Arghhh. Any one else with divorced parents who are giving you grief!?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’ve been to many weddings where the parents were divorced.  I think your mother needs  to get over the walk down the aisle and the speech since those things mean something to you.   However, she should not be forced to sit near him or  at the same table.  That is a reasonable request on her part.  If there is no one else from your father’s side of the family, then either put him with family friends, friends,  or split up the relatives tables.

Post # 5
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada

No you are not the only one Hun! My mother has been giving me grief about my dad throughout  the whol planning process and they are divorced 20 years and both happily remarried. I have just stood my ground very firmly in what we want for our day (that we are paying for) and cone that we are only a few weeks away she has come round, accepted my wishes and is looking forward to it. Will it still be slightly awkward between her and dad? Most likely but they have both promised me that they can put their differences aside and act like adults for my wedding. It’s a one off situation after all. 

Explain to your mon how you feel and just stand your ground and it will work out. I bet you she would rather live with your dad being there/doing a speech etc than miss your wedding. 

Best if luck though, I’ll be rooting for you! 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My father left my mother, after 23 years of marriage, 2 days after I married my first husband.  I was only just 21, and had only got married because my parents threatened to disown me if I lived with my boyfriend of 3 years.

It’s now nearly 25 years later, and my mother hates my father even more than the first day he left.  She still regularly slags him off to me at any opportunity…even though she emotionally blackmailed both myself and my two brother into never seeing him again.  I don’t even know if he is still alive…

I’ve recounted the above to give you an example of how it can go if you let your mother foist her issues with your father onto you. 

As a psychiatrist once told me (I’ve had a couple of nervous breakdowns, one directly caused by my mother’s behavour):

I’m not responsible for my mother 

The only actions and feelings I am responsible for are my own

My mother is an adult and it is not my fault or responsibility if she can’t act like one

I was not put on this earth to live my life for my mother.

You have every right to have your father in whatever capacity you want at your wedding…no matter what he has done, he is still your father.  Your mother needs to grow up and let it go for just that one day.

 

Post # 10
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

yup. problems already with mine. specifically my mom. anything to do with my father she gets bitchy.

Post # 11
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Aargh I feel you all! My parents have been divorced for abiut 8 years now. Im 30, bro 32. for the divorce itself, i wish it’d happened when i was little, then i wouldnt have had to live with them being together. It was never nice to be iN, not abusive or anything, just 2 stubborn people who couldnt get along. And thats how my bro and me are now. Mum eventually reconnected with the guy she dated before my dad and left. Coincidentally she broke up with this guy in HS because he was too boring. Now she is still with him and finds him too boring again! 

Anyway, my bro got married a few years ago and it was drama central. My mum didnt want to go at all because my dad was invited and she couldnt be in the same space. She eventually went ‘to support bro’, and all her family went only ‘to support her’. Noone from my dads side was invited (which i disagreed with but wasnt my wedding). Mums family sat at one table together. Dad and i were seated at another table with the family of my bros best friend (whole family we all knew for many years), as they were like family. Bit uncomfortable and dad was pissed. Only the bridal party was at the head table. 

Fast forward to my own planning. We have a good idea what we want, where etc. and NONE of it my mum agrees with. Shes been complaining about how far it is for her to travel (about 3 hours), and that i have to have a day after breakfast for the tragelling guests ‘like bro did’, even though i aas planning a lunch instead. Lunch wasnt ok, as they would get home too late and would have to go to work on monday. So they dont even take a day off work for their only daughters wedding??? (Though i went back at christmas for a month past year, hadnt been back for 2 years, and she still doesnt take time off work to hang out!) 

photos… I can only imagine i’ll have the same rules as my brother did: she wont take a family photo with dad in it too becaus she cant be seen in the same pic! Lucky i dot care too much for family photos… 

She doesnt know about the bbq reception yet… But i did mention that since it would be a holiday house backyard do, and we bring in the drinks, that i would let the guests bring something of their own choice if they wished FI’s 6 siblings all drink different beers… Well, could have put the phone down and come back an hour laterand sshed have still been going, thats how much an earful i got. ‘I WONT have people binging their own drinks to this wedding, thats what im putting in the money for!’ Ahem, in our culture byo is acceptable to family bbqs (which is the theme of our wedding), AND her contribution is only about 25% of the budget! 

this type of behaviour is quite normal for my mother. Ive grown used to it over the years. I thought i’d include her to make her feel mob, and try toextend the olive branch a bit. After this far Ive given up. Im going ahead with planning and will just send her an invite. 

Dads pretty traditional, and can also be quite stubborn. But thankfully his gf has calmed him a bit, and he is just going with the flow. As long as he gets to walk me down the aisle and make a speech, he’s happy. I only tell him details (and tell him, not ask him) because he’s footing the rest of the bill and i need to tell him what to pay and when. And he’ll get his bro there too, because he’s my uncle and i think he should be invited.  

Btw, as for my seating, casual bbq means we will not have set seating So problem solved. 

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