(Closed) Article: Marrying the Wrong Guy

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t know if people will answer this honestly. I would add a pole. I wouldn’t do it, but I have friends who have.

Post # 5
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

I can totally understand this happening–once you’re engaged there is so much pressure. There’s also a lot of pressure to say yes when being proposed to! Then there’s pressure to stay in the marriage . . . etc. I don’t think I would be able to go through with the marriage if I had any nagging doubts. I wouldn’t be able to say the words.

Post # 6
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

For me marriage is far too permanant to be going into it knowing it isn’t right. I’d have to be 110% positive that this person is to be my life forever. So my answer to this is HELL NO! lol

Post # 7
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that there is a difference between being not completely sure, and seeing serious warning signs.

Like the article I posted says, I think most women are waaaay too picky; they’re dating a man and they think, “well, he’s just not perfect.”

But I strongly believe that since marriage is forever, that once you get married, he *becomes* Mr. Right.

I think that the first lady in the first article should have worked harder at making her marriage work. How selfish of her, especially when she had two children to cause extra emotional difficulties for them, how selfish of her to deliberately choose to be unhappy in her marriage to get her husband to divorce her! 

Everyone goes through difficult or dry periods in their marriage. The difference is with those who CHOOSE to LOVE. Who know that marriage is hard work and sometimes requires giving up your own desires for the good of the marriage.

But, like I said at the beginning, there is a difference between thinking things like, “I’m don’t always *feel* totally in love with him,” or wondering something like if he’s lying to you. 

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I wouldn’t go through with it if I had doubts.  I had a lot of doubts throughout my engagement,  but never about my husband.  I couldn’t imagine going ahead with something as permanent as marriage having doubts…

Post # 9
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think there are a lot of good points in here.  I’ve seen some people and friends so desperate for a ring, ANY ring, that it doesn’t become about the man and if he’s right, but about the proposal, the ring, the wedding…the marriage part tends to fade into the background. 

I noticed recently such a huge emphasis put on weddings (notice, not marriage).  All those shows show the bride finding the right dress, the best venue, the perfect music…what happened to the guy in all of that?  What happens AFTER the wedding. 

There’s a lot of women who get it and understand the wedding is ONE day, the marriage is for life.  It’s just so sad to see women so frantic to get a ring and a wedding that they don’t see what comes after.

Note: I am not saying anyone here is doing this, this is more from personal experience in my own life with people I know.

Post # 10
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

This reminds me. . . I was at a party the other day with a lot of married couples (and they all had babies). And one wife said to her husband “I don’t always like you, but I always love you.” That’s just how I feel about my FI too! I think that’s how it is, and someone who thinks they will always like the other person is never going to find Mr. Right, but I think a lot of women are looking for that.

Post # 11
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

I will admit to trying it. Not marriage but a loooooooong three year, live in relationship.

I tried to tell myself I would learn to find him attractive and I would learn to love him as more than a friend.

I was mid thirties and I was scared I wouldn’t find anyone before I was 40.  He and I got along just great so I figured, ‘why not?’

It doesn’t get better, it gets worse. I was SO depressed with him.  I hated myself and my life.  It was awful.

When I finally said to myself, “enoughs enough.. I don’t care if I don’t meet mr. Right before I’m the dreaded.. Duh duh duhhhh 40!”  I was then truly happy on my own, loved my life, and loved who I was by myself.  I can’t say I didn’t want to find love, but I was OKAY if I didn’t.

Then I met Mr. 111 and everthing just fell into place.  And nope, I didn’t get a ring before I was forty either, and I am A-OK with that 🙂

Post # 12
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Her ring was 7 carats?  That’s insanely huge.  Methinks someone went gold digging and realized that loveless marriages aren’t for her…

Post # 13
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Fascinating.  The article brings up so many ideas.

First, I agree there is societal pressure to continue with an engagement and get married.  I’ve told people who have broken off their engagement that I really respect the decision they made, because it’s a really tough one.  You don’t want to rock the boat (upset people, downpayment gone, etc.) or you think maybe it’s cold feet.

Next, I’d love to see a study that followed people during their engagement time period and after.  I wonder how much this is “hindsight is 20/20” effect here.  I think to a degree it’s true, but I’d like numbers backing it up.  Also, are there any married people who thought it might be a mistake wedding day but right now are happy?  (i.e. it was just cold feet)

But yes, I also agree with the second article, that people sometimes have unrealistic expectations of marriage and of their ideal partner, and are disappointed sometimes as a result.  That might be the reason walking down the aisle some of these women weren’t sure.

Post # 14
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t do it.  I haven’t done it.  I’ve been engaged 3 times and backed out of all 3 because while planning for my perfect wedding the red flags started coming out.  Yes, I’ve lost a lot of money in planning weddings, but I’m not divorced.  Unfortunately, I think the next time I do get engaged, my family will think of me more along the lines as the boy who cried wolf and not take me seriously.  In the process though, I found a new respect for myself I never knew I had.  I was serious about marrying each of them in the beginning.  I couldn’t imagine my life without them.  But as time drew on, I don’t know if they had changed because they thought they already had me and didn’t have to keep trying?  I don’t know what the answer is.  Whatever it is, it caused each of them to do stupid things and taught me more about myself than I could have ever thought possible.

Post # 15
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have one such cousin who has planned out her ENTIRE wedding in her head. Down to the details of what accessories she will have on! But she doesn’t have a man yet. No bf, no ‘leads’ on any guys whatsoever. Undecided

Some people are so caught up in the wedding that they are blinded to everything else. These ppl DO exist!

Post # 16
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have one such cousin who has planned out her ENTIRE wedding in her head. Down to the details of what accessories she will have on! But she doesn’t have a man yet. No bf, no ‘leads’ on any guys whatsoever. Undecided

Some people are so caught up in the wedding that they are blinded to everything else. These ppl DO exist!

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