- 4 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
Background on my FILs:
Ever since that meeting back in mid-September, FMIL still didn’t e-mail us addresses for the relatives or provide us any sort of guest list.
FH e-mailed her again and insisted that she give us the guest list soon, or no one will be invited. She replied, “I didn’t get to talk to you properly last time because Redholix was there. Come visit by yourself, I have things to tell you.”
FH and I were sick and tired of such repsonse, but FH decided to pay her a visit today after work, to settle the guest list problem once and for all.
He left around 6:30PM and returned at 9:30PM.
He told me that the FMIL:
1. won’t invite anyone because she doesn’t want to (including relatives) – and then asked FH “wouldn’t Redholix’s relatives think it’s weird if no relatives on your side came, especially when so many of her relatives are coming?” (out of 30ish of my guests, 24 are relatives for me.)
2. still want us to do the traditional ceremony of respecting the groom’s family, even if it means having to do it day before if we can’t do it on our wedding day (strange, since she refuses to invite the relatives – which makes the ceremony itself pretty much meaningless)
3. must do family dinner so parents can meet before the wedding
4. want us to visit them (FMIL and FFIL) and chat and start new (but with strong implication that we should apologize to them)
All this – with the notion of “we might come to the wedding depending on your behavior & decision regarding our requests”.
First of all, I don’t understand why she is bothering to give us 1-4 if they are still unsure of attending the wedding or not. She is pretty much threatening/blackmailing us at this point, in my opinion.
Second, while I can understand her desire to do 2 and 3 (she is very proud of the fact that she has a son, and would like to boast about that – although, again, she refuses to invite anyone and yet she wants us to somehow respect the groom’s family), it is 4 that I just cannot accept.
She basically doesn’t want to take any responsibility for anything she has said/done to us – and want us to be the ones to apologize – solely because they are the adults & the parents, and we are the children.
FH actually said he doesnt want to do anything other than 4 – but go visit them, have a conversation, but not apologize (since he believes that we didn’t do anything wrong).
I was against that, because 1. that’s not the issue – the point is that the FILs are still not accepting us as independent adults, still not aceepting/being responsible for their actions/words, and still trying to stuff that “we are the parents, so obey us” crap in our faces and 2. what good would it do, visiting them and not apologizing, when that’s exactly what they are looking for in the first place? They will only get offended, lecture us, and who knows what else.
I told FH very firmly that 4 is something that I cannot accept, and if the policy of “we don’t bend over for them unless they start being more considerate/responsible/respectful” cannot be met, I don’t see how our marriage could work out.
FH started becoming upset, and told me that he heard his mom yell at him for 2 hours, and don’t need to hear me yell at him (I was not yelling – but I’m sure my voice was louder than usual due to becoming emotional), and that he didn’t do anything so bad – and he basically pouted and said he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Such reaction is actually very common with FH, especially when it comes to his family matters – and I got frustrated because I felt that he was being childish (on top of accusing me of yelling)….
I feel so bad for him that he is going through this with his family, but I am also scared for myself and our future.
I’m so sick and tired of his family creating unnecessary drama, wanting us to respect them as adults when they don’t behave like one, etc.
I love this man and he loves me, but is love alone really enough?
I’m scared that we’ll get married, and eventually negativity and craziness from his family will overcome the love that we feel for each other one day……