Arguing with FH over FMIL…(lost & sad)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

What does your FH think? You mentioned in your posts that these parents are very old-school Korean. As someone who is a part of the culture, I’m guessing that means they will never apologize or back down. It’s considered the child’s responsibility to give into parents and make them happy. This also explains the “Oh, you were engaged?” thing. It’s a face-saving statement that’s the closest thing you’ll get to them admitting they were wrong. 

I think you and DH need to talk about what he wants to do. It does not seem like talking to them is working. Does he want to get married if that means his family will not be there and/or support you? Can you continue if it stays like this? I don’t think I could. You should talk about it and find out if you can find a solution that makes you both happy. 

Post # 4
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Double post

Post # 6
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Redholix:  That’s really tough. I don’t think they’re going to change if things continue like this. To me it seems like this is more of an issue between DH and you. DH has to be the one who decides if he should cut them out or not. If things continue like this, will you be ok with it?

I would probably delay the wedding if it were me. I know that sounds drastic but I would want to know if this was going to be an issue for the rest of my life. I would also tell my DH that you two need to find a solution and things can’t continue on the same. I’m not talking about “it’s me or the parents,” but just “this isn’t working for me so we need to fix it before we get married.” 

Post # 9
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Redholix:  Just wanted to check before throwing out the cultural differences stuff.

But could there just be some lack of understanding? Some people hold very tightly to their culture. It kind of sounds like your IL’s do and maybe you are just realising that your FI does as well? If respecting his culture is important to him and having you respect his parents (in a different way than you follow) is also important to him, maybe you guys need to have a serious talk about it. Not going to say either of you are right or wrong or that one of you should fold to the other but you may need to work out if you are truly compatible.

I could not have married my husband without him understanding that there are parts of my culture that he just has to accept and that there are  parts that he will never be privy to due to cultural dictates. I personally couldn’t marry a person that wasn’t supportive of my culture and traditions.

I think it is even harder when you are of the same culture but one follows tradition and one is more liberal following more modern ways.

Post # 11
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Redholix:  Maybe encourage him to speak to a therapist. It must be frustrating when he changes his mind on something.

Good luck and my mantra is always only fight the battles that are really worth it. The small stuff wont matter in years to come. Maybe pick the biggest issue and try and resolve that with some compromise (even if it just between you and him).

Post # 12
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Redholix:  I don’t think love is enough, honestly.  I do not get along with my MIL, however the difference is my husband will take my side any day, any time.  He cut off contact with her for a couple years because of the way she treated me.  They still only talk a few times a year.

Your fiance and you need to be a team on this.  If he’s going to cave every time she yells or gets upset, she will be running your wedding, your life, your children’s lives, where you move, what you do, etc.  She yells and throws a fit because then she gets what she wants.  She told him what she wants and he’s already going along with some of it.  How long until those visits turn into her throwing a fit over wedding things and guilting him into doing what she wants?  Where will he draw the line?

He’s an adult.  You’re an adult.  You have to be there for each other and be willing to say “no”.

Post # 13
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Reading your other posts, I think you and your FH have the upper hand in this situation. Your FILs will not want to cut their only son out of their lives, they will want to attend his wedding, they will want to accept his money, they will want to see your grandchildren. You have the power if you don’t give in to their manipulations. It sounds like your FH is a dutiful son, a loving partner, and a wonderful man. 

Post # 16
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Redholix:  Wow, with the way you are treated by your ILs, I thought you were for sure of a different race. I’m Caucasian, and I have a thing for Asian men. I’ve had my fair share of issues with Asian parents, including Korean, but it has always been a race issue. Perhaps you are more Americanized than they would prefer? 

I am of the opinion that love is not enough. I think you and your FI need to sit down together and have an adult conversation about how you plan to deal with your FMILs tantrums in the future. You need to be an united front, or else you will be walked all over, and tWillis going to cause mounting tension between you and your FH.  

I think it is important to set the precedence now that their behavior is unacceptable, and that if you do get married it will not be tolerated in the future.  If they want to chat, then chat, but I wouldn’t apologize for doing nothing wrong. If you do, they will expect it in the future. 

Your FH really needs to decide if he is capable of standing beside you for the rest of your lives.  

I really am sorry you are going through this. I know family issues with significant others is awful. I broke up with a guy I wanted to marry, because no matter what I did, his family couldn’t accept me because I’m white.  I speak Mandarin on a conversational level, know a good deal about Chinese history and customs, and was willing to do whatever i could to win them over. Sometimes people will not accept you no matter how much effort you put in. In the end i realized it wasnt worth spending the rest of my life trying to please the unpleasable. I’m lucky now, because my now Chinese fiance’s parents love that he is marrying a Caucasian, and they accept me for who I am. 

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