Post # 1
Brand new minted Bee here, though I’ve been lurking on the boards forever!
Boyfriend or Best Friend (or is it SO?) have been together a year and a half. This is it. This is perfect. We want to get married next year, but his parents have basically said no due to some old fashioned ideas.
They have refused to come to the wedding, which is very important to me that they come.
We are literally at a standpoint. My parents are pressuring me to be married by next year, according to our customs. It’s been like this for the past 8 months. Sometimes, I just want to pack up and leave by myself and just keep driving.
Everything seems so hopeless. I just needed to vent and write this here, on a website I’d always hoped to be part of as a bride one day 🙁
Post # 3
What culture are you? I’m not sure what customs are common for your family… but it sounds like you and your parents both want you to get married by next year. It seems like you guys are on the same page…?
Is there any hope of talking to your FI’s family?
Post # 4
Thanks for the response!
I’m South Asian. My parents, I and SO are on the same page. We’ve talked to his family for the past 8 months, they just won’t budge. SO is at his wits end, but he doesn’t want to abandon them either.
Post # 5
Unfortunately, it seems like a situation where your SO will have to choose between his original family and the family he wants to start. If he chooses to be with you, he’ll have to stand up for you until his family accepts you and you both have to be prepared that this may never happen.
Post # 6
Well this is odd….so you need to get married in 8 months because it is important in your culture, but you Fiance and his family are of the same culture, but they are opposed? Could you elaborate a little? From the little you’ve told us, it sounds like his parents are being difficult for the sake of being difficult. I’m just curious. I think if you and your SO are on the same page, that’s all that matters. Whatever decision you make, he should be backing you up and not caving in to his folks, they seem to be acting like the children.
Post # 7
You mentioned an arranged marriage in the title of your thread. Do his parents want him to marry someone else?
Post # 8
Since Im a girl, they want me to be married. Since he’s a guy, he’s got a while to go. We’re both only 23. But yes, his parents really don’t have strong reasons except his age. They are acting like children, throwing tantrums and blackmailing him .
I’ve tried a lot to win them over.
Post # 9
They don’t have anyone specific, but his mom wants to be the one to pick
Post # 10
FYI: Both of us are well educated, grew up in the US, and are settled in jobs. It just doesn’t make sense
Post # 11
@Chimps Girl: Your Fiance needs to make a decision.
I say you should go through with the wedding YOU want, when YOU want it (You being yourself & FI). If his parents don’t show up, that is on them, not you two.
Post # 12
I’m sorry his parents are acting that way, that really sucks. BUT you are both adults, and you should make the decisions for the rest of your lives, as adults. If what you and SO want is to get married, why are you both letting his parents dictate wether you actually DO or not? I”m sorry to say that I have read a lot of posts on here of bee’s who’s parents continue to be unsupportive, but they have to do what is right for them. These parents may NEVER come around and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do. You cannot generally “win over” extremely stubborn/difficult people. There’s probably not a lot you can do to “impress” them enough to not be this way so, I would go ahead with what you feel is right and they can either come along for the ride or not.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Regarding getting married in 8 months- Unless you were born in the Year of the Dog, 2012 is considered by the Chinese to be an auspicious (good) year to get married. Based on a conversation with a Vietnamese friend, I believe this thought carries over to other South Asian cultures as well.
Post # 14
Well, this is tough. I think you both have to make a choice here. Either your parents budge on the timeframe or your Fiance marries you without his parents there. They will definitely come around eventually – it might not be until you have children – but they will come around. I have seen this scenario happen before (I am of indian descent and many of my friends are south asian), and if they don’t come around before the wedding, they definitely will afterwards. Have the parents spoken to each other?
Post # 15
@rebwana: It’s true. A lot of families pressure to marry on a certain day to bring luck. The 8-months of planning is also very common as 8 is a very lucky number.
Thankfully my Future In-Laws aren’t as old-fashioned, my Future Mother-In-Law speaks English like a boss and my Future Brother-In-Law was born and raised here. If anything, it’s really my side that leans towards the traditional Catholic church and Chinese seafood restaurant reception idea.
My advice is to save face towards your in laws but try to keep your distance. My mom has a terrible relationship with my dad’s side of the family and she’s catered to them, but survives because she doesn’t see them too often (4-5 times a year). Western families see their extended families much less. Adopt this idea. It’s worked for me.
Post # 16
You’re South Asian..are you Indian or Pakistani? Is the only issue that she wants to pick her daughter in law? Or do you have something in your background (horoscope, family religion, caste) she objects to? That’s very unfortunate that she is so old fashion..is there anything your Fiance can do to convince her to change her mind? What is she looking for?
There must be some way to convince her to come round to it. Sometime it takes year..my middle school teacher was Indian and her husband was Chinese..she basically just arranged the entire wedding and let her parents know the day before..it was a come if you want or not kind of thing…after the kids starting arrive they came around…