(Closed) arguing with SO about his drinking…how do you deal with it?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Given the fact that he has been hospitalized because of alcohol comsumption I think you have a right to worry and voice your opinion to your FI. I think that having an open and frank discussion with him when he has not been drinking is a starting point. Perhaps you could read up on blood alcohol content charts (like this one) and talk about what you would be comfortable with, given his past history. If he is still resistant to setting a limit for himself then I would suggest perhaps an intervening third person, therapist, pastor/priest, anyone you both would feel comfortable with because that is a very serious issue.

Post # 4
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree that you need to have a serious discussion with him when he is not drinking.  By confronting him when he comes home drunk, you aren’t resolving anything.  I doubt that anyone can make rational decisions after drinking a lot.  I do think that there needs to be limits since he can’t seem to control himself, being hospitalized is a huge red flag to me.  He might need to consider going to a therapist.

Post # 6
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know if you should live with something that you aren’t comfortable with.  It really isn’t healthy for him to be binge drinking.  There are a lot of studies that say that binge drinking can cause as many health problems as regular drinking.

Post # 7
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

What sticks out to me is the issue of you “controlling” him.  You’re fighting an impossible battle by trying to control his drinking for him.  This has to be something he decides to do, because if his resolve to control his drinking is weak now, it’ll be even weaker when he’s intoxicated, and you won’t be able to convince him to stop.  He needs to take responsibility for his own limits, and I think that arguing about what number of drinks he “is allowed” to consume is sort of missing the point.  If he has a problem limiting himself, having an arbitrary set number of drinks probably won’t work.  Does he ever stop drinking on his own accord, or is it only when the booze runs out, the bar closes, or he passes out?  This can be a scary issue, and I think he has to be the one to acknowledge whether or not this is an issue of concern for him.

It’s also very easy to find excuses for why someone keeps drinking.  While some social scenes do tolerate more drinking than others, it’s hard to think of anyone who would encourage an alcoholic (or someone who struggles with alcohol) to drink to the point of hospitalization.  Some people quite easily get through life without ever drinking, so it’s not impossible.  Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My FI and I had issues with his pot smoking when we first got together. I totally had to choose between a stoned boyfriend who sits with his friends everynight and doesn’t DO anything and being a nag. I hated it. Took like a year of strife and just plain maturing on his part but I was a nag the whole time and I repeat, HATED it. It’s tough, any issue like this, but we got through it so I truly believe any bee can.

Post # 9
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

There’s a trick to this: you just accept the free drinks from others, but don’t drink them all or drink them very slowly.  

Or sometimes I will find a friendly waitress off to the side and order an orange juice – so it looks like I’m drinking a screwdriver, but of course I am just drinking oj and chewing on ice.  Then when people ask me if I want a drink, I just tell them I’m still working on my last one. 🙂

That way, people never order me free drinks… which is what they would do every time if they saw that I had no drink in my hand!

Post # 10
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m a relatively small woman and I can drink 5 drinks in a night, depending on what they are and how they’re spaced, whether I’m drinking water, etc. That number is totally arbitrary and unnecessary. I really don’t think that anyone but each individual can quanitfy how much they can drink. Your FI should be able to gauge his limit for himself without you trying to control him. If he can’t control his drinking, then that is something that, like MissAB suggested, he may need outside help for.

Since you have let him know that you are not comfortable, I think you should now wait until the next social event that involves drinking and see if he modifies his behavior any. Don’t count how many drinks he has, but just give him the freedom to be responsible for his own behavior. If he can’t keep his drinking in check, then bring it up again and suggest that he talk to a professional. Binge drinking can be the sign of a potential problem.

Hugs!

Post # 11
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree that this is something you should be (and certainly have a right to be) concerned about since it landed him in the hospital. I like Mr. Bee’s idea, and just encourage him to get drinks that he can drink slowly. Also, make sure you eat a lot before going out, and have water on hand so he (and you) stay hydrated. 

Post # 12
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Okay this seems kind of complicated. On one hand because of the hospitalization issue I see why you would be concerned… but on the other hand that was 2 years ago and has he gotten so drunk he’s passed out or anything since then? If not then I think maybe you just need to loosen up a bit and let him take care of this himself. Its another issue of course if he is actually like a mean drunk or something like that?? 

 

In my situation, my FI doesn’t drink at all and doesn’t really love when I do it… but I have drank since before him and he has accepted that I do and he doesn’t. Our solution is to plan ahead and when I plan to drink a lot he doesn’t come with me (he says he doesn’t like drunk-me… and that is just fine). If I am going to be drinking a lot I’ll just stay over wherever I am. But– out of respect for him I RARELY drink a lot. Like, the last time I was drunk was early December. I do have a glass of wine here or there but not generally more than 2-3 max. 

 

So I guess I feel like you PROBABLY should just deal with this. Give him a chance to show you he can be responsible. Also keep in mind that 8 drinks over 4 hours is probably not enough to even get him that drunk. 

Post # 13
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m with CinnamonRoll. The approach you guys are taking right now will not work. He has to control himself. Does he ever just have one beer? Or does he exclusively have several? If he can not have just one drink, he probably shouldn’t be drinking.

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