Post # 1
I’m just wondering about this out of curiosity and after reading another post where the OP was concerned about a lack of disagreement. What are other relationships like with regards to arguments/fights? I remember my first fight with my SO I was devastated. I hate confrontation and was so scared he’d leave me or something silly. I called my mum in absolute tears and I remember her commenting that fighting wasn’t normal… that my dad and her never really fight and have been together almost 30 years. But then… having grown up in that household, I know that for the most part, my dad just accepts whatever is said unless it’s really important. I think that’s just a very different style and not necessarily any better. My SO and I fight every once in a while. I can count on one hand how many “fights” we have had in the past couple of years. Usually it’s just a disagreement and then it’s over with, we talk things through, and I feel like we’re stronger for it. But then I’ve also heard of people that have screaming matches, and I know that some of my friends really like a good fight every once in a while and would be bored without it.
So… what’s your disagreement style? What do you think is normal and not normal? I know I’ve been insulted a few times by my mum saying she doesn’t think it’s normaly to fight… kind of like she was saying my relationship wasn’t ok! I think every couple has a different way of working together, and I certainly wouldn’t be happy with having my SO roll over and accept everything I said whether he agreed with it or not. We get along great and he’s my best friend and I don’t think we’re unusual at all!
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dreaming42.
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Dreaming42.
Post # 2
Growing up, my parents would argue frequently, and it was pretty dramatic. I have a hard time being really mad at FI because he’s very sweet and, like me, very logical. There have been a few times I’ve been mad at him, but I would just be very straightforward about why I was mad. In our 18 months knowing each other, FI has never expressed frustration with me. Fortunately, I have an entire lifetime to break that streak ;). He is just really, really easygoing; it’s pretty amazing especially considering his dad, like my dad, can be a little hotheaded. I’m not sure if there’s really an “abnormal” for disagreements. Everyone’s different. I would be dissatisfied if I was always angry with FI.
Post # 3
it’s normal to fight. i have a great relationship where my SO knows how to say sorry and so do I! it’s more important then any argument we might have.
we also try not to fight dirty (no name calling, putting down, etc).
for us taking time to cool off is a must, so we know when to just walk away and cool down.
Post # 4
In 4 years I can not recall us ever “fighting”. We have had the occasional disagreement but it gets resolved fairly quickly.
Post # 5
We have about 3 arguments a year. But we get over them quickly and they are very civil- nothing dirty.
Post # 6
Dreaming42: I grew up in a dysfunctional yelling house. I REFUSE to have that in my relationships.
I REFUSE to tolerate yelling, shouting, and especially foul language. When tempers fly, that behavior only makes it worse.
I can count on one hand the number of arguments FI and I have had (3) in the 2+ years of being together. Never once have we sworn or insulted. Our fights are of course uncomfortable and awkward, but that is normal. That’s what makes us rush to fix the problem immediately, because neither of us want that in our house or relationship.
I have never felt afraid of saying how I feel, even if one of those arguments did cause him to break-up with me (for like 5 days, and then he spend two weeks begging for me to go back with him). If I can’t share what’s in my head and if we can’t talk out our problems, then we have no business being together.
Maybe you aren’t as sensitive as your mom, maybe your folks just have a different dynamic, I don’t know…. Everyone disagrees, and everyone fights, but not everyone fights fair. Maybe your mom is concerned about the latter. If I heard my daughter arguing with her man, I would be worried too. Relationships can be hard, but loving shouldn’t be. And people who love each other aren’t usually mean.
Post # 7
I have to wonder what the definition of argument is, lol. Because I think we fight way more than that, but it’s always resolved within the hour. Maybe I just think of disagreements as fights because I dislike confrontation with significant others so much. My ex and I never fought though and I couldnt take being right all the time – I need someone to put me in my place sometimes!!
Post # 8
coffeedrinker: Same here. I will not tolerate yelling, etc. I realize some people see it as a sign of “passion” , but I do not. I hate it.
Post # 9
My parents get on each other’s nerves, disagree, get heated, debate etc and they have been happily married for 40 years. its normal or else someones being a doormat!
as long as theres no name calling, threats, violence etc it’s just part of an intimate relationship.
Post # 10
We don’t fight, but I tell him how I feel about things that are important to me. Like a PP, I also will not tolerate a relationship that involves screaming or name-calling. When I say we don’t fight, I don’t mean that we never fight. It’s just rare. I think we had one fight this year (meaning we were angry and felt like crap about it for a few hours but no screaming or name-calling), but we had more than one disagreement (meaning we discussed something calmly, and no strong negative emotion was involved, and we were possibly even snuggling at the time), if that makes sense.
It’s true that we both pick our battles, but not in the sense that we are avoiding talking about things that matter to us.
Post # 11
My FI and I have never had a screaming match with one another. When we’re upset we both like to be left alone for a bit before we have a discussion. I’m the type of person who “hits below the belt” with my words, so forcing myself to cool off first and talk rationally later works for us.
Post # 12
We don’t really fight either. Maybe twice ever have we had what could be considered our version of a fight. We’ve been together three and a half years. Those two fights were more like standstills stretched out so long one of us had an emotional outburst. But neither were mean or personalized attacks just more of a ‘Ahhhhhhh I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS MUST SAY THEM OUTLOUD EMPHATICALLY!’ And things were resolved fairly quickly, within the hour. Overall we are both pretty down to earth and talk most things out.
I’m so glad to see a bunch of ladies have similar relationships. I’ve been chastised before that since we don’t have knock down fights, we aren’t a ‘real’ couple quite yet and ‘just wait, juuuuuuust wait, it’s coming’. Also been told we must lack passion since we never yell at each other or get so annoyed or angry we just ‘want to toss em across the room’.
As if we are missing out on some certification of authenticity for our relationship since we haven’t screamed at each other, hurled insults or had to be physically restrained.
Post # 13
Interesting comments 🙂 I think that compatability with regards to disagreements is something not often talked about but very important in a relationship. If you’re with someone who is polar opposite in how they respond, it just wouldn’t work!
My SO and I probably have never had a “fight” by the normal defintion either. He knows that I really hate conflict. I think in any fight/disagreement/what have you, respect is so important, and respecting how your SO wants to be treated in conflict. Both my SO and I agree that swearing, being disrespectful, saying hurtful things is off limits. Neither of us woulf ever say something hurtful anyways. I think that he is more vocal than I am about how he feels, and I tend to withdraw and not want to talk, and we get that about eachother. So we compromise and just talk it out and get on with it. 🙂 I definitely think that our disagreements have helped us grow and become closer as a couple… I can see that we are much better at communicating than we were at the beginning. I have no fear telling him how I’m feeling about things and vice versa. I just remember after our first fight when we talked after and he was apologetic and understanding and rational… I was like, woah… this is definitely not my ex! My ex (clearly for a reason) would blow up and swear at me and get defensive.
Post # 14
I am a firm believer that if two people never argue or disagree on something, then one of them isn’t being honest with their feelings, which isn’t healthy.
Ive learned that it’s not about avoiding conflict, it’d about learning how to work through conflict in a healthy way. Screaming isn’t healthy, just like bottling up things isn’t healthy. Once you learn to work through conflict with your partner, life will be so much more happier, true and fulfilling for both parties. Anyone can avoid conflict by ignoring things, but it takes effort to learn how to resolve issues.
Eta: I don’t mean “fighting”, I just mean conflict. DH and I will disagree on things, but very rarely do they turn into “fights”. I can count our fights on one hand, but that doesn’t mean we agree 100% on everything else. We can disagree without it becoming a fight.
Post # 15
My husband and I don’t really fight, sure get into disagreements and occasionally don’t agree on things and do get pissed off but despite having pretty serious tempers (takes a lot for us to get angry) we rarely argue. I guess after coming out of a relationship where it was a shouting match everyday, it’s nice having a marriage where we don’t fight. My ex and I fought all the time, and it wasn’t pretty. In fact that was probably my defining moment in realizing that I could do better.