As of yet, brother/SIL not invited to wedding. Thoughts?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

futuremrschristensen:  

I completely understand why you would want to omit your brother. I’m just wondering how much this will help your relationship down the road. It appears that your brother has always felt like you were favored. Rightly or wrongly, that has contributed to some of his questionable behavior towards you. As for being a bad aunt, you were having some medical issues which prevented you from being more involved. I believe that your brother and his wife should be understanding about that. 

I have three brothers but I only have relationships with two of them. The other one has been abusive to me my whole life; he also rejected me when I was sick with depression. Now that he is having a child, he is trying to reach out to me. I need to protect myself so I will send gifts for my niece but I will not see my brother. I also refuse to invite he and his family to my vow renewal. He just too violent and cruel to me. 

I used to have a deep resentment for my youngest brother because my mother was wonderful to him and very hard on me. My parents also gave him much more in adulthood than the rest of their children. I was able to let go of my resentments when I remembered that I am my husband’s favorite and that is all that matters. 

Post # 3
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

futuremrschristensen:  I have a rocky relationship my brother too. He doesn’t get along with most of my family and made it abundantly clear that he didn’t support my getting married. I went back and forth on whether or not I should send him an invitation. 

At the end of the day, though, I did wind up inviting him and just trusted that he wouldn’t show up. Perhaps that would be best in this situation. That way, he can’t play martyr and tell people how awful you are for not inviting him. The impetus is on him to respond. If he shows up, then that’s nice of him. If you have good friends and family they won’t care if he’s trash talking you. If one of my family did that, I’d tell them to can it so I could enjoy the day celebrating the married couple! But as estranged as you seem, he will probably make the decision my brother did and just not attend. 

I know it’s a difficult situation and at the end of the day the choice is yours. I hope you make the decision that’s best for you!

Post # 5
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Girl, we have lived the same life, I swear! Different circumstances & issues,  but the exact same outcome…resentment from a sibling regarding money! 

I completely understand how you feel about not wanting anyone at your wedding that hates you & that has treated you like crap. Just be thankful that you have the option to not invite them. My new husband’s brother’s wife, (I refuse to call her my SIL bc I don’t consider her family in the least bit) has only been around for 1/3 of the time that I have & has been the most stuck up, conniving, & shittiest person I’ve ever met…and I HAD to invite her to my wedding.  She came to my bridal shower and ate & left & did not say 1 single word to me…not even hi, bye, or thank you. She came to my rehearsal dinner, showed up drunk, was the only person who had 4 drinks, acted like a drunken fool, and again didn’t say 1 word to me, including thank you. She came to my wedding wasted, gave shitty looks all night, didn’t say 1 word to me…not even a thank you. Apparently the night before she took her dog & left to go stay somewhere else because she wasn’t allowed in my limo. First of all, I most certainly wasn’t in hers, but also we had 10 people in a 10 person limo, & all it did was take us from the church to the reception for pictures.  Why she wanted to be in my limo so badly yet couldn’t even say hi, bye, or thank you at any of my events, is beyond me. Actually it’s probably bc she wanted to make sure she could be an alcoholic like always. I’m so angry with my husband’s family bc this is just simply fine with them. No body cares that she is a wretched bitch…they just cater to her so that she doesn’t get upset again.  So you’re lucky that you have the choice to not have hurtful people at your wedding.  I know that you don’t want things to be that way. But I guarantee you that you’ll get an apology before me! I hope everything works out ok for you on your special day.

Post # 6
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

There were issues with my ex-husband favoring our daughter over our son. She was daddy’s little girl who could do no wrong. But he was overly critical of our son. He also couldn’t throw money at our daughter fast enough, yet our son had to somehow earn it /deserve it. I could not get through to him how incredibly harmful it was, no matter how hard I tried.

So I sat the kids down, (they were about 10 & 11) and had a frank discussion about the inequality taking place and that I expected them to do what the could to counteract it. I made it clear that if my daughter soaked it up and was smug and self-satisfied about it, it would be really obnoxious of her and her brother would just become more and more resentful and maybe grow to hate her for it. From that point forward, they worked as a team and shut down any attempts at favortism. If daddy gave her something, she’d say *where’s brothers?* or *why isn’t brother getting this too?* If there was something they or brother wanted to do, sister asked daddy because he was more inclined to say yes if the request came from her. Their father gradually, eventually evened things out on his own because they shut him down otherwise.

They’re in their late 20’s now and they still stick up for each other with their dad. They have each other’s backs. I am really glad that this is how it worked out for them because I came from the other side of things, where I was the one who continually went without so my 2 siblings could have more (I’m the middle kid). One example of this is, all 3 of us needed glasses but my parents could only afford for two of us, so I went without. Within weeks of getting their glasses, my sister sat on hers and broke them, so my parents paid for another pair. They did the same for my brother a couple months later. So, in about 3 months time, that was two pairs for each of them but none for me. Because they *couldn’t afford it*. Also, *forgetting* my birthday 4 years in a row. But remembering my sibling’s. One of whose birthday is 2 weeks afte mine. So yeah.

I’m mentioning my perspective because I’ve seen this a lot over the years and I really detest hearing *it’s not my fault they spoil me rotten and not you. Don’t be a jealous hater!* It’s kind of gross to soak up the privelege while also expecting to not get side-eye for it.

Post # 7
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

It’s a really tough situation, I had similar issues with my mother and really didn’t want to invite her, but ended up inviting her, but I did ignore her for most of the reception to be honest because I couldn’t deal with her negativity. Maybe you could do the same?

Also alot depends on whether you want to have a relationship with your brother or not, if you love him and want a relationship with him this is the chance to hold out the olive branch. If you donn’t want him in your life then obviously don’t invite him.

Either way make sure you don’t end up regretting your decision, once you make the decision not to invite your brother to your wedding there is no going back from that.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I didn’t invite my brother. But I really have no desire to reconcile with him or ever talk to him again and haven’t for 10years.  If you want to have any form of relationship ever with him, I’d invite your brother and his family to your wedding.  If he doesn’t come at least you tried. 

Post # 9
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would think about what you want both from your wedding and your relationship with your brother in the future and then think about if your actions will be working towards those goals.

If, ultimately, you decide that you don’t want a relationship with your brother, then don’t invite him.

If you want to try to salvage some degree of a relationship, invite him as a guest.

I think it’s way over the top, to dictate who your brother and your guests can socialize with outside of the times of your wedding festivities. If your brother wants to play golf with your cousin before your ceremony or have a beer with your uncle the next day, don’t try to stop him. You can’t dictate how everyone spends the entire time around your wedding.

Post # 10
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

futuremrschristensen:  To be really honest, I think it sounds like you resent your brother quite a bit, too (“He forgets that our dad put him through rehab about 5 times, spending easily over $40,000 to save his life. Yet because I had my education payed for I am the bad guy?”). It doesn’t sounds like you have much compassion for your (clearly troubled) brother – if it were my brother, I’d be rejoicing in the fact that he is still alive and was able to move forward with his life, even if he is still emotionally immature. <br /><br />I’m sure he feels that it is hard to live up to a sister who has done everything “right” when he’s made so many mistakes. I’ve known many people who have struggled with sobriety and I feel awful for them; it’s a terrible disease that hurts everyone around the person, but usually hurts the individual themselves the most. Perhaps your brother is still upset with himself for the mistakes he’s made and is (wrongly) aiming his displaced anger on you. Regardless, I’m sorry you’re in a tough situation but in all fairness it seems that you are playing the victim rather than being the bigger person and inviting him.

Post # 11
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

I think this all depend on your future expectations for your relationship with your brother. If you don’t invite him, you can likely kiss any relationship with him goodbye. Inviting him will likely cost you very little, since at most weddings a person has a hard time even greeting, let alone conversing with everyone. It sounds like he might avoid speaking with you much anyway, so if you can bear the sight of him, I’d invite him. That way, if you ever feel like reconciling in the future (or if he does), there won’t be this omission hanging over your heads. 

Post # 13
Member
36 posts
Newbee

futuremrschristensen:  I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this! Family can be pretty stressful when planning a wedding.  Honestly, no one can really say for sure whether or not you should invite your brother. Only you, your FI, and to an extent, your family can make that decision. it sounds like you have some support which is great! I do understand what you are going through. My older sister is a bridesmaid and her husband is not invited to our wedding.  There is so many reasons why, and to most it might sound horribly hurtful towards my sister, but I can say without a doubt that it is the best and only option.  I don’t want to get into all the reasons why he can’t be there, but my FI, family, and I all know it’s what we should do in this scenario.  On My FI’s side, we have had to only invite certain people from his moms side but not others and most would say it’s a breach of etiquette, but once again, given the unique family history and drama, its the best choice. Not perfect, but better.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that only you will know the right answer. It may take some more time, but it will come to you. You just have to be prepared for any consequences. To me, it sounds like you have justified reasons to not want to invite your brother and his wife. I went back and forth on what to do about my sisters husband, and then I just knew that he couldn’t be there. If you take some more time and really weigh it out, you’ll know what to do.  And it won’t be easy, or perfect, but it will be the best choice for your wedding. If that makes sense.  Good luck with everything!

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

“he’s going to sit him down and tell him he’s not allowed to contact any of our family who’ll be in town.”<br /><br />I have a sister who does this. It’s not reasonable to think that you can tell one adult not to be in contact with other adults. Whether you invite your brother to the wedding or not, please do not drag the entire family into the conflict. It’s none of their business and will only make everyone uncomforable. Yes, your brother may do it if he is not invited, but you can’t control that, only your own actions.

Post # 15
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

galoshes59:  Agreed. This is taking it too far.

While it seems to me that your brother is letting his resentment over money turn him into a jerk, you don’t need to get play down to his level. I know he hurt you very badly, but I honestly think you should invite him. In the long run you will feel better knowing you did not add your own nonsense to his.

And even if you decide not to, the people coming into town for your wedding will attend the wedding related events you offer; otherwise their time is not “yours.”

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