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Does she even know you knew the ex? I think for me I would have been like "what?! Joey dated my friend Jane for 7 years!" right away, so it's harder for me to put myself in your shoes. I think that maybe if you approach it as a "maybe i'm wrong but he looks SO much like..." type thing, that might spark her interest. If she has suspicions she might ask more. Do your other friends feel the same- maybe a group thing would be best to tell her. What a horrible situation!
Hmmm... that's tough. If I was in your position, I would tell her what you know, but without inserting your opinion. Although if he is manipulative, as it seems, be aware that he may try to turn her against you.
I think she needs to know. Is there any way you can give him an ultimatum? Either he tells her or your friends do?
I think you should talk to her. Their relationship is moving very fast and is predicated on at the very least omissions of the truth, but very likely lies. Your friend is probably going to be emotional and might just get mad at you, but I think if you truly think he is doing wrong by her, you owe your best friend an honest chat. I think its honorable and very best-friend worthy that you are concerned with this situation and are trying to do the best thing.
I would tell her and I am sure your other friend has pictures and such of them together so it isn't like he can really deny it and get away with it. I know from my stand point I would want to know. I know my best friend well enought to know she is looking out for me and that she wouldn't say something unless she had a right to be concerned.
I couldn't NOT tell her about that, even if it meant sacrificing the friendship. I'd say "I'll understand if you don't want to be friends anymore after I tell you this, but I thought you should know."
i agree that she needs to know. what is your relationship with the fi? is there anyway you could tell him that he needs to either tell your friend the truth about your past, or you will?
Oh wow. That's a really tough spot I'm SO sorry. (((HUGS)))
Well unfortunately I think she needs to know that he has been lying to her before she commits her life to this man. At the same time, know that if you are the one to break all this news to her, she may not be ready or want to hear it and may turn on you - not because she doesn't love you, but because that is a LOT to process and she isn't going to want to believe you ESPECIALLY since they are engaged. Even if they were simply dating that would be tough to take, but this is a whole different ball game. She is going to go through a gamut of emotions not only relating to having been decieved, but also think about the embarassment she is going to feel if she decides to call off the engagement. Jeez. I don't know. Maybe enlist some help from some other friends so it's not just you bearing the brunt of all this. Are there other mutual friends who could reinforce what you are telling her so it's not a he said/she said situation?
Again, I'm so sorry you're in this position!
ask yourself if you'd want to know. i know i would. i say tell her and let her know that you will be supportive of whatever she chooses to do, adn mean it. it is, after all, her decision to make. you may lose a friendship, but what if she found out later? she may be angry about it if you didn't tell her. we can't predict the future, so we have to do what we think is best now. my spiritual teacher once said, "do everything with love and let go of the results." i stand by that. no matter what the outcome may be.
I would personally say something. I agree with Ms. Beagle though, make sure that you're not coming off too opiniated.
I agree with the others. You need to tell your friend. Be prepared for a variety of reactions, with some strong emotions aimed at you or her SO. Just make sure you have the FACTS, and like others have said, don't give opinions. Then, support her as she processes and hopefully acts on this new information. Good luck, and I'm so sorry you have to do this.
Tell her. It's what friends do.
How bad would you feel keeping this from her? The guilt would eat me up inside.
I'd want to know every little bit so I had all the facts in front of me before I could confront him calmly and reevaluate.
I agree with what ladybuglove said, if the situation was reversed, would you want to know? I know I would! But definitely try to do so in a non-judgemental type of way.
I would want to know, I agree that telling her is the right thing, but do it in a non-judgemental way, try not to sound too opinionated, just be a concerned friend!
If you were my friend, I'd want you to tell me. It might be hard to hear at first, but dishonesty on this level is no way to start a marriage.
I would tell her without adding your opinions in.
Also, be prepared to find that she may not want to hear it or it may not make any difference. No one knows anyone else's relationship other than those involved. For him, yes, he may have dated the girl for 7 years but that does not mean that for him it was a loving, committed relationship. Maybe when he says "serious relationship" it means one he is completely involved whole-heartedly.
I remember in college one of my friend's ex boyfriends was totally playing his girlfriend who was very naive and thought that everything was great. I stepped in after he cheated on her with my friend. I ran into the guy with his girlfriend at a party and suggested he leave, the girl flipped and asked why I was being rude to him. I simply said "why don't you ask boyf where he was last Saturday?" he glared at me and said "yeah maybe we should go". For whatever reason though, the girl stayed with him. Now they are married with a kid (well, had a kid and got married). I think it was a mistake but there is only so much input you can give.
I second GaBGirl, be prepared if she doesn't want to hear it...One of my best friend's from college has a slimy BF whom I blatantly caught cheating on with a girl who was KNOWN to have herpes...I told the friend out of concern for her health and she hasn't really talked to me since but is still with the boyfriend...people have a hard time hearing truth they dont want to hear....Good luck!
I'm confused.. maybe its just the way I'm reading it.. but if this is your "Best friend", why are u just meeting her fiance now.. after they are already engaged? I would assume as best friends you would have heard about the guy pretty soon after she met him.. and could have warned her before things were serious. Also, do you have serious proof that he was still talking to his ex while dating your friend?
this whole story just seems confusing to me.
I'd say to tell her. I endured the pain of a cheating H and it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy..well maybe on the woman he cheated WITH though..(dark humor attempt).
If she is your friend, Iknow you both value honesty in the relationship. I'd have a sit down with her over coffee and let her know first how much you love her as a friend and how this is something that has been an internal struggle for some t ime but you feel she deserves to know everything..the truth too.
I am so sorry for your friend too. I truly wish her well and that she is able to move on from this situation and all the best for her future.
I second beagle, I would let your friend know the facts but try to hold back any opinion on the situation. Sort of like "hey, did you know that my friend __ dated__for 7 years....what a coincendence...." That should at least clue her in to the fact that he has fibbed to her about his past and being in a serious relationship. I know that I would find that news as a red flag to investigate further...
I agree that the best way to think of it is "would you want to know if it was you?" You should tell her as a friend; no drama, no opinions. Best of luck!
This is so difficult, because I know what you mean. Sometimes we watch people marry that should never get married!
In this case though, I would definitely speak up. Just in a totally non-judgmental way, like... "So I thought you might like to know, and I'm just saying this for your information, that Mr. Soandso apparently dated a casual friend of mine for 7 years, and it turns out he cheated on her a lot. I'm sure your relationship is different, but you know, I thought if I were in your position, I'd want to know."
Good luck!
You need to tell her, as objectively as possible, like Mrs. Beagle said. If you don't tell her and she finds out later that you knew all along, she may be angry with you. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I wish you the best of luck.
I think you should tell her. As a close friend, it'd be so hard to keep something like this from her. She might get upset with you but you're just doing your duty as a true friend and I think that is someting she will appreciate.
I think you should tell her. Just let her know that he was in a relationship with X for 7 years, and that they broke up because he cheated (and you may want to add that you don't think that he's cheating on your friend now, but you wanted her to know because you heard him tell her that he'd never been in a "serious relationship" before). Then again, this guy may not think that that relationship was serious. After all, he did cheat.
I also think you should talk to your friend. Better to say something now than to wait until they are married and he plays up or whatever and she finds out you knew something all along. That would probably make her more angry than you saying something now. Good luck!
I think I may stand alone on this one...but hear me out, 'kay?
Someone once told me, "Don't tell someone all there is to know just to make yourself feel better." If your friend is truly happy then this is her time to decide what she wants-she can marry him if she loves him. And, he may have dated the other girl for 7 years, but if he hadn't proposed to her and they hadn't married yet, maybe there was something holding him back? Now he is in love with your friend who he HAS proposed to and she is probably feeling like she's on top of the world-don't ruin it for her and tell her something that has nothing to do with her-he hasn't cheated on HER and their relationship is theirs to make what they'd like of it. Also, he might possibly have said that the other relationship wasn't serious because it might not have been to him-sometimes people remain in relationships because they're already there and they don't know how to get out...it can be a lengthy relationship, but that doesn't make it serious.
That's just my view-I read this post at work and have been holding out to be able to respond for hours! :)
Only tell her if you think he will do something to hurt during the marraige. It is better she find out now, than before she gets married and would have to deal with divorce.
If I were your friend, I'd want you to tell me... I'd probably be mad at the time, but I'd still want to know. I can't imagine she'll take it well, and it may hurt your friendship - but I think it would be 10 times worse to find our months, or years down the road and know that my "best friend" didn't speak up.
I think it's best if she knows. It's better now, then later when they have a few kids... And Everyone gets hurt.... :/
I would tell her.
My best friend has never met my FI. She knows his first name and has seen pics but she doesnt remember his last name, I'm sure and she lives in another state from us. She has only been able to visit twice since he & I got together and neither time was he able to come out with us due to work etc. It's not that uncommon.
i agree with you. i would have to tell her, even if it met she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.
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My best friend is getting married soon. We were really happy for her until we met her fiance. Her fiance dated one of my friends from college and he recently broke up with his ex-gf who he dated for 7 years because he cheated on her and she wouldn't take him back. Then he met my best friend early this year and told her that he had never been in a serious relaitonship before and he has lied many things to her. Sad part is, he was still talking to his ex-gf while dating my best friend. My best friend is naive and believes everything he says and has no clue about his past. I know it's not my business but it's my best friend and her life and she will eventually find out all about this about her soon to be husband. What do I do? As a friend, do I keep this little piece of information from her and not tell her or do I bring this info up to her? Please advice.