Post # 1
They aren’t close, but I can live with that.
However, my parents are paying for 2/3rds of our wedding, which I am very grateful for. They also drove us around all the venues we looked at, offered to pay for an engagement party and have made no demands on our guest list.
Today, my FI came out and said “your Dad has done sh*t for the wedding”. Wow, I felt like I had been slapped across the face. He apologised for using the words he did, and added a ‘but that’s what I think’.
It has really upset me. They don’t need to get on, but seriously, saying that he hasn’t done anything is so hurtful.
Don’t know how to handle it. He clearly isn’t going to change his mind, and it isn’t my job to defend my Dad to him. But I feel upset and don’t want to talk to my FI at all. I feel his expectations for what my parents should be doing for the wedding are unrealistic, and makes me feel like he is not at all grateful. Not a side of him I knew at all. I have no expectations for my parents to do anything for my wedding, so I am just happy that they will help with anything at all. What else are they even supposed to be doing??
Anyone else have a similar experience?
Post # 3
well, what the eff are his parents doing?
if FI is having that kind of attitude, they better be doing something amazing… like using their connection with the Pope and getting him to perform the ceremony himself.
Post # 4
@rosworms: He always turns it into a competition between our parents, and then things get ugly. I love his parents and also appreciate everything that they do for us, so I don’t want to go down this whole route of asking what they do. He just argues that they saw venues in his hometown (that I didn’t even know about!) and that they are coming long distance to our wedding. It just starts getting petty.
Post # 5
Ouch… That sounds like a red flag to me. That he can’t see that your parents are helping (and they don’t have to) and obviously contributing more financially to the wedding then his (this honestly shouldn’t even have to be pointed out) AND that he makes it all into a competition, just doesn’t bode well… Not to say that it can’t be fixed, but I think it’s something you need to deal with before you get married. I can see huge potential problems in your marriage if you don’t.
He’s being very very unrealistic (and mean) about your parents and that’s not right.
Post # 6
@rosworms: “well, what the eff are his parents doing?
if FI is having that kind of attitude, they better be doing something amazing… like using their connection with the Pope and getting him to perform the ceremony himself.”
Post # 7
I know that this term is overused on these forums, but honey, to me this would be one massive bright-red flag. That kind of self-entitled immaturity does not speak of a man about to get married. Frankly, most of us would kill to have our weddings mostly subsidized by generous, loving parents, and have the assistance stop there so that we have freedom to make choices as to our own big day.
Weddings mark a new life of a couple – an independent new life at that – why in the world do your parents need to both foot the bill and take care of all the decisions with that funding? How would that be an accurate reflection of you as a couple?
If my fiance ever condescended to hurt me over my father who sounds equally as supportive as yours, it would take a whole hell of a lot to get me to see him as anything but an immature, entitled ayhole. Don’t spend one second running interference here. Get tough and let your Fi know that speaking about loved ones in such a manner is not tolerated. Ever.
Post # 8
@dodgercpkl: Problem is, I don’t even know how to start talking to him about this. Like you said, I don’t think I should even have to point these things out to him. And I am so angry I am afraid I will just get too upset to talk, especially as he isn’t changing his position at all.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
My Mom’s really not into wedding planning, so I’ve been doing most of it on my own. FMIL is jumping at the bit to help, but it would be too much/a little overbearing. FI could easily say to me “your Mom has done…”, but that’s unacceptable. Your parents aren’t required to do anything for your wedding, and normally the Dad’s involvement is minimal (All I’m asking my Dad to do is check that his tux still fits, and practice our song beforehand)
I can see how you feel like you’ve been slapped- I would, too. I agree with dodgercpkl that this anger he has towards your family needs to be addressed before the wedding.
Post # 10
Post # 11
Let him know that his comments about your dad/parents are driving a wedge into your relationship and that you would like to go to counseling to get this resolved. I would NOT get married to someone who acts like this to me…
I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. *hugs*
Post # 12
OMG huuuuge red flag. That is NOT ok. yes it is kind of your job to defend your parents.. especially since it sounds like they are going above and beyond. Because really? What the eff is your dad doing? He doesn’t HAVE to do ANYTHING it isn’t his wedding and this isn’t the 1800s where the father of the bride offers a dowry!
i’m sorry but that was a jerk thing to say and that side of him would scare me re: future arguments/respect issues
Post # 13
@CindyRelly: What I meant about having to defend my parents, is that I don’t think I should be put in a position to ‘have’ to defend them. Know what I mean? Of course I do defend them, but I really shouldn’t have to defend them in the first place as they shouldn’t be picked on like this.
Post # 14
he doesn’t need to be bff with your parents to be respectful–there’s a difference between not liking someone and being totally disrespectful, and it doesn’t seem like your fi is mature enough to get that. for example, my sil drives both me and dh crazy, but i’ve never crossed that line, and i totally acknowledge when she does something really nice for either of us, and i go out of my way to be kind to her. i agree with the other posters that he’s sounding like an entitled brat
Post # 15
Wow. Where to start?
If he’d come to you and said something like, “Your father doesn’t seem to care about our wedding, and that is making me feel bad,” we’d have a place to begin. You could ask why he feels that way, try to figure out what unstated expectations he had for what your father would do, talk about what your parents HAVE done, and try to understand where he’s coming from.
But he didn’t do that. What he said just shows a crazy amount of entitlement, hostility toward your dad (has your dad ever done anything to make him feel that way?) and general immaturity.
When he said “that is what I think,” did you ask him to explain?
Post # 16
@minimoo: you absolutely shouldn’t be… if my husband put me in that position he simply wouldn’t be my husband. you really do need to have a serious talk with him. Your parents sounds sweet and don’t deserve that… think of how much it would hurt them to know this. and you don’t deserve it either! You sound like you’re very grateful and appreciative of them.. he sounds like an ass. I’m sorry and I know you don’t want to hear it but I kind of want to kick your fiance right now. I’m WAY protective with my family so this struck a nerve with me.