Post # 1
I am so torn on what to do… My FI and I purposely chose a venue with limited seating (300 max) so that the guest list would not get out of control… However, it has gotten entirely out of control.
First of all, we both have huge families, so about 125 of the guest list is just family. To add to the insane number of people we are inviting is the fact that my FI and I both grew up in the same small town in which we moved back to. Many of our friends from when we are younger have also moved back, so the fact that there will be very little travel increases the number of people who will probably show up. Additionally, both my FI and I are pretty outgoing and have maintained a lot of our friendships over the years instead of losing touch with people.
Now our parents are inviting all of their co-workers and friends from all over the place as well as their children – most of these people the FI and I have never even met. We had already spoke to both of our mothers and explained the situation to them and told them A.) no children – only children of relatives will be invited and B.) not all of their co-workers can be invited.
To top it off, the FI’s mother, is insisting on inviting her other daughter-in-law’s ENTIRE family – and neither the FI or I can stand them! They are very rude and very offensive people and I have actually started avoiding functions that I know they will be attending.
To make matters even more complicated is money… My parents are paying for a majority of it and are committed to spending $10-$12K… The FI and I are chipping in around $3k – not including our rings and his parents are giving us $2K. In my mind I feel that since my FI and I are the one actually getting married our lists should come first. Then I feel my parents list should come before his parent’s list because of the amount they are contributing. I realize since both of our parents are contributing, then they should be able to invite who they want, but someone is going to have to give.
This whole issue is starting to cause arguments between my FI and I and I am feeling really resentful towards his family for inviting people whom they know I can not stand. I have a great relationship with my FI’s family, but the wedding and their lack of understanding with anything is really starting to wear on me.
I would welcome any advice on how to handle this situation!!!
Post # 3
I would sit down with your FI and show him the budget. Show him how much each extra person costs. Unless his parents are willing to contribute a significant amount to cover “their guests”, they should be able to invite them. Show them the budget as well. Let them know they are putting a financial hardship on your parents and you. The guest list should be divided into equal amounts of guests for each family, and anything over should be paid by whoever is inviting the extra guests.
Post # 4
You’re absolutely right. You get first dibs on the guest list. Your parents follow, since they are essentially the primary hosts of the event (since they’re shelling out the $$). The groom’s parents get whatever allotment you and your parents give them (with the understanding that it is approached with some sense of fairness).
The answer to your dilemma is straightforward, though not necessariy simple: Work with your mom to establish a specific number of invitations that each of you will receive (you and your groom, your parents, his parents) and then tell his parents “You can invite XX number of people” and make them reduce their list to meet that number.
If they protest, hold your ground. I would simply say, “I’m so sorry, but that is the absolute maximum number we can accommodate at the venue.” Period.
Post # 5
I just read your other post about wanting to invite additional people for just drinks and dancing, which is A. insulting to those guests, and B. over the venue limit. You need to approach both of your parents with this information, explaining, as long as you can pay for it, and the venue allows for it, you can invite people. But, seriously, by law, you cannot have more people in a venue than the fire marshall allows, and somebody has got to pay for them. You and your fiance should come up with a list of your friends who HAVE to be there and then allow the parents to divide up the list, as long as they can afford it. Put your foot down. Its a wedding, not a circus!
Post # 6
I am basically facing the same situation. I have no advice for you because I cannot seem to muster the nerve to tell FMIL that she can’t invite all those people because it’s over the capacity! But I wish you the best of luck and if you find a winning strategy, please tell us… 🙂
Post # 7
Ah, finally, sane people! 🙂
I like the idea of allotment. I think I will go through and weed out all of the immediate family (aunt’s, uncles and first cousins) and then weed out all of the FI and I’s close friends. Whatever is left, I will divide in a 2:1 ratio between the two sets of parents and tell them to have at it.
Thanks for the advice Bees, I knew I would get some good advice here.