(Closed) Arguing with your fiance from wedding stress?

posted 5 years ago in April 2013
Post # 3
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@butterflybride6:  

I can somewhat relate. My FI and I had been fighting for the past few weeks non-stop about the wedding. We just moved to a new house, and I was transferring jobs. I took a break this semester from school, so in all my free time (when Im not unpacking/painting/running a household) and waiting for my job to start in March I have been trying to get as much done as possible with the wedding so I don’t have to worry about it.

Im the same as you- Im kind of type “A” and want everything done perfectly. My FI is the opposite and does not care at all. But to the point where he wont even help me choose a song for our first dance. Ugh.

Anyways, I got to the same point…I was about to call off the wedding, maybe extend the engagement maybe cancel it….I wasn’t sure, I was just beyond stressed. I signed up for couples counseling. We have been to three sessions and oh my gosh it has changed my life.

We no longer fight at all. He now understands that he needs to help, and I understood why he wasn’t helping too much. We talked out other things that had been underlying issues as well.

We also do a date night once a week…we are saving money for the wedding so we mostly stay at home and cook dinner together and Redbox a movie. But for that entire evening NOTHING is mentioned about the wedding. At all. Its wonderful. We get to laugh and joke around and have a perfect stress free evening.

I suggest the counseling and the date night. They both work wonders. Best of luck, weddings are so stressful!

Post # 4
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am with you in feeling frustrated about money. We haven’t really been fighting about it instead I have been stewing. FI makes more than I do but we are using tax returns to pay for the wedding. Mine is significantly larger than his since I have a child. But I have paid for EVERYTHING wedding related out of both my regular income and my tax return. The original plan was I would pay for the wedding and he would cover an extra portion of the bills since my income was going to the wedding. Well that never happened we have been paying the bills same as always(50/50) for the last year but I am still the only person who has contributed to the wedding. 

This year right before I filed his taxes I said you need to make sure to set aside x amount for the wedding and x amount to put in our joint savings since we also want to buy a house this year. Which he said okay to. He got his return a few weeks ago same as I did and all he bought was our honeymoon. Which I found on groupon and when I asked him “so you’re paying for the honeymoon right?” since you know it is the GROOM’s responsibility he said “Ugh how much is it? It isn’t expensive is it?” Like really?!( Our honeymoon was under $200 btw). Ugh I am just frustrated right now and avoiding the talk we are going to have to have about how he agreed $500 of his return would go toward the wedding(not including honeymoon)….I feel like I have paid nearly 5k he could pony up the $500. I think he just doesn’t want to let the money go. UGh anyway I feel a little better after this vent and I think FI and I are going to have a lovely financial discussion this evening. 

As for calling off the wedding that thought never crossed my mind. It is only money and it is something we can figure out together. You just need to make it clear what your expectations are and listen to him about what his are. Then come to some kind of compromise on the two. I will agree the stress of everything, especially getting this close to the end makes everything seem 10x worse than it is. 

Post # 5
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@butterflybride6:  being an April bride too and my wedding 9 weeks away me and my fiancé have been bickering about money too!! I think it’s just stress and pre wedding nerves…me and my fiancé have quite a strong relationship and know that it will all work out perfect in the end! We try and have one day week where we don’t think about the wedding and have ‘us’ time…I’m sure everything will work out and you will have a faboulous day x x

Post # 6
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@butterflybride6:  With my FI being deployed, he gets to bypass the hype and stress of the wedding planning. But whenever we have a chance to talk while he’s in port, things do tend to get really tense when it comes to details and parents. We’ve never fought in our whole relationship, and still haven’t but we get really disappointed with each other or say the wrong thing, which feels even worse than a fight. I’ve had the tendency to be really pessimistic the past few weeks, and I just have to force myself to look at the bright side, to which he will say “There’s the optimistic girl I fell in love with” lol. I’ve never had stress effect me the way wedding planning does. 

I’d say I argue A LOT with my parents though. There are times we just want to chew each others’ heads off.

Post # 7
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@butterflybride6:  Are you two planning on merging finances when you get married? We merged our finances almost 2 years ago, and I think it’s been great for the relationship and money-related stress. He’s also not particularly good with money, so I’m the “money manager” of the family, and make sure all of our bills, taxes and his student loans get paid as if they were my own.

Twice in our relationship, my fiance has taken career risks that have significantly reduced his income. He did not get paid for 11 months (!) in 2012, which technically means I paid for everything, but it didn’t feel that way. It’s our household, and we both contribute as much as we can. Also, knowing he can rely on me right now means that he can do work he’s more passionate about (that still haven’t paid off yet, but it could happen). I hope to take some years off when we have kids, and he’s prepared to be responsible for the income at that point.

Even if you aren’t merging finances, it’s important to know whether or not you two have similar values around money, or else that could lead to a lifetime of arguments. We’re lucky that we both prefer to save money than spend it, and it’s given us a lot of freedom from arguing about money.

Post # 8
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@butterflybride6:  I think it’s probably common for couples to bicker or argue a bit before the wedding. It’s stressful, expensive, and involves a lot of people. We argued quite a bit because my husband wanted a big wedding more than I did but didn’t help me with the planning as much as I would have liked him to. I soon discovered that men usually don’t pay attention to all the small details like we do. So, it wasn’t like he intentionally didn’t care about our wedding, the small things just weren’t a big deal to him like they were to me.

As far as the money goes, that is a bigger issue. If you feel like you are paying for more than your share right now and you feel resentful about it, that probably won’t change after you get married. It sounds to me likely he usually helps pay for things. If he is just having a bad month with his business, that happens when you’re self-employed. When you’re living together and you’re married there will be times that he will pull more weight and there will be times where you have to pull more of the weight. It might not always be an even amount. You’re not roommates but partners, so you help one another. If it gets to the point where you feel like you’re pulling more of the weight over a long period of time, then you should let him know that you feel like you’re doing more than you’re comfortable doing. Let him know what your expectations are. If you expect your man to carry most of the weight financially, you have to let him know that. Guys aren’t very good at reading our minds, as much as we’d like them to be. I think if you guys are clear about the expectations of one another up front, then there will be less disappointment in the long run.

Post # 11
Member
3158 posts
Sugar bee

@butterflybride6:  Glad things are working out! Just less than two weeks!

Mine is that I have to constantly remind (nag) my FH to pay for things. He ALWAYS forgets. I feel like I’ve reminded him to pay the photographer at least five times. Luckily I started out early and we have until the first week of April to pay but goodness, it will take him until then to pay her. I will be completely livid if he doesn’t pay her on time. I had to take over most of the bill paying in our household too because he kept on forgetting. He forgot to pay the water bill twice which is in my name (before I officially moved in). Goodness did I go off on him. I have never been late on a payment for anything before. I can’t wait to merge our finances so I can make sure everything gets paid on time!

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