(Closed) As a close friend , do I tell her the truth about her fiance before her wedding?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Does she even know you knew the ex? I think for me I would have been  like "what?! Joey dated my friend Jane for 7 years!" right away, so it’s harder for me to put myself in your shoes. I think that maybe if you approach it as a "maybe i’m wrong but he looks SO much like…" type thing, that might spark her interest. If she has suspicions she might ask more. Do your other friends feel the same- maybe a group thing would be best to tell her. What a horrible situation!

Post # 4
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House

Hmmm… that’s tough.  If I was in your position, I would tell her what you know, but without inserting your opinion.  Although if he is manipulative, as it seems, be aware that he may try to turn her against you.

Post # 5
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

WHAT A LYING….

Post # 6
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think she needs to know.  Is there any way you can give him an ultimatum?  Either he tells her or your friends do?

Post # 7
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you should talk to her. Their relationship is moving very fast and is predicated on at the very least omissions of the truth, but very likely lies. Your friend is probably going to be emotional and might just get mad at you, but I think if you truly think he is doing wrong by her, you owe your best friend an honest chat. I think its honorable and very best-friend worthy that you are concerned with this situation and are trying to do the best thing.

Post # 8
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would tell her and I am sure your other friend has pictures and such of them together so it isn’t like he can really deny it and get away with it.  I know from my stand point I would want to know.  I know my best friend well enought to know she is looking out for me and that she wouldn’t say something unless she had a right to be concerned. 

Post # 9
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I couldn’t NOT tell her about that, even if it meant sacrificing the friendship. I’d say "I’ll understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore after I tell you this, but I thought you should know."

 

Post # 10
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i agree that she needs to know. what is your relationship with the fi?  is there anyway you could tell him that he needs to either tell your friend the truth about your past, or you will? 

Post # 11
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh wow. That’s a really tough spot I’m SO sorry. (((HUGS)))

Well unfortunately I think she needs to know that he has been lying to her before she commits her life to this man. At the same time, know that if you are the one to break all this news to her, she may not be ready or want to hear it and may turn on you – not because she doesn’t love you, but because that is a LOT to process and she isn’t going to want to believe you ESPECIALLY since they are engaged. Even if they were simply dating that would be tough to take, but this is a whole different ball game. She is going to go through a gamut of emotions not only relating to having been decieved, but also think about the embarassment she is going to feel if she decides to call off the engagement. Jeez. I don’t know. Maybe enlist some help from some other friends so it’s not just you bearing the brunt of all this. Are there other mutual friends who could reinforce what you are telling her so it’s not a he said/she said situation?

Again, I’m so sorry you’re in this position!

Post # 12
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ask yourself if you’d want to know. i know i would. i say tell her and let her know that you will be supportive of whatever she chooses to do, adn mean it. it is, after all, her decision to make. you may lose a friendship, but what if she found out later? she may be angry about it if you didn’t tell her. we can’t predict the future, so we have to do what we think is best now. my spiritual teacher once said, "do everything with love and let go of the results." i stand by that. no matter what the outcome may be.

Post # 13
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would personally say something. I agree with Ms. Beagle though, make sure that you’re not coming off too opiniated. 

Post # 14
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with the others. You need to tell your friend. Be prepared for a variety of reactions, with some strong emotions aimed at you or her SO. Just make sure you have the FACTS, and like others have said, don’t give opinions. Then, support her as she processes and hopefully acts on this new information. Good luck, and I’m so sorry you have to do this.

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Tell her. It’s what friends do.

How bad would you feel keeping this from her? The guilt would eat me up inside.

I’d want to know every little bit so I had all the facts in front of me before I could confront him calmly and reevaluate.  

Post # 16
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with what ladybuglove said, if the situation was reversed, would you want to know? I know I would! But definitely try to do so in a non-judgemental type of way.

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