Post # 1
Hi all, checking in back with my fellow waiting bees. BF is so hard to figure sometimes, or maybe it is hard to please. We’re in couples counseling, and that is helping. It just occurred to me that we are kind of like the Odd Couple. He needs everything to be spit-spot and in its place to feel at ease; I’m more comfortable with what I’ve always referred to as “an artful mess”. Sigh. He left early this morning because he said he needed to get out of the house for a while, was frustrated because the kitchen wasnt totally cleaned up and he is going to be making bread (that only he eats) later. I don’t eat it because I don’t like it. He seems to be cool with that.
Yesterday I spent a big chunk of time hammering out the first draft of our prenup, with his help and input. He wants to do it before proposing. Okay. That isn’t so awful, right? He got took majorly on his first marriage and doesn’t want that to happen again. We talk openly about finances and pretty much everything. I do realize that we each need time to ourselves. And, he came with me yesterday to a reading of part of the Vagina Monologues, which I was performing in. We have our full-on performances next weekend. (Yay!)
I don’t know what the thing is with him and cleanliness….I’m not saying he’s bad or wrong, just that it drives me up the wall! Will I always feel a little rejected because I don’t have his same standards of cleanliness? Do I need to learn to perform cleaning “ceremonies” (making myself do it when I don’t care) for him to be at ease? I look forward to your replies. Sigh.
Post # 3
I am one of those people, like your BF, who needs everything to be in it’s spot.
My home is my sanctuary where I can come and relax. If it is all messy I cannot relax! I get anxious and uncomfortable because i know there is something for me to do and I shouldn’t be relaxing.
I think compromises need to be made about the state your home should stay in. Luckily FI and I are the same way and so every night when we go to bed the kitchen is spotless and we never really leave anything else out of place. Everything in our house has it’s own home and that’s where it belongs. The kitchen and the bathrooms are the two places that I need to have spotless. I feel like I can’t clean myself if the bathroom is not clean and that I can not cook healthy nourishing food if the kitchen is dirty/messy.
Maybe the kitchen is his place that he needs spotless and so maybe you could compromise and clean up after yourself in the kitchen after every meal?
Post # 4
What % of the cleaning and straightening up would you say he’s doing?
I think that a “neat person” and a “messier person” can live together peacefully if the neat one takes on more of the upkeep (since they’re the one who cares) and the messier one doesn’t take it personally. In my opinion – as a messy person myself – I can try to compromise and be a little more thoughtful about not making messes, but I’m never gonna be super fastidious about house cleaning (like one of those people whose home is “company ready” 100% of time time) – it’s just not me. My FI is neater – but he doesn’t make me feel bad about my ways or act like there’s something wrong with me.
Post # 5
haha my FI is pretty tidy and neat. i’m not. he deals with it:) i think he knows i’m never going to be the perfect housewife, but he does see i try… in my own way. dont feel rejected about how much he wants the place to be clean. dont take it too personally.
Post # 6
I also think that if one partner prefers things a great deal cleaner than the other, it’s that partner’s responsibility to clean anything above and beyond what someone would consider “average cleanliness.” Figuring out what exactly that is tends to be the hard part.
I think the average person cleans their kitchen and bathrooms thoroughly once a week. Maintenance stuff, like wiping down counters and putting dirty towels in the hamper or hanging them up is usually done on a daily basis. Vacuuming, dusting and cleaning glass is usually done once a week, as is going through the house and putting random stuff away that hasn’t been put away throughout the week. That’s pretty average, I think. So if your clean freak partner needs stuff cleaned any more than that, he should be responsible for doing it and not give you crap if you don’t. At the end of the day anything beyond “average clean” is his personal preference, so he should be in charge of maintaining that.
I’m a fair deal messier than my FI. Fortunately, he accepts that he prefers things cleaner than the average person and goes about cleaning to his specifications without complaint. I’ll help clean, but not above and beyond the “average” cleaning I described above because we both agree that so long as you do what I described above, no one can consider you a slob.
Post # 7
I don’t think it would hurt to maybe try and make an effort to pick up after yourself a little tiny bit more, but overall I agree… if he likes everything to be really tidy, than he should be responsible for that.
I tend to like everything really clean and neat, so I usually find myself (naturally) cleaning up the place. My SO isn’t super neat, but he makes an effort to keep things a little tidy (Puts away dishes in the dishwasher after using them, puts his video game stuff away after using it, ect) It works for us.