Post # 1
Hi bees I need some advice I am truly going crazy waiting around. My SO has had the ring for about 4 months now and after he bought the ring we used to look at wedding bands and now he avoids jewelry stores and marriage and ring talks are forbiden subjects. I have not talked about it for a while now and started making my own plans going out by myself making plans with friends in order to keep my mind busy. Well i was doing great until last week when a couple we know got engaged after being together for 2 years and just saturday his friend got engaged and they went ring shopping just 3 weeks ago. I am starting to have this feeling of hate towards him and I know it is not good. Yesterday we walked out of the movies and I purposely let the door close on his face. I later apologize and said it was an accident but it really wasn’t I did it on purpose because I tent to have that hate feeling.
I dont know what to do anymore ladies im feeling trapped I almost just want to walk away because I dont think he truly loves me and is sure about our relationship. He asked my parents for their blessing in January (my mom mentioned it to me on accident.) I told myself that June will be the month I walk away if he does not propose, but i am scared that he will not meet the deadline and he will once again fail my expectations.
We have been together for almost 5 and a half years and he has made so many empty promises over the last year that I am starting to believe that he is stringing me along and I cannot take it anymore! A day before valentines day we got into an agument and he told me that he wasn’t going to give me the ring because we weren’t ready and he bought it as a symbol because words mean nothing to me. That was a slap in the face for me because basically he told me that he bought it to shut me up.
Just a few minutes ago I was on the phone and was so angry that I asked him what was wrong with him and told him that I dont think he truly loves me that he is lying about everything and that he needs to be honest and tell me what is going on. Well it was late and he was mad so he told me we would talk about it tomorrow and just hung up on me. I can’t take it anymore I dont want to fight and bring it up but i feel like I have to because I am ready to walk away.
Help Bees I need some advice what should I do and how should I bring this up without crying and making it an argument
Post # 2
Cincin15: Hugs! I am sorry you are having a rough moment. In the heat of the moment, things often seem worse than they are. I definitely think you should have some hot tea, take some deep breaths, whatever calms you and get some sleep for now.
My FI asked for my parents’ blessing last mother’s day (almost a year ago!) and just proposed two days ago. (It was perfect and I loved it!) Granted, we started planning the wedding ahead of time, but he had a very specific time and way he wanted to propose and now that he has done it, I wouldn’t change it for anything.
If you are feeling tense and fights are happening, it isn’t really going to motivate him to set up the proposal. Some proposals are simple, touching and beautiful events that need little prep, some are elaborate and need tons of prep! If he is trying to do the latter, it is probably pretty hard to put something big together when his beloved is treating him with less love and compassion than he is used to.
I think it may help to have an honest discussion with him but that is calm and respectful. I did that with my FI and just asked what the drop dead date was.. as in, when will I know something is wrong if it hasn’t happened by X date? He gave me a date (July this summer) and said he would propose sometime before then. That gave him a lot of wiggle room to make it a surprise and me a date to know something will happen. When we had that discussion, I just explained that I started to doubt myself and feel insecure not knowing that he is still on the same page, and knowing that something is in the works would help my own peace of mind. That seemed to make sense to him so we found a compromise.
Everything will be okay. He clearly is planning on it if he has a ring and has discussed things with your family. The more you nag him and punish him, the less inspired and motivated he will be though.
Post # 3
Try to calm down and call him back and tell him, its just such a hurtful and sad thing everytime it happens for someone else and you feel like a fool waiting around. Don’t tell him in an angry tone, tell him from your heart, and how it can be easy to confuse with anger. I feel for you cause I felt like this and I was ready to walk away, because how much more time did he possibly need in order to know that he should give me a ring! I was really feeling hate towards him cause how could the person I love continue to allow me to feel sad, when he could fix it in a heartbeat! Do you feel that he loves you very much and would do anything for you? Hold on to that as much as you can. He could be avoiding everything in order to really try to surprise you. If he has the ring he is going to propose, he’s probably thinking about how to do it or when you least expect it. For now hide your crazy anger ( I say that, because thats what I had lol) When it happens to you, you’ll rememeber that he’s the guy who can makes things better. You dont want to feel in the end like he did it because you were mad.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Carrying around so much anger and “hate” is really not healthy for you or your relationship. I agree with the PP: Tell him, when you’re NOT angry, that you want to have a serious conversation. Have your talking points prepared and go into the conversation NOT prepared to “fight for your position,” if you will, but simply to STATE it.
I think it’s important to mention that you were very surprised to hear that he doesn’t think you two are ready and that he bought the ring to appease you. Let him know that you have a different timeline in your head, and that you need clarity from him, not empty promises.
Then be prepared to walk away.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
This is the problem with dropping all these hints and indications and then doing nothing. It’s bound to drive you nuts. The proposal should either be a complete surprise or needs to happen quickly after all the looking at rings etc.
Does he even realise that basically asking you to wait patiently for a huge emotional life changing event is just cruel? He wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot and it was him sitting around waiting and wondering and getting his hopes up and being disappointed over and over.
If you really want an answer why not propose to him? It’ll end your suffering and you’ll definitely know what’s going on. All the power and control of decision making doesn’t have to stay in the man’s hands. It’s 2014 ladies!
Post # 6
I’m bothered when you say that marriage talks are “forbidden” subjects.
There should be nothing “”forbidden” about discussing your future together. I really don’t like how that sounds.
OP, you also say he has a history of a lot of broken promises. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.
I realize you have invested a lot in this relationship, but are you sure he’s what you want? It should’t be this hard or this painful.
Post # 7
I really think you need time apart. You are not acting in a way that would make anyone want to propose.
Post # 8
Cincin15: I think you should listen to your gut… which tells you he breaks promises, doenst really love you and is stringing you along. He told you in Feb he wasnt giving you the ring anymore? I would have left right then and there.
Youre obviously very angry with him- I would ask for a break to think about things… and really think if a person with this character is who you want to be with FOR LIFE, and who you want to be a Dad to your kids.
Dont force a proposal out of him just because you want to be married NOW. You need to be sure you want to marry HIM. Personally… he sounds like a turd and I’d get out.
Post # 9
The broken promises would have had me reevaluating a relationship. I don’t take kindly to being lied to by someone who can also tells me that he loves me.
If you feel you are at your patience end…make June a deadline but don’t withhold that information from him. Talk to him about June being the walk date and if he can’t get himself sorted out about the relationship and you, you will be gone. You both need to talk it out…don’t yell, don’t get into one of those pointing-finger fights…just talk about the relationship and how you both see it. If the views no longer line up…that’s your answer.
Post # 10
How old are you? My now-husband took me ring shopping in December of 2011 and proposed in May 2012 and that was perfectly fine with me. I was never “waiting” and had no clue if he bought a ring or when. I was 26 and not in a rush to get married, and I never ever wanted to pressure him at all to propose. Why are you so antsy? What’s the rush?
Post # 11
I think you should seriously considering ending or taking a break from this relationship. It sounds like you’ve wanted marriage for a long while, he still isn’t ready, and you’re not happy waiting.
It’s ok to want different things, it doesn’t mean you don’t sincerely love each other. It just means a relationship or a marriage might not be the best course for either of you. A team that pulls together can conquer anything. A team always pulling in opposite directions will fail. A lot of people say that friendship or respect or communication is the basis of a good marriage- but I think it’s just having the same life goals.
Post # 13
RunnerBride13: I am 27 years old turning 28 in two months and I am not in a rush I just think our relationship has hit a deadend at this point. I live with my parents and so does he and I want more out of our relationship besides just goint out on dates and spending a few nights over. I feel like I am 19 and dating like we are in highschool. He does not have plans on moving out because he likes living at home and likes to save money which is fine with me but I feel like our relationship needs more than going out to dinner and date nights. Last year we talked about buying a house and getting engaged well i was excited and he was on edge about it well we were so close to getting a home but the inspection went horrible so we postponed it until we got married in 2015 well that was last year and after the house did not fall thru he told me how happy he was because he didn’t want to move out. Basically i dont think he wants responsibilities. We both graduated college in 2009 and I am very successful in my carrer and so is he. I dont want to spend time with someone that does not have plans in the future with me. He is very controlling and is not ok with me moving out by myself or with a roomate not sure what to do I am bored and tired of the same thing. <br /><br />
Post # 14
Thank you ladies for the avice and kind words. I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday but I feel better and will put together a list of things I want to state when we have the conversation later today. I love him so much and I know he loves me too but I don’t know what is wrong with him. A few years ago he mentioned to me that his parents divorce affected him a lot and everyone he knows is divorce. I see how this can be the problem but it is not fair to me. I will try my best not to cry or argue. Thank you Bees I will keep you all posted!
Post # 15
Cincin15: This guys is just still too immature…living at home still has enabled him to stay this way even more easliy. I live in southern CA and while it is very expensive to move out on your own here, the guys who don’t and live at home forever stay immature forever. Its been 5.5 years, you have done your time and been patient…life will not wait for people to get their act together. I say start dating other people and do your own thing and let him feel how having “no responsabilities” feels like. If he is able to wise up, mature and treat you the way you deserve after all of this, then maybe there is a chance…but right now I say take care of YOU do your own thing, and if he truly loves you and wants to marry you then he will come screaming and running after you. Hei s the same age as you is he not? 28 ish?