am very much his wife and he is very much my husband. Marriage is just as emotional as it is legal. I care for him and he cares for me. Nothing, absolutely nothing will change after we get legally married. I'll have his last name and health insurance -- that's it. It's no different than living together as married people. Married people don't "play house", I'm not "playing house", I am living with my husband and starting down a wonderful path with him.
FI moved in straight after we started dating
#1 We have no religious veiws, especially none that forbid us from showing that we love each other itimatly
#2 Because you dont know somebody completly until you live with them. Not just knowing OF their annoying habits but knowing that you can live with their annoying habits and love them despite of these
#3 Finacially beneficial
#4 Regardless to our maritial status it will still be special when he carries me over the threshold to our new house (first home)
BTB - I also take extreme offense to the 'shacking up' and 'playing house' references! I dont understand why some people think because they are doing things the traditional way that they get to stand above others. Its 2012 the traditional way isnt the right way for a lot of couples.
No we dont yet, been together for just over 2 years, been enagaged since June, I still live at home so its cheaper and I can save heaps. Also Im on a part time contract so I only get extra work when its busy so I wouldnt like to put all the finances on him if I only worked 20 hours a week..
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