- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Hi ladies, need to be a little honest about my feelings. a very good friend of mine has opted to back out of my bridal party due to her pregnancy, being due the very WEEK of my wedding. yes, i am happy for her having another child. but i cant help feeling a little upset/disappointed about the timing. she seemed so excited to be a part of everything, so it seemed a bit of a slap in the face when she broke the news. even got the feeling that she's "over" weddings since hers was recent. i know "babies trump weddings" but i'm curious if anyone has ever felt the same way. or if u were ever in my friend's predicament, if it was easy to back out and disregard your prior commitment to your friend?
I think she is trying to do you a favour by backing out of the bridal party, and of course it wouldn't be an easy decision for her. At 39weeks pregnant and about to drop I doubt she would be able to handle being a bridesmaid, as it can be a fairly full on role and that is a time that she is meant to be resting and preparing for the birth of her child. If I were in her position I would back out as well, there would be no way my body could handle the added stress. Hopefully she will be able to come to your wedding and celebrate with you though.
Maybe she can still help out with some of the getting ready for the wedding, ask her if she still wants any part and just is backing out because of the timing. She might have backed out though to be polite to you since she could be in the hospital the day of the wedding. I've gotten a bit of a hard time for not wanting to go on trips to weddings/reunions in the weeks surrounding my due date but my insurance only pays full price at two hospitals so if I were to go into labor when we're a few hours away it would mean a couple thousand out of pocket and not delivering in a place I'm familiar with so I'm standing firm.
My MOH was actually trying to get pregnant during my engagement and I was sooo excited for her. She ended up having a hard time so she wasn't pregnant at my wedding but if she had been I would have been thrilled with her. I'm a big believe that having a baby is way more important than a wedding. Now, if she had to drop out I would of course be disappointed. She's obviously one of the most important people in my life. But I would never be mad or upset with her. She didn't plan it maliciously.. so try to be understanding.
I'm sure she wasn't "downing" your wedding or anything. It wouldn't be smart for her to be in it, pregnant and she will be thinking a lot more about her pregnancy at that point, but who can blame her when she'll be about to give birth, or have given birth.
i agree the situation is best for her to back out and i appreciated her honesty of the situation. other friends and even our mothers think it was a little selfish on her part to not be there for me as i was for her and as she previously committed, or to "time" it better as not to be the same time. i say there are no hard feelings and the friendship is still solid and that their comments are not a reflection of our friendship. but i can't help but wonder if they have a point.
I'm sorry you're hurt, but she probably won't be physically able to stand for all the pictures and then stand for the ceremony and then walk around and greet people at the reception. On a normal day, that's enough to exhaust a person. Imagine carrying around a full-sized baby in your stomach and then doing all of it :).
I'm sure she's just as excited as ever about your wedding, she just won't be able to stand as a member of the wedding party. I'm sure she'll want to keep planning and dreaming about it with you.
My situation is a little different. My best friend is getting married next year when my daughter will be just about 13 months old. She asked me originally to be MOH and I've told her that I'd be more comfortable as a bridesmaid because of my responsibilities to my family. Being in a bridal party is a big commitment and if the baby was to get sick, couldn't travel, etc I would feel awful but would have to choose my family first. It sounds like your friend feels the same way. What if she's in labor or has just had the baby right before the wedding? I'm sure she'd feel horrible to leave you short a bridal party member even though it is out of her control. Also being in a wedding is a big expense, possibly one she isn't comfortable taking on while preparing for an addition to her family. I'm sorry you're going through this but my advice is to try not to take it too personally. Good Luck!
@sumsumlovin: I TOTALLY know how you're feeling... One of my very best friends told me a few weeks ago that she's pregnant and she is due two weeks after our wedding... Since she lives four hours away, it's a bit of a challenge. She offered to bow out of the wedding, but I totally want her apart of our day, so I said no - we'll role the dice.
I struggled in the days following when she told me... I felt so guilty for feeling hurt... She we've been engaged for almost a year and I asked her to be a part of the wedding right after we got engaged, so she's known when the wedding was for a long time... Also, I went above and beyond for her wedding and was there for her every step of the way and I was hoping for the same in return. Of course, all of this was unwarranted, but you can't help how you feel.
But her pregnancy was not exactly planned and shit happens. I am elated that she's pregnant and I know she'll do everything she can to be there that day. We'll make the best of whatever happens and there or not, she'll be an awesome bridesmaid. And hey - at least we have a DD at the bachelorette party!
Oh - side note - her husband is also in the wedding, so if the little one does decide to make an early appearance, it will be a double whammy to our bridal party. :) Ce la vie!
@sumsumlovin:other friends and even our mothers think it was a little selfish on her part to not be there for me as i was for her and as she previously committed, or to "time" it better as not to be the same time.
WOW...incredible. Let me go to bed before my pregnant mouth says what I really think.
I can understand your feelings, but I would guess that she's backing out to do you a favor rather than to insult you or make you feel like you're not important to her. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, and could not be in a wedding right now. I'm tired, sore, achy, and praying to go into labor right-this-minute!!! I would feel awful if I agreed and then at the last minute went into labor early or was in bed rest and had to back out.
I would let your friend know that you really care about her and even if she isn't an official BM anymore, that you would love for her to participate in your wedding events if she's feeling up to it.
@cheapchicbride thank you for sharing your experience. i too have been engaged over a year, and guess i was hoping for the same in return that i had done for her big day as well, and while i am happy for her, i cant help feeling a little guilty for feeling the twinge of disappointment that i too.
@msmamabear congrats on your pregnancy. it seems that comment made you angry, and it upsets me as well because they straight up said she doesnt value the friendship as much as i do and that hurts. i didnt quite see it that way.
@sumsumlovin:other friends and even our mothers think it was a little selfish on her part to not be there for me as i was for her and as she previously committed, or to "time" it better as not to be the same time.
Ummm... really? She has more of a commitment to her unborn child than what she ever would have to a wedding. I'm sorry, I just find that an incredibely selfish sentiment to suggest she should plan her family around your one day.
i agree it is selfish to feel that way, and i have no doubt i would do the same when the time comes for planning my own family, baby would come first without a doubt. i support her greatly, but it is very offputting to me when people in my life get infuriated on my behalf. and it makes me wonder if their points are valid. i dont mean to get anyone upset and it's refreshing to hear from those who have experienced similar situations and know where i am coming from.
You mentioned that your friend already had her wedding and you kind of felt like she didn't give as much of a hoot about yours? I can understand why that would be hard. As friends, we really need to give back what we receive, and vice versa. At any rate, I think your feelings are natural.
Wow... haha. If I was due the week of a wedding and had to back out and someone called me selfish, I'd tell them to go pound sand.
Sorry, but that's a little ridiculous. She's having a baby for goodness sake. You're upset about the "timing"? She's GIVING BIRTH. Send her a bouquet of flowers and let it go.
I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. My wedding is competing with the birth of our niece/nephew and I'm far from thrilled about it. I'll leave it at that.
Also, when we get married as brides, it is SUCH a big deal to US. When we helped others have that experience, we want and need the same.
thank you cbee. i agree it is just a natural human reaction. but yea i guess i feel she thought her wedding was important,(as it was, as is any wedding) and she expected us to do a lot to make her day perfect, (which we did) that it feels a little hurtful she is unable to reciprocate.
I understand you're a bit disappointed, and it sounds as though you're in a hard place, understanding where your friend is coming from but then having those not-so-nice comments from your family and friends. You're questioning whether your family has a valid point in making those comments? Well, unless there is more to the story that we don't know, they are absolutely NOT JUSTIFIED in making those comments! First of all, getting pregnant is not something that can be planned to the day in most cases - sometimes it takes a while, sometimes it happens straightaway. Second of all, I don't know on what planet other people think someone should plan their pregnancy around someone else's wedding! That to me is the epitome of selfish. Those comments make my blood boil so I'm going to stop here.
You sound as though you have a good head on your shoulders and are a good friend, please disregard those comments of your family and friends and focus on supporting your friend through her pregnancy while she supports you as best she can with your wedding.
I guess I do not understand the whole expecting people to plan the birth of their child around your wedding thing. My SIL is due about a month before my wedding and I couldn't be more thrilled for them. She plans on being our guestbook attendant with her newborn in a sling, lol. I understand feeling sad a friend won't be able to stand up for you or possibly even attend. I guess I just don't think my wedding is the most important thing. I've never understood the "thunder stealing" some brides complain about. My friend and I got engaged within 2 weeks of each other last fall and are both getting married this summer. We are having a blast planning together.
caitmarae wow i'm sorry i totally understand the conflicting feelings you must be experiencing, that has got to be tough.
ree i guess all there is to add is that we're still pretty young. and she was vocal about being very "careful" for her own wedding as not to be pregnant for it. and she expected a lot from us to make her day and the days leading up to it perfect. and not to get too much into it, she was planning to wait for some other things to come together for them and to be a bit older before trying for the next. obviously she changed her mind and is entitled to do so. i am trying to be there for her and i believe she is doing the same to the best of her ability. i guess it's hard since she moved on from "wedding" and i'm still very much immersed in it.
Hi sumsum, I think she obviously does value your friendship if she was excited about the wedding! But having a child is a much bigger stress than it sometimes seems to outsiders, and "timing" is NOT as easy-peasy for some as for others.
For a parent/future parent, nothing on earth is as important as their child. Certainly the timing of a friend's wedding, even if they are in the bridal party, is nothing compared to preparing to give a new human the best possible start in life.
But a wedding -- nobody is going to be AS excited as the bride/groom/maybe parents. Perhaps your friend didn't realize that when she was planning her own wedding, and asked too much of you!
So when all those people get infuriated "on your behalf", I suggest you say something along the lines of "are you suggesting that one of my good friends should try to plan her conception and childbearing around a wedding day?" and make them 'fess up to how silly their (il)logic really is. As soon as you make it clear that you do NOT on any level condone that type of thinking, they will stop teasing you about how your bridesmaid doesn't love you enough because how dare she have a child anytime near *your day* and worry about other things.
And they are absolutely wrong if they are suggesting that the timing of the birth says anything about her feelings for your friendship or her support of your marriage, which it seems like you already know :)
Basically, you are a good friend. Stick to your guns!
Oh my goodness, I was in exactly the same situation as you for my recent wedding. I got engaged last March (2010) and right away my fiance and I knew we would have a very small destination wedding of some kind. I asked my best friend and her family (husband and toddler) if they would come and stand up for me. They were to be the only non-family members in attendance. My best friend immediately agreed, and we were all excited. Fast forward to August 2010. My friend pulls me aside and tells me she is three months pregnant, and due two weeks before the wedding. Clearly, she can't travel that soon after birth (C-section) and with a toddler running around too, it's just impossible to make it work.
I was, and am still, very sad that she could not be with me on my wedding day. Like the OP, when my best friend married it was all-consuming for her and I worked like crazy to help her have an awesome wedding. And for my wedding, she really couldn't do anything.
Bottom line is while I certainly don't expect my friends to plan their pregnancies around my major life events, it can't lie and say it wasn't disappointing the way things turned out. Babies trump weddings indeed. And when you are like me, and marry in your 30s, most of your friends are busy building their families, and have decided that weddings are silly parties that no one remembers or cares about once they have kids. The general attitude I've gotten from the already married couples with kids has been a serious buzzkill.
But you know what? My wedding was wonderful and memorable, and my sweet best friend had a healthy baby boy. In the end, you are being a good friend and putting on a brave face for your friend's sake. You are a good person, and I hope you stay that way no matter how your friends and relatives want you to feel.
@Miss Sequoia: You said that so much better than I did!!!! That was my point exactly! :-)
Thanks!
Yes, it did upset me because a lot of ppl here and in real life, act like their wedding trumps everything in everyone else's life. All this thunder stealing is just silly. I would be incredibly upset if a friend thought I didn't care about her wedding because I have to back out to give birth. PPL can't plan getting pregnant to the day, if they could, a lot more teachers (like me) would plan to give birth right before summer vacation, not in Sept. which is my due month.
other friends and even our mothers think it was a little selfish on her part to not be there for me as i was for her and as she previously committed, or to "time" it better as not to be the same time.
I know this is not how you feel, as you explained above, but I am a little shocked anyone feels that way. Family planning is not an exact science, and it seems like these other friends and your mothers expect your friend to put her plans on hold for things like weddings, and that seems far more selfish than anything your friend has done. I am glad you clarified that is not your position.
As far as feeling sad, I think it's perfectly fine to feel disappointed that your close friend won't be able to participate. I mean, of course you want her there. But it's not really rejection- I'm sure she is as disappointed as you are that she won't be able to have a direct role in your wedding.
You can't really "time" a pregnancy, and even if you could, there's always going to be something in the way. I understand that it sucks for you that she can't be in the wedding, but it's not fair to ask her not to get pregnant for you.
I can understand being upset that she can't be part of your party -- but yeah, babies trump weddings hands down. I can't imagine her standing there at 9 months pregnant! I hate to say it, but maybe someday you'll understand that. It's hard until you've been in her position.
@MsMamaBear: Im with you. I needed to keep my mouth shut, not at OP, but at the fact that the moms and others thought that way. OP-I get your feelings, but you need to evaluate WHY youre disappointed. Is it really because you feel dejected, or because you are disappointed that she cant be there and you love her? I agree with other posters before me who said you ARE a good friend, I dont want you to think Im attacking you. Im just surprised that other people (adults mainly) have the same feeling when theyve been through this.
I had an 8 months pregnant BM in my wedding and was THRILLED for her (actually Ill be pregnant in her wedding in 3 weeks too lol). Had she have had to bow out, would I have been disappointed? Yes, but ONLY for the reason that she is one of my very best friends and would be missing it...not because she was "over weddings" or "competing with my wedding" or "taking attention away." Im actually a little appalled that someone suggested that a friemd plan their pregnancy around a wedding...really??...nevermind. I love my friends, but Im not putting my reproductive life on hold for a weding.
@UpstateCait: I cant believe you would even look at the birth of a niece or nephew as COMPETITION to your wedding. I mean seriously? Becoming an aunt was the best thing to happen to me, I was THRILLED for my brother and SIL when they got pregnant. And I would have been even more thrilled if they were pregnant during our wedding. I can assure you nobody else views it as a competition except for you. You need to remember that just because your wedding is teh most important thing to you right now, its not the most important thing to everybody else
I think it's okay to FEEL disappointed - you thought she'd be in your wedding - and that you'd share the experience with her. It's just not okay to assume she did it on purpose.
You're allowed to feel how you feel and you acknowledged that it was selfish (I'm pregnant and bummed about trying to get back in shape - totally selfish - but that's how I feel).
I can understand why she'd back out. BUT I can also understand how you'd feel like she didn't really care about your wedding if she never asks about it because some women DO ditch on friends once they get pregnant and it's totally sucky.
I don't think you should expect her to help much BUT I don't think it's unreasonable that someone who is your friend should still take an interest in your life.
I know no one will agree with me here, but I actually believe WEDDINGS trump BABIES. I've always felt that way and I always will. My reasoning, stay with me here, is that anyone can get pregnant at any time. Yes it is a life changing event (obviously), but it's a choice people have more control over. To meet a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, nurture the relationship to get to that point and actually go through with the stress and craziness of a wedding is a much bigger deal than getting pregnant. Plus, (for married parents) without the wedding there is no baby. I mean I know it's physically possible to get pregnant without even so much as knowing a guy for more than a couple hours so don't jump on me for that statement. What I mean is the union of two people that leads to the baby being born is a bigger jump and harder to come by than the pregnancy.
Anyway. She stinks if she's making you feel not as important. I dealt with this issue myself, there were almost 10 preggos at my wedding. But I'm really lucky and have great friends and family so no one made me feel unimportant. The only thing I had to compromise on was allowing the kids to be part of the day, but that ended up almost being the highlight of my wedding.
The only thing you can really do is support her decision. But the unfortunate thing about weddings is everyone you know is actually forced to SHOW you how important you are to them. So your friendship might not be the same after this.
And if she chose to attend your wedding and went into labor during the ceremony or reception, I'm sure you'd have been mad she stole your thunder. She's doing what's best for her and her family. This is unfortunate timing for you since you want her there, but neither you, nor anyone else, has the right to be mad at her for making this decision. It's not about YOUR wedding, it's about HER child; it has nothing to do with her being "over" weddings. Your friends aren't right to criticize her either.
@moderndaisy: Uh "Anyone can get pregnant at any time"??? You might want to check out the infertility sticky...comments like that will piss a lot of of posters off because it's totally UNTRUE.
I think the birth of a baby trumps a wedding but a pregnancy doesn't trump everything going on in your friends's lives. It's possible to still be a good friend AND be pregnant.
@moderndaisy: Really? What about the parents who have tried unsuccessfully for years to conceive and then finally do around the time of someone's wedding? Why is someone else's dream more important than theirs? In that case it's NOT like they can just get pregnant any time.
Are you planning on having kids one day? If so, when you get pregnant, you should read this comment and then have a good laugh. I promise you, the attention and care and worry you put into nurturing your pregnancy and child is going to make it seem like you threw your wedding together in 10 minutes in comparison.
My best friend from high school dropped out of my wedding about 5 days in advance- she was 7 months pregnant and didn't feel comfortable flying (she'd lost a previous pregnancy and was very cautious). Was I upset? Heck yes! I MISSED her! She lived a few hours (by plane) away and I almost never got to see her. I'd flown back from a job in Asia in order to be in her wedding about four years earlier, and it was great, and I was really really looking forward to getting to share that experience with her. I was SO excited for her pregnancy. As soon as she told me, I said I was just going to keep my fingers crossed that she could be there and if she wanted to stand up, sit down, wear sweatpants, or just eat donuts and fart throughout the entire ceremony, that was fine. I just wanted her to be a part of the day. And then she couldn't make it, and that was really sad. Which I think is legit- I would have loved to see her big ol' belly in my photos, and to see her do the pregnant lady waddle on the floor (just as I sported an unfortunately non-pregnant-yet-still-large belly in her photos and busted out my own awkward dance moves). But that's life, and I would NEVER expect or want her to a.) plan her family around anyone else's anything, or b.) feel pressured to make any choice besides the one best for her kids. And honestly, now it's 3 years later and I'm pregnant myself and due in a month, and the fact that she wasn't there is still a shame, but it's really not a big deal. At all. She's really excited now for me and is willing to listen to me whine about my wonky boobs and gas problems and heartburn and such, and the fact that she didn't make my wedding pales entirely in comparison to the excitement I have in thinking about introducing my future kid to her brood (she now has three).
Also, I love my friends, and every pregnancy is different, but honestly now at 36 weeks all I can focus on is not throwing up and trying to be at least partially functional at my job. It could be my sister getting married and I'm sure I'd still be a slacker bridesmaid because I honestly just do not have it in me to do more than just get through each day's bare minimum of requirements like bathing and getting to the office.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 23 |
| fishbone | 15 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ladyartichoke | 10 |
| ndreighton | 10 |
| mypinkshoes | 9 |
 sylvia.riggle |
9 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
